I think Iām going to get very very stoned and play a really stupid min-max character in BG3 because I feel. Extremely burnt out in a way I donāt entirely understand??? And I like. Need. To put my brain to sleep. And I think in a way Iāve gotten to a place with act 1 of BG3 where itās likeā¦ just enough active thought to be comfortable but not enough to be stressful, so I just like. Itās the Tetris concept of PTSD theory.
Where your brain engages that sweet spot of problem solving and not being in a high stress situation. And you learn to regulate your like. Stress levels a little. Idk. Iām getting the theory wrong but like. It helps in some ways and Iām also extremely stoned. Good night.
How. Do I convince my mom to go to therapy and which therapy is the best to start with.
Pretty sure she has ADHD and trauma in some forms but like. Iām not a doctor Iām just the child she used as a coping mechanism, and I like. Am not dealing with it.
Like DBT? Would it be DBT? Just. Grief counselling? Anything? I donāt know. And what if itās something else and Iām so brain fucked I wasnāt able to tell? I wish. I had help. Honestly this is overwhelming and scary sometimes.
I donāt know whatās normal thoughtlessness and whatās āseph you donāt exist because youāre the person who has never been a consideration until youāre an inconvenienceā which is a wild but potentially true thought. Iām. Very exhausted but sometimes the enormity of how unhealthy my momās treatment of me is will hit me and I just like. Feel a million years old. Itās like. Big and little and a very death by a thousand cuts, but also like. Damn, okay.
Gotta figure out how to get help for me for her. Last time I asked other people I got told to try harder, but Iāll ask other people this time.
Kabru trying his usual approach to undermining people against Laios is so funny. Itās like heās a grandmaster at chess, poker, and everything else that requires mind-games coming up to a guy, fully expecting to beat him at any game under any circumstances, only to realize he didnāt prepare for the one thing heād actually be faced with, which is a hotdog eating contest against a guy whose friends call him āthe vacuum cleanerā.
I very much need to make a DnD or BG3 fic where a healer has the mentality of necromancy like āa majority of healing magic is classified as necromancy. Serving life and perverting it is a balance you have to walk very carefully. Itās a philosophy that needs to be studied and doesnāt necessarily have a correct answer. The act itself is not necessarily what is wrong, itās the intention and consequences that need to be assessed and even then, Iām not a judge.ā
And even then if I was playing like, a Paladin who was a judge, or a follower of justice, like. They would be interested in following through on intent and consequences. Like, thatās the purpose of justice.
Idk ādark magicā fascinates me as a concept in fantasy because like. I want to know like. The why and how of what makes it taboo. And then likeā¦ why it could be justified because there has to be a reason for people to fall to it because otherwise its whole existence is kind of stupid as a concept beyond like āoooo hereās this other magic thatās probably just really powerful but it likeā¦ makes you evil. Or crazy or deformed or gives you cancerā which is like. Okay itās a metaphor for nuclear power or coal or something. Goddammit. Enough of this.
Dungeon Meshi really gets me as like. I grew up in a rural city, but my mom was raised on the outskirts of a rural farming village and like most of her family is farmers.
So like. The concept of āmeat is animalsā and like. Sometimes you hunt it, sometimes you farm it, sometimes animals are not fit for consumption so like donāt fucking eat that you dumb bitch (like. Poisonous. Or whatever. Idk.) has definitely skewed my opinion on like. I guess the meat industry.
Like Iām personally against factory farming for a number of reasons, multiple of them being moral, but some of them also being that they are unhygienic and lead to like. Unhealthy livestock and food output which often leads to worse conditions for people. Like I personally feel like factory farming is a bad system for everyone involved and often that includes the produce farms that exploit the workers. Itās not a vegan mentality really??
But also Iām fucking poor as shit and I can only really afford to buy whatās on sale, so the most I can hope to really do is raise awareness so hopefully the people who have power and money can like. Learn whatās going on and make choices and talk about it I guess with more awareness? Blindly condemning meat as violence is. Not going to make the change many people think itās going to make, but being aware of what the industry does cause and becoming more familiar and comfortable with the safe and responsible farming practices available to us is probably more likely to actually like. Win an argument here or there.
Food is so fucking important. And learning to appreciate and love the food you need to live is so important. And likeā¦ some of the reasons so much modern food makes people sick is the shortcuts in making it. Hormones in factory farming, the excessive gluten in American wheat, whatever the fuck is going on in the American Dairy system. This isnāt shaming people for needing that food to survive, this is likeā¦ āif your food is making you sick, why? Thatās a problem. Thatās a problem that can be fixed because itās not inherent to food. Itās something that has been caused and can be resolved.ā
You deserve better food. Look into why you donāt have it. Ask why. There are holes in your nutritional needs that might not be met because your flour is kinda garbage. But there could be a solution. Itās not totally hopeless and someone might have an answer.
Itās easier to do activism if youāve eaten a balanced diet and gotten good rest. And you need carbs, sugars and fats to digest the vegetables and fruits and fiber dense nutrients so remember that a balanced diet is the whole plate. You need that short term energy to access the long term energy, donāt listen to bad dieticians talk about how starches and sugars are only good for short energy and therefore useless, they donāt know what theyāre talking about. We need sugars to live. And if you bleed on a regular basis due to menses you probably have anemia in some way and should work on your iron. Like. Seriously. Itās an issues.
āBut thatās the purpose Iāve always servedāā
And then cut myself off because like. Hey? Donāt like how that sentence was feeling as a matter of how I feel like a thing necessitating a purpose to another person rather than an individual person who might exist with my own needs and purpose?hmm.
Iām like getting kind of stoned and watching dungeon meshi stuff and thinking like. āOh, I can just. Like. Make my own party of DnD adventurers from scratch.ā
And yeah I did know this, thatās what writing is. Obviously. But part of me had not fully had the eureka moment of like. Doing a party balancing plan for my own story idea. Like. āOh, I *can* create these characters like a DnD party but justā¦ of OCs I want to write and balance them as well as I want together in way that they could bounce off each other in compelling story ways *and* for combat. And no one would get mad because it would all be for me. Theyād be my OCs just for me.ā
And anyway thatās been my weird weed brain blast.
as a short person with a childlike appearance I feel Chilchuk to my core sometimes. I know part of it is just like. halfeet don't live as long as other races so they come to maturity faster and look like what other races approximate to be children for most of their lives. But also like. maybe covid isolation has aged me and it's no longer the case and I can now enter the world and suddenly *not* deal with everyone assuming I am a child. But mostly people assume I am *maybe* in my early 20s and treat me significantly different than my peers in ways it is hard to like... actually explain in words because half of it is vibes and disrespect and lack of options and opportunities and shit. and it's hard to like prove an absence of something or people being just slightly condescending or too nice or smiling differently or using a different tone of voice. but people who think you're a child instead of an adult *absolutely* act differently, and it's so hard to explain it to someone who doesn't notice the difference. and chances are if they find out you are an adult it's not that they'll think 'oh I'll adjust my behaviour' they'll think 'ugh, what's wrong with you that I thought you were a child?'
I do still need to read the manga though, this is an anime only opinion as a short grumpy asshole. but I empathize as a short grumpy asshole who has been disrespected multiple times and also had to say "okay show of hands, how many people here are surprised that I'm almost thirty?" once and *many* people raised their hands and it was very embarrassing. I don't want to repeat the experiment now.
toshiro is also autistic and clearly envies how much laios doesn't mask and is able to say whatever he's thinking outright (he literally says so after their fight). and he was raised as like a minor lord or whatever in feudal japan so he learned to mask early on and that combination of masking + raised in a high-context culture + being in a foreign land with different etiquette means that he'll go through herculean levels of discomfort to not upset any perceived group balance and only snaps when he's like three days away from dropping dead. which is also something he sees in falin btw and is a big reason why he's drawn to her. imo