olilemon

[olilemon]

I hate being poor so much I just want to be able to afford the things I need like new clothes and chiropractor appointments and taking time off work more often I hate this and I hate myself for not just getting a second job in Seattle even though I've known I needed one for months and I'm rambling but fuck! I am doing so bad

#today was payday and I didn't make enough to cover my rent and next paycheck is gonna be even smaller because I'm taking so much time off #for camp #I can't afford to live on this #and somehow even with all my mom has stolen from my bank account I still owe her money

[olilemon]

Sometimes I forget that I deserve to be making more? Like above a living wage enough to not have to check my bank account before buying ice cream

#I hate myself

[olilemon]

I am So Queer for so many of my coworkers but also as far as I know I am the only one who is trans here so that's not ideal

#they're all so beautiful #okay like probably a quarter of them but there's like 100 employees and I'm SO GAY #wannafuck my coworkers Actual Captain America and Nacho #for context my manager is named Steven Rodgers and another coworker of mine is named ignacio and goes by Nacho as a nickname #I'm not just spouting shit #also like partially just wanna fuck an mostly just wanna have a polyamorous relationship with like 15 of my coworkers #that's probably definitely not gonna happen but like #this bit h queer

[olilemon]

Lmao and here I was thinking I would never get over you but I only think of you anymore when I see your name

[olilemon]

I know it was my fault I know it was my fault I know it was my fault I know it is my fault it's all my fault

[olilemon]

I don't remember the feeling of being held by another person

[olilemon]

If I am gone by the end of the month I promise you it is not your fault

#I'm not okay

[olilemon]

I know I'm not enough stop reminding me I know I'm never going to be enough

[olilemon]

No offense but why does my brain insist on having my trauma on repeat all day every day Like it's not even necessarily triggering anymore since it's been a constant for so many years but I'd like to change the channel please

#like if you read

[olilemon]

my mom threatening me with impending homelessness is a recurring theme in my life and I wish I was dead :)

[olilemon]

I feel so invalid doing self diagnosis even though I'm never going to tell a doctor the extent of all my problems I feel like I'm taking up space in a marginalized community of people who have it worse than me and faking my illnesses

#it doesn't matter if I fit the diagnosis perfectly

[olilemon]

Every time I see someone I love being mistreated I can't help but wonder if I ever hurt them like that

[olilemon]

It hurts so much that you always saw me as temporary but I'm healing now I'll be okay and I'm ready to find someone who won't see me as a stressor in their life

#passive aggressive much Jesus Christ self

[olilemon]

I’m trying to keep my mind off the election but I’m so scared im scared for my life and in scared for the lives of my friends and I know suicide rates are going to spike if he wins fuck I hope it doesn’t include the ones I love

#like if you read pls

[olilemon]

It's that time of night again gonna fill my bod with poison until I pass out

#guess who's probably gonna have a relapse on their drinking problem it's me

[olilemon]

I wish I wasn't too scared of what comes after

#this is about suicide

[olilemon]

I feel so unattractive and unwanted and I have nobody to blame but myself