scarvoices

[scarvoices]

Someone recently reached out .... and I’ve been twisting things around in my head for a while.

Hey y’all....

This isn’t an easy to write. I feel like the piece of me that used to run SCaR all those years ago is finally at rest. They don’t need to be rustled or poked back into existence- it wasn’t a healthy place for me to be. 

But  messages prove that people still think of them from time to time. Worry about them.

About me. Because as much as I talk about Kris from SCaR these days as a ghost, that was me. 

So this is to say, I’m still alive for anyone who was worried. Alive and well. I’m married, living in a little two bedroom apartment with my wife. It’s blue, very very blue. I’ve worked hard to make it ours, to claw a space for myself. I work 50+ hours a week and am currently trying to work on my life balance. I say life balance because the truth is I am still happiest while I am working. My job is wonderful and fulfilling. I am making a difference, even if it is only in the lives of a small number of people.

I don’t get messages about saving people’s lives anymore, but I don’t get them about destroying them either. I look back at who I was and just see a bleeding wound who never listened to the age old advice about putting your own oxygen mask on first. And as much as I cherish the fact that I did help some people, I also understand that at times I was a mess. That for some, it was even anxiety inducing to watch. I apologize for that.  I know how scary it is to watch someone light themselves on fire. 

I want you to know that I’m in a better place now. That I sleep 8 hours a night consistently and my wife makes sure that I eat dinner and drink water. That I’ve been working on my physical health- did you know that if you’re flat footed, you can fix that? I didn’t even realize that was possible. It wasn’t a goal I set out to achieve, but as I’ve worked on my body’s balance I’ve grown an arch. How wild is that?

My father finally passed, last fall. I know many people in my life know how he struggled with his health, and how exhausted and scared I was for him all the time. A heart attack took him the week he was diagnosed with cancer. I am still grieving- but I bought a beautiful windchime in his honor and it’ll hang facing the roses we planted last year. He always loved roses. And I made a photo book of all the photos that we’re both in. Trauma means I still don’t remember those times, but the photos are a firm reminder that it happened. That he was there, and there were moments of happiness.

That’s where I’m at on my trauma journey. Less walking wound, more perspective.

I hope that you all are well too. I hope the years aged you with kindness, and that you weathered the storms that came with them. That there were glimpses of joy and humanity in the years that have passed. I wish you rest in the future. I wish you softness and not needing to be tough to survive.

I thought I would be a wound forever, that the blood could never wash from my teeth. C-PTSD is a lifelong illness.

But these years between now and then have taught me that it doesn’t always have to look the same.  If this message imparts anything, I hope it imparts that. That life can grow around the pain.

Take care of yourself today, okay?

#this is a bit disjointed but I suppose #what else would you expect from me? #Some things don't change my friends #some things don't change #I know I am writing to ghosts #that most of the people who were around back then are gone #left tumblr and moved on with their lives #I wish them well too #I hope their lives are full of wonder #I hope joy sneaks up from them the way triggers once did #and if you weren't around then but are around now- #I wish you compassion #I wish you humanity and all the little things #You didn't see me burn and that is all the better for you #Maybe the skeletons of my work that still exist continue to bring resources to people

[scarvoices]

I did not tell you apparently, which means I also didn’t tell you what I worked on while he was /in/ the hospital.

SO

I’m working on a new ‘zine along the lines of the Dear Friends series that is all about choosing to go to therapy and the process of finding a therapist and first appointment type stuff. It will talk about reasonable and unreasonable expectations, about setting appropriate boundaries. About shit that therapists like to go down the list and ask about. Setting a self care plan for ‘The Process’ of finding a therapist. things like that.

It is going to be in two pieces. one will be more of the ‘read this’ nature. the other will be the ‘fill me out and take me with your therapist appointment’ side.

So, in the nature of me asking things:

What are things that you wish you’d known going into therapy?

What are things you think someone going to therapy for the first time might need to be told about?

[scarvoices]

So one of the things we have discussed doing with the... other.

is similar to SSO.

Except I want them to be themed around a question/idea

and we would collect... advice, personal stories, etc that center around that theme. 

So this is me.

Asking what you all would like to talk about/like to hear other survivors talk about?

#My dad is out of the hospital #did I tell y'all he was back in with the kidney failure again? who knows #my brain has not been a brain it has been a #a rough few months #But he is out #and he had surgery and he is well enough that he wants to go back to work #not sure if he's allowed yet #ANYway point being #I am interested in doing a thing

[scarvoices]

Out source request:

Do I have anyone who would be willing to work with me on the ‘self care’ pages for the website?

Just like with the other requests, it’ll be in a mutual google doc- so no worries that like.. you have to have it perfect or that you’ll miss something and I’ll be upset. 

Self care as some of you know, is not my specialty. At least not in the... more traditional sense.

[scarvoices]

What are some things y’all wish non survivors writing survivor characters knew?

[scarvoices]

That all being said, some of the ones that got cut were also cut because they weren't... really resources. and I am kind of thinking about going through and looking over some of those and maybe releasing... a book on my thoughts and theories about recovery after trauma? Because I apparently have a pretty unique outlook that people like and I would like to give people somewhere to see those thoughts formulated... that is easier to reference than like 'yo Kris wrote a post about x back in 2013'

quietlymyself replied to your post “also, considering I figured out the ebook thing- do any of y’all have……”

is that something where we’re gonna do all of them, with this question just being which do we do first? bc i have no preference on what order they’re in, i do think we should do all of them though.

Honestly?

I probably will not do all of them.

One thing I’m realizing trying to do the resources for the other?

Is… how many things have to be completely redone.

The masterlist is over 70 items long. and that’s not including where there are subposts (like the But! series or the types of rape) one.

The list of pieces to be worked over to go up on the site?

is only 30.

[scarvoices]

ngl one of the most exciting prospects that comes with actually getting that non profit paperwork finished-

is the possibility of doing a camp like we used to talk about. There’s a couple of places that I can rent a space for pretty fucking cheap but we have to be an ‘org’ first.

I’ve been floating the idea recently of...

Ways that people could interact with the camp without being able to attend?

One thing I really want to do- is have the PO box out there and specifically request people to send things they would like read and burned.

and as a scout one thing we did was collect ashes? and carry them on to a new fire later or keep them.

I also like the idea of collective art projects. I miss SSO so much. I miss... talking to you guys.

#I need to check the PO box too

[scarvoices]

quietlymyself replied to your post “also, considering I figured out the ebook thing- do any of y’all have…...”

is that something where we're gonna do all of them, with this question just being which do we do first? bc i have no preference on what order they're in, i do think we should do all of them though.

Honestly?

I probably will not do all of them.

One thing I’m realizing trying to do the resources for the other?

Is... how many things have to be completely redone.

The masterlist is over 70 items long. and that’s not including where there are subposts (like the But! series or the types of rape) one.

The list of pieces to be worked over to go up on the site?

is only 30.

#quietlymyself

[scarvoices]

also, considering I figured out the ebook thing-

do any of y’all have... priority requests re: turning some of the masterlist type shit into ebooks?

[scarvoices]

So this isn't a survivor win quite yet, but this Saturday will be three months without cutting.

Three months is such a big deal, and I am so, so, proud of you for making it this far. Here to three months, and hopefully- many more than that!

#self harm tw #survivor win #survivor wins #Kris really loves #bpdchinchillamom

[scarvoices]

okay so this is more of a general life win, but i managed to graduate college this week and do most of the paper work for registering as unemployed and such things (which was exhausting, but i managed to do most of it!!)

General life wins are still wins!

And I’m so proud of you, and good luck on finishing the rest of your paperwork!

#survivor win #survivor wins #Kris really loves survivor wins #but no really #I'm usually of the opinion #that like #we are survivors #and that interacts with a lot of things #so a lot of general life wins are survivor wins #you managed to make it through college while dealing with the stuff that comes with this #and that is so amazing #badsurvivor

[scarvoices]

If you have any wins for this week, you should totes share them.

#I'm having a really rough time? #It's my niece's birthday and I'mma hella suicidal because that's a great combination #suicide tw #so getting to celebrate someone elses wins with them right now would be a nice?

[scarvoices]

[Image description: An e-book cover in black and white, it’s an extreme close-up of the Roman Colosseum. The title ‘Rome’ is written in gray. ‘There are some places you can’t help but return’’ is toward the bottom with the author’s name K.L. at the very bottom in small white font.]

They always told James that all roads led to Rome. When a job offer takes him back to the town he grew up in, and the trauma he faced there, he begins to understand what that statement really means.

Trigger Warning: Themes surrounding childhood trauma, and worries about being a parent because of it. There are no graphic descriptions, but if these topics are hard for you, take precautions.

Rome is the first in a series of short stories that are meant to raise money for the Trauma Survivor Library. Each story will either deal with survivor themes or have a survivor main character. Rome can be purchased here for $2.99.

The Trauma Survivor Library is a work-in-progress non-profit that will aim to bring accessible, gender neutral resources to interpersonal trauma survivors as well as curate and boost the voices of those survivors.

[scarvoices]

I’m like, dead on my feet but also please enjoy this cute short video of the bunny cleaning his feetsies. 

[scarvoices]

So we’re not going to talk right now about how expensive servers/paperwork are going to be because I’m already in a mood regarding money.

But one of the conversations that happened re: fundraising for that type of thing over on facebook

was basically the idea of novellas/short stories. 7-15k range sort of thing. 

I already have a couple plotted out and I’ve already started working on the first- and depending on how well? they do, it may be something I continued to do (because ideally, long term goal, would be SSO inspired anthologies where I would be able to pay people selected for the anthology.)

Basically each of the short stories- will at the minimum, include a survivor as a main character. My current plotted ones- the story /revolves/ around their survivorship.

For instance, the one I’ve started on is about... returning to the area the trauma happened and trying to deal with the feelings it brings up both about past self, the place, and the trauma/abuser.

my question is twofold:

What topics would you like to see covered

and would anyone be interested in seeing somewhere survivorship is /not/ the point of the story. (say- a romance piece. Where one person is a survivor, it is brought up/talked about/incorporated in the story- but at the end of the day, the main plot is ‘romance’)

Additional details: If I go the amazon route, which would be... easiest. They’d be about 3 dollars and if I understand correctly, 70% of that would go back to the non profit.

if I don’t go the amazon route.... I’d have to talk to some people much better at e-books than myself re: how to make sure they’re properly formatted to show up on people’s stuff. but I think at this point, Amazon might be my best bet.

#I have a couple of betas for fiction stuff #so thankfully they should be polished by the time they reach anyone #considering I put two words at random in this post before editing it #but I'm also really fucking tired #yesterday was my birthday/also my traumaversary #and after 13 years you'd think people would learn that I don't want it celebrated and I don't want it mentioned #and I got the news I didn't get the job that I was... counting on tbh

[scarvoices]

Asking for help is weird y’all. 

But I’m... I’m really excited about the conversations that are happening and how things are going so far.

Once we get a decent portion of the website ready to go, we’ll be able to move forward with the paperwork and things like that and start making decisions regarding active projects we want to happen.

It is... really weird trying to take what was essentially three years of work- and try to rework it in just a few months.

But being able to create a place with more resources- that I control. That there’s no worries about tumblr screwing it up. With more legitimacy. With less of the reservations that nontumblr users have about tumblr resources.

I have feelings y’all.

I have feelings.

[scarvoices]

Outsource request for the Non Profit:

My ehlers is... not being kind to my wrists these days. 

Do I have people who would be willing to commit to working on one or two resources?

Going through and rewriting them so that they’re more concise/better structured?

I’m willing to cowrite with you/give advice on formatting- but it would help a lot.

The information is already there for the most part- I might pitch in with new things I would have added from some of the earlier ones- so no worries about it being research intensive.