mydarktales

[mydarktales]

~It's Not Enough~

All this effort I put in, I know I shouldn't fixate on the reward of it

Starved of all of my energy and emptied a good chunk of my budget

Too many months where my response was, "I'm struggling"

Avoiding the club and

Staying in my home to wait for your arrival

Changing my feelings as soon as there was a change of titles

No jealousy involved, no one in this situation is a rival

It was a lesson, a blessing, for my revival

Heated arguments that leave me feeling suicidal

Urges in my body that felt unbridled

Sitting with forgiveness instead of becoming spiteful

In ways...I feel like I've grown better...much better with my temper

I remember, just snapping the minute I felt offended

Nobody wanted to hear it, no one cared about mending

Deep sighs from the ears I was lending

"So maybe if I tended, to the needs of others and then they would tend to mine"

Every time...

Every time was another trick for myself

Another way to avoid sheltering self

Figuring it out on my own, why should I ask for help?

Console me if you must, but who really care about how I felt?

I know the focus is on how I responded and I should've done better

Too many times of trying to follow other's rules down to the letter

The pressure...

The pressure is overwhelming because I'm always pushing myself to try more

To create new wings and fly more

To give myself more life for every time I said "I wanted to die more"

#2024 #Youtube

[mydarktales]

~Behind Me~

I can leave it all behind me

--

I don't have to think about your name again

I'm all about giving grace, but I won't look at you the same again

Very pleased I won't go through that pain again

I've cleaned the blood of your love, you won't leave a stain again

I won't ever sink so low by you to feel drained again

I've worked too hard for everything, so when I made it in

I thought you also wanted to play to win

I'm happy that you're gone, I'll say it again

I'm happy that you're gone, dust in the wind

And get the leash for your little friend

Who makes up memories just to blend

With your emotions just a little bit

For someone who always got mad over little shit

Who acts like they can't remember me doing the listening

Approaching when you wanted to create distance and...

Leaving you to fuck around and (in some way) permitting it

And look at you flipping shit, as if I made your life harder

Like I wasn't the restarter, the security you needed heavily

It's not snitching if it's lies when you tell on me

The misandry made you feel good to bring hell on me

Your trauma and desire to be loved was a good sell to me

I tried to heal you, it's crazy how that fell on me

And it makes sense how that failed for me

I can't heal hearts that don't want to be healed

I can't give to those who would rather steal

I'd give you a plate and you'd still eat my meal

And smile at my irritation just for the appeal

--

I can't wait for this all to be over.

#2024 #Youtube

[mydarktales]

~Pink Petals, Teal Trees~

I think about how this started as friends at a Halloween party

Extroverted introduction, I hoped you'd find interest in Jaccari

If not in full, then partly, sorry

I just knew you were gorgeous the minute I saw you

You're perfect in every way, I guess that's what flaws do

Days spent apart, but excited each time I got to call you

Always with comfort if plans had to fall through

Because when I have all you, all I can do is immerse

I'm not worried about who touched you first

I'm upset at everyone who brought you hurt

I don't compare and think, "What if this was reversed?"

You became mine, but I was not only yours to have

You found love outside me and I couldn't help but be glad

I don't consider myself the first and I won't be your last

So while others may bash, it matters none to me

Breaking down all this time, just so you could have some of me

You touch on me, you love on me

You do it all so comfortably

Amor in the adhesive, you're stuck to me

You've done more than fall in love with me

You treat my body with value, you always try to meet my needs

You advocate for yourself, you work so hard to succeed

You love so strongly, that I have a bandage for each time your heart bleeds

When I tell people you have another boyfriend, it's still something they can't believe.

From the roots to the branches

You remind me how love can be an advantage

How easy it can be to fall back on standards

How pushing ourselves in uncomfortable moments can be handled

How this flame will never die if we nurture the candle

Leaves that look like cherry blossoms, our love deserves to be spread

And sure, my romantic relations that have changed do get inside my head

That I can't have intimacy in the same capacity comes with tears shed

But it reminds me love can be transformed, so what's dead?

Death is only a form of rebirth, just a change of the seasons

And with death comes a lot of grieving

And with death comes with new meanings

So thank you for the love you give every day and for giving me more reasons

To love you.

#2024

[mydarktales]

~Pink Slides~

Pink slides, I've been walking through your girl shit

I bet that put these niggas in a whirlwind

All the drama, damn when does the hurt end?

Maybe after the lesson, we'll all learn then.

---

I'm tired of being depressed about people I can't change

Tired of being upset that people don't see the same

Nigga that I see and how much this nigga changed

How I stopped throwing in my two cents, ain't it strange?

That the same niggas dogging me got dull fangs?

That the same gutter niggas try to be on my lane?

That I've let the pain go and pushed forward?

I don't care if my feelings get ignored

I'm just happy I spoke them and the emotions poured

Another page you can add to the Devado lore

To tell myself I'm a person outside of this relationship, I'm more...

Than what you can pressure me into with discomfort and distance

That no matter how much you pull, I'm used to the resistance

People say I ain't shit and that's only an inference

I'm going to let others go, I can feel it, it's twitching

I see it in visions, persistent

Emotional division, I know that I'll miss them

It's sad how trauma comes with wisdom

That it teaches boundaries, so now you can't have permission

To bring me more tension without the hinting

I'd rather you talk to me before the venting

Problem-solve with me, so many options are realistic

As transparent as I can be, I hope someone feels this...

---

Pink slides, I've been walking through your girl shit

I bet that put these niggas in a whirlwind

All the drama, damn when does the hurt end?

Maybe after the lesson, we'll all learn then.

---

I say I love you, I know my past partners didn't believe me

They had their own trauma, so it didn't make shit easy

Knowing I was different and hoping they could see me

Not realizing that I shouldn't spend so much time trying to make a non-believer believe me

Nothing but random pain, like a baby teething

Nothing but anger, I can see your eyes seething

I wish back then I had the strength for leaving

Instead of being scared I'd be bobbing and weaving

"I have to take care of myself" and you get a different meaning

I can't bring you to my side, gravity has you leaning

Somewhere that opposes my force

And it doesn't matter if I share a resource

Or even apologize and cry with remorse

My first mistake was your last resort...

I can't hold that type of pain in my heart

I justify where all of your troubles start

I just know I want no parts...

And if I could, I wouldn't even hit restart...

#2024 #Youtube

[mydarktales]

~Sashimi Freestyle~

Hah....niggas get cut..

Hah...you fucked up...

Hah...Getting rolled up once...

Hah...just finished my lunch

---

Niggas should be terrfied, truly

Niggas get clipped, movies

Niggas get sectioned, ooh wee

Niggas get rolled up, sushi

Goofy, got the tea like Ooh Wee

Fans of they niggas, groupies

Same chain, get a new piece

That ain't no toupee, that's a two-piece

Popping shit, that talk don't move me

What them dawgs gone do? Scooby

Really ragged, raggedy

Redundant, will she ride for me?

Nothing left like it's alright with me

You see I already got my wings, come fly with me

I like that shit, when she get to the side of me

Smile at me and say, "what will you try for me?"

Shrug, she wouldn't lie to me, "it's alright with me"

#2024 #Youtube

[mydarktales]

~Lonely~

Hunger for affection, it's been a while since I've felt touch starved.

Probably since 2018, so I'm forgetting how hard

Days can be when the closest people feel so far

I'm not grounded, and they're stars

Living on cruise control in my car

Being honest, it's easy to explain that things are hard

That scars, reopened and closing them back has been a battle

With sowing needles, while my hands are shackled

Expressing myself in full and people still looking baffled

I didn't have a road map to my lifestyle, none of this was scaffold

I had to figure things out, with everyone around me

Not every romantic relationship requires exclusivity, how y'all sounding

Is pretty wild, but over that, surmounting

And accounting for the fact that different lifestyles lead to different wants and needs

And I didn't realize just how much physical intimacy meant to me

The sensory, unlocks a sense in me

That makes you something closer than a friend to me

It feels like when our locks, you look into me

And sometimes the moment comes with other tendencies

But overall I'm just happy for the time spent with me

---

But it's less of that, people are busy and so am I

Making time, is stressed and so confined

Along with money, so the lines

Of time get scrambled and jammed up

And if I need it, I have to do more than stand up

And reach out, I need to give it to me now

Just as I patched each cut when I would bleed out

I have to take it upon myself to vocalize my needs now

And I won't get upset if it's something you can't meet now

Breathe now, somatic breaths for the anxious days

Rub your arms, give yourself the safest space

Facetime your loved ones and let the day melt away

No matter what...it'll all be okay...

#2024 #Youtube

[mydarktales]

~Anywho....Moving On~

I done spent too much time depressed

I'm done people pleasing, put that man to rest

I'm still giving love, it's bursting out my whole chest

I'm gonna get my money back and make a new flex

Context? I've had family die, exposed lies

Had tears coming out my eyes

No surprise, I'm breaking ties

And pushing forward and no one gets to tell me why

Too many days in December I felt the need to die

But now I try....now I try

Harder than I ever been

Pardon me, I'm heaven sent

With a body full of sin

And encouraging you to approach me if I'm in your lens

And bring your friends

#2024 #Youtube

[mydarktales]

~You Deserve It...~

Look at you...yelling again huh? Saying mean things aren't you? You're a fucking asshole...

That's right isn't it?

Isn't it??

---

You're so unhealthy...

You're truly the worst...

You make everyone feel so terrible...

You aren't a good partner...

You should die...

You should die...

[mydarktales]

~2024~

A new year, we start in 2024

Philophobia is there but it doesn't override the amor

I've felt insecure, I'm sure

More conversations could've been better handled

We are learning to remove the gasoline from the candle

Both still unlearning trauma from the bad dudes

In our lives, who could never treat us right

And I still look at some of them with spite

From above, because even at my lowest, I'm still at heights

Y'all could never reach and that's life

I needed to fall back down to 2018 of looking at my knife

And remembering all I did for y'all, even inch of sacrifice

The thousands of dollars I gave up just for y'all to act like

I was horrible and bogus because I did what made me happy

Even with the hurtful things, I still let y'all get at me

Now I'm laughing, comedy for all the boundaries I let go

For all the mean things said and how I'd let them echo

L, she could never see my side and would deflect when

It was time to apologize, more people who can't clean up their mess when

Will I get rid of everyone with bad intentions?

I can tell you about those niggas, I can give you mad descriptions

So much irritation from being anal with them that it got my ass itching

Too much pink in my eye from all the ass kissing

Not doing what I wanted if it hurt someone like I ever needed someone's permission

#2024 #Youtube

[mydarktales]

What happens to me as time progresses. I feel so low. So much like there is nothing I can do. I feel a desire to end my existence sometimes...

I don't think I'll commit because I reflect on the lives that have impacted me and those I've impacted and it brings me to tears to think about leaving all of this behind...

Sometimes...sometimes I feel like maybe my time is drawing near by my own hands...that I'm not really worth a life to sustain. That I've run my time...

I'm anxious because sometimes I don't feel a sense of numbness, but rather a desire to die, to leave this world behind. Hopefully, it's a desire for the death of my current life and a desire to build a new one.

But if it isn't...well...I'm sorry to everyone ahead of time...

[mydarktales]

The reminder sits constantly that I should let people treat me however they decide to do so...

Regardless of the action, I will be in the wrong. I deserve all of it...

All of it...

[mydarktales]

~Death Before Amor~

Are we getting to more severe stages of philophobia? Is the grief really wearing me that thin? Am I really starting to feel like it's better for me to die? To die...before receiving love? To die because I can't work through the love I seek? Because love and freedom don't feel like they have been hand in hand? A loss of balance...where the only way to fix the scale is to have my life end?

I'm so tired...

I'm so fucking drained...

It's been months of these ups and downs...

Of me challenging myself to give love in difficult spaces...

I won't blame anyone but myself...

But I've tried so hard. I've worked so fucking hard on maintaining trust. Worked so very hard to show I can respect boundaries. That I'll do anything to give the love that's desired. That I'll utilize as many resources as I possibly can, but it's not enough. I haven't read enough books, I haven't taken enough notes, I haven't attempted to lean into trusting the process of hurting you (when I have multiple times)...

But I'm saying it's not enough....

I feel like it hasn't shown enough of a change...

I don't feel like anything became stronger...

I feel like no matter how I explained myself, how many things I kept in mind as I spoke, it wasn't enough....the communication wasn't strong enough...

I kept forgetting processes, I kept forgetting rules, I didn't think to ask questions, my narratives don't line up with what I've texted...

I haven't been transparent enough, despite believing I have...

I didn't do enough...I don't feel like I have...

I can't be in a space to feel compersion anymore...

And it's on me...

But I have to stop here...before I commit to the title itself...

And this becomes the last thing I ever write...

...my mental health is falling this far....wow...

...wow...

#2023 #Youtube

[mydarktales]

~Self Harm~

I don't need a blade to my skin

To relive how I treated me back then

Anxiety got my body wearing thin

Feeling guilty for everything I feel within

No comfort for pleasure, no need to love the sin

No confidence in the mirror, no need to even grin

No need to want it all, no need to think about them

No feeling compersion, only self-hatred and

Stepping back from reality, caught up in the matrix and

Letting it all consume me, they see it in my face again

They know I didn't take that break for real, I'm back in that space again

Where I'm people pleasing, losing my place again

Not holding a boundary, I start the self-hate again

Looking at my life, when will I erase again?

Yearning for the love I asked for, but I can't give chase again

Just salty from the tears and more, I won't forget the taste again...

---

Self-harm isn't just knives to the skin

It's losing boundaries and emotions wearing thin

To feel rejected even with my heart on my skin

To hate taking space from my lover or my friends (x2)

#2023 #Youtube

[mydarktales]

~The Cycle~

Oh no...I'm scared of love again...

#2023

[mydarktales]

~Kingdoms' Fall~

I can't say I'm sorry enough...

I can't...get scared at this side of love...

I won't...handle it if I'm only on drugs...

I don't...think I'm worthy of hugs...

---

Or anything as we push forward

My thoughts move slower...

I can't pop up, unplug the toaster...

This is weight that won't leave my shoulders (it's grief)...

(That's got me feeling so beneath

Looking around at some of the empty seats

Looking at the empty plates, I'm glad y'all got to eat

And y'all owe me nothing, so trash the receipts

Before you go through our socials and delete

Me and never look back on the texts

We won't laugh again...we have nothing else to confess

We won't be here to help each other through stress...

We live with nothing but regrets...

Friend "o"r lover, I still became an e"x")

---

Sometimes kingdoms fall, and we don't follow through with peace treaties

At this point, who cares if you don't come see me?

I wasn't worth your time, I know this was real easy

I put myself out there, it's on me if I start freezing

I wear nothing to protect myself, so when I start fleeing

I'm looking for warmth, or whatever matches that feeling

I get through therapy and once again I'm "healing"

Then I fall in love again and now I'm back again kneeling...

I let it all fall apart

At some point, I just start

Going with the flow, I domino, I'm breaking hearts

Alter egos, I lean into people, I become Dark...

Not worthy of love, not worthy of friendships

Not worthy of life, I'm just too scared to end shit

So sad with my head down, I'm not in the space for pretending

Then people issue out hands for lending

And I'll avoid it, even if it means fingers bending

Sad and angry, emotions blending

The grief is endless...give witness

I'm sorry I get mad at myself, then hit shit

Why can't I communicate? I just don't get it

In my head is where all of the damn conflict is

#2023 #Youtube

[mydarktales]

~New Day; More Work~

Ayo,

I'm an educator, very passionate

Y'all mind if I hash a bit?

The job is fabulous

I've changed lives, let me brag a bit

But there are times I'm stagnant

Free time? Me time? I wish I had it

Going through the sad shit

Feeling anxious, even mad shit

Feeling like I can't have shit

I wish this was more than what I imagine

But doing paperwork after paperwork does damage

And I get so high, that I'm crash-landing

Can't focus on a conversation, details turn into tangents

Too tired to eat, but knowing I feel famished

Get so lost in my head that I'm feeling stranded

Don't know what my needs are, so now I feel abandoned

Don't care for this community, so knowing what a man is

Creates a cycle of mental health issues that get expanded

So I'd rather not seek guidance from such a planet

Dammit...I know grading the papers matter

I know grading assessments matter

I know data tracking, no slacking, needs to happen because it matters

But if it's bringing my emotions into tatters

And I treat myself like the latter

Then do I really matter?

Ladder...

Look it at in the last four lines and you can catch the spiral

And then everyone sees it like it's going viral

I'm so fixated on being perfect just because I hold this title

Quick scope, lose hope, someone use the rifle

You won't help, I just melt, why would I even like you?

Long days, wrong ways, no telling what I might do

I might sleep for hours on end

Or have anxiety nightmares and pretend

Like I didn't only get 2 hours of sleep the night before

Wanting to feel better and wanting to rest, what a war

Feeling like I don't know myself anymore...

#2023 #Youtube

[mydarktales]

~To Suffer~

It wasn't enough to hurt me, you made it tougher

A bad choice at love, you were another

Different complexion, but you remind me of my grandmother

Reminding me again of what it's like to suffer

----

Don't talk to me for days on end

I'm not here, please don't pretend

You were never my best friend

Let me repeat these thoughts again...

Don't talk to me for days on end

I'm not here, please don't pretend

You were never my best friend

Let me repeat these thoughts again...

I gave you a home, three times if I'm counting right

If anyone hurt you, I'd be ready to fight

I know that you had a hard life

And I felt that you deserved delight

So I gave you birthday parties and gifts

Brought you on trips (because you love to travel)

Anything else I missed?

It's not enough to give a shit

I gave you my whole body, all of my feelings

Was honest about all the healing

None of it seemed appealing...

I couldn't make you happy and that ate me up inside

I believe you deserved it and if I could provide

A space to show you emotions didn't need to hide

Then I could change the misery in your life

You said you hate me, more than once, more than twice

You didn't need to date me, I wasn't your type

I knew that and told you it was your choice to join the ride

Or continue to live your single life....so why didn't you?

----

You saw my trauma, you helped it build

Talking about fucking my dead homie brought a thrill

Talking about fucking your best friend brought me chills

And when I asked you to be honest about it, you acted like it was no big deal

To sit here and fascinate

On a relationship that wasn't yours, procrastinate

On being real that you never left that unrequited love

That maybe what I was to you was a replacement, I was never going to be enough...

I wish I could talk to you better, I wish I could get you to be more honest

I wish you'd take all the anger out of your responses

I wish you'd put your walls down

I wish things didn't have to fall out

In such a horrific manner

To you becoming below my standards

To you becoming nothing but a cancer

Sitting with my therapist, "I can't forgive her....I can't stand her..."

---

You showed me what it meant to suffer

And through all that, my heart still said, "I love her"

You showed me what it meant to suffer

To admit you made our relationship tougher

You showed me what it meant to suffer

To even now I can't explain myself, I stutter

And blame myself for not being able to read minds

To be hard on myself for making mistakes and fearing crossing lines

To people pleasing, boundaries leaving, every time

Fearing conflict because violence comes to mind

Therapy for years after you, I'm still not fine...

You showed me what it meant to suffer

You were not my lover

You showed me what it meant to suffer

You were not my lover

#2023 #Youtube