purrxtina43

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Who are you?

I look forward to when we meet <3

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Day 2

Day 2 of getting back into writing. I have been extremely bored and depressed. I need to find a healthy way to cope instead of my normal coping strategies. Like black out drinking. Which I have been alcohol free for 11 months now! YAY! It’s crazy how fast and slow it’s gone at the same time. I miss the taste of drinks sometimes but honestly a mocktail is pretty damn good for me to substitute. I medicate with marijuana as well which is I guess not really recommended for people with my disorders. I just dont give a shit. I know this is going to sound horrible and whatever but I just really do not think I could go through life not being on meds and not smoking cannabis. Being completely sober for life. No. I wish. I feel like Id have to go to the gym every single day in order to keep up with that or multiple times a day. I think i have a very addictive type of personality. i always like to take it one extra step past whats recommended. smh. Sometimes being so self aware...doesnt help when it doesnt help you solve the problem or you cant seem to find the ways to solve these issues that are causing you so much pain. I think ive always liked writing cause I know no one reads it. So I can write without feeling judged and in my mind I feel judged allllll day long so..it’s one thing I can do and not think about. Just let the words fill the page and I almost always feel better after getting whatever I needed to get off my chest. 

I already have to start preparing my child and I for the day. It’s about 6:30 am. Enjoying my morning coffee while making sure my daughters bookbag is packed and that my stuff is packed for work including snacks. 

Right now I’m listening to a podcast by Brene Brown. Idk what it’s called but I love Brene Brown. Dax Sheppard is on this episode which is great. I really like Dax as well. 

I have to start reading at work. I keep bringing books. I can read online and still ‘I’m sitting there bored on amazon for eight hours haha 

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same though

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I have no idea how to use this site anymore. It’s been a really long time since I’ve written and I feel like it will be so therapeutic to write and the fact that I know no one reads my blog makes me feel even better haha I can write more freely and just write about whatever goes on in this strange brain of mine.

So whats on my mind tonight that is keeping me up...I have been triggered lately by a few things that have to do with trauma I’ve experienced but literally have never done the work to heal it. Not because I wouldnt do it but because I didnt know how to heal from it. I thought I was healing from it by burying it down and moving forward. My first relationship really fucked me up and apparently it’s time to talk about it. We loved each other very much. He was my first love and I thought he was the coolest guy ever and I loved that he didnt care what other people thought of him because I always cared about what everyone thought of me...all the time. That relationship was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. Years of being verbally abused when he would go back to doing drugs secretly. Years of him harassing me saying i threatened his daughter when I did no such thing. years of being told he could find you at any time. No support from my family. no surprise there. Honestly I kind of get it..my grandfather was dying a slow terrible death in the Dominican Republic. The way this guy,,,affected my self esteem is just...mind blowing. I think he wanted me to believe that we were on the same level but we weren’t. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I was completely innocent in that relationship. I was really messed up back then too. My mental illness was running rampant and I had no idea..but does making mistakes in relationship and in life excuse verbal abuse? His words have stayed with me throughout the years. It’s very easy to remember the horrible things he said. It’s taken me a really long time to not feel bad for him as strange as it sounds. He knew me so well like the darkest things and the best things. So for him to tell me what a piece of shit hoe I am...really has been hard to get out of my head. This year I let him go. The trauma work still needs to be done but I ended contact a while ago and I’m praying that its the last time. I feel like it is but I hate how with him..it’s just unpredictable but I hear he has a girlfriend so maybe he really has moved on and will leave me alone. I personally am fine if we never speak again. I dont want to wish him anything bad. I just personally would like to never hear from him again. There were times during the pandemic where..my anxiety started getting paralyzing again. It’s still quite hard for me to leave the house. I feel like im being judged from the moment I step out the door. For a while I was having trouble feeling safe outside of my house and I feel like it’s happening again but this time it’s not because I’m afraid of him. I used to get scared going to empty the garbage or taking my daughter to the park by myself. Now..I dont feel the fear of him every day showing up. Although I realize anything is possible especially based on recent events that have been triggering. I think the pain surrounding this past relationship...is probably deep and the wound is still open and buried behind the surface but this time I’m finally ready to face the pain and start working on healing. I wish i had known that I could have started to work on this a long time ago but everything also happens when it’s supposed to. 

I’ve always known that I wasn’t “normal”. As a kid I would stress and get anxiety about taking the bus everyday to school and finding the bus at the end of the day. That anxiety is still around to this day. I struggle with public transportation, driving, daily life. Breathing lol It’s an everyday struggle that some people close to me wont be able to understand. I try really hard to push through it but it’s become paralyzing. my world is very small. I can drive to work, to my daughters school and back home. Mind you thats all incredibly close driving wise but even so i still wake up with the dread/anxiety of having to drive in the morning and having to pick up my daughter either after work or go home first but when i go home first, I usually dont want to leave the house again or if i go pick her up ill take a walk to do it. partially to escape and partially cause I sit at a desk all day so my body is just tired and I want to be more active still. Just lately Ive been feeling a bit depressed again and I’m always exhausted...I think thats all I have to share for now. I’ll do a bit of writing probably later or tomorrow. xo

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imagine having snow days with your girlfriend. running, laughing and smiling as you guys throw snowballs at each other, falling down in the snow together and turning your heads to look into each other's eyes as you make snow angels, sledding down winter stricken hills together, building a snowman together and giving him a jellybean smile. you end the day together holding hands through your mittens as you make your way home, pleasantly exhausted as you tare off your heavy winter attire. with a gentle kiss, you cuddle up to your girlfriend next to a warm fire in the fireplace, a mug of hot chocolate in your hand. everything is perfect.

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This made me smile 💗

September 2020 Illustrations ヽ(• ‿ •)ノ

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MENTAL HEALTH DIALOGUE IDEAS

Today (October 10th) is World Mental Health Day so here are some things that a character can say to another character who is struggling with mental illness:

“you can talk to me about anything”

“I don’t understand but I believe you”

“I’ll stay with you as long as you need me to”

“take a deep breath”

“do you want me to give you advice or do you just want me to listen?”

“you don’t have to go through this alone”

“I’ll check on you again tomorrow”

“you’re not broken”

“let’s take a five minute break”

“I love you no matter what your brain tells you”

“I’m always here if you need anything”

“please don’t talk that way about yourself”

“let me know if you ever need a ride to therapy”

“don’t forget to take your medication”

“it’s okay to ask for help”

“I’ll go with you for moral support”

“I don’t know how to help you but I can help you find someone who does”

“do you want to talk about it or would you like a distraction?”

“you’re safe”

“there is always hope”

(NOTE: Please be respectful and considerate when including mental illnesses in your writing. If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental illness, don’t be afraid to ask for help.)

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Anxiety Doesn’t Knock First

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