rauraudiary

[rauraudiary]

The times I had an argument with my mum has been more frequent now. It seemed to be almost everyday.

Every time I reached home, she will talked about the engagement plans. I was already exhausted and have migraines from work and adding more things into my head after work, makes me explode even more.

On top of that, even though my dad’s paying for the venue and food, I on the other hand volunteered to pay for my clothes, photographers, doorgifts, accessories and dulang because I couldn’t bear to see her paying for it when she’s not working. And besides I didn’t want her to talk about “having to use her money again”.

But in the end, it backfired me. She didn’t see it as helping. She totally disregard it.

I have decided to pay for my whole engagement now. I’ll pay for the consequences of their words. I’ll pay back the $1000 deposit that they have put in. I’m gonna bite on my finger and hold on to this pain for a while.

I can’t wait to get married actually. I want to get out from this house and not argue with her. It just makes me sin more. She makes me feel like that.

[rauraudiary]

It has come.

The time when I’m actually fearing of will happen to me has come.

I woke up in the morning to see blood all over. My menses have came twice over a month. And this is the first time happening to me.

The stress came from work (post covid), arguments with my mum and being in dilemma between M and my mum.

Stress from work came about when my teachers covering my duties were not helping with my work for that 2 weeks. Work kept on hold and piling and children’s write up’s deadline was coming nearer

I had disagreements with my mum because she chose to listen to her relatives over me when she decided to do the engagement at a hotel. It was against my wish for something simple. In the end, I had to listen to her.

The differences between my family and M was there. He wanted a much longer time. But my family wanted it as soon as possible. I was kept in a dilemma.

But we finally able to come to an agreement to next year 28th Jan 2023 because I realised that M needs more time to save up the money for marriage.

[rauraudiary]

Hold My Hand

This has to stop. I realised that I have power to change and stop the things that has subtly been instilled into me since young. This negativity has to stop. 

My parents were married through an arranged marriage. Eventually, 28 years later, they are still not in love, Because of this, I rarely see love was displayed in a home. I don’t know how a couple take care of each other at home, hold hands and cuddling while watching TV, speaking of good things about your partner and expressing love or affection in their own ways. 

Being in a relationship with M, I saw how much of these was apparent in my house. How my mum always picks on my dad’s bad points, how she constantly judges people, she often bickers in the car, she has never complimented my dad even just saying how good looking he is. She rarely shows how she express her gratitude towards him. There was a lack of communication at times. At times, she keeps talking about my dad’s bad points that I kept blaming my dad for whatever happened. Sometimes, she can’t accept the way my dad is even after all these years. 

As a daughter, all she does is to pick on my bad points, consistently judging me. Never asking how my day was. I feel like walking on ice and having to choose my words wisely whenever I talk to her. I know that I’m not close to my mum as I used to be and I don't think highly of her as I was before. She hardly listens and understand. She just hears. She thinks everything is right. She doesn’t see all the invisible and unnoticeable sacrifices I have made just because I don’t share it with her, 

In fact, she’s a walking red flag that was invisible to the eyes. 

They have never hold hands with each other, It was apparent there was no romance or love between them. 

I have to stop this. I can get over it.

In the future, there are so many things I want to do with M. 

Kiss him whenever and whenever we are. 

Speak of good things about him with my children. 

I don’t want to yell. I want to remind him gently and softly.

Communicate with him our thoughts and feelings. 

Hold his hands and initiate holding hands with him even in public. 

Be spoiled and spoil him. 

At times, I will swallow my ego, my pride and get over my awkwardness to give him what he wants. 

I want to make him feel needed. 

Compliment how good he is, how thankful I am whenever and wherever I can. 

Give him smooches and kisses.

I will tell him how good looking he is even when he just woke up with his morning hair. 

Hug him first. Don’t wait for him to do that. 

Take more of his solo photos. 

Initiate.

Accept him as it is. 

Accept his past.

Don’t overthink. This has to really stop.

Get used to his kisses and compliments.

Take care of his needs and wants. 

Cook his favourite food and dessert. 

Making sure he is well taken care of physically and mentally.

Walk with him every step through. 

I believe I can do this. I know I can. I can stop all these negativity that has been feeding into me. I don't want to be like my mum. I want to be me. I want to be the loving, caring, gentle, understanding person. I want to be everything that I have wished for. 

[rauraudiary]

I admit, I have it.

I finally understood what I had been feeling inside. I finally found the term on what I have been going through what usually was once a month (during my period). Now, it has become often. Like the previous post, my overthinking, anxiety and insecurity has been coming more often. More than once definitely. But there was this feeling that only occured when I was in a relationship with M. It was a new and foreign feeling that I had to overcome a few times and then it comes back again. 

I found the term for it. I admit it, I have it. I have this thing called Retroactive Jealousy. What it means?

Well, according to source, “Retroactive jealousy refers to jealousy over your partner's past, particularly their previous relationships.”

The first time I had it was when I found out how sexually active he was in the previous relationship and in his past. On top of that, the thought of him sleeping with a girl. It was not bad... I was like a few hours overthinking of it and then it sweep it off. 

But now, I just kept thinking about it. It’s like a loop of thoughts that haunts me in the middle of the night and makes me unable to sleep. It became hard for me to brush off. I had jokingly mentioned it like “Oh, how many have you said this before?” And he would reply with, “Hey, hey. Why are you thinking about that?”

I would just laugh it off but deep in my heart, I just couldn’t. 

M has assured so many times about how he loves me. How much I’ve changed him. How much his past doesn’t matter now and he has closed the chapter. 

It sucks to have retroactive jealousy. You start comparing yourself to his ex that you don't even know or seen before. You start doubting yourself like, “Is she better than me?”, “Was she more beautiful than me?”, “Did she have it much bigger than me?”, “Did she satisfy him better?”, “Am I a burden to him?”, “Has he ever make a comparison between me and her?”, “Could it be that I’ve met her before?”, “Is it possible we could have meet her during a date but we just walked passed by her and he pretend not to see?”, “Am I boring?”

It sucks that I am the second person in his life. I wished I was his first so I don’t feel this way. I wished he knew the battle that I am going through to accept him, his past and reality. I’m not saying that I don’t accept him. I do. But, sometimes you can’t help to think about all these things. 

And me being an overthinker, it’s not helping. AT ALL. 

I am reading similar experiences by people on reddit and Quora and I hope it will help me. And that I am not the only one. 

Quoted:

1. One really easy advice: Trust is the base of love, if you don’t trust someone, you will not be able to fully love that person. If you don’t trust you boyfriend why are together with him in the first place. The past is past, and that past have nothing to do with you.

2. Your boyfriends past is not what's hurting you. Your own insecurity is what's hurting you.Your question speaks volumes about low self-esteem

3. The solution is simple, but not easy: work on yourself. Develop better self-esteem and self-worth. Trust your boyfriend. Become secure: secure in yourself and secure in your relationship

I maybe just need assurance. Maybe it’s just me. 

I got to go. He’s video calling me now. 

[rauraudiary]

Insecure

I’m back at it again. Back at being insecure and overthinking. I think things have worsened ever since the big argument with my mum recently.

I don’t often feel this way back in the past but now it has come at least once a month. If not, a few times in a month. On top of that, I have anxiety whenever I’m in the house with her. I might not know what words I say might trigger a fight with her.

The long holiday I have now, is definitely not helping me. I’m dreading the protected leave right now.

With the constant overthinking, the feeling of insecure and overthinking just makes me want to have outlet to share what’s in my thoughts.

1. About wedding, will I be able to save enough to have my dream wedding? Will be able to negotiate certain things with my mum like how many people will be invited to the wedding? How much are we spending?

2. House - what kind of house? Where? When? Most importantly, how much? How do we start? Renovation costs? Is there any?

3. M - whatever feeling he has, he had them before in his previous relationship. How many girls have pleased and satisfy him before? I wished I knew them. I wished I was able to see what was going on in the past. He doesn’t share much about his ex and I don’t know if knowing all of these is a good thing for me or not. Like, how many times has he said “I love you” in the past or say that she’s beautiful. I need assurance. I really do need them now. Any words of reassurance. Is it true you can’t forget your first love? Am I good enough for him?

4. Marriage - will I be able to cope and keep up? Will be able to be consistent when doing things? Will I get tired of doing things? Will I be able to keep him happy? Will he regret? How do we continue to keep the relationship alive?

Help. I need help. I can’t get it over my head. How do people recover from overthinking and being insecure?

9.6.22

[rauraudiary]

Love Grows…

He did it. He came to meet my parents finally. I’m writing here a few months after he came to my house.

Well, my parents have always wanted to see the guy whom their only daughter is going out with. Ever since this year, they have been inviting him but because of my dad’s hectic work schedules and him having jobs on a weekend and not knowing when he will end, makes it hard for them to meet. On top of that, I wasn’t ready for him to meet my parents. And don’t mention about his side. He was nervous as heck every time I mentioned about this.

After a long time, my mum said, “It’s okay… let him come anytime on the Sunday. If he ends late, we will still wait for him.”

So I broke the news to Mirza saying that I can’t help him anymore. It has been months since they have been inviting him and we kept rejecting them. On top of that, I don’t want them to have the idea that he was not serious with me. He finally agreed and promised to come on Sunday.

So the next few days, our phone conversations were about:

What is he going to bring on that day? Snacks? Goreng pisang? But he’s going to be from work… hmmm

Or maybe a carton of cigarette for my dad? (Kidding!)

How about deliver it to my house because he will be riding? Fruit hamper?

Re-enact how the situation will be starting from him greeting ‘Assalamualaikum’ at the door. And then he will walk in and introduce himself.. yada yada.. have food and so on.

How I will help him to not make things awkward. Discuss about things to talk about with my dad especially.

Overall, I was the more nervous one.

So, Saturday came and I bought my helper to Sheng Siong early in the morning. As I was shopping, he messaged me and I got the shock of my life. He had no work and wants to come… TODAY! It was a day earlier than promised. The vessel that was supposed to come was delayed. He was afraid that he will not make it early on Sunday.

In a state of panic (because there was no food and ingredients at home), I called my mum and she told him to come at 5pm to give us time to prepare.

I was sweating like mad. Panic and anxiety struck me and I was feeling dizzy. The moment I came home, my mum was cooking mee soto already and I… I was vomiting in the toilet!

I wasn’t mentally prepared. I was shaking. I couldn’t think straight. I kept looking at the clock. I almost forgot to send him my address. And just like that, he texted that he has reached the void deck! He texted that he was nervous. Oh boy, I was even more nervous!

And there he came in front of my door with a bag of chocolates for my family. He came in and oh boy! The smell of his perfume filled my home. It was to the point that my helper complimented him.

So, he had a good conversation with my family. Talking about his job, experiences, stories and my dad talking about his job, the Loyang workplace (because they worked a few kilometres away) and many more. And I could see that my mum and dad was trying to understand how his job works.

We ate what my mum cooked - Mee Soto. Nervously, spilled some too. Yikes! My dad and him chatted for a while before he finished and left with us conversing about anything.

We watched a few shows about carpentry and interior design with my family and he’s off by 8.30pm.

I walked with him to his bike and repeatedly said thank you and how appreciative I am for his courage to meet my family. He deserves a hug.

I’m glad he felt the same way too. He didn’t feel nervous and enjoyed spending time with my family. He was nervous about what my family thinks about him now.

I asked my parents and they were fine with him. They’re happy that I am happy with him.

To more family gatherings together. 🤍

#Spotify

[rauraudiary]

Imperfect

M and I really love to have honest conversations. It could be any topic in the world. And the best part, we have late night conversations between 8.45 to 12am. Sometimes even later. It really depends on how interesting is the topic or how much energy we are left for the day.

Sometimes, it would just be an hour where he usually be the more tired one. I don’t mind. Really I don’t mind. After all, his job is a physically demanding job.

So after 6 months of honest conversations, I found out how he was before he met me. I realised how messed up he was. Seriously. And worse part, he was so far from my ideal guy: religious, nerd and all. You know.. the typical Malay religious guy (but not too religious).

I found out how he went astray since young and how he wasn’t able to differentiate between right and wrong. Won’t go into details because it’s aib.

To be honest, I felt disappointed and sad. Not because of what he has done in the past… but more of, what led to this? What was his feelings when he did all of these? How could something wrong felt so right for him? And how could the mistakes happened again and again.

These questions kept running through my mind after our conversation and I know I need to write them out.

But the most important thing… I really wished I was there to help him back them.

All in all, he was imperfect.

I remembered a conversation I had 6 years ago with a polymate of mine. She asked, “R, you’re a good girl, religious, still going to ngaji class every week. Will you marry a Ustaz?”

My reply, “Yes, I will. If he’s my jodoh…”

She asked again, “What if he drinks or sleeps around?”

“I will definitely avoid that guy in the first place.”

“But what if he is a nice guy… patient… calm… polite… but later in the relationship you find out that he used to drink and sleep around and take drugs or whatever crime.”

Immediately I answered, “Yeah. I will still accept him. Because he was honest. And he used to do it which means he stopped doing it and whatever he has done, it’s just between me and him. It’s people’s aib and I will protect it.”

Who knew that more than 10 years later, this scene popped up my mind. Will I still accept him after knowing what he did?

My answer is yes.

Because I know he has changed sincerely. I have witnessed how he stood by his principles even when his surroundings could have lured him back to who he was in the past.

There were definitely a few things that he is still learning and I understand that it takes time and dua. I, too, am learning and improving.

Before we ended our conversation, he reminded me of something. “R, don’t think too much about it okay. It’s no longer necessary and it’s my past. Let’s focus on the now. I have promised you. You know how much I do love you and I want to marry you. I want to be with you together in a halal way.”

And with that, all the more, I wanna marry him. And the reason… I want to be his lighthouse. I want to guide him back to the correct path. I want to elevate his rank, our rank in front of Allah. I want to solat jemaah together. I want him to get more good deeds by being my Imam. I want to repair his relationship with his family especially his mum and sister.

I do love him. I love all of him even his past, his wrongdoings, his pain, his trauma, everything.

Oh Allah, please make my marriage with him faster and smooth sailing. I want us to be closer to You. So, please grant my dua, Oh Allah.

I want to marry you because of Allah.

#Spotify

[rauraudiary]

Dear M

4 months ago, you came into my life unexpectedly. Neither was I ready to commit nor want to be in a relationship. I told my closest friends that I have no desire to find a boyfriend or even get married. And 7 months later, you are now part of my life. And worse, I need you. 

it’s true what I always read on those Islamic posts. Allah knows when you are ready. It took us the 2nd meet for me to know that I am ready to be in a relationship. 

Now, I only think of you and even want to build a life together with you. You’re constantly in my mind. I always checked my phone. I always looked at our photos together. Every time you gave me texts that made my heart flutters, I will save it and looked at it from time to time. 

I felt at ease with you and I have confidence that we will be sitting at the dais in the future, Insha Allah. 

You always tell me how you are the lucky one. But I have even more reasons to feel like I am the lucky one. I have never felt so loved and needed in my life. You fulfilled my needs for words of affirmation. You constantly poured your love and reminded me of how much you love me. You called me beautiful names that I have been yearning to hear from my closest people. You were constantly proud of what I do. We were so honest in our conversations and when answering my questions. You constantly asked about my wellbeing and health. You are the shoulder that I can cry on. You are thoughtful, gentle, patient, calm, understanding, respectful and a good listener.

You see how I am actually the lucky one to meet you. I always thank Allah for making me that lucky girl.

Before, I was always making sins. I did not solat for a few years, I did haram things that only Allah knows. Now, I stopped doing that particular haram thing. I am even 4 months clean and that’s the longest I have not done it. I have also picked up solat so that I can make dua for you... and us. 

Every dua, I will always dua these few things constantly:

1) I pray that you will be my jodoh.

2) May Allah ease our relationship. 

3) May Allah ease your hardships and challenges. 

4) May Hidayah comes to you and we can work together towards His path. 

5) May I have an understanding Mother in-law and family in-law.

Dear Mirza, if you really are my jodoh, I want to tell you something that I have never told anyone before. No, I didn’t found you through Tinder. I found you through Allah. On 2018, I stood in front of the Kaabah and made dua for Allah to let me meet you as soon as possible. I cried to Allah under the hot sun to grant me a relationship that’s healthy, honest and long-lasting. Isn’t it beautiful that it took years of dua for you to finally meet me? And that’s the purest form of love I can give to you. 

Mirza, you taught me so much about life. You brought out the adventurous side. We had good communication which is something that’s missing in my relationship with my parents. You taught me to keep quiet and listen to my mum. It’s tough but I’m still learning. You taught me how to prioritise things that I need and save. You make me want to be healthier and take care of myself so I won’t be a burden to you in the future. 

You made me want to become a better person. 

So Allah, I pray to you. Please ease our relationship. Let us be together as soon as possible so we can grow spiritually together and be closer to you. Bring Hidayah to him as soon as possible so he can be more ready to be my Imam. Let me feel what it feels like to have an understanding Mother who listens and I can feel motherly love from. Let me feel what it feels like to have siblings and have a wonderful relationships with all his sisters. Let him be the reason why I waited so long to finally be in a relationship. Let us be together as soon as possible so we can have soleha and pious children that obeys You. Let the love between us lasts till Jannah. Let us grow old together until we are 77 years old. 

Amin. 

I love you, M.

9/1/2022

#Spotify

[rauraudiary]

My own Mr. Darcy (p.2)

The one thing about me is that I am not the type to meet someone new within a short period of time. I take time to warm up to someone and meet face to face. I have talked to a guy whom I have talked for 2 months but still felt uncomfortable to meet. But this guy right here, took only a week to convince me that I need to meet him. 

Within that 1 and half weeks of talking on Tinder, I have learned so many things about him. He was honest in his conversations with me about who he was, his past, his beliefs and his faith in religion. Besides that, we shared similar interests. So when he popped the question to ask out for a movie, I knew I need to see this boy who was a rare gem for me. 

And the moment I knew I have fallen for him? It was when he asked me if I had already asked permission from my dad if I could go for a movie date with him. And... he understood that I do not want to go home too late as I am a lady. 

It took me a week to decide what to wear. I even Googled what conversations I can have with him and tried to memorise what topics to talk about. 

When we first met, we watched his favourite 007 movie. I was nervous as hell. Felt like my heart popped out. I took sneaky glances at him and observed him from the side of my eyes in the dark. Gosh, he looked so handsome. I struck gold, I thought. 

After that, we had dinner at Tenderfresh. I was so nervous, I couldn’t finish my freaking small bowl of mushroom soup. He ate French fries. I knew he was shy and I knew I need to carry the conversation to avoid awkwardness. I understood that not all can do that. I decided to take charge and see where it leads to. 

Soon, he warmed up and we were talking about different topics: family, cars, F1, James Bond upcoming casts, movies and about his upcoming diving training.

It was a 1 and a half hours dinner. There was only us in the restaurant. He reminded me that it was getting late and my dad would worry. I felt so touched. Coincidentally, I have parked my car beside his bike. As we warmed up our bike and car, we talked a bit. He told me to make a move first. I put on a happy and good music because I was in a happy mood. We met at the traffic junction before we parted ways. I went straight ahead while he waited for the red right arrow to turn green. 

As I drove off, I already missed him so much. 

2/1/2022

#Spotify

[rauraudiary]

My own Mr. Darcy (p.1)

I have never fallen in love with a boy throughout 25 years of my life. Eyecandy, yes, Crush, yes. In a relationship, no. 

Being the only child, your parents will prioritise your education first. So growing up, I have been very focused on studies and books. 

On top of that, I am not the person to approach guys. Too scared of rejection, not daring enough, I don’t think I was pretty enough, I was not ready for any boys in my life. 

I do had a few boys who approached me before. 

Mr A - Poly, very sweet and gentle guy, talked for a few months, even his friends were teasing us. However, it was the wrong timing. I was doing FYP and my grandma just passed away. I pulled myself away from him. 

Mr J - I think it was a short crush during the Valentine’s Day period. Not my type at all too. Pass

Mr F - a long time best friend since secondary school. We have been each other’s best friend and wants to grow old together. I thought boys and girls can be best friends without having feelings of being more than friends. After a friendship of 8 years, he bend and confessed that he liked me. Sadly, I have treated him like a brother to me. After that, things grew more awkward and we faded apart just like that. We do wished each other a Happy Birthday but we stopped this year. 

My mum told me that I can get marry at any age because the guy matters the most. So I was very happy about it that I can take my own time to concentrate on myself. I could get marry at 40 and my mum would be okay with it. After all, she believes that one should take time to find a boy who you can communicate and spend time for the rest of my life. 

I have tried a few different dating websites like Tinder, CoffeemeetsBagel and Muzmatch. The men there are trash. I had guys who MIA-ed. Another guy who asked me out to play games at his house on that same day. A guy who loved himself too much and pushed me too hard on meeting him everyday. A guy who even had a girlfriend already! 

It was at the end of July when I gave up on find the one at dating websites and went back to the traditional way. 

Just then, my boy cousin of 23 got himself a date and engaged within a few months. How? Muzmatch. And the complication of it? My mum’s worried that I am not trying hard enough to find. For the first few weeks, she kept telling me to try to meet new friends, put myself on the ‘market’ and do online dating. 

But I gave up already. 

During that few months, I have learned to spend more time on myself and picking up new skills: cycling, boxing, Mandarin class and gym. 

It was the day after my first boxing session and I was in sore pain all over. I woke up early in the morning and couldn’t sleep back. Bored and alone, I had the idea to just open up my Tinder account and swiped right without thinking much. 

I swiped right to almost all the guys I saw. And then I saw his profile. His first picture was him smiling in a diving suit and a few more photos of him related to diving. He had a very beautiful and wide smile like Daniel Riccardo. I was like ‘Nice smile,’ and I swiped right without thinking much. 

A few hours later, he greeted me and asked ‘Did you really like F1?’.

I replied and the rest is history. 

27.12.21

#Spotify

[rauraudiary]

Dear Tok Awai...

You have been one of the closest to our family since I was young. However, I only came to understand and appreciate you later. You were everyone’s favourite uncle and granduncle. You were the life of the party, witty, funny and cheerful. Knowing you close, my family and I knew how compassionate and understanding you are. We travelled the world together and I grew even closer with you. 

You played a big role in our family. You were the shoulder to cry on for my mother. A doting brother for my grandmother. A witty granduncle to me. 

We were only 3 birthdays apart and it was one of the things that connected us. Your passing on 11 March was a shock to all of us. Even though you were battling with cancer for a year, your health deteriorate within a week. I was supposed to meet you the day before your passing but I was held back by my mum with the words, “You can visit him tomorrow.”

I wished I did not listened to her. 

The news of your passing came in a form of a WhatsApp message from Dad. it was 5 minutes after the start of my teaching class. I broke down and cried. I had 2 choices - stop the class and asked for an urgent leave or I continue teaching for an hour. 

I did not want the children to miss out on learning so I continued teaching. it was the most excruciating 1 hour of my life. At times, I will stop, turn around and cried to avoid children seeing me in that vulnerable state. Some children knew and asked. I answered, “I have dust in my eyes. It’s painful and making my eyes tear.”

Thoughts of regret filled my mind. I wished I did not listened to her. 

As soon as the class ended, I rushed and told my Principal. I tried not to cry in front of her but I did. And so in front of my colleagues.

Dear Tok Awai...

Even though it has been months, it has never been the same. My mum has no one to call. I have no one to call Tok Awai anymore. You gone was a great loss to us. It felt like trying to find that missing last piece of the jigsaw that was attached to it earlier. Every reunion, I would stare at the door wishing you would come by that house door and greet ‘Assalamualaikum’. I missed fetching you at Bedok and now, my heart breaks a little whenever I passed by your house. 

Raya will never be the same again. No more silly jokes from you. The younger generation wouldn’t know how amazing of a granduncle you are. it’s a pity because it’s their loss.

O Allah, forgive Tok Awai and elevate his station among those who are guided. Send him along the path of those who came before, and forgive us and him, O Lord of the worlds. Enlarge for him his grave and shed light upon him in it. May Allah grant you the highest place in Jannah.

“Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return”

19.12.21

[rauraudiary]

Summary of 2021

I asked my boyfriend this question - “How was 2021 to you?”

And this question has lingered in my mind ever since. I told him the same exact thing. And yet, I do think about this question from time to time especially tonight. 

2021 has been a rollercoaster ride for me. I was feeling a whole lot of different emotions and dealing with new emotions as well. At the same time, I was also reflecting and solving new challenges along the way. I lost and gained a few relationships. 

I lost someone dearly at the start of the year. 

I felt suicidal at the latter part of the year. 

I found someone I love. 

Overall, 2021 was one of the most memorable year for me. I learned the many different sides of me. I learned new values and feelings. I am thankful to have gone through them this year and made me who I am today. Thank you, 2021. You have been the most harsh yet gentle, hateful yet loving, and sad yet beautiful year I’ve ever experienced for now. 

11.15.21

#Spotify

[rauraudiary]

Hello.

Hello to raurau’s first post entry drafted on a rainy Saturday night, 8 December 2021, on the bed, with Luna sleeping soundly near my blanket.  

It was just a sudden thought that I should resume logging in this Tumblr account that have not been logged in for years. Why I started it in the first place? I can’t remember. 

Hmm... where do I start? I felt the need to document my life’s important goals, stories, experiences and milestones. I tend to be very forgetful about a lot of things. This blog will make me recall back the events and emotions that I have gone through all these years. It will be nice to go back once in a while and laughed back at these old posts. 

To add on, I'm not expecting people to read this especially those who are close to me. (I will be so damn embarrassed about it). But if you do, please don’t laugh. 😂 After all, it’s a personal diary. 

Anyway, it’s getting close to the end of the year. What a better way to start my own diary, summarising 2021 right? 

Love, 

Raurau at 25

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