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It is understandable that this hurts. It wouldn’t make sense if this didn’t hurt me.

I’ve become an afterthought, she loves the man that the one I loved before also loved.

She gives all her attention to him. It hurts. I was her bestfriend, she called me her favorite person, but I watched her slowly drift towards him, start to prioritize him. I watched her fall in love with him. But it’s my own fault. I need to work on myself, I can’t date, I can’t give someone something secure while we’re a mess. She deserves only the best, and I can’t be that. And asking someone to wait for me would be evil.

But if I’d gotten better sooner she might’ve been with me. It’s selfish of me to wish I had just asked her out before I was healthy but I do. I wish I did so badly. I love her so much. So so so much. She’s the only one left of my beloved three. The others are gone.

I know I’m horribly obsessive, and jealous. I need to fix it. To have drawings of her like I do, every picture she’s ever sent to me or the server of herself saved, screenshots of every nice thing she’s said to me, changing my schedule to get as much time as I can with her, having notes and docs of things that remind me of her.

I’m a fucking creep. And I refuse to subject her to that. I will get better.

I’m disgusted with myself, but mostly I’m disgusted with some of my thoughts about the situation.

The most important thing is that she’s happy and healthy. But I also find myself hoping their relationship fails. Some part of me wants it to fall apart. Not badly, heavens no I wouldn’t wish that on her ever. I want them to just not work out, and for them to part ways, so I can have my bestfriend back. I wish we’d never had met him. I was there first, I loved them both first, I would die if she asked me too.

But thats all disgusting. I’m a horrible friend to wish anything ill upon either of them. Nor am I owed anything. I just wish I hadn’t stopped being her focus. I was hoping maybe she would reciprocate the attention I gave her one day but it’s only dwindled.

I don’t hate the man, but to see another one of the people I hold closest go to him is devastating. I feel like I’ve lost so much to him, he took over my role in the server, he took the first girl’s attention and now he’s taken the second.

I thought we were friends, but he never thought that, and that’s absolutely fair of him. But it kinda hurt.

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We’re pathetic. Truly.

I am disgusted with myself.

I deserve every bit of pain this is bringing me.

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Not even gonna lie. I think I hate you now.

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Everytime that man calls i think of breaking his fucking nose.

Im never gonna forgive him.

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Sometimes I cry when people say nice things. Like a lot actually.

They waste kind words and breath on me not knowing I don’t deserve any of it.

I’m deceiving everyone, I’m horrible and they don’t know it and we’re too far in to back out. People are attached to us when they shouldn’t be.

Even aside from the bad things we’ve done. I’ll never be worth the love they give. Never fucking ever.

I’m so useless. I just make them all so miserable. It doesn’t matter how many good moments I give them. It’ll never be enough to make up for the bad I’ve done. Every single time I’ve hurt them. They don’t even know I’m as worthless as I am so they don’t know how mad they should be at me.

It’s so funny. How people trying to bring me up only makes me spiral like this.

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Man, I’m really disappointed at how wasted today was. I made myself go out yesterday to hang with a friend because I haven’t been anywhere but home and work for awhile. I thought it would help me cheer up and shit, and it did, for like the first hour. And then I started getting frustrated. She’s my oldest friend and I know I won’t ever be able to bring myself to drop her, but i seriously can’t stand the way she treats me sometimes.

It’s been years, and she still deadnames me and uses the wrong pronouns. Every time she’s sorry and uses some excuse. Ah yes, you aren’t used to it, even though its been 4 years. I wouldn’t even care about the name thing if she would just gender me properly. It feels intentional sometimes, she refers to me as this girl so often and I don’t get it.

She gets pushy and pouty when she doesn’t get her way, it was 10 and she got upset that I wanted to wait to read her fan fiction because in the morning.

We made mac n cheese for lunch AND SHE GOT MAD THAT I MEASURED THE AMOUNT OF MILK WE USED BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO DO IT BY SIGHT.

And I can’t even begin to start on how she minimizes all the things I talk to her about, or she immediately goes to one upping.

She has a childish attitude she never drops no matter the occasion.

I don’t mind taking care of her sometimes but she’s gotten fucking bold with the things she says and does.

I’m nothing but a thing to come to for comfort. Anything else is inconvenient.

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My little sister is pissed at me because I had a bad day :PP

And she didn’t like how I was fake laughing and smiling while talking to her. Cause it wasn’t enough. She’s mad that my negative vibe is ruining her good day.

Sorry, I wasn’t aware I wasn’t allowed to have emotions around you (even though I was already trying to cover them up for you). For someone who’s had the worst treatment from our mom you sure do act a lot like her.

I wasn’t even forcing them on her, she asked how my day was and I told her I rather not talk about it. She gets pissed when I don’t tell her things but when I do she always belittles me and my issues. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with her.

Shes my baby sister. She’s my neurotypical sister. She doesn’t understand when I tell her things, she doesn’t want to understand. To her I’m lazy and stupid, because I didn’t go to normal schools. Because I didn’t do super well in school despite being given “so much support” even though I was completely unmedicated throughout school until my last year. My support was a few extended due dates and therapy.

Which she also judges me for. She hates when I stim, she hates my sensory issues, she hates everything I do that isn’t normal. She hates that I’m mentally unwell. I understand that she might hate them because my shitty grandma told her to be nice to me because “Nana has more issues then you” (Nana is one of my nicknames) which ISNT TRUE. Our sister has so many issues, she refuses to acknowledge because she doesn’t want to be unwell. She wants to be normal, she’s horrified of being an “attention seeker” (which she used to call me when we where younger before I got my official diagnosis) but even so THAT DOSENT GIVE ANYONE THE RIGHT TO OVERSHADOW HER TROUBLES.

She’s been abused by our mother the most, she has an ED (that she refuses to acknowledge is an ED, she tries to stay under 300 calories a day) she has severe social anxiety and anxiety in general, she feels like she can’t feel bad about having had people be racist to her because she’s white passing. She has talked to me on several occasions and mentioned wanting to kill herself. But she’s fine, she’s okay. No matter how much I try and convince her to get help or let me help.

But I’m her dumb sibling. The dumb sibling that she resents because of how we were treated differently. Because she’s held to a higher standard then me. She works really hard in school and does well, and she hates that I didn’t.

She hates me, so much. She hates the way I walk, she hates the way I chew, she hated the way I talk, she hates the things I like, she hates how I act on my medication but she also hates the way I am when I’m off it.

She loves me still and I know it, but she hates me more. She’s never said she hates me directly. But I know it.

I’ve told her I hate her before, in arguments, and I regret it. I apologize but it doesn’t make it right, I know its very bad that I did it, I don’t anymore, and I haven’t in awhile.

I tell her I love her and I do my best to care for her, I clean her room for her when she doesn’t have the time, and when she does have the time I help her clean it, I cook for her, and I check on her often. And I respect her boundaries as much as I can, I do hug her sometimes when I forget she doesn’t like hugs. I try and be patient with her when she’s snappy at me for no reason, but I’m not always good at it. And when we argue she doesn’t stop until I’m either crying or lock myself in my room to calm down. And most the time it continues even then until mom comes home.

She gets mad if I ask to talk about it later when we’re both calm, or until I can at least calm down. She doesn’t like when I run away from arguments, even though she never stays on topic. It always turns into her shaming me for not doing enough anymore, or shaming me for things I’ve done in the past.

You know I’ve sworn at her twice on my life and she’ll never let me forget it. She doesn’t let me swear around her because she doesn’t like swear words. She doesn’t like it when our eldest siblings swears around us either (22)

Still. Even if she’s the meanest to me she’s still my sister and my closest one at that. Our whole lives. And she’s never liked me. She is the most consistent thing in my life. She’s always been close. We shared a room most our lives, shared clothes, we where always dressed as a pair growing up. I love all my other siblings just as much but she’s been the closest.

I’ll never be enough for her.

I wish we could just get along, I wish I was normal so she could relate to me. I wish she would rely on me more.

I could never tell her but she spurs on a large chunk of my negative thoughts. I hate myself large part because I’m not good enough for her.

Because of the hurtful things she says.

But I rather fucking die on the spot in the most painful way then ever lose my siblings.

They are the only reason I’m alive, so many points in time I’ve stopped myself because I can’t do that to them. I would hate to traumatize them more.

Like genuinely unless it was to save another person or them I could never do that to them. But also if I ever found reason to think they would do better in life if I where dead I would have very little hesitation to kill myself.

I really really can’t live without them. But it hurts so much to be around her sometimes.

This is a super unorganized vent. My apologies.

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I am feeling better, I don’t think they’re upset with me, but I still should’ve done better.

I’ve also eat like half a thing of honey, had a cup of tea and am going to make myself some soup, so that contributes to my current joy.

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Feeling like scum rn.

I should’ve done better.

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I need to start taking my meds consistently again.

I’m letting myself become an anxious mess

But I already know they’re gonna be taking me off the only ones that work properly for me, because none of my anti depressants are working, and there isn’t much else that they can put me on while still having me in my current meds.

Im scared because I know I’m gonna have to start over from zero again. So I just stopped taking all of them. Idk why truth be told, I just stopped, cause what’s the point.

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Hhhhh I should like, just be able to solve all my friends problems.

I think that should just be a thing I can do.

I don’t think my friends should be sad, upset or displeased. Like, ever.

Bullshit that I can’t always find the right thing to say to make them feel better.

Even more bullshit that I risk the chance of saying the wrong thing and making things worse.

Nothing makes me feel more like a piece of shit than failing my friends like that.

I wish this was a joke, but I genuinely feel responsible for everything in my friends lives. The amount of self control (More like lack of money, I have no actual self control and I know it) it takes to not just impulsively buy plane tickets so I can visit and just get rid of the things that make them sad.

But like it’s not like I’m this extreme with all my friends, most of my friends are really just acquaintances. I struggle so much with feeling genuinely connected to people, but when I do, I get so attached. I know I shouldn’t but as of now, the well being of my three closed humans dictates my entire day. I feel the constant need to check up on them and make sure they’re okay. The constant need to gain their approval.

I’m fully aware it’s very unhealthy, but I can’t help it. But idk I want my friends to feel cared for. I really want them to know I’d go to the moon and back for them.

But also I worry super often that I’m being too much, but then I worry that they’ll think I don’t like them if I’m not constantly bugging them.

Even though I want them to trust me, I can never really trust them fully when they say I’m not annoying them, but I don’t wanna constantly ask for reassurance. I don’t wanna become a burden. I’d be happy just knowing my friends where doing well even if it meant ignoring my own mental state.

Idk, this is all brought on because I was trying to comfort a friend, when I think they kinda just needed me to listen. And I feel so bad for not realizing they just needed to vent and didn’t need my input. I feel like an ass for probably stressing them out more. And now I’m not sure if I should give them space or if I should continue as normal. I don’t want them to second guess themselves or think it’s not okay to talk to me about things.

I want nothing more then to make my friends comfortable.

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Fuck man, it’s been so long sense it’s been this bad.

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Therapy is expensive, tumblr is free. So I’m probably gonna dumb all my issues here, and hopefully never be found by anyone who knows me:

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Love my family so much rn

#/sarcasm

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Shhhh