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Caffe bar full of people and these two teenagers keep playfully kicking eachother and laughing like the whole world doesn’t exist.
Oh to be young and in love..
“Ma tu, la vuoi comprare veramente casa?”
“La verità??? No, non voglio. Non voglio comprare casa. Perché io sognavo di comprarla insieme alla persona che amavo. Con cui avremmo iniziato il resto della nostra vita insieme.
Ma devo. Lo devo a me stessa. Per dimostrarmi per l'ennesima volta che il muro che mi sono costruita é abbastanza forte. Per dimostrarmi che posso fare anche questo da sola. Senza aver bisogno di nessun altro.
Quindi no, non voglio. Ma devo. Ora la vedi l'infelicità”
Any moment becomes magical with the right person.✨
When you’re a freelancer, the concept of “free time” is just not a thing. Every moment of every day, I have something I should be doing.
So when people say “let’s chat or go out when you have free time!” I have to be like:👉 “Let’s schedule it on the calendar” … or else I won’t ever do it. 🥺
You were my summer love.
We met each other in the hottness of the shining sun.
We got to know each other while the temperature was increasing like crazy.
And we loved each other with sweaty palms and faces.
Then the temperature fell.
The last hot day, was like our climax of love.
And after that, the love faded.
The love faded like the summer faded to make space for autumn.
But not everyone likes autumn.
Tbh i never really liked autumn. Sure it has beautiful sides, like those golden autumn days, where the sun is shining, the sky is blue, the leafs are red and golden and the air is clear.
But those days are not the normal standard.
Autumn is mainly rain, and coldness, leafs laying around all over the streets in a dirty, dark brown colour, the sky is grey and it starts to get dark so early already.
Autumn always makes me feel a little trapped. Like i can’t go out anymore, like I used to do. I can’t wear all those beautiful summer clothes and always have to go out with a jacket on.
You can’t sit outside anymore for a smoke.
You can’t meet up with your friends at a lake or in a park.
Autumn makes my depression rise up.
And like the summer left to make space for autumn, you left to create a space next to me and inside of my heart again. And there are no golden autumn days in between, only those dark, cold, wet days where the rain is pouring outside and also on the inside of my heart.
I feel like all of these beautiful things already happened years ago, and not two months ago. It all feels so fucking unreal, that we ever were this happy with each other.
It feels like a dream or a lie, that I ever was safely laying in your arms and felt nothing except for love and happiness.
Were those Momente even real? Idk what you thought in those moments but I’m not so sure anymore if the feelings I felt were mutually also felt by you.
At summer everything always feels so easy. So warm and bright. As soon as autumn comes everything turns out cold and dark and heavy.
Love turns into confusion, a smile turns into an ocean of tears, happiness turns into pain and sureness into a questionable, painful, destroying glimpse of hope.
Autumn makes everything seem so much more difficult than it seems in summer.
And I will always associate his smile with summer.
He was summer for me.
His smile was bright like the dazzling sun, his hair, his warm hugs, his hot body, his smell, everything remided me of the hot summer days and the sweaty summer nights.
He was my summer, my feeling of freedom and happiness.
But like the seasons, he also left when the time was ready.
After summer comes autumn, after autumn comes winter and so the circle goes on and on every single year.
Actually the only difference between him and summer, is exactly that point.
Summer will return sooner or later, hotter or colder, more or less sunny. But it will return next year.
He won’t. I can’t wait for him to return, because that will never happen.
Even though I wished he would.
Even if it would only be for the next summer again. But at least for a few weeks, I would like to have my summer back, my personal, warm, beautiful summer.
But he will not return.
And like every summer is different from the summer before, like every day is different from all the other days that were and will happen, maybe I will also find another person.
Another person, who can give me the feeling of summer but in a different way. In a long lasting and relaxing way. In a way where I don’t have to cry tears anymore and don’t have to fear the following autumn.
But tbh right now. I loved this summer. Even if I hate the autumn that followed and that I’m still stuck in right now.
And I don’t want another summer to follow. I know that’s stupid and I know someday I will think different about all this but in this exact moment I still hang on this summer, I cling to it with all of my strength because I’m not ready to let go yet. Because I still loved this summer and I’m not ready yet to think about the next that will come.
I guess at a certain point you just had the best summer of your life and no other ever will outdo the memories you made in this one.
At this moment I believe that he was my best summer. Maybe someday in the future I will think different about all this. Maybe when I got through this autumn of depression and tears and the white, clear winter comes, I will feel different about this summer and about him.
Freed from those capturing, chaotic thoughts about why he left me as soon as the temperature fell and the leafs turned slightly yellow. Why the summer ended with this fucking disturbing heartbreak I have to go through right now. Why the sun in his eyes and in his smile stopped shining for me and left me restless, with dark clouds and rain inside of my heart.
You were my summer love.
And like summer ends with the beginning of autumn, our love ended. Suddenly.
Like one day, it was still dazzling hot and the next you could already feel that the air was changing, that the air grew colder, even if the sun was still shining warmly.
You could feel the chill in your bones and you just knew, that summer was over.
But for as long as it is still warm, you pretend it isn’t. You still go outside, try to enjoy every last ray of warm sunshine. Like I tried to do with our love. I knew something changed, I knew that this warm summer was over. But I ignored it, I tried to enjoy the last little pieces of the love I thought you still gave me, tried to satisfy myself with it. Until everything was gone. Until autumn finally took over the whole place. Until there was nothing left of the summer, nothing left to feel, nothing left to see of this hot summer love.
And now it’s autumn.
And autumn brings no love. Autumn gives me hopeless thoughts and tearfull eyes.
Autumn broke me.
Autumn brought me back to reality.
Autumn made my summer love end.
Like summer ends with the beginning of autumn.
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