myescapediary

[myescapediary]

i’m genuinely so sad about seeing DV with the girl.

2/11/24 @11:15am

[myescapediary]

2 month update:

I don’t be planning to do 2 month updates lmao but anyways reading my last update shit has changed.. where do I begin?? 

J: I said said I was going to cut him off lmaoo.. we still talk here and there but honestly I stopped caring after the 2nd week. I am just living life as he is too, whateverrr

School: I am taking two summer classes and its been pretty rough. I am here 4 times a week and it’s been hard keeping up specially since i'm not as motivated. I failed my first quiz since I was too focused on my other exam which i got like a 78%. I am not used to these lows scores so it makes me less motivated but my parents are paying for this so I need ro get my shit together. 

“friend group”: I went to see drake yesterday with jacob and ,jz, eddie my sister and joseph were there as well just different seating. It was so much fun, although i was pretty disappointed for the seating asn the amount of money I paid but yolo. I mentioned on my last post how we were taking a trip around my bday.. sooo turns out I was but then my internship begins and I cant make it now, I really don't care tbh, i need to be smart and save money. I just hope to take a trip at least when I graduate. 

I texted Naz, and he never replied, i don't blame jim lmao or maybe he just changed his number?? 

DV: either the first or second week that j left, I seen dv at the club and just last week I went to his house and couple strokes happened thats all LMAOO but yeah since he slides up on my stories and stuff lolz.He always mentions if i'm going to be his plus one for the wedding & I am trying to get myself invited to that wedding fr. He was talking about some , “ur always cheating on me” like broooo ur even worseeee. I just hate that hes such a whoreeeeee. 

Omar; so omarr slid up on my story and turns out we might be going out w Alexis sometimeeeee (:, about fucking time bruuuu. I miss my friend. 

Overall, life been ok. I just need to get my shir together with school, save money and just let shit be and enjoy life day by day. 

So today in the morning my bitch ass dog bit me and my lips are so swollen, i had to wear a mask to school. I am now in class sitting here writing this instead of writing down notes LOL. Need to get my shit together fr. 

Mon, july 24th, 2023

11:52am

[myescapediary]

Update:

Hey! Its been two months and I have so much to say lmao. I swear time flies, can’t believe its been two months since I been on here. ANYWAYSS,

let me start of by saying my life been all over the fucking place, shit be changing so mf quick... I cant keep up. 

Work been great, love it there so far. Nothing to complain about other than sometimes time be going by so sloooow, I am trying to find another job during the weekends to have that as extra money for school or whatever. 

J, cut him off on wed 5/24/23 bcs mf going to FL with Brit for about 3/4 months and that honestly did not sit right with me at all. I just don’t understands why he wants to to be there like a dumb bitch as if he’s not building and continuing to build what they have going on like what???? Idk if its the fact that he’s been able to at least find someone and i have not. Yet again, I haven’t even tried to actually build something with anyone else bcs I been trying to be on my own. Also, he been ready to settle and wants to have a family and shit at an early age and i honestly don’t give af at this point. School is my priority rn and being able to be happy on my own. Ngl it does irk me too bcs i’m used to always having him to myself but this juts doesn't sit right with me, him actually trying to remove me slowly bcs he has her like wht???? Maybe this needed ti happen for me to finally cut ties. Of we are meant to be, we will get back together when the time is right. 

School is over, semester ended like two weeks ago and i ended it with allA’s and made deans list. Hopefully I keep it like that, i’m planning on taking summer courses but the money is always a issue so idk what to do. I feel bad not being able to help my parents tbh. I know i be going out like every weekend but I don’t spend money honestly, I have stopped spending money in dumb shit. 

I still hang with the same group and im honestly surprised bcs they don’t seem to be people who I hang with but they cool to go out with and thats it. Jacob been trying to get close to me and flirts with me but na lmaoo cant scoop that low fuck no. Bailee and JZ are a thing now LMAOO. She left her mans for him and ngl i was salty at first cus wtf?? but it showed me JZ true colors and i just laugh at him cus he’s dumb af and i know he knows but i am over him and don���t care anymore. Did him out of spite and yea i embarrassed myself but whatever shit happens. They planning a trip around my bday lets see if i go, tbh i don’t really care if i don’t go yet again ik ima feel left out af. 

I been having the urge to speak to Naz, but idk if i’m having those thoughts out of spite or bcs I actually care?? I know it wont kill me to reach out but i’m also embarrassed to reach out cus who tf am I? Like now I wanna text him?? yk, but we’ll see. 

Overall, i am happy where im at with school and just my social life. J has been taking a toll on me but i am going to try and actually heal and move on because I have not been giving myself that. 

May 27th, 2023 

2;25pm 

[myescapediary]

Another update:

I decide to update my tumblr whenever i’m really sad and cant process what im feeing or thinking so this might be type long so ill break it down. where do I even start?? Its been two months and four days since I came on here. Based off my last update um...

RU update:

there is five weeks left of the semester!! Crazy how fast time flew by, its been ok haven’t make friends tbh but hopefully next semester is different. I am nervous about finals and I still haven’t paid off my tuition.. I also have my internship placement interview that I am so nervous about. I hope i do good and i am just so excited and scared at the same time. 

New job: 

I got a job!! I work at a Physical Therapy clinic and its been good so far, way different from my last job. Although i only work two days bcs of school, i am so ready to be full time once the semester is over. I am tired of not having money and i need to pay off my credit cards smh. 

Social Life: lmao might have to break this one down too... 

lets start of with Franco: that was a nice time, distanced myself bcs he was giving bf vibes and wanting a relationship, not what i want.. DV: um with this one.. said i was going to exchange my gifts and then cut him off.. well, his gifts are still sitting in my room LMAO! Idk whats going on with that, i just been avoiding him, he gives me an ick now... J: still around, it’s been really weird, idk why. He stood at my house for two days then his “girl” came to my house and confronted him about him staying here since he lied and she thinks i’m not in his life anymore, welp he went home the following day. He says he wants nothing w her but i’m sure he does, he prob just doesn’t want to be the first one to get into a relationship. Now lets talk about the one thats been taking a toll on me for no fucking reason... 

JZ, ok well from last update i seen him at esquina was awkward. Fast forward to 3/10, went to B’s bday party. Me and JZ spoke shit out like fr we kept it cool and it was nice getting the closure I needed, told him how i never wanted a relationship with him etc. I also mentioned how he blocked me from viewing his stories and him viewing mine. Mind you i’m not even that lit bcs i didn't want to do anything stupid since this is the first time being around him since brunch lmao. Night goes on, we dancing then i’m dancing on him cus why not and i notice he keeps staring at my lips and i eventually play dumb and let him kiss me =, first time i backed off second time we made out for like 2 seconds LMAO. Ok, i then let him be and distance myself, I notice B wants to get with him so i’m avoiding them although he isn't fully paying attention to her, fast forward, we end up getting kicked out and we going home. B is in the car w me asking for JZ and how she wants him to take her home and how he “kissed her”. ok anyways, he doesn’t take her home and she lied about that and he told everyone he only kissed me cool. I obv felt a type of way seeing them bcs idk why he got me feeling like this for him, when he doesn’t do shit bruh. Following day we go to Scarlet’s and B is with him and i was like great.. they was always together and i was lowkey hurt, why idk but I was. I just hoped she wasn’t going to NYC with us too.. 

Ok we go to NYC with the boys for St.Pattys day, its me ad libi and the guys from brunch... off the bat Jacob is being an asshole and bringing brunch up all the time, found out that I was crying for JZ that day of brunch like wtf?? ad to play it off like i remembered that LMAO. Ok, i avoid JZ all night then remembered the following day going up to him and my dumbass being drunk bringing up B to him talking about some, i’m not dumb you want her and he’s like no I want u and i’m like you’re not acting like it and thats all I remembered. He been watching my ig stories since B’s bday but idk my dumbass always does some dumb shit to push him off. I think its the thought of him not wanting me what kills me, like wtf? Following day all his boys said how they would get with me and how i’m bad like wtf let me heal you from your ex?? LMAOO JK. But that was another story, they prob think i’m easy after brunch but hell na, jacob was buggin and swears. Ok well that was on 3/18 and I haven’t seen him since. 

I am just driven by the fact he doesn’t want me ig? but then he goes kissing me and saying he wants me? is he that much of a bitch? like I don’t understand fr and me wanting answers makes me want him more and honestly he isn’t even that cute, well he is but like for me to be this “obsessed”. He def needs healing from his ex bcs he be liking sad shit and how he can’t trust females.. He is just such a cool person and his vibes are it, his style and the way he talks god. I don’t know what JZ did to me but he got me going through it without doing anything bruh. No need for me to feel this way. And the fact he knows i’m down bad for him prob gives him an ick and i see why but i try to avoid him and be cool but i fuck it up somehow. I clearly can’t drink when i’m around him. I just wished he was open to getting to know me and not making it weird. But yeah, that’s mainly what’s been making me upset,I was over the thought of him till i was around him for 2 weekends straight. They talking about NYC next weekend and staying over there, idk if he’s going and idk if B is going. If she goes that shit gonna blow mine but we’ll see. 

I should be doing homework but here’s me writing a whole book lol.

March 25, 2023 

4:19pm 

[myescapediary]

Update

It’s been a month and 20 day, and all I can say a lot has happened since. 

I am officially a SCARLETS KNIGHTS!! Being in RU and just walking on campus and taking the bus has felt like a dream. My inner child is screaming. I worked so hard to get here. Tuition was kicking my ass at first but comes to find out i was paying out of school tuition but it has now dropped $9k making tuition $10k. Hopefully i get some type of financial help bcs I truly need it. 

My last day at Hollister was the 13th and its been rough getting used to not working or making money. Yesterday was actually my last paycheck and thats going to paying off my apple credit card. I am going insane just being home. I need to find me a weekend job since I only got school tue-thur. 

J is still in the picture, he still talks to that girl and seems like he’s asking her out. I just found out about 30 mins ago how she thinks i’m not in the picture at all and i hate being in that position for both of them . One cus poor girl has no clue and then I feel bad for J cus what if i’m blocking him from the love of his life? Me being selfish like always. I don’t know weird situation. 

I went on my first date on Sun 1/7. I went w “Franco”, we been texting since like Christmas and its been weird, idk but we’ll see where or how this goes which i don’t expect it to go anywhere cus I do not want a relationship with anyone at all! DV still there but barley, once we exchange our gifts i’m cutting him off. Offra is my “esquina bf” he’s super sweet but nun there for sure. JZ not around seen him on 12/30. Said hi to him and gave him my condolences about his dog and ofc he told B. Turns out i look”exactly” like his ex and thats why he was always distant with me but idc, well i wish i didn't care at all cus a part of me still does but whatever. 

January 21st, 2023 

10:52pm  

[myescapediary]

i’ve never felt so dirty in my life. Idk why i put myself in this position, i don’t get it and i’m so over it. I honestly don’t know what the fuck i’m doing.

2:19am

Dec 1st, 2022

[myescapediary]

my day just started, all i’m thinking about is how my sister saw them yesterday. All i’m thinking about is how she posted him on her vsco at the movies doing the “hold my hand and walk post”. All i’m thinking about is him posting their plates while they went out to eat. All i’m thinking about is why do I even feel like this? I swore I didn’t want anything with him but why am I so hurt? Like I don’t get it. I’m so hurt, confused and angry. Do you really see yourself building something with her? I mean clearly he does. It’s been 3 weeks since he’s told me so he’s been talking to her for almost 1 month 1/2. I don’t get it. Did i fuck up? Did I wait too long? Do I really want him back? Do i just feel like this because i would’ve thought he’d never move on? I am so confused.

Nov 26th, 2022.

11:00am

[myescapediary]

nov 11th he told me

me trying to keep track of how long he’s been talking to her lmao! I hate me

so fucking sad

[myescapediary]

How I feel

I am so upset and in disbelief. I feel like a second option, like if he's just keeping me around if they dont workout. I had to deactivate my igs because  I just can not see anything else even though i'll for sure find ways to find stuff out. I hate that i'm constantly checking my phone to see if he replied. Like why the fuck? Is it because i'm not talking to anyone or what? like i'm genuinely so confused about why. I know I love him and it's obvious if i am so hurt but if i so call “love” him why am I not willing to work things out? Although we both done stuff and let shit happen with other people I just can't now after he posted a whole new bitch like what? my ego won't let me lmao! it's like really?? I’m just done, i'm so hurt for real. Seeing that really hurt me. I can’t even fully express my feelings because it’s not like i'm going to tell him let’s work things out because im just one confusing bitch and dont know what I want. I am happy for him, the fact he finally feels like he can move on and i won't ruin that for him after everything I put him tough, he deserves it, he deserves happiness.. 

He better not text me tomorrow or something because I just wont reply. I’m not going to be avoidable only when he wants to talk to me like fuck out of here, i'm down bad but not that down bad. Idc. I don’t even know what else to say honestly, i am lost of words if we are being honest. 

Nov 20th, 2022

10:25pm

[myescapediary]

Fucked

Okay, so yesterday (Nov 19th), I went to J’s house to speak to his mom aka my bff. I let J down and did what he told me not. I told his mom about B before i can even speak I deadass started to cry lmao. Anyways, she knows how i feel and she knows im hurting and we had a very deep conversation about everything and stuff we never mentioned. Anyways, he wasn't home so i was upset bcs I wanted to “run” into him. 

Today, Nov 20th, he texts me asking me how i'm feeling like you dumb piece of shit, he's not helping me whatsoever. He doesn't text me like he used to and it's like what's the point bro? why are you keeping me around for i'm so upset. I hate that i fucking care, all i think is what is he doing or damn i he really giving her all his attention? like damn bro why? 

Nov 20th, 2022

10:12pm 

[myescapediary]

Month Update:

Ok so update about JZ, we don't speak at all anymore. I was cool w J and hung out couple times and spoke daily, even ft at times. He came on our “anniversary” and got me a spooky basket, that let me say I fell in love with because it was so thoughtful. Okay so fast foward to halloweekend, I was supposed to hang with Mel her cousins, libi and tagged J along. The night didn’t go as planned, me libi and J ended up in jersey city. However, the boys were nearby and ended up tagging along with us. J got mad af and we argued and every since, shit changed.. Ok, we moved past that after we spoke and we were cool but he was very distant.

On Nov 11th, towards the night he called me on ft and started to tell me about some girl he met and been talking to. Mind you, he will always pl=rank me to get a reaction out of me. So there goes me not believing him fully, he's talking about her and just describing her and stuff, as he's speaking I honestly don't know how to feel, i'm in disbelief. He then tells me that she knows about me and how that no matter what he wants me to be apart of his life and that she understands that which is very fucking unrealistic like cmon now. Anyways, i'm like yeah sure bcs like I said i still didn't believe him. Towards the end of the call he tells me how he's going out and he's going to be with her so he will talk to me the following day and i didn't care much bcs I was going out too. 

Mind you, I don't even want to go out but im like let me go to clear my mind and not overthink at home. I'm out with Alexis and his boys, drinking and trying to avoid my sadness. It's almost time to leave, I check my socials and I see him post her on his snapchat and instagram... people are texting me and showing me at that point i start crying in the fucking bar like a dumb bitch so I tell alexis we had to go. I'm hysterically crying as we walk to the car and i'm just in disbelieve and in so much pain and anger. So I text him a paragraph on how we cant be friends and he automatically calls me and is texting me to pick up. 

The following day, i decide to say that one of my friends sent that message to not show I care and we move past it, but mind you im hurt af and crying all day lmao! So whatever, he's very distant and I seen him post a snap obv him out w her at bdubs and so I text him how I felt and expressed all my thoughts. The conversations turns into an argument ofc, we then talk on the phone the following day and agree to be friends.. we continue to text. 

It's now friday the 18th,  and I wanted to see him so we make plans to out that night to ashford, he picks me up and i saw him texting leo lmao. Did phase me so it killed my mood so i was quite as we drove there, you can feel the tension and the awkwardness between us. He's on his phone more than usual when were out and it bothered me and all i was thinking was her. So he then keeps looking at me and it's making me mad and I wanted to just cry and tell him i want to get back with him when i really don't but i can't stand the fact he's willing to try with someone else. So, I then ask him for us to go home, we get to the car and I asked him where does she think hes at and he laughs and said tbh she thinks i'm out with Carlos, that made me so angry and upset i laughed turned to the window and started to hold my tears. He then asks me why im acting like that and why are we talking about her when we were supposed to just enjoy the night together but I just can't. So I started telling him off to leave me alone and that us friends is not a good ide and he then gets upset and starts arguing with me but i'm not even saying anything i'm just mad and still in disbelief. I then get home and i'm just crying ofc. I text him and tell him that i'm sorry the night ended the way it did but I just can't. He still avoid the no longer friends part and tells me i won't happen again and i told him to not worry about it and that i don't want to know about her and that that's it. He then texts me today, nov 20th acting like everything is ok and asking how i'm feelin, he then takes hours to reply, i replied 6:42pm and it's now 9:41pm and no response.. I am lost of words,. 

Nov 20th, 2022

9;41pm 

[myescapediary]

Quick update

Update about JZ: as we were texting for those couple of days, like i've mentioned before he would take forever and it felt forced. I spoke up and told him straight up that i just wanted to be cool and get it know him but that I wasn’t gonna keep forcing the convo. He then said he doesn't feel forced to reply that he feels like he's more interesting in person. I then replied, if he wasn't i simply would not be replying to him, he never replied lmaoooo! I dont care anymore cus i geniuky tried and i done made myself look like a fool multiple times for this dude. Im never the chase tf! 

Update on J: I haven't heard of him, i texted him twice and he hasn’t replied. Within the time from the first text I sent he dropped of flowers which made me very confused tbh. I then texted him about the flowers and he still didn't reply so idk. Idk whats going on but like I said on my previous blog, did you find my tumblr? 

Update on RU: I GOT ACCEPTED TO RU BRUNSWICK AND I ACCEPTED THE OFFER JUST A FEW MINS AGO! IM SO HAPPY LOL <3

10/15/22 

11:44pm

[myescapediary]

did you find my diary?

10/15/22 

11:32pm

[myescapediary]

Update;

I had went to the club with everyone on 9/25, saw JZ he seem off turns out he didn't wanna come since he had a hangover. Time went on and he left, I texted him if he was ok he said yeah and we kept small talk from there on. So were texting for a couple days. Within that time frame we sent like 6/7 texts a day max. My dumbass should’ve been stop replying but I got too caught up on the fact he’s “shy”. I am so dumb honestly, I knew better than this now i look fucking dumb. I regret it honestly, im left on D now like the dumb bitch I am lmao. Idk what it is but i’m just so upset, not him just life. I literally can’t, I hate that i’m like this. I’m finally over the brunch incident, now to get over the idea of him. I am so upset, lost and confused. On 9/27, we went bar hopping with the girls and essy.. ran into joey and they met him. My dumbass almost fought and seemed like it was over joey but it was not. Brandon somehow found out and i'm pretty sure Joel heard. He hates drama and the girls bcs they talk a lot , now he's gonna think im like them when i'm not. However, on the bright side, I got accepted to RU newark, waiting to hear back from Brunswick, hope i get admitted to it.

Oct 2nd, 2022

8:45pm

[myescapediary]

So I still feel like pure shirt, at this point idk what is really bothering me or what’s making me feel like this. I am just depressed again. I can feel it and I don’t like being like this. I find any excuse to find temporary happiness, I hate that about myself. I am tired and exhausted. I just want to hear back from Rutgers so I can go back get into my grind and meet new friends. I am dreading the situation from Sunday tbh, there’s no need for me to keep stressing it but I am being so hard on myself. My problem is that when I am attracted to someone I start gaslighting and seeing way more than what I should lmao. I was deadass thinking about spooky szn w this mf, like bruh I barley even know the kid… what is wrong with me? I want to text him but I don’t want too at the same time cus it’s like he prob thinks i am attached and want more than what he wants but like way before sunday happened I was already texting him.. so idk i’m just overthinking it all and I need help bcs this sadness is consuming me and draining me.

Sep. 17th, 2022

11:57am

[myescapediary]

update:

so I fucked up big time…. I went to JZ’s brunch yesterday drank too much and ended up fucking him in a bathroom. Like what the fuck? Why did i let it happen so soon, i literally don’t remember anything or how that even happened. Worst part is, i don’t even know if it was good or not LMAO. I am so upset at myself, everyone heard and basically saw. I had an amazing time tho besides that, it felt like I was dating him lol. Anyways, we spoke about the situation, he paid for the plan b just incase and i hope to keep on texting him… let’s hope he doesn’t see me differently after the bs happened bcs I really want to get to know this kid.

Sep 12th, 2022

4:45pm

[myescapediary]

Another quick update

so today is Friday, me and my friend decided to go to the mall with the guys we been trying to talk too. However, she is talking to the guy and the one I am interested in isn't making any type of moves. He was awkward as always but not too much as usual. We went to the gym after and he put me under his guest pass. While we were there as they were giving us our temp passes, the guy was being weird so J came over and was telling the guy if we were done cus we were going to workout and that was attractive af. The fact he was aggressively talking and isnt afraid to talk. Anyways, my dumbass got home and decided to text him, its been two hours and heard nothing yet LOL. I’m so embarrassed!! 

Friday Sep 9th, 2022.

11:26pm