shittyxmasromcomzone

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can someone please physically stop me from watching more bad lesbian christmas movies

#TO WATCH

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Oi, what the fuck’s a Hallmark Christmas movie?

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Hanukkah on Rye

Yael Grobglas, Jeremy Jordan

“I don’t know if this is more offensive to me as a Jew, or a comedian” - my dad’s review of this movie. He was kidding! Sort of.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a latke!!! Am I right?????

Ahem. So.

In this holiday romcom, Hanukkah takes the spotlight this time! Molly and Jake are matched together after their grandmothers set them up with a professional matchmaker service. Little do they or their bubbes know, though, that while they write letters to each other, they are also neighbors who have a snarky banter sort of friendship! How long will that friendship last, though, when they discover that both of their families run Jewish Deli Dynasties - and Jake’s is about to open a new location on the same street as Molly’s?

It’s a classic Parfumerie Shop Around The Corner She Loves Me You’ve Got Mail Scenario! Do you think that perhaps the power of love will overcome all? It’d be a Hanukkah miracle! Or is it Chanukah? 🤔

It’s mostly corny but sometimes cute, even though Jeremy Jordan is my parasocial nemesis and I get irrationally angry when I watch him overact. Still, I’m a sucker for the trope, and it’s nice to see a Hanukkah romcom among the Xmas 🕎

Does it pass the Bechdel-Wallace test? Technically!

Are there characters of color? Pretty much just Thomas.

But he's a star in my heart.

Are there LGBT characters? No

All in all, I’ll give it 5.5 out of 8 candles on the Menorah!

#hanukkah on rye #romcoms #3.5oo5 #hallmark movies

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Christmas at the Ranch

Amanda Righetti, Laur Allen

You know the movie about the city slicker and the ranch hand falling in love? No, the other one. No, the other other one.

Okay, so it’s been done. BUT have you seen the one about the girlboss and the cowgirl? That’s right. They’re lesbianin’ together.

Haleye is a confident city girl who returns to her family ranch at Christmastime to try to resolve the financial problems they’ve been having, and winds up thrown together with a snarky-but-secretly-down-to-earth ranch hand Kate. There’s a bristling tension building between them - disagreements on everything from how to manage the ranch to their fundamental philosophies on societal and personal values - but despite this, there seems to be a growing spark between them, and circumstances that start to reveal to each other their softer sides. And hey, you know what? Maybe together, they can save the ranch!

It has everything! Enemies to lovers! Snowed in! And there was only one bed! This is a really beautiful meld of all the classic romcom tropes, With Lesbians This Time™! And because every inch of the the plot is so predictable, their chemistry truly makes the movie stand out from the rest.

The soundtrack was distractingly bad, to be quite honest - had the vibe of an early 2000s television movie, but was made squarely in 2021. I have not heard scores that saccharine and lyrics so corny since the likes of that era’s Disney Channel Original movies.

But aside from struggling with some budget and quality issues (as any good shitty romcom should!) it’s a really cute movie and an overdue update to a classic cliche ❤️

Does it pass the Bechdel-Wallace test? YES! Frankly I think just by function of them being lesbians it destroys it, really

Are there characters of color? YES!

Are there LGBTQ characters? YOU BETCHA!

And look how cowgirl Kate uses a burnt match tip for eyeliner and still comes through with a perfect smokey eye:

Yeah. I’m looking respectfully 🤠👀

All in all, I’ll give it 4 out of 5 Golden Rings

#4oo5 #lgbt rep #lgbt lead #lead of color #christmas romcom #christmas at the ranch #wlw

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SOMETHING FROM TIFFANY’S

Zoey Deutch, Kendrick Sampson

It’s a classic good old fashioned bag swap!

Ethan and Gary (Ray Nicholson) are both at Tiffany’s looking for something special to give their ladies - Ethan an engagement ring for his girl Vanessa (Shay Mitchell), and Gary a sweet pair of earrings for Rachel. When Gary is hit by a cab leaving the shop, Ethan goes to help him - accidentally picking up the wrong bag.

Ethan and Rachel strike up a friendship after meeting in the hospital to check on Gary, and seem to have much more chemistry and compatibility than either of the actual couples.

But WHAT on earth will happen when those little blue boxes are eventually opened - by the WRONG WOMEN???

It’s a Christmukkah classic for the ages!!! (Rachel is Jewish!) (Look at her sweater!)

[You can even get one here yourself!]

Does it pass the Bechdel-Wallace test? YES

Are there characters of color? YES

Are there LGBTQ characters? YES

Look I’m sure the leading men are hot but I only have eyes for Rachel’s best friend Terri, played by Jojo T. Gibbs, and her girlfriend Sophia, played by Javicia Leslie. 11s out of 10. Hi.

Sort of wish there was a movie about them…

Honestly a really sweet and funny romcom!!! Not even shitty at all actually!!! I really really genuinely liked it ❤️

4.5 out of 5 Golden Rings - or maybe 5 huge ass $40,000 diamond engagement rings, from Tiffany’s of course 😉

#something from tiffany's #4.5oo5 #lead of color #christmas romcom #lgbt rep

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if i was the businessman boyfriend in a christmas rom-com and i had to put my life on pause to rent a car and go find my long-term girlfriend who fucked off to Wintercheer, Vermont only to find her shacked up with some hick in a puffy vest i would absolutely say fuck it and go four shots and a blunt mode with the weird santa claus stand-in who works at the christmas tree farm. balls and all with old st. nick i don't care anymore.

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Sending my most reliable corporate staffer to Connecticut to shut down a Christmas tree farm. Wish me luck

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The Noel Diary

NETFLIX

Justin Hartley, Bennett Doss

Heyyyyyyy! Here we are again - as our lord and savior Taylor Allison Swift once said, ‘tis the damn season. And I’m back at it again with the shitty xmas romcoms, amen hallelujah.

We’re starting off with a fun romp through the New England countryside, as Rachel and Jake road trip to track down Jake estranged father in order to glean information about Rachel’s biological mother, who she has never met but who, as it turns out, was once Jake’s nanny when he was young.

Jake, who by the way is a handsome and wealthy but oh-so-lonely famous novelist, finds himself starting to open up to Rachel along the way. As they drive, they read their way through bio mom’s diary, discovered while cleaning out Jake’s recently deceased mother’s house - the site of all his childhood traumas. The emotional walls aren’t the only problem, either - Rachel also happens to be engaged!

But unfortunately for Rachel’s fiancé, he kind of sucks, and she and Jake have a little too much in common for comfort. A shared mysterious past! A love of jazz music! Matching His & Hers Daddy and Mommy issues! What more could you ask for?

There’s a really great movie moment about halfway through their trip, when Jake starts telling Rachel the tragic story from his past as they wait in the car for a passing train: As Jake talks, the audible dialogue fades. Rachel hears the story, but we, the audience, don’t. It’s an oddly poignant moment of intimacy from a shitty xmas romcom, something worth noting.

Other highlights include a couple of really excellent meta moments:

Not to mention this extremely good girl:

Did it pass the Bechdel-Wallace test? Yes

LGBTQ characters? No

Characters of color? Yes

Attractiveness of the male lead? I polled the room and we agreed to award him an 8/10. Though it must be noted for the record that he “does nothing” for my mother.

All in all, I give this one a 4.5 out of 5 Golden Rings!

#4.5oo5 #the noel diary #justin hartley #bennett doss #christmas romcom #lead of color

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#🫢

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Midnight at the Magnolia

Natalie Hall, Evan Williams

I got my booster today and I’m starting to feel effects! So of course I’m going to spend my couch time watching the dumbest movies imaginable 😂😂😂

Jack and Maggie are best friends who have a local radio show together - their dads are boy best friends who own a jazz bar together, so the kids are practically family! When they get the chance to have their show go national, they end up having to pretend to be dating each other in order to secure the deal.

Look. We all just have to suspend our disbelief that two beautiful hot funny straight people would have the sense and self restraint to never have made a move on their family friend until their 30s. After you do that, this movie is a gem. Their chemistry is excellent, their secret handshake is funny, and the relationship is actually super interesting and compelling. I also love their dads’ friendship, it’s sweet.

Love how everyone talks about Chicago in this movie like it’s some little town. The actors all sound Canadian so I’m going to assume a Canadian is responsible for the writing, but I want to ask like, you know Chicago is a large city right. Having a “local” radio show in Chicago is like. Not the same as having a local radio show in, idk, Bismarck. No offense to Bismarck. Unless you deserve it.

I also love the trigonometry of this guy’s beard:

It seems to me more bearded individuals need to use that hypotenuse instead of following the curve of their cheekbones:

I’m so sorry Mr Reeves but I want to shave the corners off your squared beard so bad 🤷

ANYWAY I digress.

Does it pass the Bechdel-Wallace test? I don’t think so

Are there characters of color? No

Are there LGBTQ characters? No

All in all, 4 calling birds out of 5 golden rings!

#4oo5 #midnight at the magnolia #christmas romcom #new years romcom #evan williams #natalie hall

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still very badly want a christmas romcom where the real santa falls in love with a mall santa

#it’s what we deserve

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SINGLE All The Way

Michael Urie, Philemon Chambers

I love gay people. From the sultry soundtrack to the fact that the main character is a plant dad on plantstagram who proclaims he intends to be a guncle and plant lady forever, this movie is clearly by gays for gays. Thank Jesus H. Christ.

When perpetually single Peter finally finds himself in a stable relationship, he thinks he might just impress his neurotic but loving family by bringing home a boyfriend for Christmas. Unfortunately, his perfect boyfriend turns out to be married, with children, so he instead decides to bring his roommate and best friend Nick home with him instead, ideally with the intention of pretending Nick is his boyfriend. But when he arrives home, his mom (KATHY NAJIMY) has other plans for his romantic life.

I won’t spoil any more because this honestly is a roller coaster and a wild ride and I think you just gotta see it for yourself, immediately, right now.

Does it pass the Bechdel-Wallace test? Yes!

Are there characters of color? Really just one, but he is a lead!

Are there LGBTQ characters? YES!

Is there a really good dog?

YOU BET THERE IS.

I can’t even rate this movie on the normal scale. This isn’t a shitty romcom. This is a real romcom. This is a theatres-quality level romcom that should have outearned Avatar. It has everything!!! A Christmas Pageant! A parent trap situation! Friends to lovers! There was only one bed! Jennifer Coolidge! Barry Bostwick! A fully choreographed dance number to My Only Wish (This Year) by Britney Spears! The aforementioned good dog!

Side note? I’m thinking of developing a drinking game wherein the main rule is drinking every time a handmade sign crafted by Kathy Najimy’s character appears. She? is crafty.

Anyway, you gotta see this shit. I am giving it this blog’s first ever Six Geese A Layin out of Five Golden Rings 🦢🥚💍 🎆🎆🎆

#6oo5 #lead of color #lgbt lead #single all the way #christmas romcom

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A Chance for Christmas

Tori Anderson, Mykee Selkin

WE’RE GROUNDHOGGIN’ IT!

I’ll start off by saying that this is a Tubi Original, which means my expectations for it were approximately ground level. However, apart from some middling acting, mostly from side characters, this movie really holds itself together with a lot of genuinely sweet moments, and a lot of tongue in cheek absurdity that made me laugh out loud even through my cringing 😂

Alright, so here we have Christina A. Chance—yeah, that’s her name—a mommy recipe vlogger trying to secure a brand ambassadorship from home goods franchise Love Handles—which she can only get if she NAILS her Christmas Eve livestream. And then there’s Devon, an employee of Love Handles, who absolutely looooves Christina!—’s authenticity 👀

However, she’s not as authentic as he thinks. Her kids aren’t always perfect little angels, her onscreen husband is really dating her mom, and her dad is less than enthused about it all. They’re definitely not the happy family they appear to be on the vlog, which Devon finds out after surprise showing up at the house to make sure the livestream goes according to plan. It doesn’t, of course, but have no fear! Real Santa is here, and he will make sure Devon and Christina live the day over and over again, until they “get what they need from Christmas” 😏 if you know what I mean. Devon and Christina think it means crushing the livestream, but I’m not sure that’s what Santa has in mind.

I love that they’re in it together! I hate watching these repeat-a-day romcoms when they’re supposed to be falling in love but only one of them is really getting to know the other, because only one of them is stuck in the time loop. Two emotionally unintelligent hotties in sci-fi cahoots, on the other hand? You KNOW I’m in.

This movie does a great job of exploring the true meaning of Christmas - I mean, is it getting 2 million views on your livestream? Or is it maybe spending genuine quality time with your loved ones and being your authentic self, warts and all? Or maybe… with a little Christmas spirit… you can have both!

Also? Shoutout to this movie for having normal interactions with children! I can always tell when a movie was written by someone who has never spoken to a kid before, and this isn’t one of them. The kids are fully part of the plot and are often times some of the better actors in the cast.

Does it pass the Bechdel-Wallace test? Yes!

Are there characters of color? Yes!

Are there LGBTQ characters? No!

All in all, I’ll give it 4 Calling Birds out of 5 Golden Rings!

#lead of color #tubi original #a chance for christmas #4oo5

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LOVEHARD

Nina Dobrev, Jimmy O. Yang

Let’s give it up for the first shitty romcom of the season!!! 🥳🎄😘

It’s a classic Catfish turns Cyrano situation - Natalie has dated the WORST string of lame-os and losers, only to finally find the perfect man on a dating app! Over the course of the next two weeks they fall for each other via text and phone call, before Josh tells her he wishes she could be with him for Christmas. So Natalie, naturally, decides to surprise show up at his family home!!! But when she arrives, Josh is not at all what he seemed.

Instead of being a hunky outdoors guy, he’s a bit of a basement dweller who wears glasses (the horror!) and has a dream of starting a candle business marketed towards the greatest untapped candle demographic - men. However, the guy whose pictures he used is his childhood friend Tag, which means maybe Natalie still has a shot with the man of her dreams!

So let’s get this straight: Josh is now going to help Natalie get the guy by giving her info on what Tag likes, IF in exchange she pretends to date him until Christmas - for his family’s benefit - after which they can stage a breakup and be out of each other’s lives forever. Obviously, things don’t work out how they’re supposed to - or maybe they work out 😎 exactly how they’re supposed to 😉

This movie has everything you could want! Snarky not-like-other-girls protagonist who hates Baby It’s Cold Outside and thinks Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time! Inappropriate elderlies! A soft indie folk cover of Read My Mind! Mike Chang from Glee is there!

Some of the tropes are cliches, but some are worth their while. Contains some genuinely interesting cinematography for a Netflix original. There’s a lot I personally would change about the flow of the film - less awkward singing, more romantic tension - but you know what? In many ways, it’s actually the first of its kind.

Bechdel-Wallace test? I honestly don’t think so, which is kind of funny for a movie whose lead seems to be such a feminist (👀)

Characters of color? Check!

LGBTQ characters? Only on the side, but they do point out how homoerotic Top Gun is, which is almost like representation

All in all, I feel like I’m starting this romcom season off right - four and a half calling birds out of five golden rings!!!

Plus? I have this quilt:

#4.5oo5 #lovehard #love hard #nina dobrev #jimmy o. yang #lead of color

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Dashing In December

Peter Porte, Juan Pablo Di Pace

Wyatt is a business minded bitch boy who comes home to his mom’s ranch for Christmas for the first time in 5 years, only to try to pitch her to sell the ranch. Everyone there is very upset that he hasn’t visited his horse in five years. I mean his mom. No, his horse. Whose name is DASH! Is he even still your horse if you haven’t seen him in five years? This guy sucks! But as Wyatt starts to learn a thing or two about the spirit of Christmas and regains his small town roots, he also finds himself falling for the ranch hand, Heath, whose childhood trauma is all tied up in Wyatt’s family farm.

Everyone’s sweaters and jackets in this film are impeccable. It’s also the perfect bickerers to lovers plot line - I know I’m supposed ™ to like it when people are nice to each other, but I’m always looking for that TENSION babey!!! There’s just something that really WORKS about two people who want to hate each other coming to realize that they actually do not hate each other at all 😭

I also really like how this movie talks about homophobia. It’s not at all a driver of the plot, but it’s discussed in a way that acknowledges reality without taking away from the lighthearted fluffiness of a holiday romcom.

Does it pass the Bechdel-Wallace test? Yes.

Are there characters of color? Yes.

Are there LGBTQ characters? YES.

The leads are both sexy as hell. Plus Andie Macdowell plays Wyatt’s mom, and SHES sexy as hell too! Something for the MILF fans. What else is there to say. This movie gets a Five Golden Rings out of Five Golden Rings!

#christmas romcom #dashing in december #my dad says he liked christmas setup better but imo he’s wrong #5oo5 #lgbt lead

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The Christmas Setup

Ben Lewis, Blake Lee

Hugo is a big city big shot lawyer who goes back home for Christmas with his best friend. The hottie he admired in high school is suddenly everywhere, and it seems like he’s interested. Unfortunately, the only thing Hugo wants in his life is this big promotion, so he can’t let anything (like his midwestern hunk) tie him down 😢 What will he possibly choose???

Okay I am obsessed with the fact that the two main men are real life husbands. I am a sucker for real life spouses appearing opposite each other in romcoms as anyone who’s read my reviews for No Sleep Til Christmas and A California Christmas might remember. And these guys are no exception - really excellent chemistry and spot-on loving gazes.

I didn’t really love the plot line - it was too low stakes for my taste, not enough tension - but the characters were really sweet and some of the background lore of the town made me a little weepy for real. Plus Blake Lee is so handsome. I’m sorry Ben you’re cute too but Blake is one of the cutest men I’ve ever seen. 10/10.

Does it pass the Bechdel-Wallace test? Not sure :/

Are there characters of color? Yes.

Are there LGBTQ characters? BIG yes!

All in all, I give it 4 Calling Birds out of 5 Golden Rings!!!

#4oo5 #lgbt lead #the christmas setup #romcom

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California Christmas

Josh Swickard, Lauren Swickard

YES. Wealthy business man accidentally poses as a ranch hand at a dairy farm that he’s actually trying to buy for his company!!!! He tries to tell the ranch owner, a sassy hot girl with a chip on her shoulder, a bunch of times that he’s not who she thinks he is, but she’s not ready to hear it I guess. He decides to keep up the act in order to psychoanalyze her well enough to manipulate her into selling - meanwhile the guy he’s impersonating is lowkey blackmailing him, and the woman’s guy friend is trying to hit that even though she’s not into it. I wonder if all these miscommunications are going to lead to heartbreak, or if love will win in the end???

Wow the tropes are strong with this one. We get a live animal birth not 15 minutes in! Mom has cancer, dad and fiancé died in a traumatizing car crash, the little sister’s precocious, and Manny the ranch hand and Leo the underling are the real stars of the show 😍

The B plot definitely rules the screen at first, but the enemies-to-friends-to-lovers vibe of the A plot definitely works. I like the subversion of the city girl/country boy trope a lot - it’s nice to see capable women and idiot men find each other. Plus, as far as I can tell, they’re real-life married which means their chemistry is SMOLDERING.

Does it pass the Bechdel-Wallace test? YES.

Are there characters of color? YES.

Are there LGBTQ characters? No.

I give this movie an overall rating of Four and a Half Calling Birds out of Five Golden Rings!!!

#4.5oo5 #a california christmas #christmas romcom