rarestnicole

[rarestnicole]

There’s this cup of coffee.

It was almost empty, just a quarter was inside before someone left it on the table and went to school.

Later on, she sent a message asking for the coffee to be left on the table—untouched, saying she’ll finish it when she comes back.

But she never finished it, you know. Maybe even forgot about the coffee that she thought of going back to when all was well. Despite the world being disturbingly hot enough, she loves her hot coffee still.

That was then.

That simplicity of life will never come back. How fragile is life, really? One moment, you were drinking a cuppa coffee and decided to leave some of it to come back to later on. Only for the next moments to leave you so devastatingly empty that you couldn’t even care about something you’ve sworn you’ll come back for.

How fragile are our moments that you can never really tell if you could go back to something later on? I doubt that she ever really remembered about her coffee when a parent was taken away by a traitorous disease.

It was devastating—world-shattering, even.

None of us expected to lose a family member so suddenly. We were even in denial despite seeing that death has completely consumed him.

And once again, Death overshadowed the living out of us all.

Like that coffee to her, she thought she could later come back to both of her parents—both filled with life and love. Little did any of us know, our family member went ahead with the sun. Suddenly, all of us were taken aback, in disbelief, and filled with gloom.

We lost more than just a family member; we lost a friend, some lost a future that could’ve been, a dream-come-true, a warm embrace, a shoulder to cry on, a pillar, a sunshine, and more.

That’s why it hurt big time. It was sudden. He was robbed of the very life that he was vivaciously living. His family was robbed of the life that they were dreaming of living someday. We were robbed of a happier future and more meaningful memories with him around. Now, nothing will ever be the same—especially for his family.

And that’s when I realised… the coffee may have been there when she went home, but so was loss. She never remembered what remained because all of it were overshadowed by grief.

And unlike that coffee, we cannot just plan to come back for people and our home later on and expect them to actually be there, because no matter how lively and hopeful life is, it’s also just as tragic and painful.

I cannot fathom the distress, loss, and utter brokenness of the family he was forced to leave. I can only cry for their loss, I can only break for their shattered hearts and soul. I can only offer a hug, a moment of silence, a sympathetic look, my words of love and understanding, and my support, but none of that will be enough to put everything back together. The fact of the matter is that her Father is gone, no matter how unreal it seems to me. It breaks my heart, too.

As a family, we’re back to the bottom again. We’re back to the gloomy phase. And I understand. No one will rush healing. No one should.

Hurt if you must, young lady.

Cry if you must. Scream, if that makes it less painful for a while. And come back to life when you’re ready. One of your stars may have dimmed, but we’ll be here when you’re ready to be shined on again. I’m not gonna promise that it’s the same light that you lost when he was taken, no matter how bright will our collective shine be, but we’ll keep your day and night lit enough until you find your own light again.

They said we shouldn’t cry over spilt milk, but how come she still cried her soul out even when she came home with her coffee waiting for her? None of what wasn’t spilt comforted her broken soul because none of what’s left could bring back what’s now gone.

And none of these truths are easy to accept.

My darling… until you shine again.

:>

#Spotify

[rarestnicole]

This was supposed to be for yesterday, but I just remembered my April writing list. 😂 So here goes…

Describe my personality…

Well. 😆 I’ll start with leaving my MBTI first. I am an INFJ. I haven’t checked it last year like I planned to do. I’m gonna take the personality test again this year, hopefully, when I remember it. 😂

So, yeah. I’m kind of complicated? At least that’s how it seems, but I’m really comfortable with who I am. I’m shy. I couldn’t really do a lot on that department. I tried. But it always defeats me. Trying to be more social, more of a take-the-moment kind of girl, more of standing out; all of this makes me a trembling or conscious mess. I know that’s unfortunate. I tried, but I’m not comfortable. Sad, I think, that that’s become my personality. Hehe. I’m really an introverted person, I choose who I interact with or when I am fine being social. Otherwise, I’m fine being by myself.

I think a lot. I may even be an over-thinker. I want to be prepared for most of the things that I want or have to do. I’m not comfortable if I’m not prepared. Huhu. I tend to panic and forget things, so I wanna be prepared prior to any commitments.

I’m kind of an organized gal. It’s sensory overload for me when my surroundings get messy. 😔 So whenever our place gets a lot of guests, I tell myself that it’s alright. I have to remind myself that I’ll eventually have time to clean up my surroundings. I feel light, better, and happy when my surroundings are neat. I’m feeling soooo down when my place is trashed. Huhu. I cannot function well.

Wait… I’ve strayed, didn’t I? 😂

Okay. Description, yeah.

My personality is warm, I guess? I’m compassionate, thoughtful, and caring. That’s my whole personality and even when I try to suppress it whenever I’m hurt, it will just eventually resurface. I do hate mankind sometimes because of how we’re treating our only home, our fellow living things, and our fellow humans. But at the end of the day, I’m just a compassionate human who hates cruelty and abuse of all kinds. Hay. My personality isn’t so bright, but I guess when I’m around people that I am comfortable with, I’m just a ball of sunshine. Maybe because I’m a people-pleaser or it’s just that I find it awkward when the silence within a crowd that I know of isn’t as comfortable as my solitude? There’s a comfortable silence and there’s that awkward silence that I couldn’t take. I’d rather be alone, though, that’s the best option or situation for me. Hihi.

I’ve been told that I’m a happy-go-lucky, but I think I’m not? But what I’m sure about is that I have commitment issues. When something piques my interest, I sometimes squeeze that interest to a pulp, because if I don’t, I may have to wait for a long time for that feeling again. I act on my extreme feelings. When I’m truly inspired to do something, I put my focus on doing that. I wanted to learn a language? I’d study that until I don’t have enough drive anymore. I wanted to express the pain I felt? I’ll put that into words. I’m sad? I’ll reflect that through words, through art, through consumable media. I’m feeling in love? I’ll play love songs that doubles that feeling and listen to it nonstop until I run out of that feeling.

I think I have a lot more… maybe because my personality isn’t that fixed or maybe because I’m yet to be sure of the personality that I know is authentic. Or maybe I’m just distracted by the songs that’s been playing since I started writing this…? Haha.

Oh, another pa pala. My attention span is kinda… short? Hehe. But maybe that depends on where I’m focused on? And how I’m feeling about that thing? Hay.

I’ll stop na muna. Haha. I’ll just draft what’s supposed to be for April 02 tomorrow. Hehe. I’m sleepy and I really want to reread something, so, bukas na lang.

[rarestnicole]

[rarestnicole]

[rarestnicole]

— A. Y.

[rarestnicole]

[rarestnicole]

If you see beauty in something, don't wait for others to agree.

Sherihan Gamal

[rarestnicole]

When do you have to say that you’re not okay? I’m just wondering. 💭

Every time I got asked how I’m doing or how I am, I always say I’m okay. Because at that moment, I am. Because I only respond to messages when I am okay enough to interact. I only open the messages that I received when I feel like it. So I’m never not okay when I’m responding to them. That’s my truth at that moment. I’m okay.

But sometimes I wonder when I should say it. Should I feel it extremely just so I could say that I’m not okay? I’m not sure. And so what if I’m not okay? What am I gonna expect from the other end of the line? Consolation? With what? I know what I need and I know that I should provide for that, so I don’t really have to look for any consolation from people. And besides, when do need that, I ask Mommy. I tell her my worries and my thoughts and she offers her opinion. It works because she knows me well and she isn’t wary of me. Like me, she knows what I need to hear and she knows that I’ll take it like a champ.

So going back, when do I say that I’m not okay? I don’t know. 😆 Hmm, I’ll go into circles kapag inisip ko ‘to nang bongga. The only answer that I could settle on for now is: When I’m truly not okay and I’m comfortable with sharing it.

That’s it. :>

[rarestnicole]

Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.

[rarestnicole]

I had an idea! 💡

Lagi ko kasing nakikita around Araneta City that this is the City of Firsts, that’s their tagline. 🤭 And since I did something today—for the first time!!—why not start documenting them? 😂 I forgot a lot of them na, but it’s never too late to start anyway. 😋

So today, I bought and tried Dunkin’s coffee. ☕️ Spanish Latte ang binili namin since bumili rin kami last Sunday (for the first time), from Popeye’s, with the same mixture and… 🥴 we were utterly disappointed. So rito muna tayo sa Popeye’s coffee experience namin.

I’m not much of a coffee drinker, but I’ve been trying fastfood coffee’s because I live with 2 coffee lovers, alright. And I like drinking coffee naman, occassionally nga lang.

Going back… so nakita kasi ni ate Lly na may coffee na nga ang Popeye’s. After church, we decided to go and buy a cup of coffee for us each. Spanish latte ang binilo namin. Goodness gracious sa branch na ‘to rito sa Cubao. 😢 Walang sense of urgency ang mga staff, eh fastfood nga. :< I get that they may be tired, but I don’t think that’s the sole case here at all. Hay. We waited for about 20 minutes before kami nag-follow up. During those minutes, tatlo na ang narinig naming magreklamo. Two delivery riders complained about having to wait for too long. As in. Tapos one guy complained about the gravy that he requested. Iniwan lang sa kitchen kahit may laman na tapos he’s literally standing outside ng kitchen, wala man lang nag-initiate na mag-abot sa kanya. Sad, because kumakain sila tapos patapos na ang family niya, wala pa ring nag-aabot ng gravy. Alangan namang hablutin niya sa loob ng kitchen, ‘di ba? He just couldn’t help but complain. 😬 And there I was, an empty piece of a shell 😆, hindi na kayang i-mind ang own world ko because nangangawit na ako katatayo sa paghihintay sa coffee ko… na ‘di pa pala nasimulang gawin. 😃 Fuck. Teh, nagutom na po ako at nangawit at natakam na sa coffee. 😢 Maiintindihan ko sana kung buzzing ang branch, kaso hindi, eh. The staff inside the kitchen were chatting while making the orders with no sense of urgency. And when we tried to follow up, saka pa lang ginawa ang order namin. 😭 Haaaay. Tapos when I refused to take the straw, ang sabi pa sa’kin, baka matapos daw ang coffee. 😔 But the cup design is for sipping. Kung matatapon nga, why did the company had it as a design? I know it’s not the staff’s fault and I don’t blame them for that naman, it just defeats the purpose of the design. Kaloka. Tapos pagtikim namin ng kape… TEH?!! Ang tabanh, walang ka-kick-kick. Minadali pa yata. :< ‘Di naman kami nagpakita ng pagmamadali, we just really wanted our orders. It’s either mindala talaga kaya sobrang tabang na halos walang buhay na kami ang sinisipsip namin or gano’n talaga kapangit ang mixture ng Popeye’s. 😞 I don’t wanna risk it again and try buying from a different branch. And I swore that I won’t go back to that branch for anything again. Hay nako. First time trying a cup of coffee from Popeye’s and it disappointed big time.

Kanina sa Gateway, nakita namin ang kabubukas lang yata na store ng Dunkin’ and since natikman na ni ate Lly ang coffee do’n, we decided to buy ourselves a cup each. Spanish latte ulit. AND HOLY SHIT. The kick??? Hindi ako makasipsip nang dire-diretso. 😂 I felt like I’d palpitate. I’m not sure about how Spanish Latte should taste like but super tasty and strong ng version ng Dunkin’. Phew! I loved it! I feel like I could add more water to dilute it and it would still taste decently. Huhu. The best counter sa disappointment last time. Until now, as of typing, ‘di ko pa yata napangangalahatian ang large cup. HAHAHA. Baka ‘di pa ako makatulog mamaya, pero masarap talaga. Yey!

The tradition of buying ourselves coffee from time to time or almost whenever we go out started with Burger King. It started when we moved to Cubao. We enjoyed every cup from Burger King and that will remain the original tradition. That’s also a first time for me from Burger King. Sina ate Lly lang din ang nag-introduce sa akin. Mwahaha.

And that’s all about our coffee experiences here… yet. 😉

[rarestnicole]

wow, ganda 😮

𝖻𝗒 𝖥𝗋𝗂𝖾𝖽𝗁𝖾𝗅𝗆 𝖳𝗁𝗈𝗆𝖺𝗌

[rarestnicole]

1st day of being 24! 🥳

It was a normal day. I rewatched the last few episodes of ATLA Book 3 and I really enjoyed them. Haaaay. Someday, I’ll watch all the seasons in a big screen with loud speakers—alone. Alone muna kasi baka ma-stress ang isasama ko sa kare-replay ko ng ibang scenes. HAHAHA.

Anyway, 24. As I’ve mentioned before, I have been feeling 24 for a while now, so it’s nothing new. What’s new is the train of greetings coming my way. 😊 I thanked all those people who took their time to send me a happy birthday message. I kept it secret because I don’t wanna deal with so much today, I just wanted to deal with those who remembered. 🤣 But I won’t take it against those people who forgot about it. It’s okay, that happens. 😉

So, yeah… that’s it for today. Happy birthday to me! Yey! 🥳🥳🥳

[rarestnicole]

there’s a reason why the entire story of avatar the last airbender begins and ends with katara. there’s a reason why we are introduced to katara first before we are introduced to any other character. there’s a reason why katara is the narrator. there’s a reason why the creators have emphasized over and over again that katara is just as titular to the story as aang - she’s the other main character.

when you water down katara - remove her compassion, her ability to connect with others, her nurturing role, her ANGER and RAGE and DRIVE - you water down the very fundamentals of the story. you drastically and severely alter the core dynamics of the gaang, because katara was so important to the development of every single one of them. she was the rock and glue that held team avatar together.

katara was unlike any other character to ever appear on television; she was a young brown girl who took no shit from anyone, yet at the same time remained kind and compassionate and nurturing. katara was a force of nature; proud of her heritage and culture, burdened by the responsibility of being the last southern water bender of the water tribe, angered over the death of her mother and everything that the fire nation took from her, determined to help every single person in need, determined to change the world, angry and resentful because old men and rules and laws kept telling her what she could or could not do, thus, she was determined to restructure thousands of years of patriarchy that stood against her from accomplishing her goals and dreams.

watering down katara into at most 2-3 tangible characteristics, stripping her away of all her motivation and agency and nuance, telling the audience that she wants to help and change the world only to have her stand in the background with an air of grief, demonstrates that the writers of the live action fundamentally misunderstand the spirit of avatar. and that’s something so unforgivable. no matter how many changes they decide to make, or how much they decide to stay true to the original story in other areas, no matter how many flashy VFX fight scenes we get - if you fail to properly understand katara, you fail to understand the heart and soul of avatar the last airbender, everything that makes avatar such a timeless classic.

[rarestnicole]

Happy birthday, Ibarra. You are loved by me. And syempre, you are loved by Czarina. You’ll always be special to me, Bari. Love you! 💙

[rarestnicole]

I’m turning 24 in a week! 🥳 I have a secret though. 😆 I’ve been calling myself 24 ever since the year started. Minsan nga nakakalimutan ko nang 23 pa lang pala ako. 😅 I’m thinking about it being more like a mindset than a couple of numbers, do yunno what I mean? xD

So how do I feel about turning 24? Do I have to feel something? I think so. Do I have to make a big deal out of it and put it on writing? YUP! 😂 It’s not every year that I turn 24 in mind, spirit, and actual age. Lol.

I actually like it, turning 24. I feel like I’ve been presented to a whole new sense of responsibility and accountability. Weird feeling, but it’s here within. I feel like this is another start. In many ways, it sure is another start. Haha. But aside from them all, I do hope that it’s a new beginning of someone that I am. I can already feel that I’m leaving someone that I used to behind. I’m not gonna forget her, I’m just leaving her here, there, somewhere that she should be left in. I won’t forget her, though. I’ll always be thankful to the versions of me, even when I’m not always proud of how I acted and reacted sometimes.

I’m glad to be growing. And I’m most certainly happy to grow more. If growth entails pain and failure and more self-blaming, I wouldn’t mind. Self-awareness will always be my priority. I know I should be careful and be more wise when it comes to knowing myself, and I can only hope and pray for me to be ready. Sometimes, it could lead to self-sabotage, and I don’t want that.

I know. I’m aware that I only have a year left before I reach the point of complete development in some parts of my brain. I’m about to be an adult with a fully developed frontal lobe. 😂 Kaya mas uunahin ko talaga ang pagkilala sa sarili ko and all my traumas, my demons, my pet peeves, and more before I explore out there. And, oh!!! I’m also working on myself sa lover girl concept. HAHAHAHAHAHA. And aspect? Jeez, this is funny. I have to quit thinking ill of having to share my freedom with someone else. Huhu. I’ll get there. 😂 At least I started while I was 23, right? I’m trying to have an open mind about relationships and whatnots. Phew!

Thanks to the books that I’m reading, I’m finally getting comfortable about the idea of having a boyfriend. 😣 Getting pa lang, ha. I’m not there yet. Wew! 😮‍💨 KASI IT WILL ALWAYS BE WEIRD—o, ‘di ba!!! Naka-always pa rin. Ugh. Right now, thinking about it, it’s weird na may maghahatid sa akin, I’m not used to that. I’ve almost always brought myself home, never minding the darkness and the fact that I am alone. Huhu. I have sooooo much to think about, to consider, and to compromise with. I hope that I’ll be ready when the time comes for love to come knocking on my door. Naku, shuta, baka sunduin pa ako. 😬 Chariz.

I also want to think of my future, financially. And academically. And more. Yes, I have so much to prepare for pa. Especially before getting into a relationship. I WILL NOT enter a relationship without being stable in many ways more than one. Jusko.

I also wanna start a collection! OMG!!! Small joys that I won’t allow to be vices. Ooooh, this must be the adult urge to collect something? Lol, no. I just happened to fall in love with a specific masterpiece that I want to know it more, dive deeper into its universe, and learn more about it. I’m liking it a lot, I kinda regret getting to know it just recently. Hmpt. But this may be its perfect time to exist in my life, so, yeah. At least dumating. Yiiiie. <333

And lastly, I want to write moooore. I want to be moooore consistent and be mooore intentional.

Here’s to hoping for the realisation of these things! 🥳

[rarestnicole]

“You can either experience the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.”-Unknown

[rarestnicole]

Frustrated ako no’ng high school.

Ang source ng frustration ko ay ang sarili kong feelings. Man vs. Himself ang plot ko no’n. 😂 Napapansin ko kasi na ever since I had that one summer with a certain someone, na natigil din mismo when that summer ended, siya na lang lagi ang crush ko.

Magkaka-crush ako sa iba, yes. I’d tolerate my feelings for other boys, yes. Kikiligin ako nang bongga, yes na yes. HAHAHA. Makakatitigan, makakangitian, at makakausap ko pa ang iba, yes! Magkakagusto rin sa akin ang iba, yes, but all of it came to an end. Tapos at the end of the day, babalik ako sa summer love ko. Okay, siya na lang si SL. 😂 Wtf, ang corny, pero basta. 😬

I even had a relationship once in high school. Nagre-rebel ako against myself. I felt like it was my fault kung bakit naputol ang communication namin ni SL. And may similarities sila ng high school flame na ‘yon. 🤧 Ang pinaka-notable ay ang paglalakad. Huhu, I was so shallow, I know. But they tiptoe kapag naglalakad. And I was rebelling nga so I made rash decisions and let myself be pressured by my peers then.

So I was in a relationship, right? That very relationship ended when summer started. 😅 All because SL’s brother visited in town and blabbered about how SL talked about me before and blah-blah-blah. I realised that I really liked SL and it’s still him. Also, I began reading stories on my phone. I was really into every book that I read to the point where I treat text messages from my then-flame as disturbance. :> And that was what triggered the breakup. I broke up with that person.

Bumalik ba ang communication namin ni SL? No. Did I pursue him? No? Did I try sending him messages? Not unless he asked me first. He had some questions about our town and he asked them from me. Sinagot ko naman. Nagkumustahan kami, nagbabatian tuwing birthdays, and nagkita pa kami no’ng bumalik siya sa bayan. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But that was it. Nothing about that one summer vacation was continued. I don’t know why. But my feelings persisted. Ever since him, wala na talagang instance na magkaka-crush ako then mag-auncrush na mawawala siya sa picture. He’ll always have my feelings. The feelings that I had for him was the most bothersome, most frustrating, most lingering, and most confusing.

At one point, napuno na ako. It became really frustrating lalo na at wala akong ginagawang move to ease it. I’m too scared to reach out. I guess sa kanya ako pinakatakot ma-reject. 😂 Sa pov ko raynao, year 2024, that’s how it seems. Kasi looking back, I could muster the stupid courage to confess to people, kahit magmukha akong tanga, basta mai-express ko ang feelings ko, GO. Kahit walang patutunguhan, I’d somehow have the courage to do so. But not with him. It’s a stupid thing that I cannot figure out.

At one point during Senior High School, I was desperate to get over him. And I did. For quite some time, I did. I was successful in tricking myself that I finally found my first love during SHS. Wala na akong makapang feelings for SL. Finally?! I was so proud of my success. Nag-focus ako sa akala ko first love ko. 😂 I was happy sa bagong crush situation. I also had my heart broken, I guess. Iniyakan ko rin naman kaya convinced talaga ako na first love ko. 😭 Until I stumbled upon an idea that made me rethink who my first love was. 🤧

The idea goes like this, “don’t think less of the love that you thought you had before; it was love in a way that you knew how to love then.” Parang huwag daw i-downplay ang love just because magkaiba na ang definition mo ng love noon kumpara sa time na mas matanda ka, parang gano’n. It was still love. So it was love. I’ve decided. Okay.

I was like, “So si SL talaga ang first love ko… because my idea of love may be simpler then than now, but it was love in the version that I could offer and understand.” 😮

Cool. Pero it’s haunting me rin since then. HAHA. I CAN NOT get over that boy. The memories, the instances, the whole of it. He was my best times, best memories, best songs combined in one person. We had the same favourite colour and number then. I still vividly remember how he looked at me when I was on the swing. I could still remember how petty our fights were. He was a playmate when I was a child. Then he became a love interest and an enemy when I was in teenager. Now that I’m an adult, I treat him like a persisting dream. Panaginip, ha, hindi pangarap. Wala ako sa point na papangarapin ko na lang siya just so I could settle with my feelings. HAHA.

Feeling ko sa kanya nagsimula ang standards ko. Magaling sa Math dapat (kasi magaling siya). Matangkad dapat (kasi matangkad siya, lol). Engineering student or engineer dapat (kasi balak niyang mag-engineer dati).

Anyway… right now, aware naman ako that the residual feelings are for the 14-year-old him from the 13-year-old me. I’m not expecting anything to happen again. It’s just that sometimes, I can’t help but relapse. Relapse for that young boy that he once was. And maybe, I keep on relapsing because he’s a safe memory, a safe place, that I can go back to any moment and have no shame about it. My memory of him is too wholesome and precious that if I choose to go back to it, I won’t be mad or sad or ashamed. It’s a good feeling to go back to. Maybe it’s the reason why I keep on doing so. But the person that he is today, that’s a stranger to me. I don’t want anything to do with him. I’m just thankful for being the boy that he was when I was 13. No matter what the ending looked like to us, the journey was still blissful for me, and that alone is enough.

I want to genuinely thank him for giving me that experience. My first love was like a welcoming home of innocence and feelings and youth. I had the time of my life. Thank you, Lag Seeing.