sad-sailor-m00n

[sad-sailor-m00n]

Replacing "I dont want to live" with "i dont want to live like this" was v helpful for me because it helped me figure out what parts of my life i was trying to escape and reminded me there are absolutely versions of myself i want to work towards and ways of living i havent experienced yet that i want to see

[sad-sailor-m00n]

the thing about living with mental illness for decades is that occasionally your brain will be like hey you're useless and should kill yourself and your only real reaction is cmon man right now im in the middle of something

[sad-sailor-m00n]

Me: damn this situation I'm in sure isn't ideal, what am I gonna do about this

Suicidal Ideation Man who lives in my brain: perhaps I have a suggestion ☝️🤓

[sad-sailor-m00n]

I joke a lot about being evil and having my villain arc but I think I'm actually evil now.

#vent #i hate my mom #i resent so much of my family in so many ways. #not all of them #but. #man.

[sad-sailor-m00n]

the feminine urge to kill yourself

[sad-sailor-m00n]

If I ever kill myself please remember that I'm fucking ecstatic about leaving this shithole of a place and pity all people that are still bound to their hopeless existence here

[sad-sailor-m00n]

Im thinking about suicide a lot these days

[sad-sailor-m00n]

it's never too late to start brushing your teeth again. i basically never brushed my teeth for a whole 10 years. a decade. A DECADE. i still struggle to brush my teeth once a week, but it all started with brushing my teeth once every few months. so i mean it when i say brushing your teeth once a week, a month, a year, or even a decade, is better than nothing.

and still, nothing is not shameful. it is not immoral to struggle with self care. and it is also not pointless to keep trying. anything you can do, even if its wiping plaque off with a towel, is enough. it is good to take care of yourself however you can, even if it's just trying to muster the will to. reading this post is good, too.

i believe in you and i am proud of you, even in the smallest of steps. it's okay. you can give yourself grace.

[sad-sailor-m00n]

Sometimes I really really understand why some women (or in my case, people AFAB) just cannot stand cis men. I definetly don't think like "rahhhh I hate every man ever" but when you ask a guy specifically not to say or do something to you because you're not in the headspace for it and then he fucking says or does it not even 15 minutes later it's just like. Well no wonder I see mfs go "I hate men"

#especially when these same guys are like wah why can't I find someone for me #like hey! maybe it's because you come off as way bigger of a jerk than you intend to??

[sad-sailor-m00n]

Shit be wack sometimes cuz I wanna end it all so badly sometimes because I feel like there's no future for me but like I have people close to me that love and care about me so like. I can't do them dirty like that and throw in the towel

#suicide ideation

[sad-sailor-m00n]

my favorite conspiracy theory is that they regret what they did to me

[sad-sailor-m00n]

my friends with depression: keep your birthday cards. i am begging you. i have mine in a drawer and when i start to feel especially worthless, i read through them and there’s my lost grandpa saying i love you, my favorite aunt’s funny cards, my parents actually writing heartfelt things, and doodles from friends from all throughout my life, usually with something innocent like “you’re cool, like your style.”

keep your birthday cards.

[sad-sailor-m00n]

I'm sick of hearing people talk. You're all wrong. You're all a waste of time and space. You're all an exact clone of one another. You're all equally insufferable and beyond saving

[sad-sailor-m00n]

Something I learnt:

When we think low of ourselves, we start to remove ourselves from public spaces because we feel terrible about ourselves when we see people who are doing much better at particular things. Through this slow and gradual removal, we completely isolate ourselves. We become inert. Self isolation leads to bigger and deeper downwards spirals and things start to seem out of control.

But we have to go out there. We have to be present in those places. It will feel terrible, absolutely terrible, to be there in the first few days or weeks or months but at some point, something, anything at all, will get better. It's inevitable. And maybe there's a chance that you'll find people who are struggling like you and know you're not alone. Or people who want to support you in this rough time. You won't know until you take the chance.

I know you're afraid to take those steps. I know it will hurt while taking those steps. But the result is so beautiful and worth it.

So put yourself out there. And do it at your own pace, take it as slow as you need or as fast as you want. But do.

[sad-sailor-m00n]

Me: I yearn for companionship

Also me after any social situation: it should be illegal for me to interact with others

[sad-sailor-m00n]

and the beat goes on da-da-dum da-dum

[sad-sailor-m00n]

People terrify me. They all scare me so much.

I'm pretty sure they would all turn against me given the chance, especially if they'd get to know me somehow.

I wish i could just stay in my room forever, away from them