nikkithisisme

[nikkithisisme]

Trapped

I want to scream, but I am much too proper for that. I want to tell some people about themselves, but I don't have anything nice to say, and you know how that saying goes. So I stay silent while the scream that I need to let out is slowly growing inside of my chest, begging, and pleading and reasoning with me so it will be released.

It's still trapped.

Nicole 10/29/20

[nikkithisisme]

Restless

I suffer from anxiety, I shouldn't necessarily say suffer, a more accurate description would be that I am sometimes plagued by my indecisive mind and when I agree to do something that my whole being does not agree to, I suffer from anxiety.

Side note, I am a Libra, this is important information because Libras are well known for their indecisiveness.

My current bout with anxiety has reacquainted me with my insomnia, all because I agreed to do something that I absolutely do not want to do, so now my mind is punishing me because I was too cowardly to say no.

A friend of mine owns a little cafe, he wants to expand his menu choices by adding some Carribean cuisine, so he has asked me to share some of my recipes with him. I have my own business that I am working on, I sell the food that I create so this ask is extremely presumptuous. When he first asked me for a few of my recipes, I told him no, because reason one, I do not work from recipes unless I am baking and even then some of my recipes took years to perfect so to just give them away is not something that I am willing to do. Reason two, I sell the food that I create, so it is not okay with me to teach you my tricks that took me years to master so you can turn around and slap your name on it and make money off of my blood sweat and tears.

He asked me how to make a few items previously and I told him no and explained to him that I cannot give him a recipe to items that I sell, he said he understood. I did go as far as to Google some recipes for him that sounded like they were good and shared them with him, he was appreciative.

He recently asked me to show him how to make Rice and Peas, I agreed to this because as a Jamaican you should at minimum know how to make Rice and Peas so I agreed to show him a basic recipe (not my recipe), he then requested I show him My Red Peas Soup recipe, I declined as I already sent him a recipe I found online for him, so he changed it up and asked for a stewed chicken recipe, this is one of those instances where you give an inch and they want to take a mile (humans) so I gave in, I am going to teach him how to make Stewed Chicken (not my method tho) so he can turn around and teach his employees what I taught him.

I just believe that if you are going to put your name on something, you should at least do something that is yours, try, fail, try again until you get it right.

So my anxiety is off the charts right now, I did not sleep well, I am currently not looking forward to having outside energy in my home, and I do not want to do this at all! But I said yes, so I am going to go through with this lesson, but I am going to make it very clear to him that he doesn't get to ask me again, this is a one off and I am doing it under duress.

Yes I am dramatic and sharing a recipe doesn't seem that serious because people do it all the time, the thing is, they are not doing it out of the kindness of their hearts, they are doing it so they can get followers and hopefully make some money off of the traffic on their posts. If I share something with anyone they can count themself lucky because I don't trust people like that. Everyone's out here trying to make a dollar, you're just not going to make it off of my sweat.

Nikki 10/25/20

[nikkithisisme]

Bad Mind and Grudgeful

This post kept on popping up on my feed across multiple platforms, I chose not to watch it because I knew what was coming and I did not want to be disappointed and disgusted with my people. I try to watch positive and uplifting stories because I know we can do better. But every once in awhile one of these stories slips through and I cannot avoid it anymore.

I got caught on WhatsApp with this one, so I managed to avoid it on every platform except WhatsApp. I ended up watching the two minutes that were posted, and I went in search of the original creator so that I could watch the full clip, even though I knew in my heart that this post was going to end the way I predicted.

I don't know why I am so upset about the outcome, I knew what it was the moment I saw the title. I think it might be the explanation at the end that hurt my spirit. The fact that there are people like this out in the world is heart wrenching. How broken does a person need to be to think and behave this way. How do they live with themself knowing what they have done, the lives that they have ruined, the pain that they have inflicted on people because of what? Because they couldn't find a way out of their misery and decided that if they cannot be happy, no one else should either. The blatant disregard for another person's life has me sick, sick because this is happening everywhere, you cannot trust anyone because you don't know what feelings people are carrying in their heart for you, they might have the biggest smile on their face and say the nicest things to you, some might even encourage you on your path, but in their heart there is spite, resentment, jealousy, and hatred all because you are succeeding when they are failing. Humanity is failing horribly, try to be a better version of yourself.

Be careful who you share your story with, everyone does not genuinely wish the best for you. Stay safe out there.

Nicole 10/25/20

#@iamprinceangelo #badmind #people suck

[nikkithisisme]

The Author

I am feeling my way around words, trying to get reacquainted with their beauty and rage. It's been awhile. I want to open the tap, but I need to do it slowly, I need to taste them slowly, let the richness, the sweetness and the bitterness of them cover my tongue so that I may absorb them, process them, cherish them, so I can set them free. Out into the world where they can be misunderstood, abused,loved, hated, or passed over. They will never truly get the respect and appreciation they deserve because the meaning, the importance, and the power of words can only be felt, savoured and truly understood by the author.

Me 10/23/20

[nikkithisisme]

People Can Suck It!

The new year is quickly approaching. What bad habits do I want to dispose of this time? I have been thinking about this for a while, and I decided that "people" must go. I am over people. Tired of giving of myself to undeserving people. Sick of worrying about asshole people. Fed up of giving to unappreciating people. No more going out of my way to help, accommodate, comfort, console, listen, give, love, care for, any more people. My well is empty and when I refill, it will be for my use only. I am overdue on some self loving. 2017 is the year of me. People suck and I am tired. Nicole 12/29/16

[nikkithisisme]

WOW! I had a real emo day yesterday, thank God that's over! On to sunshine and rainbows 😆 Sometimes you just have to let out the bad to get to the good. Nicole 8/15/16

[nikkithisisme]

The fluffiest lemon ricotta pancakes!

http://www.thechunkychef.com/lemon-ricotta-pancakes/

[nikkithisisme]

Ramen Revisited + How to make Dashi | My New Roots

[nikkithisisme]

Cheesy Mashed Potato Puffs- unbelievably fluffy on the inside, yet crispy and crunchy on the outside!

RECIPE!

PIN: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/525795325226618030/

[nikkithisisme]

Lemon Marshmallow Cake | Donal Skehan

[nikkithisisme]

Pad Thai with Prawns | Doriann

[nikkithisisme]

Come learn how to make the Green Chile White Queso Dip of your dreams with this easy 5-minute recipe! It’s cheesy, tasty, and incredibly good! 

http://foodfolksandfun.net/2016/08/green-chile-white-queso-dip/

#quesodip #quickandeasydip

[nikkithisisme]

When people look at me I would love to know what they actually see! Nicole 8/14/16

[nikkithisisme]

Questions

Forever Love Is there such a thing? How does one person profess to love another being forever? Is this concept even possible? Does this person allow you to be who you truly are without judgement, without punishment? Is any one person capable of this kind of purity? What does it take to be capable of this kind of understanding? Love, what does this word actually mean? Who created this word? Why is it so complicated? Forever and always, is this something that I have craved for, is it just an illusion? What does it all mean? Too many questions, too few answers! If we are ever changing beings, do we have multiple lifetimes in one lifetime? How does one grow when what we require is constantly changing? How do you care for someone's heart when you are struggling to care for your own? What is the purpose? What is my purpose? As I sit here looking into my cup trying to find the answers, I am as clueless as when I started. Why is life so difficult? Nicole 8/14/16

[nikkithisisme]

Confusion!

How do you know? This lifetime, infinite lifetimes, How many times have I done this before? Does it end when you finally get it right? What is the purpose of my life? Why do I feel like I am still doing it wrong? So many mistakes or were they lessons? I need a do over, maybe I will get it right the next time. Infinite possibilities of how this life could turn out, Why am I living this version, what lessons am I supposed to learn? Confusion! Is this the life I am supposed to be living? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right? Who is holding the cards to this game called my life? Why aren’t they playing the right ones? How do I know what move to play next? Why isn’t there a manual for this shit? Confusion! Tearing me apart from the inside out, why is this a constant struggle? I need guidance, I need help, someone to help me understand this life!

Nicole 9/14/16

[nikkithisisme]

if you are not in love, and i mean madly and truly in love with the woman you are with, then you are wasting your time and hers, and it’s time to move on, time to find the courage to catch the one who will always take your breath away.

(via elprofesore)

[nikkithisisme]

Yum

These No-Bake Peanut Butter, Oat and Nut Squares can be put together in just minutes. They are simple, delicious and healthy.

No-bake Peanut Butter, Oat and Nut squares.

What you need: 3 cups rolled oats ½ cup mixed nuts, roughly chopped 1 cup all natural peanut butter ½ cup honey

What to do: Line a 9x9 baking pan with aluminum foil. Spray lightly with cooking spray. Place oats and chopped nuts in a bowl. Heat the peanut butter and honey together in a small sauce pan. Once melted add the mixture to the oats and nuts and mix well. Press the mixture into the prepared pan and refrigerate for a few hours. Cut into squares and store in the refrigerator otherwise they get too soft.

Makes 12-15 squares, depending on how you cut them.