outlying-hyppocrate

[outlying-hyppocrate]

i'm not even sure how to say this.

last night, after finishing another shitty kids' show and considering whether to watch blue period, i looked at my reflection in the glass of the window and came to a realization. i had found myself again. i had finally figured out that i don't need to starve myself and pay attention to every calorie there is to be happy with myself. the same sort of cycle has repeated itself since 2022. around april-may-june, i become this happy person who seems to have rediscovered himself, all unearned self-confidence and no common sense. near september-october-november, i am not. i am pathetic and sad and deeply insecure. i am subhuman. i consider harming myself. i consider starving myself. every single time i set the same numbered goal in weight and try to get closer to it. but the switch has finally flipped. i don't need that anymore. all i am is purely a person. i need to keep these months close to me while i have them. i am going to laugh and create and spend time with all of you and enjoy every second. it's going to be okay. it will be okay.

(following writing this, i watched the first four episodes of blue period and then went upstairs at a quarter past midnight, shirtlessly whispering "i am an artist" twelve times in the mirror. i then fell asleep to mad fantasies of lying on a canvas twice my size and emptying the contents of my stomach onto it as an alternative to paint. this should be a thing that scares me and yet it is not.)

#random thoughts #will regret posting this. #i prewrote this last night when i was feeling particularly optimistic. but. it isn't so simple #of course i still feel. the same sort of way. i only really started properly counting this year #so the numbers are taped to the inside of my brain forever. wherever i go #and the thing is. i feel like i don't really want to stop. not really. i used to do it just for the numbers at first #but also. #well. now is different. so. #i will not be explaining myself to you further. #actually this is the first time i am. saying something like this. properly. instead of thinly veiled in my stupid poetry #i have talked to so many myselves about this. and a hedge. #and i've been considering telling you but i don't know how. #no. more. procrastination. this is it. #may or may not disappear following posting this because i am scared. goodbye.

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okay. should i play bitlife. and draw it.

#random thoughts #i considered doing this and then did not. amd spent the entire day in bed.

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reddit weighing in with the heavy hitting discussion points about the new dwarf fortress update

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a collection

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the circus was in town that day 🤡

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D:

I SAW A WINTER DAHLIA IN THE MIDDLE OF MY GARDEN

!! SHOW !!

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had a dream that someone was taking pictures of me from my window so for the five hours following i slept fitfully with my head underneath the covers so i wouldn't be found

#random thoughts #it was very realistic.

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i still think about "aye moira am oan the protein" way too often

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everyone who reblogs this post gets a free cara maidgirl :3

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<12121212121212 [:<

<12121212121212

<12121212121212 !! :3

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I SAW A WINTER DAHLIA IN THE MIDDLE OF MY GARDEN

!! SHOW !!

#random asks

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I FUCKING LOVE MY BOYFRIEND.

#random thoughts #i am very often sad throughout the day but then i am reminded of you.. gentle ciel.. and i cannot help but smile #my love for you makes me so incredibly stupid. and i love it. i love you. !! #yesterday i talked to a hedge outside and imagined it was you and i told you everything. then someone saw me and. well. #you are so important to me and i am so proud of you for every day you live. #my beloved.. my darling.. angel lovely. [:

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here i sit on my bed barefoot, having finished both a text conversation with my father and john green's the fault in our stars for the second time this year, cursing the existence of calories and listening to a playlist i have no memory of making.

#random thoughts #there is so much melanie in here.