ram-de

[ram-de]

festering

i think i said some stuff i didn't mean last post. something about resentment. i... i don't. at all. annoyed, at times, maybe. but not to the point of resentment. even yearning for acceptance would suit how i felt better, i guess. last week, i wasn't in a really good headspace (when will i be to be fair), i buried like three kittens, while everybody else seems, well, relatively unfazed. they were all sick. worms. we were not good pet caretakers. i only visited my parents home weekly, and even then i couldn't really put all my attention to the felines.

that resentment being i felt angry. angry that others would show pity on me, ask me how the kitten was, even though they were dying. and there's nothing i can do. nothing. it was too late. the vet was closed due to national holidays. and it felt like being bashed to my head. what am i expected to do? watch them one by one dying and then bury them myself? it was painful the first time around. it was painful the second time around. it was painful the third time around. and i was too selfish to even allow myself to had a fourth time so i left that day. i'm a coward. irresponsible. but it was too much.

and in retrospect... all of this wouldn't happen if i communicate properly. "i'm grieving, please don't ask me." or "i can't bury them again". it was irresponsible. and selfish. i know. i know. if only we were better at taking care of living beings, it wouldn't happen in the first place.

man. fuck me. i'm guilty of it, i know. but hearing to the cats whimpering, and imagining how cold they are, how hungry they are yet they couldn't digest and kept vomiting, how helpless. when merely days ago they were playing around. it was too much. i'm selfish.

#ramblingrams

[ram-de]

broken radio

how many times am i gonna keep spouting the same old, same old, i wonder. i put a lot of important to-dos on the back of my head, piling up, i shove all the worries and responsible sadness under my bed, so that i can sleep on it and start a new day fresh.

fresh, with no burden. with no goal or purpose. just doing the day as if everyone wasn't growing and moving forward. the earth may seem like it's doing the same routing of orbiting the sun for light and greeting the night for rest, but even so it's ever-moving to propel life that it contains. one of those which is stagnant and unchanging.

i'm losing any sense of urgency, and at this point i'm an expert at telling myself that everything is okay. being alone is okay, because i can always manage it one way or another. unable to meet my goal today is okay, because there's always tomorrow. not yet graduating this year is okay, because everyone is understanding and i'm struggling with troubles i don't even have the name of.

i keep attributing my flaw and mistakes to situation, diagnosing myself with traits i couldn't even confirm, clinging onto such, feeling faux solidarity with millions of those who felt the same around the world through the net, and yet that doesn't change the fact that i'm still alone. alone. alone. and it's not going to change because i kept myself shut off. shut myself off. shut my efforts off. shut my hopes off. shut everything around me. shutting myself down. shut.

fuck reflecting on myself. it does wonders. i'm too fucking prideful to ask for help. just what could i do? go out? i have some issues with self-image. with purpose. even my own principle. i want to be faithful to faith, but i stray away a lot. i want to accept myself, but i can't never be anything. i'm a fucking adult, i should act like one, damn it. adult have problems, and it's fucking lonely shouldering it all on my own.

i can't tell my family i'm gay because they're religious and i've heard how my mom attends sermons about queer people, i've heard my dad listens to an online video about how gay people should beheaded, i've seen my lil bro with a book about how queer people are a plague, said book given by my sister, and another sister... i don't know, actually. the thing is they love me, and i feel that warmth. i just wonder if love is conditional and they wouldn't like me as much if they knew.

why is that a problem, anyway? i've accepted that i won't ever marry or date. so by proxy i shouldn't have to come out either way. isn't that kind of depressing? what else do i have in the future, then? my direction of life which i'm already messing up at the current point. i guess it's just, it's a looming thing over my head. i never knew when i'd have to face it. because keeping it to myself seems suffocating. but they're all that i have. i'd be devastated. but also i'm distancing myself to family, because of what? i fucking hate it that i'm building resentment because they couldn't accept queer people. even though i'm not in a community or anything, i felt like i was a part of it, so i got hurt of it.

i'm building resentment. that's a new thing, i think. that's a bad thing, also. but this resentment is misguided. it's not something i should actually guide to anything. i'm frustrated, at times. it's so easy to pour emotions like these at times, but it's also a bother. it's painful to be reminded of my failure and inabilities to face life heads on.

there's also the issue of appearance. i said that it couldn't be helped if my head deteriorate, but i felt bothered by it either way. it's messing up with me. even though i don't even go out a lot to meet people. it's just.

there's also the issue of social skills. it sucks. and i never knew or learned how to. pandemic. avoidance issues. anxiety. self-validation that i'm human to have that, and that it's okay to feel that, but i forgot to push myself to learn and face it all the same. i wasn't used to... try and experience and fail. i coddle myself a lot, as if other people didn't put the work to be social. sure, some is better at others but it's a skill. it's a learned thing. and i'm a fucking adult struggling with small talk and friendship. how fucked up am i for the future?

there's the issue of commitment. there's the issue of careers. there's the issue of envy and jealousy. there's the issue of distraction as a coping mechanism... fuck! i talk a lot about issue. it's piling up. it's too much. i talk as if i knew things. i talk like i am psychoanalyzing myself. i don't know shit! i don't know anything! so what else can i do?! why can't i get myself to just work on it and fix myself up?!?!?! broken stuff get fixed! even perfectly fine stuff have maintenance service sometimes! it doesn't matter, fucking do something. anything.

------

did you notice that it's been almost exactly a month before my last post? and the post before that? FUCKING HELL. it's a pattern! it's a pattern that you should notice by now! WORK ON SOMETHING, i beg.

#ramblingrams

[ram-de]

what else do you seek for?

i feel like puking. doing. it's the same everyday. it's the same everyday. it's the same everyday. the same routine, the same kind of food, the same kind of sin and the same kind of reluctance. the same kind of "tomorrows", the same kind of "it's okay", the same kind of stagnancy. the same kind of regrets and the same kind of ignorance.

it's too much and it's too little at the same time. it's confusing me but yet it's not surprising at this point. everything. everything seems so mundane and seems so distant. too far to reach, too far to see, too far to believe. i don't believe. i don't even know what i'm clinging to. i don't know what is my lifeline is. i don't know what i'm doing with myself.

i'm not even scared. because i deserve whatever consequences i would face. it's worthless to think of the future because i'm messing it up as of now. because i can't do salvation. because i don't do fixing up.

words are useless. words are meaningless. they're just letters on paper. they're just letters on the screen. they're just things my mind made up to make myself feel better. words are powerless without an ounce of beliefs. without an ounce of trust. without an ounce of will. words are simply, simply just ideas that poured.

how long since you cried? too long. it doesn't even have an impact on actual reflection. they're just wept of someone who doesn't know what else to do. a cries to the void. tears that worth absolutely nothing for the future.

how long since you felt fulfilled? too long. you let yourself see hope. feel the hope. but you wouldn't cling to it. you wouldn't let yourself climb onto whatever hope is presenting you up there. because you don't believe. you don't trust. you're just. what are you? what am i?

what the hell am i seeking for in this life?

i want to. i want to.

ha! who am i even trying to impress? don't fucking lie to your own self. you don't even know what you want to. and that's so miserable. you don't know and yet you don't try to seek. you don't try to heal. you don't allow for ideas. you don't allow for reflection. you try to reflect, writing what's wrong but you. don't. even. think of fixing it. you just let those words rust and corroded by time. by your own lack of care. by your own ignorance of neglecting those words of reflections. you shed all the tears, of wishing to be better, but once that tears made a puddle, you don't bother weeping it up. you let it dry until the next time you had to cry again.

what. what am i?

what am i doing?

what am i seeking for?

who am i.

who.

i''m not having an existantial crisis or anything. it's nothing like that. it's just. i'm so angry with myself, but at the same time i'm just whatever. it's so fucking frustating being on this point again and again and again and again. and the some times my fucking brains took pity on me and began reminding me of how miserable i am. how i am lacking in friends and probably going to have trouble making friends and being a good friend and would die alone. and then i cry and forget and distract myself. and then my mind would remind me of how i kept neglecting responsibilities. and then i would cry and do nothing about it. or my mind would remind me of how i have nothing. of how i kept messing things up. of how i'm not doing anything. while the world rotates and revolves, while the sun was beaming light and warmth, while the birds are chirping and while the people are busy polluting the air with cars and motorcycles. life just passes for everyone else, with them making new friends and keeping old ones, some married and other graduates, some made families and other climbing corporates, some do competitions and other pursue their passion. some just hang out and feeling life and others seeking purpose. through religion. through ideology. through politics. through family. through hobbies. through pets and companions. through friendship and through romance. through their own body.

while i'm doing fuck nothing. while i'm rotting away. while i'm fading away. while i'm forgetting myself. while i'm losing myself. in self-pity. in my fragility.

i want to shout. i want to scream and i want to break things. i want to fucking do one thing right. i want to finish an assignment. i want to maybe draw. i want to learn languages. i want to go abroad. i want to made friends. lots of friends. i want to be confident in my body. i want to connect with people and upload photos. i want to read lots of books. i want to kiss someone. i want to have a place i belong to. maybe live on my own and have pets. i want to walk in the morning and feel ok. i want to jogging and light sports. i want to graduate. i want to have a job. i want to fucking live.

and it's just so. this is a cry for help! for my own self. because i've wrote these kind of writings, vents, many numerous times before. but i don't learn! i don't learn a single damned thing! i don't. i don't know! i couldn't even believe i could change. it's in my capacity to mess things up and to return to the same old routine. and it's. it's... i don't know how to convince myself that i could do it. i could. because my own voice. it's not... i could only do much. because when the repeating thoughts of failure and damnation is also occupying my thoughts that tries to cling onto that hope, it's difficult to... believe. but fuck it all! maybe i'm just projecting. maybe it's the books i read to distract myself that affected my thoughts. maybe i don't even feel like this. maybe i'm just dramatizing for this writing posts. i don't fucking know.

i wanted to see myself...

#ramblingrams

[ram-de]

peruse, the nonexistent savior

you spoke loudly of dreams and wonders yet acts without any burden in his back you wouldn't deceive others for bad happenstances yet let it happens to your own living states

you make up all those unpleasant rules of your own be dictated by how you see and perceive the world you restrict your own mind, soul and body be stripped of the wonderful push from struggle and hope

you fell into the circle of devil that you oh-so scared of repulsed by how easy it is to be lied upon and sleep you crave for joy and happiness all those times refused to process all the sorrow and move forward

you, you, you it's always been you you, you, you it's always been me

all these words that i've written, poured my bad clouds within all these emotions that i've sang, shy of being heard all these time that i've spend and wasted, unchanged all these regrets that i've yet to lament and repent

what meaning does it gave? what meaning do i have? what meaning do life asks? what the heck is even this 'meaning' that i've said? is meaning what i've been yearning for all this time? or was it the comfort of myself that i've nurtured?

this space, this secret yet safe space of mine where i vent, where i cry, where i scream of anger through delicate words, this space is an illusion of everything being okay

i'm not okay

i'm wound and scared shitless of actually facing myself i'm ugly and will continue to be uglier but that's not the point, save me it's how i pretend to be blind when faced around consequences of everything that i chose to be, or haven't chosen actively of everything that i allowed myself to be of every notions, every challenging thoughts i let pass and die of every aggression that i hide beneath tears and cries of every dreams that i buried within can't and won't of everything that i came to be of myself

what now?

what will happen?

how will anything happen?

save me, peruse

#rampoetry #ramblingrams

[ram-de]

filth that lament wouldn't ever cleanse

isn't it time for me to take responsibility, self? listen to me. it's been far too long, it's been far too much of hesitation and procrastination that i forgot why i arrived at this state. a state of filth. murky and dirty.

i kept clinging to reasons such as mental health. i kept clinging to reasons such as sorrow and sadness. i kept clinging to reasons, no, not reasons. excuses. excuses are warm and comforting. it's sound telling me i'm going to be alright. it's blanket shrouding me in dozy naps. it's food whenever i am at the edge of the cliff. excuses saved me. but how long until i grew out of it?

whenever i didn't focus on the problem, it's easy. it's light, but when i put myself sitting to think about consequences, the future, the present and the past, i get sad. sadness engulf me. i lament and lament. i cry and cry. i wept and wish everything is better. that life would be better. excuses are devious. because i believed that. just a snap of moments for me to believe, and there i was again. drowning. in false comfort.

but for that moment? it's life. because i'm not suffocating and i could pretend i'm okay. everything is okay. everything is going to be okay. well, of course, until it wasn't. and i had to look up ways to make myself feel better.

i don't want to see the future. because it felt like bleak. i still couldn't come to terms with my body changing. confidence just tearing me apart because it wasn't there. after all, what will i be? i can't fucking talk to save my life. a nuisance. a burden. a no-good for life.

it's funny, because even those insult doesn't feel like the truth. not lies either. it just feels like some decorations to make this entry, this writing, seemed more dramatic more than it was. it doesn't hurt me like it used to. it just words i know doesn't carry the weight of truth. i can talk, not enough to make friends, sure, and i would sweat and worry about whether i'm talking alright or not, but i can talk to people just fine. i'm not a nuisance, because i kept things to myself most of the time. i guess i could be a burden, after all, i'm still dependent. and i know for sure there's some good that i did to warrant me a life, whether it happened yet or not. i don't know. it's just word i felt right to use for the moment. it doesn't hurt me, but knowing it's not truth doesn't lighten me up either. it's just there. word. all of this too, words. detached from how i actually feel.

without distraction. i feel indifferent to most of things. unless the anxiety choke me out, it's just, happening. life is happening and i am not doing anything about it. i'm collecting dust, and i'm growing tired of filth. i am filth.

what else is there to write? i want to feel guilty again. guilty enough for me to move forward, away from this state of filth. i want to feel lonely again. lonely enough for me to be desperate and try reaching out ways for me to connect with people. i want to feel losing again. losing just enough so that i don't take what i have right now by granted.

how can i...? how can i move forward? how can i live properly? how can i tell myself that i'm going to be fine, but also tell myself that i won't be fine if i'm not doing anything to my life? how can i regret and learn? how can i wept and try again?

i don't even want to die. so why can't i just cling onto life like people do? life isn't worthless. life isn't meaningless. life is everything, so why can't i cherish the one life that i had? the one life i have been granted? the one life i had been entrusted?

whenever i felt down enough to write, i always ended up thinking of how my body worked hard to keep me healthy and lively. how my heart pumps blood so many times in a minute. how my eyes worked hard to see and read, and how i paid it no care to how little i sleep. how my bloods flow all over my body to distribute nutrition and to keep me warm. how my limbs moved me to places. how my ears let me listen to the music that i adore. how much of many, different collective effort does it take just to push me to live? and it's a shame i only remembers it when i'm sad. because regardless of whether i am sad or not, this body, a part of me, lived still. and wouldn't the least that i could do is to not take how much they worked for granted?

but i can't even promise myself not to be in this state again. at some point, it just feels like some filth couldn't be cleansed by water alone. atonement couldn't be formed by regret alone. what am i missing, hey?

#pouringrams #ramblingrams

[ram-de]

yule

This is such a whiplash from the depressing ass vent post. but man I was so awkward with my sister's husband (aka bro in law). It was just💀 I know it's because generally I'm awkward with everyone I haven't know, I can comfortably talk without stuttering with my family for example. And for people I meet often (classmate) it's easier. It's just... He's really chill and I don't know how to bounce back the energy...

Like I should just die from the embarassment alone💀 not really of course it's a figure of speech. I was like... Wtf do I talk. I guess on the surface it's because I didn't want to be seen as lame or boring which, in a cruel nature of my life, makes me exactly lame or boring. Why? Because I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Or I'm just overthinking everything. I don't know.

I know we shared some common interest (because my sister told me few of it) but damn I suck at this whole social thing I should die... Not rly ofc but like. Just suck it up and be cringe and free rather than pretending I'm not and lamenting over it. Have some shame!

Anyway. It happened like five minutes ago and time passes and now I'm going to let it pass. Until the next cringe encounters!

fuck j can't delete the image in the mobile app... I'll delete it next time ..

#ramblingrams

[ram-de]

yule

This is such a whiplash from the depressing ass vent post. but man I was so awkward with my sister's husband (aka bro in law). It was just💀 I know it's because generally I'm awkward with everyone I haven't know, I can comfortably talk without stuttering with my family for example. And for people I meet often (classmate) it's easier. It's just... He's really chill and I don't know how to bounce back the energy...

Like I should just die from the embarassment alone💀 not really of course it's a figure of speech. I was like... Wtf do I talk. I guess on the surface it's because I didn't want to be seen as lame or boring which, in a cruel nature of my life, makes me exactly lame or boring. Why? Because I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Or I'm just overthinking everything. I don't know.

I know we shared some common interest (because my sister told me few of it) but damn I suck at this whole social thing I should die... Not rly ofc but like. Just suck it up and be cringe and free rather than pretending I'm not and lamenting over it. Have some shame!

Anyway. It happened like five minutes ago and time passes and now I'm going to let it pass. Until the next cringe encounters!

fuck j can't delete the image in the mobile app... I'll delete it next time ..

#ramblingrams

[ram-de]

segue

I learned a bit about myself today. I learned that in all of my waking life, I always had a constant state. I think I've heard this also in one of my previous counseling with the campus psychologist. An equilibrium. And life being life, there's gotta be ups and downs at times. It's just how life goes, right? Thing is, my equilibrium is barren. It's miserable.

In my ups, I can be so devoted to faith. I prayed and spirited in learning about faith and how I can be better spiritually. It doesn't last for long. It's not long before I returned to my center state.

In my downs, I can be so detached from everything. Eating, self-blaming, suffocating, so miserable I feel I *need* to perish. It doesn't happen often, because just like how it's not long for me to descend from the ups, it's rather easy for me to be taken back to the center line.

But nowadays, it felt like that down became my center line. Not so bad I want to die, but it's just so empty. I hate losing again yet another interests because I can't keep hopping around in distractions, immersed in it for moments before it disinterest me. I hate it. I don't know what else could hook me and I don't want to fall. It's lonely and it's upsetting me.

I hate to revert to self-pity post, but I don't know how else I could shake myself off this state. I've become so sly, so easy to reassure myself that everything is going to be okay. It's not. I've became so clever to evade opening my laptop or writing the daily reflection journal. I know I won't write progress anyway. I hate it. I hate myself right now, and I deserved that. What other excuse am I going to scrap from the barrel this time? Who am I trying to convince?

I kept yearning for closure, because it felt like I have a lot of loose knots inside me. But I don't even know closure to what. Loneliness? Anxiety? Insecurity? I don't know anymore, these tangled mess that I couldn't keep up anymore. I hate looking myself in the mirror, seeing myself withering away. Sometimes I felt like I don't deserve to eat because I haven't done much that day. Other times I feel like I have to eat a lot just so I can prolong doing something. It's confusing.

I'm envious of people's life. And that held me back from being happy for others and for myself. It's unfair that some people have more skills bestowed upon them from birth. It's also unfair for the others that I kepd belittling means of effort that I couldn't see. I don't understand, I only have my life to take care of, why am I spiraling due others that I perceive?

Bet you in hours I'd be doing something to distract myself. Couldn't bring myself to be courageous, could push myself to doing commitments. There's a lot of couldn't and can't, but I'm mistaking them with won'ts. I could and I can, but somehow I would not even if I should have. Agh...

It's scary setting a daily goals because I know I couldn't fulfill them anyway. What the hell am I doing with my life if j couldn't even see myself past the day? I hate myself. Fuck.

#pouringrams #ramblingrams

[ram-de]

out of space

What is the week without the end

No lines separating naps and breaks

No signs that warns steeps or parks

How many days have passed without the start

Never actually began past the line

Never actually led by the sign

What is questions without reasoning

Assuring no man

Assuring nothing

How many hours wasted on faux reflection

Writing and writing

Wishing and wishing

What is life without purpose to hold up

Floating away

Fading away

How many regrets without hands to fix

Useless brain

Useless body

What is today without maps to follow

Remains void

Remains empty

.

Will you forgive me, time

Wasting away in minutes and days

Will you forgive me, body

Rotting slowly in junk on loop

Will you forgive me, faith

Drowning in sin and misery

Will you forgive me, roof

Will you forgive me, light

Will you forgive me, blood

Will you forgive me, life

Will you forgive me, self

.

What is words wtitten without meaning

Recorded yet never being taken to heart

How many poems will appear without changes

Awareness just out of space

#rampoetry

[ram-de]

what does light dream of tomorrow?

when nothing else can reach the corner neither the sound of solemn prayer or the reflection of mishaps taken what does light dream of tomorrow?

memories so precious grasped the soul whole all the what-ifs all the should haves why does light long of the past?

it's not happenstances that occurs timely rather it's all-consuming rather it's everlasting what else does light asks for?

musing in codes, mumbles in shards scrambling for pieces of regrets yet to be found, yet to be made why does light let itself fade?

what does light dream of tomorrow? light dreams, light longs, light asks, and light was, when nothing else can reach the corner, light dreams of dimness near

#rampoetry

[ram-de]

anchor

the same tune is playing, ever on repeat head aching so bad humming the melody losing my sanity when will he ever realize it's his own song?

kept on singing still, ever the clueless voice shrieking cries of help holding his chest tight losing his own fight when will he ever stand and grow a spine?

miserably reaching for a reaching hand, ever the mystery anything he can grasp, anything hoping that my soul won't be lost losing everything but purpose when will he ever not choke on his own words?

a hypocrite's plea for a push, ever the desperate walking life on a loop of hope and misery a quick pause with no responsibility losing time and joy without clarity when will he ever be living and free?

he pleaded

"i need an anchor," "ground me," "take me," "tell me,"

he pleaded

"give me an anchor," "don't make me float," "don't let me be," "don't forget me,"

he pleaded

"i can't be an anchor," "i lost the strength to believe in myself," "i don't know how to lead myself back," "i can't be on my own,"

he pleaded

"please have me be anchored," "oh warm sunlight in the morning," "oh gentle touch of the palm holding things," "oh blood of mine that ever flows," "oh memories of happiness and struggle dear," "oh future that won't tell me the secrets," "oh roof that shelters me in humble," "oh forgotten smiles and jokes shared," "oh clumsy tears in times of dire," "oh heart that beats," "oh life so precious,"

"remind me of such, anchors."

#rampoetry

[ram-de]

[readthrough] foxhole court

Um... I heard this is a young adult book so I began reading it. but the themes it deals with seems so heavy what??? From hints of abuse, violence, identity fraud??? Who tf is Neil running away from. um I thoughts it was just a cute book about made-up sports... So why does this dude have a knife ready to stab his teammate in the ribs😭 HELLO????

The practice session is hell.. sports are hellish enough for the determined... Usually sports in the books I read aren't this detailed, then again that's mostly because I read romance sports not strictly sports book with a sprinkle of romance (I don't think this one is a romance)

noooOOOOO sign of abuse... Foxes are messed up and it's gonna be angsty... Found family please? 🥲 "I'll take care of this, you take care of you."

Andrew is creeping me out😭 I'm sorry why did he keep a knife under his arm at all times

Kevin you rude ass

Not gonna lie the story so far gives off thriller mystery's vibes instead of college sports books. There's a lot of baggage here and there sprinkled with violences

This low-key feels like blue lock... Like the sport is THAT serious. Someone is out here hunting a sports player... Wtf is Riko did in the past... Is he part of the mafia or something... As

He's indeed a part of Japanese mafia I...😭

I dont know if I'm suitable to read this one, please there's just a lot and I'm more of a vanilla guy when it comes to stories... Neil🥲

Matt is a cutie what can I say... I'm excited to meet the girls as well!!!!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE RAGTAGS TEAMS... PURE SHONEN TROPES... everyone is so creative....

Alright. Here's how I will faction the Foxes:

Anger and Chaos: Seth, Andrew, Neil, Allison

Cold and Apathy: Kevin, Aaron, Neil(kinda)

Lively the Sun: Matt, Nicky, Renee, Neil(hopefully soon trust)

Well adjusted: Dan, Neil(he has to be to a degree to survive)

Why is everyone on each others throats damn CHILL it's not that serious...(it is for them) can we just BREATHE... coach wymack why do we even bother.... This is a mess

Neil's first gift🥲😭 I LOVE SUBTLE AFFECTIONS.....

I understand why there's this term "I can fix him." Because, the appeal of it. Ughh okay Andrew... I don't even like possessive tropes WHY DOES THIS ONE WORKS ON ME

Please don't tell me that the gang is spiking Neil's soda... Can one spike a soda? I don't drink so idk.

SEEE... fuck me this gang is shitty. Also fuck Andrew. He's messed up in so many ways he's unsalvageable. WAIT... THEY HAVE BEEN DOING THIS BEFORE? TO OUTSIDERS... 💀

Bro... This is so uncomfortable to read. I don't have the guts to stomache this... I should've read content warnings before reading this book. Nicky is doing outright noncon with that kiss...

Yeah fuck this group actually screw them all. Whatever the reason for this thing is it better be good. I fucking hate it here. thank you COAHCH WYMACK oh my goodness.

Whatever is it with Andrews lunatic loyalty to Kevin doesn't really justify drugging Neil like that and him being harassed??? Hmmm I still haven't seen an apology

Seeing Neil being passed around with the other Foxes is nice to see. Like a montage of how Neil's current dynamic was at this point. Wouldn't be surprised if they made it happen again as a callback. It's cute.

...frankly speaking I didn't like that Neil willingly returned to Columbia with Andrews pack. Dan and Matt was the only sane person in this team... I can understand the whole Columbia outing with the purpose if Andrew want to made sure Neil isn't bringing harm to the group. But then why was Nicky kissing him...?

Overall. I. I really liked the dynamics between characters and how they bounce. this sports shit is SERIOUS. AND YOU WILL DIE! it's like sports shonen manga because the characters are really vibrant... And i like it. (I like haikyuu :g)

And um. Um... Is Seth really dead...? he hasn't even gotten a character arc!!!!!!! He was warming up to Neil, the back clap when Neil scored, and nights bantered along watching movie with Matt. WHAT IS HAPPENIGN

-------------

Screw me I finished all trilogy... I am having brainrot and withdrawal...

#the foxhole court #readingrams

[ram-de]

inflection

isn't it weird that sometimes, there's morning where i suddenly felt oddly nostalgic? it's as if i can have a small sip of memories that overtook some logic in allowing that. because there's days when i was suddenly remembering times at my grandparents house, feeling light, feeling odd.

yesterday morning, it reeks of regret. and regret sucks. and it's a familiar scent, one that i got used to easily.

it's also weird that a the state of the mood i woke up to could decide how the rest of the day goes. it shouldn't be like that. i mean, i shouldn't be like that. i should've tried and went with my day anyway. but how does that go?

not well, that is. i don't know.

aah. what do i do when my own thoughts betrayed me? what do i do when my own words can't be held accountable? who else do i trust? come on, self... come on...

#ramblingrams

[ram-de]

merajut nadi

tumbuh dewasa, banyak hal yang tak aku ketahui melepuh lirih dunia berputar, menempa harap hari berlalu, tak pernah tahu sulitnya temukan asa dalam diri yang hampa kelabu

karena kekosongannya, maka kucari kehidupan namun bukan coretan grafit kaku, bukan pula untaian kata repetitif, entah apa yang dicari, entah apa pula yang hilang

jalan buntu, maka ku melangkah tanpa arah tentu ingin kembali pada makna, warnai hari penuh cita, hiduplah, diri, bergeraklah meski tanpa asa dan makna,

melukis jantung yang berdetak, menulis tulang yang beranjak, merangkai organ yang bergerak, merajut nadi yang berikat erat

meski dewasa, banyak hal yang tak aku ketahui menarik nafas dunia berhenti, yakini harap hari terlewati, kan selalu ingatkan kunjungan asa pada diri yang tak kian kelam nan biru

#aksararam #rampoetry #puisiindonesia

[ram-de]

E

dapet indeks e, sedih gak sih. tugas akhir mogok, ngambil lagi semester ini, jadinya semester kemarin jadi E. E. itu kalau di grafik turun bebas, tau. Karena E itu, ya nilainya setara 0.

ya emang lalai sih. emang lalai, kamu. kerasa nyesel diakhir, gitu terus. sampai kapan sih mau kayak gini? sampai kapan...?

apa sih yang dikejar selain tujuan jangka dekat ini yang udah kamu perjuangin beberapa tahun belajar... apa yang lebih penting? aah... kecewa. kecewa. kecewa. kamu jelasin apa kalau orang-orang tanya kenapa grafik ip turun...? mau pake alesan sakit? sakit apa? jiwa? yakin? numbalin hal yang belum pasti buat justifikasi kegagalan...

aah. kasar banget sama diri sendiri. tau, tau, nggak boleh banyak pikiran negatif. tapi dalam konteks tertentu emang perlu dikerasin, nggak sih? karena kalau nggak, nanti kebiasaan sama standar yang rendah. lakuin hal-hal seenaknya tanpa liat pencapaian yang sebenernya bisa dilakuin.

kamu semester kemarin nggak ngambil matkul lain loh, tapi bisa-bisanya masih keteteran... astaga...

#aksararam #explodingrams

[ram-de]

nurani

Jangka waktu lebarkan sayap tanpa tentu

Terkikis rindu akan arah yang kau susun padu

Lirih, serpihan penuh ragu bertumpuk bertindih

Hanyut dalam kesendirian biru laut

Nurani, apa ucapku sampai akan harapan murni

Bersenandung lembut sejukkan diri dari gelapnya kabut

Raga, apa laguku sampai akan rasa siaga

Melangkah pelan hiasi senyuman kecil diujung jalan

Pastikan diri kembali, ingatkan dunia akan memori

Tergerak seperti lentiknya jemari yang kian menari

Pun detak jantung yang kian mencari kehidupan agung

Takkan pernah sirna, nurani, selama kau dan aku ada disini

#aksararam #rampoetry

[ram-de]

timespan

what is the proper lifespan of a motivation, i wonder? the serenity i had yesterday, all peace and all content with life and everything. now, i can feel it depleting as the time goes by. and man does it sucks. i was really ambitious but maybe i've been too ambitious. trying to get a handle on three (3!!!) accountability buddies all at once for tracking my progress. oh well... AND THE KIDS ARE SHOUTING DOWN FLOOR... AUGHH... i'm gonna go to the library.

#ramblingrams