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quebrando colores, probando

world passing for our windows, but the curtain dont let pass the light through. Darkens the room, the courtain, mantle with all the moral society thing. I want to see the world as real is it.

The mirror like myself, my soul. Seeing the real things in me, in the same room with out light…but with self love. 

presa-en-anhedonia-blog
presa-en-anhedonia-blog
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Interval Sleeping….


6:22 am and I can’t seem

to fall asleep

Wishing we were together

walking on the beach.

Instead?

I stare at the ceiling

as if IT has the solution

to my problems

and everything that"s been

bothering me….

I miss her

and I cant shake

the thought…

It’s been following me…

Drawn to her

I can here her body

Whispering softly

It"s calling to me

…and I’ll always answer

A hopeless romantic…

Her soldier

His dancer

Waltzing over the edge

Her Scorpion

His Cancer

and she falls…

Intentionally

like an unfinished symphony

A forgotten thought

A barely missed epiphany…

and all is well

She was meant for me

Yes,

she will fall

but all is well…

As long as she

falls into me.



Forever times infinity

- Devine Theory

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I came to the US to finish college and I feel like it was a mistake as a hispanic immigrant to do so. I feel like a virgin that her virginity was taken away by a rapist. I never saw so much hatred in my life coming from one place. It gives me nightmares. It has destroyed my soul.

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Vom ganzen Herzen, DANKE!

Ich bekomme so schöne Nachrichten von euch, es ist unglaublich. Ich bin so stolz darauf, dass ich mit meinen Worten/Zitaten eure Herzen berühren kann. Gott hat mir ermöglicht, manchen von euch die Augen zu öffnen, so vielen von euch zu helfen, euch das Gefühl zu geben, verstanden zu werden. Ich bin Gott so dankbar dafür. Meine Dankbarkeit gegenüber euch ist nicht in Worte zu fassen. Ohne euch wäre das alles nicht möglich, ich danke euch so sehr, für alles.

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I’m not sure why I’m posting this, I think it’s my way of letting go of the trauma of my dad passing at the beginning of the year, so I can start to grieve.

image

I cannot remember what happened that morning or what happened through the day or why I had such a bad day at work. The following weeks are blurry, My Memories are distorted but the few hours in the middle are clearer than any other memory I can recall. Now that some time has passed, and I have slowed down. I continue to remember more and more each week. Which leaves me guessing and doubting myself.

If I am remembering clearly or my mind is making up its own reality.

That day a perfect summer day, the one I have longed for. After weeks of nothing but rain, clouds and fires, stressed about my new toxic workplace, results of medical exam. After a short but draining day at work all I wanted was to be with my family.

Tyler was spending the day with dad, that morning dad was telling me all the fun stuff he had planned for Tyler and himself. Shoal bay, swimming, scooter rides, ice-cream their adventure day. Tyler was that exited, that they left before I did. It made me feel at ease knowing that they would have a good day.

I finished work and drove home dad was sitting out the front, the minute he saw me he knew I had a rough day; he was emphatic. I still cannot remember why I had such a bad day at work or what he said to me that made me laugh. I remember the feeling of relief and calm.

I asked how there day was he briefly told me; they had had a good day. Tyler came out showing me that he had his switch to preoccupied to look up, he was happy.

After talking about the weather, I mentioned I wanted to go for a drive on the beach, dad asked if am going to take the roof off and if I would like a hand?

I revered back to my 10-year-old self while nagging and guilting my dad to cancel his plans and come with us. He didn’t want to break his word, he said he would help the girl from the caravan park with something before she left. I debated all the reasons I could think of why it wasn’t a good idea. it’s too late to drive, tomorrow morning would be better, it’s the first nice day in ages we should take advantage, dad felt bad and didn’t want to ditch her.

I packed the car, boards. convinced dad to come, he just wanted me to be okay. This was the first time I was okay and happy two days in a row since December when I received my medical results.

All I had left to do was pick Ayden up from OOSH and buy a permit. I didn’t want to waste any money, but dad convinced me to buy a 12 month one, better value. We headed to the dunes and let the tires down.

The sun was hot even though it was later in the day. I mentioned to dad how relaxing and free it felt to not be worried about the time or me thinking “nah its after 12 too late to go to the beach now”. Just before we got on the beach I called Tamara to check if she called her legal aid and applied for a new job, she answered and yep all done short and sweet, (I had only found out that the previous day how mum and dad have both been trying to get through to Tamara to get her shit in order) I said ill sort it out and that’s what I did.

As I hung up, I smiled at dad he smiled back, but his gesture and his face I didn’t recognise. I hadn’t really seen it before, it was as if he was relaxed and at peace. I had not seen this in his face in a long time, I’ll never forget it.

He said “ok, yore got this yours will be okay”, I Said “of course dad I know I’ll be okay”, as I hit the biggest bump in the sand, we actually got air the kids thought it was hilarious, as I said okay hold on.

We finally found a spot, the kids wanted to find an island (a sandbank) so dad and I were trying to find the best spot. It was good timing tide was just starting to go out. We always have the same few spots and there are always these two old fishermen, setting up ready to fish the tide out and in. dad always said, “no point fishing during the day”.

We set up the tent, unpacked the car, snacks and sunblock for the kids, had some tunes playing through the car and got the boards ready.

The boys were keen for a swim, so I took them straight in after a while we went and got the boards. Dad insisted on me going in as well, while he watched the kids. I was hesitant. The waves were the same as when I hurt my shoulder, the accident didn’t bother me to much, but the recovery has been horrible and long.

I didn’t think it was traumatic or that it had affected me, but I kept freezing and getting smashed in the process. I attempted to give up, dad kept encouraging me to get back in there.

The tide was still going out and the waves were starting to ease, I went to the kids they were having a ball using their boards to block the waves.

The sun was fierce and still so warm we all headed back to the car for a drink and rest, dad and I were talking about the waves and how I need to trust the kids basically stop helicoptering parenting.

The boys were asking if we could go to the island, we were discussing the waves, set and trying to judge if we should wait longer before attempting to go to the island. (in hindsight dad was hesitant) I could not work out if I was overreacting due to my accident and making a good call or not.

We had a drink and chilled for 5,

that was the last time I saw him breathing, I cannot remember what we were talking about.

I can remember the light of the afternoon sun, the cars driving past, the wind was not strong enough for you to lose your balance but enough for the surrounding sounds to be muffled.

No matter how hard I try I cannot remember what we were talking about, or the expression on his face.

weather he was smiling or angry, tried, nothing. although I know I felt happy to be there, hopeful for the future and at peace.

We headed to the sand bar Tyler was with me and dad was with Ayden. At first, I was in front, I can remember stopping and saying, “maybe it’s not such a good idea” dad mumbled something back along the lines of “it okay come on”, he then was in front of me.

Suddenly, I felt this huge jolt through my entire body, I could not move, speak.

The next thing I knew Ayden was screaming I instantly knew something was wrong.

I yelled out “hold on I’m coming” and proceeded to get Tyler out of the water I got him to where he was okay to swim back. I could just see Ayden and dad, his head was above the water, I kept looking back forth between Tyler, dad and Ayden. The waves felt bigger than before, Tyler was just about at the sand. I looked at dad and Ayden, dad’s eyes looked as if he was telling me to hurry up! I never seen that look on his face.

My dad looked terrified.

I just got there as he closed his eyes and fell back into the waves, I caught him while grabbing Ayden at the same time.

I was screaming at dad to wake up, Ayden was hysterical. I grabbed the back of his shirt and threw him onto a wave I cannot remember what we were talking about told him to “swim and go get help”. I was trying to get to shore, screaming for help so many cars and no-one stopped. I couldn’t believe it, it felt like I was getting nowhere. The boys made it to the sand, I kept yelling at them to “go get help, run to the closest car”. Dad was so heavy We kept getting pushed under the waves, I thought I was going to drown with him that day.

I could remember thinking this isn’t real, I cannot save him he will die if his life is left in my hands. I looked at his face as Im trying to wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him in while he was on his back his face was in the water and turning blue that image still haunts me I needed someone else to come and save him, I didn’t know what to do, all I knew was it was taking me so long to get to the sand. You can’t be unconscious that long without having CPR it needs to happen straight away.

I had no energy left; I couldn’t breathe. That is when all my colours changed, and my world felt surreal almost 2 months afterwards and I’m only just coming out of that hazy dream. I was almost at the sand I screamed at the kids “quick go now, go get help”, they were both so scared and crying. I got to the sand started trying to do CPR but could barely stand, the kids found a couple. A man came down to help while the boys stayed with his wife, I can’t remember much other than saying “it’s been to long he need CPR now Pease help” he kept asking question, I didn’t know what happened if he had drowned, but his head was above the water. Heart attack, stroke, asthma or even if he had a pulse.

I could feel my time running out, not my time but dads time I could feel him leaving me.

“I asked him once what it felt like to die and if you can remember it? “he had died and been brought back multiple times years ago. "He said he could clearly remember dying on the table a few times and each time it was like he was going down a long dark narrow tunnel as the further down he got the voices and sounds became more distance and every time he came back it was the same tunnel at huge speeds getting jolted back into your body”

I knew he could possibly here me so I pleaded with him to keep fighting and not give up although could feel him getting further and further away, I kept screaming “dad com-on breathe” “not here not now please dad”. I could feel he was gone at that point I took a deep breath thinking no Im wrong. It followed by insane amount of energy and kept doing compressions and mouth to mouth, I heard his stomach gargling, it was working. The smell of the stomach as it moves around while everything else has stopped is like nothing I have ever smelt before and don’t think I will again. After every breath I instantly dry reached. I thought that was him breathing.

Someone took over CPR for me by this point, there was so many people around with more and more stopping. I had to check on the kids, they were safe Tyler’s first thing he said to me was “mum can I have water they only have fizzy water and I don’t like that”, Ayden said “I was scared because I thought there was sharks”, I told them “it’s okay and the ambulance will be here soon”.

I went back down to dad, people kept trying to help me while asking if I needed anything, someone they can call? being practical I said, “my son needs water he’s over there if someone can get him one?” I need to pack my car packed up so I can go to the hospital, a man and women offered to do that.

I got to dad there was so many people chatting and no-one doing anything I became frustrated, the girl who was doing mouth to mouth looked as she has had enough, so I took over she held my hair back. I cannot remember details of anyone’s faces they were all blurred I can remember thinking at the time why I couldn’t focus on the details of these people.

The ambulance finally arrived, they wanted to move him before they started compressions. I didn’t understand why they were stuffing around I could not handle it and didn’t want to interfere; this was their job what do I know so I walked away.

so many people were trying to stop me or calm me down felt like I was suffocating and needed to run and run and run but couldn’t so just walk around in circles instead. I saw dad on the stretcher the ambulance crew seemed less urgent, I fell to the ground he was gone I knew it, they knew it, yet nobody could say it.

The ambulance then took him to Hospital they told me it’s not looking good, but they are still trying”. A staff member of the tours and a local was packing up out stuff, I went to see the boys I didn’t know what to say so I tried to be honest I had to prepare them for the worst, I said poppy had an asthma attack and it’s no one’s fault and that poppy is going to the hospital there the trying to make him breathe again and make his heart start pumping”. Tyler said, “I hope poppy doesn’t die” Ayden said, “I was moving around and because the sharks”.

The kids insisted on not going to the hospital they just wanted to go home, as I do not have very much local family and everyone else was at work, the local who packed my car offered to mind the kids at her place, I said no. she insisted on me not driving alone, so she came in my car the boys were complained and expressing how much they want to go home, she said she has a WWCC and offered to mind them at my house until my partner got home (was on his way) so I accepted her offer.

When I arrived, no one told me anything the just took me to my sister I looked at her at the end of the hallway her face said it all, I said “no dads okay right” she shook her head breaking down in tears. Nobody would talk to us let us see dad or confirm to me what my sister had said.

They left us in this little dark room after a while, I was fed up with waiting as I was walking out two police officers stop me stating that they need to question me in relation to dads death it suspicious and they needed to rule out foul play.

There it was the word I have been dredging but deep down knew.

After that I could see dad, I instantly broke down cuddling him saying sorry Im sorry repeatedly, that was the last hug I ever had he was still warm.

I kept looking at his eyes expecting him to wake up, I couldn’t believe he’s gone.

Months later I still have moments that it all feels fake then it hits harder every time my life will never be the same again. My dad is no longer a phone call away, his unexpected visits, endless knowledge and unconditional love, little things I always took for granted.

Greif never goes away; nothing goes back to the way it was. The sadness does eventually turn to gratitude, its better to have love and lost than never loved at all.

In the end Im glad no how traumatic, Im glad he didn’t die alone.

Cjgale

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