movedtomadrid-blog

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So this sucks

I’m just incredibly hurt. the messaged said “i’m having mixed feelings and need to be honest to you and with myself” and now we will talk on tuesday. Tuesday. that’s a year away with every second being present with the pain. I’m pretty sure she’s not going to turn up on tuesday and say “sorry, i was confused, but lets keep dating” which means it’s 3 days of torture followed by something worse. confirmation she doesn’t want to date me.

I’ll be honest, it wasn’t a 100% surprise, she’s been more distant recently which had actually made me start worrying. unfortunately i didn’t have the self confidence to call her on it and instead told myself i was being silly. Every delay in her sending a whatsapp was a signal she wasn’t interested. Every reply was a temporary reprieve where i told myself i was over reacting. This actually let to what i can only really call an anxiety attack. One night just waking up wanting to scream/cry/curl up in a ball and be removed from life. not to be dead... just not to have to deal with it... I could almost argue that this is better, knowing something.. but it’s not, because there’s still a tiny tiny bit of hope, but even worse there’s the knowledge that we have to have that conversation. Again. Last time i somehow changed her mind, it was amazing... i don’t think i can do it again. 

Instead, i have all the fucking memories of her in my flat, in my neighbourhood... everything. My commute to work by bike, my motorbike, things i wanted to show her... and 2 fucking christmas presents for her that still haven’t turned up. that’s going to fucking kill me when they arrive at the office. I can’t eat. People tell me to go and do things but i have no energy from not being able to eat and going out just makes me think of her. I can’t deal with people. I can’t deal with seeing couples out. All my head does is say “I bet she’s having a nice time” and i suppose she is. I tried getting straight back into dating... but that didn’t help of course... the standard generic chat just made me angry and basically i just kept thinking  - well it’s not her. 

The worst is I feel so weak. for the last few weeks the stress has made my “soul” a twisted exhausted beast and now I feel I have nothing in me. nothing to carry on, to cling on to. If it was just this I’d maybe be ok, but I don’t like my flat, i don’t really like my work and i have financial problems to stop me just fucking off around the world or something.

I suspect the only way out of this is to find out who i really am/want to be... but that scares the shit out of me because I haven’t been able to do that in 38 years. 

“Mixed feelings”. I’ve tried and I can’t see a positive and all I can do is wait. I don’t have any close friends here and not many in general. Sure that’s normal, but even my close friends can’t help, because no one can. I don’t know how I get out of this. It’s sunday and I don’t even know how I make it to Tuesday. Wednesday is a gaping black hole of monsters, fear and god knows. 

So I wrote this. They say journalling can help. If nothing else, maybe in a few months time I’ll read it and see some progress. maybe someone else will find it and realise that they’re not alone.. I feel such an arsehole because even if someone was (& I’m sure they are) going through the same thing, I struggle with empathy/sympathy right now. I just hate my fucking life. I don’t know. I wish I did. I wish I had confidence in who I was, that I can be the best person I was with her, but without her. and without anyone else. But I just don’t know if that’s really possible. Or maybe I just don’t know if I want to. I think i feel that the world doesn’t deserve a happy me, if it’s not going to make me happy. And I know that’s the wrong approach. that you have to choose to be happy. but i’m not happy. I’m angry... and I just thought of the fucking nuttela stall that she disliked and feel super fucking shit again.

well, i am going to ... i don’t know... do something else for a bit. back soon

#datingsucks #hurt #

#hurt #dating sucks #broken hearted #fuck #not in a good headspace #not in a good place rn

[movedtomadrid-blog]

6 Months in Madrid

So today is my 6 month anniversary of being in Madrid! I won’t lie, there have been some challenges and perhaps my flat has been the biggest... which is perhaps apt given that I barely slept last night because of my difficult neighbours! I mean seriously, if you cook currys at 2am that are so strong they wake up the person in the flat above you, maybe you should reconsider things... Like trying to eat some fucking bland food you absolute bastards!

But, despite the flat and other challenges, the great thing is I don’t regret the move at all. There isn’t even 1% of me that thinks “maybe I should have stayed in London”.  I mean, I miss some people obviously, but it’s good to know, even through real shit times, it was the right decision. 

I am sadly too exhausted to write a more funny, inspirational post, or even throw in some Spanish to impress people. But, I am very much glad I moved to Madrid

Places I have been

So I realised I have seen quite a lot of Spain since I moved here, which is pretty cool. I have done more in 6 months than the last 2 years in London

* Chinchon

* Cercedilla

* Barcelona

* Merida

* Zahora (small village south of Cadiz)

* Cadiz (only technically as I rode there, got of the bike, walked around for 2 minutes and went back to Zahora)

* Trujillo 

* Melida

* Pamplona

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#madrid #spain #motorbike #bmw 

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Post 3 - "How's Madrid?"

So, it has been a few weeks since my update… a lot of people who have got in touch have asked how Madrid is… and I want to answer honestly…but it’s hard because if I say in some ways it has been Meh people will just assume it’s Haydn being grumpy. So let me start with this… I DO NOT regret my move at all. There are things I would change, but that/’s because comparing how it is with how I thought it would be is…well, it’s stupid. In my daydream about Madrid live I wasn’t going to imagine having a shitty cold that just wouldn’t go away or a downstairs neighbour, who on my first day in the flat decided to play some lovely loud dance music. I wouldn’t have imagined having to get over having bedbugs in the airbnb only to feel like there was something causing me irritations in my new apartments bed. So no, it’s not been a dream few weeks. But I repeat, I don’t regret it.

Principe Pio 

One thing I realised is that in the last 6 weeks, even with all the crap, I have done more than I did in 6 months, maybe even 6 years in London. Shit, I moved over, went through a load of administrative crap, found a flat, a garage for a bike, been on dates, joined a football team, and have lived in Spain!…. I mean today I think I got my wifi organised… not ideal that they called me while asleep (off ill due to stupid cold mentioned earlier) and I now I think they are coming at “cuatro” tomorrow… but it could be “catorce”… which is 2 hours earlier… so that could be fun… like I said not all perfect! Buy seriously, 6 weeks in Madrid has been so much more than London… the only thing I miss are the people.

I also went to Cercedilla on a day trip which was pretty cool. It was very scenic and a bit wet... it basically reminded me of a summer holiday in Wales! (some photos below)

One thing I can’t believe is that it’s Christmas next week.. I mean, I don’t know what time of the year I think it is, but it doesn’t feel like Christmas to me. Not in a bad way, I just don’t feel it. Maybe it’s the warmth, maybe it’s the lack of English Christmas songs (obvs) or the lack of Santa…seriously, I don’t think I’ve seen Santa here yet (after writing this I saw a robotic on singing badly, but it counts!). Anyway, it’s all good, will be Christmas soon enough and I’ll get to see Inky and my motorbike and the Family  :)

Anyway, this is the rambling so someone with manflu so I hope I haven’t bored you too much and Merry Christmas to all of you… here are some pics:

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Week 2.... and a bit

Well, I had been hoping to have things a bit more sorted before I wrote this ( and they are progressin) but it´s why it´s been a few days late... I know all of you (who I´m going to force to ready this by sending you the link) have been really missing it, so I hope you´re ready...  here we go!

First things first... I GOT MY NIE it was just over a week ago now so the excitement has worn off a little, but unlike the other three times this one was easy. Rocked up at 10.30, got a ticket number, sat down, 5 minutes later and I see the lady, give her my form and BOOM! I get back my NIE. That’s it!... OK, not quite. I have to have an official appointment, pay the same €10 tax again and get an offical green piece of paper... but it´s much easier (I hope)

The excitement of getting the piece of paper was slightly dampened by having man flu all last week. I mean, it wasn´t the worst kind, but for a first week of work, it wasn´t ideal. That said, work has gone well... I´ve already got stressed, started muttering FFS and being myself which seems to be OK, so that´s a relief. I´ve got shit off people for being old and I´ve made a team meeting take place in English even though there are only two of us out of 14 who aren´t fluent in Spanish... so good to be practicising the British colonial skills ;)

Check out this photo of a street I liked... yeah, it is literally just a street I like:

What else... well I joined a football team and we´ve played twice now... Weirdly I´ve scored in both games (keepers here must be pants) but we lost both so that´s been pretty tough to take.. new team mates seem nice though and I even got to offer some advice on the NIE to one... (I doubt this is the last time you´ll hear of the NIE). I´ve found a garage for my motorbike and am hopefully signing a lease on an appartment tonight... yep, I got keys for my bikes house before my own... Priorities! 

I got my first haircut in Spain... it was interesting, as is the haircut, but we got by. Hopfully by the next time I´ll be able to explain a bit more about what I want to do to help cover up the growing bald spot ;)

I think the biggest thing for me was that last week, being ill, I pretty much came to work, went home, watched TV and then went to bed... Not a fun week in many ways, and could have felt lonely given I didn´t interact with anyone outside of work, but it was OK... If I can get through that kind of week and be happy to be here then I figure even in the odd rough week, I´ll be good! :)

Also spotted this awesome graffiti that´s just round the corner from me (I´ve walked past it about 10 times before really “seeing” it:

Oh and then a mate from London and mate from “the Wood” were out in Madrid randomly so was really nice to hangout with them in my new ´hood!. 

This weekend I´m off to the mountains with my new work buddies for a company retreat - apparently it will be down to -9, so if you don´t hear from me again, you know why! I DID NOT come to Spain for cold weather!

Follow my Insta here - https://www.instagram.com/haydnthepowerreece/?hl=e

#movedtomadrid spain madrid lavapiés expat travel streetart

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1 week in Madrid

So I thought it might be worth keeping a note of how things are going. Hopefully to show signs of progress for myself and maybe something to look back on in the future :)

It’s been a mixed week. I’d be tempted to say tough, but there have been enough highlights to make it mixed at least. I got here last Thursday and lugged my case up 5 flights of stairs to my apartment for the next month... Whilst small it’s nice to have my “own” place... weirdly even though it’s noisier here than my house share, I still prefer it :)

I’ll start with the biggest frustration - the NIE (cue dramatic music!) So you really need this in Madrid - it opens a lot of doors and it used to be a fairly simple process -  Anyway, I got in line at 8.30am and after queueing half an hour before the doors opened, by 9.15 I was told the quota for NIE appointments had been filled so I’d have to come back another day. Pretty gutting as I’d expected to have it but, oh well, back on Monday. Monday morning comes and i’m there at 8am - no way am I missing out today... wrong. I was within 3 people of getting in and... Nope, quota full - come back tomorrow. So Tuesday morning, i’m there at 7.35am - there are already roughly 60 people in the queue! I got in though! Got my official queue number and after 30 mins indoors (much preferable to to the freezing outside - it gets cold in Madrid, who knew?) I get to see the person - I hand over my forms and and the lady stamps it and writes a number - is this my NIE I wonder - nope! It’s a date and I now have to return next Tuesday around 11am to collect it... here’s hoping by the next update I’ll finally have this.

Queue on Tuesday morning about 7:50am:

Other frustrations include Bed Bugs which after three days of cleaning sheets I gave up on and told the owner. Within 3 hours I had a new mattress, duvet and bedding though, so can’t complain there. I also wanted to get a SIM, but as seemed to be my luck that day the companies website was broken so after two attempts I had to call it a day. - Did get a SIM yesterday though :)

Now the positives - I have got my social security and had a really helpful lady at Sabadell bank who helped me set up an account without my NIE (you really really need your NIE). A good friend let me use his address while I get my own place so hopefully by the next update I’ll have a NIE, a bank card and will have started my job. I have also figured out how to open tube doors - big question really, do you lift the handle up when it has stopped, or can you hold it up before - well, you can hold it up - there you go, now you can look as nonchalant about opening a metro door as a local - trust me, it’s the small things :)

I’ve been out to Getafe to see a friend who, as an added bonus, has a really cute cat - was nice to catch up with an old friend and, well her cat is super cute! I also went to the train Museum with a ex colleague & friend (still a friend - just an ex colleague) who moved here about 2 months ago. It’s soooooo helpful having someone here who’s done everything already, but also really nice to get out, have a beer, look at some trains and bikes and just catch up.

I’ve joined a 5-a-side football team which is good - so far I’ve bottled the conversational Spanish group, but I hope with some more practice I’ll have the confidence to go along. I really like the city, but it’s very different to anywhere I’ve lived before so will take awhile to get used to. Mostly I’m now just terrified about the flat hunting, but you have to do these things, right? 

It’s been a long week. in some ways I’m not where I want to be and I know I need to put myself out there more, but it’s a start and I hope be able to join a gym next week, get down to work and hopefully get a flat sorted.

Till next time

Photo’s of the palace area whilst playing with my camera:

#madrid #moving #newcity #movedtomadrid