somebodyspuppet

[somebodyspuppet]

- Michael Kinnucan, “The Gods show up” 

#.. #2.

[somebodyspuppet]

dolls were made to be punished.

#actively fighting my brain making this more dark and personal than it is. #i'm not. a doll. it's a joke. and doesn't apply to me. #.. #..but i am. and i deserved it all. #i was made for it. #wind me up.

[somebodyspuppet]

The way of the world.

#..

[somebodyspuppet]

i don't know who needs to hear this, but guilt, self-hatred and shame are not sustainable sources of growth and healing. you can't hate yourself into feeling better, or being better. you can't repeatedly punish yourself for your flawed humanity and expect wholesome results.

#.. #lack of flawed humanity aside.

[somebodyspuppet]

okay i have problems with that actually. i have enormous problems with that.

#consent is 1 thing but #i can't. imagine being friends with someone who can look at their lover. and think #oh i want to hurt them. so badly. i want them to hurt me. and however cruel they ask me to be i'll gladly do it #maybe that isn't the exact mindset. #but wanting to hurt someone you care about that much. #for pleasure? how is there pleasure? how is there anything but deep emotional scarring? #i..don't know. how much i can stand to be around her knowing that. #and that's even aside from fucking eating her partners. #and being. way too into it apparently. #i feel sick. #this was a mistake. #wind me up.

[somebodyspuppet]

alright well that sure is information to have about someone i want to be comfortable around and friends with.

#what the fuck do you mean you partake in cannibalism in a sexual context. #it isn't directly my business in terms of threat but i have not historically had good feelings about. people who eat other people for fun. #much less people who talk about it publicly. #.. #this isn't ruined already is it? #wind me up.

[somebodyspuppet]

even the occasional loneliness is tinged sweet. i know it's far from forever. i'm certain that i'm not /really/ alone. that he'd come for me at the drop of a hat. it doesn't have to ache like it used to. ..i don't have to hurt alone until i can finally make it stop. i don't have to feel so painfully alone anymore, even in the moments i technically am.

#it doesn't hurt nearly at all. #just a pang. missing him more than anything. #but it's never long. #..he saves me in so many ways. #sweetheart #wind me up.

[somebodyspuppet]

Call me a good boy. Whisper it in my ear when you’re teasing me. Shout it when I’m between your legs. Remind me that I’m a good boy, your good boy.

#nobody will see this anyways it's fine.

[somebodyspuppet]

i press my fingers into your cranium, leaving deep impressions like wet clay.

i'm molding you.

you lack the decency or awareness to say thank you.

i continue anyway.

#mm.

[somebodyspuppet]

#2.

[somebodyspuppet]

he's so proud of me. ..i think i am too. it seems so small, just managing to exist for a few continuous months without coming to a full, lifeless stop. most people don't have the option. it always seemed like such a harmless escape. no matter how empty i felt afterward. it shouldn't be so hard to want to keep existing. but it. was. ..and it's not anymore. he fends off my pain so easily, now. i don't have to run away from everything and myself, anymore. i don't even have to run to him. i can just reach out, and he'll be there, he'll take my hand and keep me moving, show me another way out that heightens my feelings beyond any negative distractions and empties my mind just to fill it with joy. i wish i could've been doing this with him the whole time. every time i let myself disappear in the past, i wish i could've instead been in his arms, at his endless mercy under his soft hands, feeling pleasure he's so dedicated to giving me, instead of nothing at all. i didn't know there was anything better than the pain i felt or the mistakes i made, only the option to negate them both completely. i never want to be that empty puppet again. ..he'll never let me stop feeling again. and even when we aren't touching, just seeing him makes me feel plenty. his smile can fend off imminent suffering in an instant. i hope it never fades.

#he's more of an angel than i'll ever be. #the sun in my sky. burning right through the grey. #fully lost track of the fact that i have something to be proud of. #he's so proud of me..he noticed. he remembered. #he knows that the difference matters. #it means the world. #wish i could keep the token in my pocket without worrying about it breaking. #wind me up.

[somebodyspuppet]

i'm gonna go ahead and tell myself that's not my problem. i can't beat myself up about it, it's not justified and accomplishes nothing, and i'm not the person who should try and reassure them about it. hermes might have that covered, honestly. and she gets my intentions.

#i am not the singular cause of that response. i was not an asshole. i am valid to have and express feelings about having bothered someone. #this seems like a longer-term issue manifesting. a familiar 1. #i do understand. but i can't let myself spiral about having 'caused' it this time. #i don't deserve to suffer just for being related to someone's negative feelings that i have no control over. #that's been a damn helpful mantra. #i hope they don't actually take it. that personally. in the end. #the ability to stop giving a fuck about external opinions to complain freely on the internet is a hard lesson to learn. #wind me up.

[somebodyspuppet]

People speak sometimes about the "bestial" cruelty of man, but that is terribly unjust and offensive to beasts, no animal could ever be so cruel as a man, so artfully, so artistically cruel.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

#2.

[somebodyspuppet]

"What I want is him back, him standing beside me, him laughing at all this. I would settle for even his worst self, his cruellest trickster self, if only he could be here."

- Jude Duarte, The Queen of Nothing

#2.

[somebodyspuppet]

One Day, You Can Stop, Digital Collage, 2024.

[somebodyspuppet]

fucking dumbass. hopping online to offer people help who didn't ask for it. weren't you supposed to stop doing that? you're just bothering them. you're just making them feel awkward and uncomfortable. you piece of shit. you're useless.

#what else am i supposed to do when someone says they're dying. just nod and move on? #didnt know it was hyperbole #still a dumbass. #wind me up.

[somebodyspuppet]

If We Won't Burn Together, I'll Burn Alone - Submitted by @incantu

#27212B #302535 #493E4E #DA4642 #7A4652 #5C333B