sanfranciscoyoginigypsy

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

then thing about collin is that he is just so hard on himself and i think his mindset can rub off on me and make think negative of myself he just thinks negatively of others, himself, situations, and experiences. and i choose not to be around that its just not good to be around bc it can change my mindset too. 

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

Love and friends is all we need

my life is so good honestly like all of it.

I have great memories and experiences and relationship with my brother and wouldn't change it for the world, and when I listen to Zeppelin, I feel him still here, in my heart. 

& damn I still have the same kick ass friends I had in Highschool and I had such great high school memories, and tomorrow is going to be like a high school reunion but except it’s with all my closest and favorite people ever instead of high school lol. It’s so beautiful, all my musician friends that were just starting as musicians each have their own show now and I'm so excited to see them play tomorrow!! Jake & Zach’s band= modular sun, Sam’s band with FUCKING JOHNNIE AND BRANDON FUCK IM SO EXCITED TO SEE THEM FUCK , and lakehouse with my former band john and dillion before I moved. SO fucking stoked. and collin, zane, caryna, cameron, liz, literally fuck just all the cool people will be there and it'll feel like a birthday party honestly I'm so fucking excited dude like i cant even sleep tonight. and today was so good, i did some good yoga and ate some good food i ate berries and a vegan protein shake my dad gave me and a sandwich with kale and spinach and lettuce and pickles and mustard and avocado it was so damn good and i ran from Zilker to south congress and had so much fun on my own and these guys said damn u looking good girl and that made me feel so fucking good about it and i did feel so great.. I love Austin, it was so beautiful today sunny and everyone was out walking on a monday afternoon. Akashi picked me up and we went to bouldin cafe its a vegan cafe then went to a guitar pawn shop then i drove home to my beuaitufl family and house and jammed to hendrix funk and zeppelin then zane picked me up and e went to monkey nest cafe and i had green tea and he had a macchiato and then we saw disaster movie BUT he payed for everything and I'm wondering if it was a date i have no idea he was being super nice and it looked like he wanted to hold my hand in the theaters like he had his hand like literally in my space in my seat and it was open but dude i dont know if this guy has a girlfriend still like the pics they posted were only like a few weeks ago and he has her picture in his wallet but idk friends to pay for each other i dont think and dillion did the same thing where he paid for us both for a movie and art museum and food but idk i just feel like my life is a movie and what i want out of it in the future is happening now like i can easily be a yoga teacher at the ashram rn and like people i haven't see in a while we are uniting and having fun and I'm being taken out on dates by a portion of my friend group (guys) from my senior year in high school and me and brendon went to see a kick ass punk show last night where we moshed and damn we talked about how for their senior graduation we saw fucking metallica and damn i have so many good memories and I'm only making more now i cant wait for tomorrow and theres so many people iw ant to see and hang out with i need to make a list and plan this week since its my last freaking week): no regrets though i spent time with family and had a lot of fun .. my dad wants to run downtown with me tomorrow and carina wants to take pics and today kevin wanted to do a photoshoot with me honestly its soo good here and right now i cant believe it like I'm having so much fun like overnight last week i went to shows bc of free week and saw so much talent and just damn its so good and me and collin confessed our attraction to each other and i miss him i haven't seen him in a while but he's another sweet guy that pays for everything and is super talented and i cant wait to see tomorrow i just cant believe it like time goes by and i still have the same friends and we are escalating in life like zane is going to paramedic school and i ran into him at golds gym and he just emsaged me he's still cheesing and wants to spend so much time with me before he leaves and I'm glad he enjoys my presence for who i am like i dont hold back and I'm just having so much fun and now tomorrow me and caryna are going to north loop but damn I'm gonna have to cancel on my dad on that run but maybe i can make it up to him for lunch on wednesday or something and we can run on like a saturday and go out to eat ?? or maybe we can do north loop on a weekend?? hmm ill figure it out but i seriously feel like my life is a movie like i have two homes and two families in two bad ass cities and i want to start blogging more and maybe getting a more serious structure and type with my blog 1.9.17

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

I am aware that i expect so much from myself but it is only because i realize my full potential and the fire I have in myself> But i am not a perfect human being and I cant be all these things that i want to be in one day or even in one year. 

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

so to help with my insecurity and depression and anxiety, I want to push myself. Before starting my day, I want to do yoga and meditate, like I use to. I can do 1 hour of yoga and maybe 10 minutes of meditating. Because that’s what helps. & again, it’s okay I've been insecure and stuff, I'm just impatient and expect too much out of myself. I cannot be a perfect person, but I can make myself healthy. I’ve been working out as in running and stuff, which is a step up. I also want to be up early for breakfast with my family. For the past two weeks i’ve been sleeping in until 12 and it leaves me fuzzy and stuff throughout the day. I slept with jon (which was a huge lesson and really unpleasurable sex and experience overall) and i didnt go to bed until 5 am! This, is all okay. it is all a learning lesson and I needed some time to relax and just you know, not be hustling, my body thanks me for the sleep, but now my mind is telling me we can get this done in more sufficient ways. I want to, atleast, start getting up at 9 am. 10 am still feels too late, but at the least. & running at bilker. The weather cleared up and it’s been sunny. I also want to learn a few things on guitar... Maybe I can ask a friend to teach me or do it myself , either way... or piano. So i notice I do a lot of wanting,.. from the outer universe and inner universe of my self, but let’s talk about things achieved and appreciated. I appreciate the family and beautiful home I have. I appreciate how i came out here on my own at benny coffee to write this, and I'm glad i went to the gallery, even though i was there for 4 minutes and believed it was unenjoyable, I am glad I atleast stacked through to a plan and made it. I appreciate I am healthy and have all my limbs. That would suck if I wasn’t healthy and didnt have my limb. I am appreciative to when i see something i am stressed out or can easily be stressed out about, but try to fix it or say it isn't real. Like the whole san rancsico thing. Im stressed, it’s okay, but it isn't that fun. But Sam told me, “life isn’t always fun”, and what the fuck, I'm there to make dough dude. who else could say they live in san francisco mainly because they make over $4,000 a month for living there. & I live in a  fucking yoga society, that’s so fucking cool and good for me.. so fucking good for me. I am so rude and mean to my parents , and they accept me always and either way. Also, In every decision I make i second guess. tonight i am seeing a man i met on tinder and i second guess by saying what are you doing! you’re wasting time with men! He just texted me he was on his way and I got so nervous and that thought came into mind. But earlier, I really wanted a man’s attention. So there is always a second voice/opinion in decisions and stuff. I wonder if that ever stops. You know? I wonder if it’s a good thing.. The soho book i read said i must not have a belief in one thing, because it leads to disappointment or something like that , but to have hope in both outcomes.. Makes sense. Maybe it’s fine I have these thoughts , but I shouldn’t let them bother me so much, I should just let it come , and go. Realize theres two thoughts, two different arguments and opinions, but still live in the moment and accept the experience and outcome. Which I guess I've been doing, Before I saw jon i was very excited, During it, it sucked and i hated it, and at the end i was like damn this dude wouldn't even finish the santana song I was trying to show him, and i was so dry the whole time, he sucks. But i accepted it and moved on. That one seems too easy. He acts unattractive and annoying, and I'm over him. Although, if there was a light, it would have made it a bit difficult. bc I shine da light on his face and damn, it just takes control of everything when Is ee him. those tired eyes. his face. but him, he sucks.

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

1.5.17

since being back In Texas, I’ve been a little.. insecure, anxious, moody, depressed, lost, and a lot of things. I like to blame it on being in austin, but really it’s just being in break and not having anything to do or any responsibility. Im sleeping in, hanging out, grieving , and having a lot of time to think about my future and what to do tomorrow, and today. Ive been indecisive with what to do and how to do it. I’ve been attached to ideas ad plans, causing me to be insecure or not enjoying it. Like today, I planned to go downtown and run and go to a coffee shop and show and art gallery. Although my parents set up a family therapy and so I decided to do that in between plans and not do what i planned to do the whole day although my mom said they'd understand that i planned a day so its okay if i dont show up it doesn't have to be a big deal but i still made it a big deal and shit and I just get anxiety over small things now.. I guess i should stop alcohol or weed consumption because I feel like it activates that. It activates insecurity, anxiety, and depression. I can barely do things on my own. Atleast in San Francisco I am forced todo things on my own , but here i ask people to do things for me and shit and drive me places an just be with me always. It’s something I'm aware of, but I'm also not wanting to beat myself up for it. I need to be nicer to myself. I had a suicide moment again and lashed out and treated my parents like shit. It was awful, but i called jacob and he asked if I've been nice or loving or caring for myself and i broke down crying saying no. I need to be nicer to myself 

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

happy 2018 happy new year

I'm really focusing on accepting things and moving forward from them. the party tonight, people were asking if i was going to have anew years kiss and i feel like earlier in the year mary would be sad and think of sam as one and benear him and dumb but now I'm like whatever its cool if it doesn't happen thats not the point who cares and I've just been so smart lately and I'm focusing on me i want to feed my self with spiritual, musical, and yoga knowledge i want to be more healthier more vegan more yoga more guitar playing and naturalness today for my shower i used baking soda and apple cider vinegar and my hair is so beautiful i love it i love myself i was so happy today and mostly bc i accepted myself and made myself happy and my mom said i looked so 70s tonight like donna and i felt so pretty I'm really happy with everything i cant complain although before sam said good bye we looked at the tv and he said ya i like maroon 5 they're (the main singer) is a babe, he's a good musician, a jazz musician, very smart..and i just stared at the ground and tried so hard not to say anything like “u just described yourself” or “thats exactly what i think of u and I'm glad i didnt bcc brennon said that if i flirt or say anything it'll just push him away and to just stay friends and thats what ill do i love myself i wanna focus on music i am starting to get into santana today i played guitar hero with babe at pinball and we played black magic woman and there was the sickest solo and since then I've been so into santana my favorite song right now is europa its so so so sick and literally i watched a live video just now and teared up but ir remember watching watermelon and easter hay and getting this same inspiration and muse and wes montgoemery too made me cry a lil damn so much good musician and good guitarist and I'm fucking bad ass I'm a sick person who likes good music better music taste than anyone i know lol carlo would've loved it

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

we all have our iddferent copping mechanisms but all u nee d is love

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

i have to be here for me his family is not here for him I'm his family

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

realize what I'm here for my parents and guitar playing everything else i just extra not a neccesityy but especially parents i love them so much they do so much for me damn it especially my god damn dad i wish i could give him the world poor man  damn it so lonely and sad fuck

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

the thing is i need to be nicer to my self too jacob asked me if ivebeen loving myself and i cried so much sand said no I've been so rude and evil and mean to my self and it all start with my inner universe and reflects on my outer i will practice self love yoga and shower tomorrow 

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

i haves much opportunity so much fucking opportunity more than anyone in my family ever more than anyone in this fucking city this is fucking ridiculous i need to not be such a brat this is all my dad all my parents they made this happen for me this is my heaven i need to wake up and quit wasting time 

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

and bc i dont work i need to use this time wisely like this shit is important i have so much money and no worries and plans and a future and I'm just being so ridicuousl and hard on my self and the world and hurting my parents i need to grow up i need to become independent i need to understand i have everything right here and like sam said i can think about getting knocked up (bc I'm so horney and crave sex) or i can focus on my future and goals idk idk idk whatever

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

guitar

yoga 

more time with myself and planning and dieting

vegan (plat based diet)

working out

no self pity BE NICER to self

be nicer to parents especially dad look back and reflect organize grow up

realize friends and experiences come and go- must move forward

understand- nobody will love me or do things for me as much as my family, i am uncomfortable around friends but bc i get so much from my parents I've even become a brat. my parents deserve to be around me. they've done so much for me so fuckig much more than anyone else has. my mom said they dont wanna celebrate anything especially new years like they wanna go back to last year not celebrate things year last year where it was all four of us I'm so sad they're sad grief is horrible what my brother did was horrible they dont deserve this they're such great parents this is crazy more people have lived through worse we are literally in heaven thislfie is so good like look at fucking me this is my fucking heaven i need to open my fucking eyes i dont have a damb worry in the world and that stupid shitty gift cards i lost made me suicidal I'm so fuckign ridiculous i can pay for that shit with the money the government gave me i need to grow up i dont have a damn worry in this fucking world this is my golden time dude like for fucking real

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

the thing where i lash out on my parents for no reason and they dont deserve it or me happened again. First , i got like 3 hours of sleep then i decide to do yoga and workout and long story short my dad didnt take me and i lost my wallet my wallet is completely fucking gone and it had all my gift cards and clipper card and eat card and everything dude and my dad helped me out to find and it and looked at the cameras and room and no sign then my mom helped they basically were helping so much and going out of my way and dad was about to drive to elena by himself to get my receipts to see if i could still get the credit for those gift cards (turns out i cant) and drive al way downtown to kersey but my dumb ass made him wait and he got mad i didnt clean the bathroom and i got mad that he got mad i said now is not the time I'm starting to calm down and you're basically ruining it and damn my whole emotions went crazy i was treating them like shit and he left and i texted him I'm suicidal basically b c i feel worthless and unappreciated by them and they just watch tv and i honestly feel that way and i told my mom she doesn't care about me bc all they do is watch tv and blaming my suicide on her and i sat on gybed for like 3 hours thinking about how it would feel to have a gun in my mouth and i was cutting my wrist with a knife but not too bad it didnt leave anything but i got bad really bad i told dillion jacob jon kim and my parents and my mom was crying and saying I'm judging them for how they're grieving and they just want to be distracted by tv and i feel bad i do judge them our family is so different now all they do is watch tv and kind of ignore any emotional pain from one and other like me and not a lot of comfort on christmas i cried so much so so much and none of them comforted me they just watched me kind of and i guess we just do it differently they wanna be alone and i wanna be comforted anyways i was a piece of shit daughter and i have no idea what they're going through and my mom said my dad has it 100 times worse which i believe i just wish ic an help and fix them but i cant especially my dad i just want to fix them and help thumbnut i cant i cant i cant do anything I'm so mean to my dad just like in any situation I'm so fucking mean to him its unbelievable  you'd have no idea its like everytime he opens his mouth I'm shitty and sassy and a piece of shit and all he does is help me like i got a ticket and i didnt have my license and of course they got upset but i was a piece of shit about like wtf what do i expect them to say and he drove see to get a license when we are shit out of luck they're closed and he offered to drive me here and here for my wallet when cars make him anxious and all this shit and he got me a gym member ship i didnt have to pay and he got me groceries i dont know i just want to be a good daughter but idk how i like just literally dont know how like when I'm away from them i get these ideas but i dont fuckking do it ever when I'm here i just need to set goals and understand why I'm here and to set boundaries to things i do like too much drugs is no no and my “friends” kind of make me uncofrtobalme too like there nothing talk about besides dillion and collin honestly i love both of them I've hung around them the most they both make me laugh so much and do so much for me honestly id date them i think about kissing them like 5 times when were together but i hold back tonight collin literally drove me to check the parking lot for my wallet and he's just so funny and makes me smile and laugh and he's so good on guitar and kind of cute and just he's also a troubled child a drug addict and i want to help and dillion is soo funny and i wanna do what he's doing in ATX and he's sweet too but hes also a good friend like a really good these guys are just good friends idk i miss carlo so much but i can move on but my parents its like whats next like nothing else makes them happy or excited or wanna do anything like they're depressed everyday my mom said and they're adults and they are not idk what theyre experiencing or going through i dont know anything 12-31-17

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

whenever I'm sick mama keeps me company and gives me medicine and rubs my head and loves me and watches movies with me but i dont even do that with her when she's sick i just leave her alone imagine how she feels about that prob the same way or even more mad but doesn't say anything anyways ya we aren't all perfect

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

it’s okay, we’re not all perfect. Papa came in and asked me to work out with him and gave me his headphones and when we were out he was twitching a little bit because he said a lot of cars make him nervous. We’re not all perfect, but they love me. they may not emotionally be there for me , but they care, and that’s ok. I have friends that cant emotionally be there for me, but i still keep them around . its also fine to have felt so angry and sad earlier. i felt unwanted and left alone. I've been rejected by all the men I've been interested in, but at the same time, one point in our lives I've rejected them before that happened to me. So they're not rejecting me, they're rejecting the idea because of certain circumstances. Having girlfriends or inner conflicts. Completely fine. Everything’s fine. we aren’t all perfect, they stop me from eating meat and cheese and they do things for me only parents would. they love and care about me. and I've cried in front of them before and they've been there 100 percent and even more. with advice and love. it’s fine. I'm fine/

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

im so full of emotion. so much range and sadness. I am so disappointed in my family. I'm crying in my dads car so much and all he did was drop me off at a grocery store to get what i need and let me go by myself while I'm crying. and i come home and my mom sees me crying but doesn't do anything but stuff her face with chicken nuggets and watch tv. ALL MY FUCKING FAMILY DOES IS WATCH TV. THATS ALL THEY FUCKING DO. JUST SIT ON THE COUCH AS SOON AS THEY WAKE UP AND WATCH TV AND THEN TURN IT OFF AT NIGHT TO GO TO SLEEP OR DO THE SAME THING IN THEIR ROOM. AND I've been so explicit to my dad about my acne and he doesn't even comfort me none of them do they don’t know how ti be normal beings he puts more emotion into the traffic in front of him then to his own daughters sadness and on christmas i was crying so much and no one comforted me i missed carlo so much that day and all they did was just look at me and not say anything its so sad it makes me think how dysfunctional this family is and how i dont want to be around them they drain me and dont comfort me they give more attention to that fucking television than anything else in this whole entire world i came here for winter break and they give attention to that fucking tv more than they do to em

That’s just so crazy that when you are responding emotionally- you have a biological response. like crying , i become so sad and enraged that my eyes become watery and my nose becomes runny and all these things happen when i feel sad.