saidtheking

[saidtheking]

I feel in love. Not in a romantic sense, maybe some undertones, but in a universal sense. The plot is feeling love for sharing, creating, receiving. I feel in love, as a person, connecting mentally and emotionally with another. The way I love my best friend, the way I love my parents, the way I love my dog. Not all love is romantic, it’s not exclusive to being in a relationship. Mmmm I don’t know. That’s how I feel. Maybe there is more that I’m unwilling to admit or can’t find the accurate translation for what I’m feeling.

[saidtheking]

Do you see what I’m doing, again? I’m conversing with myself. I’m my very own imaginary friend. I don’t remember when this materialized but I’ve gotten myself through some crazy shit. I’ve dragged myself out of my most intrusive thoughts. I’ve patented my own coping method. Downloading into myself, confiding in myself, saving myself. Building myself. I’m not the best architect, but I’ve learned a lot. The foundations are getting stronger.

[saidtheking]

I went to the gym yesterday. Against all odds, I got out of bed, weighed down by all this hoarded anger. Washed my face with tears. I just had to. I love running but hate the routine of getting prepared. Today I don’t feel like moving but that’s ok because I got out yesterday so there is no shame today. If I could just keep this up. If I can just keep getting up, I’ll be ok.

[saidtheking]

I don’t like the snow. It covers up, it briefly forgets. It’s avoidant of what’s underneath and when the sun comes to challenge it’s stability, it melts away and we’re all left to deal with the mud and slush. Let’s just skip the snow and fall straight into spring. Acceptance. Renewal. Growth.

[saidtheking]

I’ve always been such a calm storm but lately my heart beat feels like thunder and my eyes hold so much rain and my tongue tastes like lighting and my presence is made up of the darkest greyest clouds. I think I’m having a melt down. Any day now. It feels like white noise. A controlled frenzy. I’ve been manically pacing around without a purpose. Get out of bed, stand at the window, estranged, antagonized. Any day now.

[saidtheking]

He took me to meet his parents, he begged me to meet mine and I protested against it for 2 weeks before giving in. Every night he gave me the reassurance I never asked for. Every night he stopped by to give me a kiss while I slept. Everyday he planned something new for the months ahead. Every day he looked at me and told me he was happy. So no, I don’t trust and never will trust anyone again. Came in the middle of the night, gave me my keys back and left me crying without any conversation. “I got used to faking it”. No apology. No remorse. Not a care in the world and he didn’t even look back. You know, I don’t ask for anything, I avoid people as much as I can. Periodically I’ll let someone in because they seem good hearted enough. Now I see that anyone can fake that spark in their eyes. No matter how good, how giving, how honest you are. I was once again wrong to assume that goodness still exists.

[saidtheking]

Lets start off positive. 

What do I like the most about myself? 

I’m self aware and acknowledge all my weaknesses and negative personality traits, and I’m open about it. Yeah, I have social anxiety, I’m a snob, I act a bit posh towards others, I’m a pessimist, I hate when people look at me, I’m addicted to spending, I’m addicted to hating my body, I’m obsessed with calories, I’m not that smart, I’m impatient with myself and everyone around me. All of the above and ect, ect. But the positive side is...I’m aware. Sometimes I know it can be a problem. Money, relationships, extreme dieting. I can only fix one thing at a time, at a very sluggish pace. I’m nearing 28 and I’m in a place where I have what I want, but I’m not protected. I have meltdowns at work, I can’t wake up to my alarms, I have no energy because i have toxic dieting and workout habits. I knew my body would break down on me eventually. Well, I can’t blame my fractured ankle on my diet, but I definitely feel like I deserve this.  Like the universe is forcing me to to just...sit still. Really reflect on me, and what I need to be doing to better myself. What am I supposed to do with all this downtime? On aa regular day, I work, shop, clean, go to the gym, spend time with my dog, clean more, workout more and obsess over finding a career path. I never really give myself time to just sit and think and really take myself seriously. Well, my first instinct is to sit and suffer in silence for the next 6 months, naturally. But then I think, well I've been wanting to gain my painting and drawing skills back, so i could use this time to tap back into my artistic hobbies. And then, after paying rent and realizing that 60% disability just absolutely isn’t livable I also remembered how all year long I’ve been saying out loud that I need to get out of the warehouse and find real work that i can gain real skills with that are easily transferable to other jobs. Being a warehouse associate for 5+ years and military just isn't all that amazing on a resume. I hope I can get this work from home job I’ve applied and interviewed for. I hope this company will take a chance on someone like me with no experience. I really need the extra money but also, I just really need to explore more than just manual labor work. I’ve been rough on my body, not to mention it feels so old, even before the broken ankle. 

It’s been 3 weeks of complete chaos. Who knew being temporarily handicapped would be so extremely stressful and restless. I’m a grown adult woman and after being pampered by my mom my whole life, its definitely TOUGH doing everything on my own now when i need pampering the most. I’ve been stressed out, crying, in pain and having anxiety attacks everyday. I just really need this new job to ease the stress. I don’t want to be mad at anyone but I wouldn't be this stressed out if i was still able to work my normal hours at my normal pay rate.   

I did start off positive right? This is usually how i write. I try my best to start off with something good but some how i always find the negative.

#me

[saidtheking]

“I empty myself with light Until I become morning.”

— Charles Wright, closing lines to “33,” Littlefoot: A Poem (Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2007)

[saidtheking]

journalofanobody:

“June, July, August. Everything wrong, and nowhere to go.”

— Mary Oliver, from “August,” Devotions: The Selected Poems (Penguin Press, 2017)

[saidtheking]

“memory taps a gun to your inner skull & demands you bring back the dead”

— Donte Collins - “Grief, Again” (via buttonpoetry)

[saidtheking]

“And always in my grief I wish I were powerful, a god—and if I was, if I ever could be— I promise I would never make you suffer.”

— Brennan Sprague, from “Elegy for the Exit,” The Shore (no. 1, Spring 2019)

[saidtheking]

“I have pasts inside me I did not bury properly.”

— Ijeoma Umebinyuo, from “Confessions”, published in “Questions for Ada” (via weltenwellen)

[saidtheking]

journalofanobody:

“eternity burns inside of me / raw and violent with stars”

— Ilona Karmel, from “The Demand,” A Wall of Two (University of California Press, 2007) (via luthienne)

[saidtheking]

“Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.” - David Foster Wallace

[saidtheking]

She sunbathes in salfate Furs because she can. She holds rose petal Purses, short-shorts, tells men no, gets away With it. She can’t taste bit-tongue blood, feel pain, Hear anything. She puts on Ken’s clothes and Kills it, each night. I bury her alive Alongside my secret thoughts, of I think There are women—I would love—to turn into.

— Prince A. Bush, from “I Bury Her Alive,” published in Homology Lit

[saidtheking]

“Years ago a friend of mine had a dream about a strange invention; a staircase you could descend deep underground, in which you heard recordings of all the things anyone had ever said about you, both good and bad. The catch was, you had to pass through all the worst things people had said before you could get to the highest compliments at the very bottom. There is no way I would ever make it more than two and a half steps down such a staircase, but I understand its terrible logic: if we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.”

— I Know What You Think of Me, Tim Kreider for the New York Times

[saidtheking]

my house is haunted because i live here