of-lace-and-lavender

[of-lace-and-lavender]

bodies conversing

my leg presses against yours: this here is where our bodies meet, filled with fear and doubt and self-loathing, and searching for danger in every touch. they are not used to this: to safety and calm and feeling comfortable, but bravely do they venture on into the warmth. they are scared of the fire, and have been frozen as long as they remember. now they’re thawing, afraid of losing themselves, of breaking and melting into a vulnerable puddle that can never be put back into shape.

slowly my hand traces down your chest and through my caress waves of anxiety meet the chaos reigning your mind and somehow these bodies create stillness where stillness shouldn’t be.

we’ve not magically been made anew: sometimes, you have to run away. sometimes, I can’t fall asleep touching you. i hug you and you tense up, your heart starts racing. your hand finds my waist, and my mind spins in circles, thinking that any moment the reality of my form will catch up with us and disappointment and disgust will break this illusion we’ve found ourselves in.   these bodies house our anxieties and carry their weight, our past engraved in our flesh. yet they are not beholden to them: they work their gravity, and we are pulled back into each other’s arms, despite it all. we want so desperately to be here.

my fingers melt into your skin, find a home in the soft curve of your waist, this here is where our bodies speak. they have this in common: to be so very different from who we are – who we feel we are meant to be. a young creature trapped in the body of a man, a man trapped in the body of a frightened girl: burdened by the meaning others will prescribe to them, caught in how they are perceived, weighed down by expectations that cut into skin. you cannot bear to see your body, and I cannot bear my body to be seen. somewhere along the lines, we’ve found a truce in steady grips and scratching nails and loving bites, in me pulling you in, brushing you gently, holding you close, in your ragged breaths and desperate twitching and your hand guiding mine.

we are struggling along in the dark, catching glimpses, stealing touches, exploring who we could be - these are the things that cannot happen in the light.

// l.y.l.

#oh so very queer #poetry #prose #mod lavender

[of-lace-and-lavender]

When people talk to me And I don't want it I don't want to disappear I want to grow sharp teeth With saliva strings extending From my open, snarling mouth I want my eyes to become red For my pupils to be consumed And be so hostile people step away I want people to have chattering teeth As their mouths close out of fear Of me lunging to rip out their vocal cords With my fangs and claws Should they make a sound I want the prickling under my skin My rage, born from the parts of me That love me most To manifest as spikes along my spine Ripping my clothing to tatters and shreds I want the racing of my heart My anxiety, the dread filling my lungs To turn into fire that ignites in my throat Keeping people away For fear of being burned I want to be frightening Repulsive A monster, an omen A warning A sign to flee I want to be dangerous And alone

#a poem about people talking to me when i’m not receptive to being talked to #poetry #mod lace

[of-lace-and-lavender]

There is something to be said About the ground Where mint and blackberry grow. There need not be a perfect Amount of rainfall. Or sunlight or space. There is a need, deep down, An insatiability With the very DNA of mint and blackberry There is nothing quite so sweet As the smell of mint and blackberry Intertwined and entangled There is something to be said About me and you Loving as the mint and blackberry grow.

#oh so very queer #The Earth #mod lace #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

Violence of the Loving The fiercest violence comes from desperation A man with nothing to lose is the most dangerous? Nonsense I am not soft with my blade because I have you  My sword is a wretched thing But I care for it I keep it sharp for you I doubt I can be holy with the destruction my hands have wrought Until I look at you I do not waver I cannot fail I will wash the blood from my hands My clothes, my sword So that I can hold you You never wanted this for me, I know But I won’t let the empty man harm you

#oh so very queer #mod lace #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

I point out the swans that swim together Perhaps to make you coo Or laugh Or to hear a comment about how swans are, “-actually quite mean, did you know?” I don’t care which I don’t care if there is nothing Because I love having you by my side Just as much as I love your voice And perhaps the real reason I point out the swans That are going around each other in circles Is to remind you that I am thinking of you Even as you are by my side And maybe in days we are apart I will come back To take a picture of the admittedly vicious swans And send it to you Because I want you to know  That I am always thinking of you

#oh so very queer #mod lace #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

The candle burns low, my love  Flames flicker across your brow The bridge of your nose The light gets caught in your hair I don’t need the candle to see We have lightbulbs that work We have phone flashlights And if I were smarter, I would be asleep So in what feels like the blink of an eye I would have the sun But I like the candle It is soft and warm It dances It reminds me of you, I think While the world feels stagnant  Feels stifling, feels ephemeral Feels untouchable I can see you dancing I can see you, soft and warm

#yearning #mod lace #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

Do you feel the moon Seeping into your skin Do you feel it spreading Climbing into your bones Filling them with a crystal lattice Sharp and fragmented Beautiful and delicate There is a grace To the shattered glass Taking up the space meant for marrow There is a love in the way The moon gifts people this sickness For a parasite must love its host And love its parent And so the moon gives And so our bones become caverns Of trapped and refracted moonlight

#the moon #mod lace #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

oh little wanderling where do you go? your garden is barren no longer will it grow oh little wanderling how burdened you are only misery follow no matter how far oh little wanderling what shall you do? with shadows a creeping and following you

#a creepy little song sung by a porcelain child #mod lace #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

and yet, a gentle lover at times, soft drops and warm winds ever so carefully brushing my tears and promising comfort and letting me know that I am cared for

beloved rain, this here my thanks // l.y.l.

#the rain #mod lavender #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

my lover is rough and wild and without obligation, for he does not care for my wishes and longings, he calls me, never the other way round, and when he calls i will follow without hesitation i offer myself he wraps his cold arms around me, whispers sweet words, deep and unintelligible into my ears, caressing my hair and tucking my sleeves with a million little fingers that long for my skin the cold seeps into me, as he seeps into me, and i can feel him becoming part of me, the sharp, loving touch breathing life into my lungs, my heart, my body, my soul and then, without warning, he leaves. or more and more often: i leave, for i cannot stand his touch any longer, cannot endure his chilling embrace, overwhelmed and in awe and knowing that i am small in comparison and still his traces, the memory of his touch are felt in my bones and my wet hair, his arms, hiding in the fibres of my dress, hugging me tight, and the cold of my skin the warmest remnant of his love

beloved rain, this here my yearning // l.y.l.

#the rain #yearning #oh so very queer #mod lavender #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

cool rays, subtle rays a light speaking of the day gone by, a memory

the moon // l.y.l.

#the moon #mod lavender #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

there are two solutions to this question:         a) i will punch you in the face, your harmful words one too many         b) i will kiss you

in the space between our bodies waiting and our fingers brushing against each other as cigarettes are passed           - we hold room for both potential unasked for // l.y.l.

#oh so very queer #yearning #mod lavender #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

she is bound to the sea as i’m bound to the word  in that way we are similar, committed, captured, consumed by something far beyond our control as i desperately try to be heard, she’s drowning herself in alcohol are you hiding from something? or are you preparing yourself for the embrace of the sea i will not be her judge for i too yearn for the depths and as i recite lines about life and pretty lies my eyes linger on her just a moment too long dark hair like the night falling over the world, eyes like deep waters with the same force as a wave crashing down on a ship she slams down the mug, demanding of more she a sailor, i a poet, two people so different i dare not dream and yet in this space, when ever so often she returns home fate saw fit to throw us together  dreams of quinn // a.h.s

#allen hugh storm #oh so very queer #mod lavender #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

the world like a dream,  and her voice the sweetest thing i’m listening, oh love, i’m listening fill my lungs with air so precious, touch my heart in passing let me long for you and serve you let me love you, let me miss you you, Goddess of the Song, Voice of the Mountain, tell me where to go, bless me with direction halt my feet and lead my way you, Goddess of the Mountain, Mistress of Song fill my ears with music  and never let me go

in streets like mazes, you gave me purpose // a.h.s.

#goddess of the song of the mountain #allen hugh storm #mod lavender #poetry

[of-lace-and-lavender]

it’s for those little moments that holding on is worth your time. for those moments in which it becomes clear that falling into bed, utterly exhausted, into dreamless sleep, adrift through the night until morning sunlight kisses you awake, was worth it that the ache in your bones and the strain in your back and the countless hours you’ve spent failing were worth it because you have spent that time in honour and celebration. you were pushing yourself, and maybe having your eyes fixed on the goal put you out of reach, your body a static noise unable to get through, and only now finally able to catch up, communicating the stress you’ve put it under through pain, but at least you had something to keep you going, there will always be something that you love and live in love of  and will gladly push for just a little more.

the things you hold onto when everything grows quiet // l.y.l

#the people #mod lavender #poetry #technically an allen hugh storm poem but really its one of mine #allen hugh storm

[of-lace-and-lavender]

god i never feel more like poetry than when i feel my own skin beneath my shirt

#snippets of prose #mod lace #prose

[of-lace-and-lavender]

for you dear nothing is too extravagant not when i would set fire to the moon and kidnap all the stars if you asked

#oh so very queer #mod lace #poetry