somedaypast-thesunset

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I tell him in plain language I haven't eaten and have no money for food. He offers to loan me money and that I can come over. But it's -2 and all my cold weather wear is garbage from the 5 min I spent just going to the store. He says he has to charge his phone. I'm like OK but u can also do it on your laptop. "yeah but then I'd have to find my wallet". I gave a huge exaggerated laugh because who the fuck responds to someone asking to eat like 5hat? He thinks my reply is weird. I tell him I assume he's joking so I'm laughing otherwise I'm just depressed. He replies, "do you need money now?"

SO GCDFHJFFDXDJKCFYBVXSSJKCF

DO I NEED TO EAT TODAY? DO I? GYESS NOT BECAYSE I WOYLDNT WANT TO BORHER YOU TO FIND YOUR FUCKING WALLET.

the only mature non combative response I had was no response because I'm not even dignifying such a stupid fucking question with a response. Fuck you man. Just fuck you. I'd get more respect sucking dick for 40$. Quicker too.

And I'm trying soooooooo hard and it's just nothing. I'm doing nothing but expending the absolute most amount of effort I currently have before becoming sooo exhausted and frustrated that I'm becoming impulsively violent - much like traits I had very young that I worked to control. Like my day consists of waking up and being brought home. I smoke weed, find a podcast or video or movie to listen to but barely pay attention and try to bring myself to do anything. Like changing my clothes from yesterday. Going out to get food (which if I do is my entire morning and I'm done after). Lately I want soooo badly to get back into my shit. I used to be productive. Like I lost alllllllllllllllllllllllll drive for anything. I cannot fathom going to a job. My whole disposition says I want to die every moment I'm awake. I watched this doc about this crazy lady who starved to death in an abandoned house on an occupied street like ppl walked by the house she had neighbors but she like actively chose to just starve and die. And everyone's so confused like oh the neighbors were there she could've gotten food but no. I get this lady. I am this lady right now. I am in an abandoned house that is my body and my neighbors can see I'm here but they don't care if anyone is home. They wouldn't feed me.

In some ways I was like oh no. This lady is me. But she was delusional. Like she made ppl up. I haven't ever. But I am becoming like my mother more and more but I guess I empathize more. This lady was so depressed like she really wanted to die all the time and she was miserable and couldn't keep friends and I get it now. I got it before but now I really get it because there's no choice anymore. At some point you like... You're standing on the edge of the abyss and then u let go and from that point on its just free falling out of control. You can't stop it once it's hit full momentum. And I'm screaming cuz I did the drugs. And I can do them again so I can placebo effectvmyself for 2 weeks and crash again. I am existing solely for the purpose of a few other ppl right now. Like I can't die right here because my roommate has to find it and he's the last person I want to find dead me. Like if a stranger could spot a body that is me, that'd be good. Or like a dog finds me first. I want to go in a forest. I want my body to refuel the earth and I want animals to tear me apart like when the Indians let vultures eat their dead. I'm dead you know. People have too much control. I'm used to no control and I embrace the lack of control one has in death despite society trying sooo hard. And I'm still there you know cuz I want to control when I die. I wan5 to choose and death is not about choice. And it's hard to die. Killing yourself takes like extreme effort. I cannot selfishly take my cats with me tho I want to. I want to die with my cat in my arms, the only thing that ever really loved me besides my dad. I just want to go far far out where it's no coming back. Like even if I last minute didn't want to I want to be so far out in the woods I can5 make it back in such condition so I just die because wanting to live is the moment of weakness. This is not a moment. I am not in a decade long moment. I am suffering and I hurt and the "system" is a fools game. Like it took 100 yrs to accept certain medications and procedures as fucked up because it takes society 100 yrs to figure anything out and like I guess my hope is that because we're evolving technology so fast maybe in 5 years they will know how to fix depression. They will look in my brain and s3e the suffering and fix it. And I'll flick a switch and my memories will be neutral in feeling, not ptsd.

It's not even ptsd anymore. No, it's not JUST ptsd anymore. It's the starting long term effects of poverty. It's like.. My own mental issues maturing with me as I'm getting older and it's not easier at all?

Like I tried to do my shop and realized its so half assed and like I can't be this age and present this level of effort. I can do better I just chose not to but I spend effort doing it half assed still. I took apart 80% of my jewelry and have yet to go back to it because why. And that's sad. Like I have to be careful now to maintain what I do have or I may not care enough to do it again. I have alllllllllllllllllllllllll the time in the world to do something. Anything. Any. Thing. And I've listened to 350 episodes of last podcast, know deeply a 38 yr old man I never met who plays video games online, watched anything deemed good on Netflix, am totally up to date on s3veral news websites and podcasts and I smoke like 400$ worth of weed a month.

I don't even want to know me.

But like.. I don't pretend I just don't talk. I talk to others, share commentary occasionally but I just don't talk about anything. I especially don't talk about how depressed I am because it just bothers ppl and creates both positive and negative opinions none of which are helpful to the illness.

So im very very secluded. And I used to use isolated but that's negative. That's saying I'm forced into it. I'm forcing it. I'm not. I actively choose it now so I am secluded and extremely private.

I'm still trying though? Like I don't even know why. Today I signed up for usertesting sites because I already do contract tests for consumer reviews so maybe I'll make some money but at the same time I feel like its another dead end. Just go work at McDonald's.

Art wise, there is so much I could do to revamp my shop. All new, well made jewelry. I need all new photos including ones of my art with close ups and stuff. I want to "graduate" my art skills a bit. Like really make nice well cut paper with borders for matting and start to sign my work and like all of this means higher quality so a higher price. I can do fucking better. And honestly I'm not doing anything else right now. My mind is completely disabled and to consider working is laughable now. I know I'm not going to so I can stop being anxious about it. Fuck em. I've been doing a depression project for charity cuz that's what I did earlier this year too but this one is more personal. I have 3/5 of what I wanted for my goal but at the same time what I made is so.. Average. It's not great at all. It's just iok and does the job and I tried my best but maybe I didn't? The fact 3/5 have all turned out with fairly major issues makes me feel less inclined to continue and the whole thing pointless cuz why give something to the homeless that sucks. So u can feel good?

I don't want therapy or medication. I deeply hate society and most of humanity. I used to be OK with it and I wanted to be apart of it but I was so shit on by so many people that I can't do it anymore. It's not worth it. 30 years of shit for like 30 y3ars of average? Cool.

Still trying tho. Still asked for money for food and I'll go hungry today but I'll havevmoney tomorrow I guess. That's life. Me and the 45 ppl on main St homeless. Somedays you eat Somedays you don't. He will probably realize at some point he made a mistake - hopefully. Because if I have to chase him for it, I'm probably going to hang out by myself tomorrow too.

I'm now worried I have no good winter clothes and my boots have holes in them. I'm already in super debt. I have to get a new jacket and boots before it snows. I could've gotten an extra 10 if I braved the cold for 25 min tonight but I'm just so tired I don't care enough. I can't talk to anyone about this. Then I'm just poor and a burden cuz I have no job and spend money on weed. And I did. I put myself far into debt just for weed. I'm now working on this plan that since I've quit smoking I must be up some money so I'll slowly build funds back up by not smoking and not spending crazy. Which even now sounds bullshit. But I'm trying the testing thing as well. If I get my shop up before Xmas rush. These are reasons to try but I'm only trying because d3pression put me in debt. If I wasn't this sad I wouldn't spend this money. I wouldntvlive like this.

Honestly until I get this money I don't even have funds for the bus to get my birth control. At the same time tho I was willing to sit all of this out and wait but I have like 7 days to be paid and I can't go 7 days without eating at all.

I spent myblast 3$ on cat food and honestly just this run down alone describes how insane I am. Like there's no way it's OK for me to be on my own to this degree. No sound psychologist would say yes 100% clearly functioning on their own in need of no assistance. If someone described this to me in my moments of sound mind I would be like this bitch is dead in atleast 5 years. Prob less. Meds aren't enough. Therapy is not enough. And I don't deserve to be in a psych ward because my capacity for reasoning and logic is fully there and it's unfair to have success in q team monitored to be released into the same conditions you know.

What am I doing when my father's gone? This because no one recognized that in a Co dependent relationship there are two people who are d3oendent not just one and instead of really assessing the situation people chose to think I was lazy and living off my father (even tho I was not) ignoring severe depression and suicidal t3ndencies. Thanks.

I am the abandoned house.

Today I was trying to get ready to leave when he said he still wanted to smoke from my bong and ohh where do I have to go that's so important. And it's not just him. It's anyone who knows myclife. They d3cided my time has less value because someone who's not them d3cided to pay me money in exchange for menial tasks. Since I don't have that my time is meaningless and they can not show up to qppts or show up late or leave late or make me wait X amount of time cuz I have all the time in the world. They work u know. But I no longer care. For the people who know me I'm no longer accepting this and just going about my lif3 without them. For those who don't, I'm no longer going to share anything about my life with anyone. I'm just as valuable as you. My time is equally of worth. Fuck you for ever thinking different.

Just remember - anyone else alive, not your problem.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

U know. I cry for the world. I really do. But I cannot allow it into my own space which is any space my body currently occupies because I am not trapped and can choose to remove myself. Like, he made me feel like I wasn't sympathetic because I wouldn't let ppl like this in my home. I am sympathetic, not stupid. I would give a percent of money given to me to give all these ppl places that accomidate them.

He literally runs upstairs as I'm quietly eating my food by myself and asks why I'm a bitch. I tell him that's not really fair to say and I'm not interested in talking to him. He says it is fair to say because I'm being a bitch. I told him he's been pretty disrespectful from the start and I'm not interested in having a conversation. He says I'm the one being disrespectful because I owed him 50$ and he let it go cuz my partner is letting him stay at his house. My blinders went on briefly - like my brain clicked at that moment and we were no longer associates of any kind. Was I required to kiss your ass and buy your beer because you let my 50$ debt go for stupid reason? Who the fuck are you? And fine - fine. Thank you for debt forgiveness. But the fact you think I still owe you something - even a nicety, which I've given numerous times, is a person I don't want to know. I'll give you what I owe and nothing more. Why would I allow a dynamic in a personal relationship like that?

I got dressed and told my partner I would see him tomorrow as our friend jumps back and forth from saying he'll go and asking me why we can't have a "civil conversation".i told him I did nothing, I waited for him to be finished cooking so I could eat and now I'm upstairs because I don't want to hang out and now I'm leaving because this is disrespectful.

Finally he leaves and I feel uneasy. I know I'm there for my partner but I know he has feelings about it either way now and I don't know what to do because I don't want to talk to this guy again. So I tell him and say if he has a problem I'll leave. He says he has no problem it's between us he didn't want to be brought into it and now hes being brought in. Im like wtf rly. I'm sitting here eating a man came in and yelled that I'm a bitch and you think I brought you into this? Cuz I was the mature person who removed myself from a conflict seeking person? Fuck offfff. I told him fine, I would just go then. He said he's not mad but fine he'll see me tomorrow. I told him I'm not mad I have anxiety and no outlet so im leaving.

I called another mutual on the way home hoping for weed and a smoke. As I was on the phone I get a message from the first friend telling me he's sorry he was beligirent and he understands my point of view but "Jsyk I was offended too".

Our mutual said fuck him. But this is not really our friend. I know our friend very well and I know there is no way he would believe any different from his original stance unless someone explained how he might be in the wrong perspective. He spent days believing I was holding an attitude with him when I literally gave no fucks. I was nice, I hung out, I made and bought food, shared my weed and he continually had a disrespectful attitude towards me in every conversation I had and I was just over it because Ive really tightened my circle to not include people like him. I don't need it, I didn't do anything and I'm not going to be shit on because I shared what little I had and this guy is fucking crazy. Also I guess I'm ghetto but if a friend is shit on by someone in front of u, u back them up. My partner should have guilt for not saying hey what kind of language is that for a civil convo. But it's fine too because I'll remember this.

I sort of expect that my partner did tho. I feel our friend probably tried to approach him about it after I left and told him he was in the wrong for yelling at me and because he said "I hope we will talk again" to me implies my partner told him I'm not talking to him again as he could've said.. Nothing. Or hope we will be friends again? Hang out? It's just a weird admission of guilt that comes from my partners moral high grounds. Like he would never apologize to such degrees but he will tell u this is exactly how you should do it but it's our friend saying "Jsyk I was offended too". He's offended because every other friend knows I don't answer phone calls. I answer for like.. The government, doctors, my one friend and my partner. Otherwise I do not. It's a joke in my circle because I always answer texts. I always answer dms. I stopped fb but it was the same. Emails. If u call I will never call u back. A friend knows this. It's my quirk. It's fun. If it's an emergency, I'll know. It never is. I'm a confidante to people. Like I'm not a psychiatrist I'm a living diary where these people expect me to sit and listen to their problems and give them a certain level of wisdom and care and interaction or I'm not a friend. You and chantel and taff and Tom and Aaron and Jared and kitty. I sit and watch people. They are not my friend but I'm theirs and they wonder why at some point I check out and don't care about this shit they're doing. My partner falls into this and is probablt the absolute worst I've had so I have no room to do this for others and I think now it's like chosen victimhood when I remain friends and partners too. Like I know this person - I KNOWWWWWW this person because my job was to listen to all their shit. Like if knowledge is power im queen cuz I know. So I know they're fucked. I know. I could write a book verified by them of how fucked they are. And that means at some point they will be fucked again. That's their character. I dunno if that's who the fuck they are but it's what they presented. And being so close puts me within their fucked shit. Whether directed at me or not. Sam. No ones in my shit. No ones following my life. No one listens to me everyday except a girl I barely know in real life but force myself on her and literally don't know if she likes me or feels sorry for me but she's gracious. And even then I don't share everything. She's certainly not invested. This friend expected an investment further into listening to him because he made me feel bad and always wanted a relationship with me and when I was with my partner he was not super cool about it. I empathized and sympathized and wanted him to do well in life but I'd never be with him. I could barely be his friend. I barely liked him as my drug dealer. But I felt man. He criticized how I lived even though I'm not homeless. He is. And I don't want a point in my life where I'm arguing with a homeless man because our government gives you money. You make choices and I made the choice to use the same money not to be homeless and you decided to hitchhike. Logic. You are who you surround yourself with and I'm not this and I can't be the confidante of this while having everything I do responded to with a sigh of disappointment. It's a huge reason why I never called back when it was obvious he didn't get it. Why.

I liked my partners "I'm not mad". Really. He said it under his breath then quickly said "fine whatever see you". It was one of the first few shows of like "but I wanted you!" that he's made outside of sex. Like showing disappointment meant he had to involve himself into easing my anxiety which was too complicated and too much effort for him. He needed me to get over it.

I'm glad I left. I didn't argue with anyone but expressed how I felt and thought and left. I'm not replying to his apology because I'm going to blindly assume he spoke to my partner and I'm happier he said anything to defend me than I care about this apology. It's an action he would take instead of apologizing. He did something to help my anxiety and that's so much better than nothing. He is really trying to be consistent and elevated in his investment. I mean, this whole thing is fucked. But like... Iget along with him. He's the male figure in my life my parents demanded I needed for disciplinary purposes. But he's like a drunk army sergeant. U respect but he's a little fucked and sometimes makes u do questionable shit. But in the process youre somehow built into a better person and ur like yeah the army (relationship) was pretty great shaped me as a person but my drill (his personality) got drunk sometimes, cried and when u said ur uncomfortable got angry and threatened a discharge.

He has control of me but gives me freedom to the nth degree.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

Right so I go to cook my food and without asking anything our friend goes wow ur stubborn Amber I already made him food.

To which I replied that this is now my lunch tomorrow because I spent my money I had to feed myself on this therefore it is now my lunch. Then I asked if there's anything in the oven after he informed me its already on. He says no. I prepare my food to go in and I'm making fries as well. At this point he has finished cooking his meal and sitting at the table. He then says "so you're just going to use the whole oven then, " to which I asked did u not say it was empty. He gives a big groan and I set my things down and tell him I'll wait for my partner. Cuz he can see for himself how you made this uncomfortable for me.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I was about to say he didn't even offer to cook my pizza so I could eat with everyone but he did now after he was done cooking. To which I replied that I would eat later cuz I am officially completely done with human beings today. I now want weed and I'll make my pizza and go to bed.

Honestly fuckfaces it's not hard to be polite and decent. It's not. You make choices not to because you're concerned with yourself. I'm tired of being around people like this.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

Honestly I'm such an asshole but I know if my partner comes home and realizes he made food I can't eat and I have to make my own, it'll make him feel ways about our friend so I'm not even going to fight or argue just wait until I can in fact cook my own dinner.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

So I save what little money I have to buy dinner knowing no one has money or bought food. I figure good investment to spend 12$ to feed 3 ppl even tho that's like 3 meals for me. I tell my partner I'm doing this. I come to the house and see a pack of ground beef out which I can't eat. I put it back because there's no other food in the house and I can't eat it. Our friend gets back and says he's making dinner and bought food. So mine goes in the freezer. And sure maybe it'll be eaten tomorrow but I could've had 6$ for lunch instead. And I'm just super frustrated because no one accounts for the fact I care that I'm poor and trying not to mooch off of other ppl. Now I get to cook my pizzas so I can have it for lunch. And make my own seperate dinner because I'm allergic to this food.

It's OK tho just one more day and I can go back to never talking to him again.

I deeply hate ppl.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I rly feel my line has been crossed. Like I've been super aggravated since I found out it was an infection. I told him I wanted time to myself since I was disgusting. I thought since my direct approach didn't work, maybe this would but I got nothing in response all day. I'm now shifted to the bottom of the priority list.

I honestly just really hate him. Im not fucking stupid - other people get better treatment by him. Like why does it take an hour to reply? You're not doing shit. Your phone is on you. Fuck you man. The longer you drag it out the more my hatred grows. Like even "sry call later" is better than nothing but I am never of high priority. Ever. It's just she'll wait, she needs patience meanwhile every other person communicates consistently. The last time we had sex, it was p much rape because I said no five times and did not once say yes and he made my infection worse with sweat so I'm in pain from my wound and being carelessly fucked. I hate you man. I'm tired of forgiving you. You've been so fucking terrible to me I'm ready to never speak to you again. I have terrible thoughts in my head because of how much I fucking hate you.

I explained why I'm upset and it's been an hour with no reply. I asked are you even getting my messages to no reply.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I'm really not sure what to do with all the ideas and thoughts and concepts I have in my head. They're not like things I would express in my usual ways of expression so it involves learning and adapting new expressions and Im not sure yet but I think I'm okay. My life is kind of like a general opinion of school - I never wasted money on something I didn't know I wanted. I never put time and debt into something someone told me to do. I didn't want it. I didn't believe in the system presented.

But I've not gained success from my disbelief. I'm schroedingers cat. Limitless potential but the longer you wait it's like obvious the potential dwindles and I guess I'm waiting for things to fall into place but they never will.

I got stop smoking drugs. It helped a few people I know. But my like.. Proactiveness for it is low. Overall in life it's low. I'm really... Disenfranchised, disattached and depressed. But I guess I'm pretending to not be or like really down playing the severity of it. Which takes up alot of time from working on making it less bad for real. I'm no longer really invested in his ideas. I guess I feel more disappointment.

My wound got infected but he kind ofbrushed it off because it was supposed to be okay. According to him. And he kept saying its normal and fine but it wasn't.

Honestly all I want to do is sleep.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I woke up to the heroin addict opening my bedroom door today and immediately had a panic attack. I walked in and out of the bathroom and hall a few times like what the fuck do I do like who does this he's been here so long how can he not know and sometimes my roommate opens the door a crack to let an escaped cat back in and it's totally fine and my cat runs in and meows like thank u goodbye hello. My cat sits in the bathroom waiting to come back in so she's excited and does this every time and my roommate never swings the door open he makes a cat sized crack, I never ever see him peering in its the only appropriate time anyone can open my door without knocking because I care more about my cat than my privacy if my cats sitting at my door.

But my cat was with me and ran after like WTF is this unknown thing happening she like ran to the door like the dog was there but it was the heroin addict with the door very open and then he closed it and whywhywhywhy

I am proud of myself instead of calling him and crying I knocked on my roommates door in super anxiety and was like this guy had my door open wtf man and he asked a few questions like if it was an accident but this guy has done it before and I assumed it was my cat! Like he was letting an escapee in! But I knew then it seemed fucked and now bright day morning he's opening my door. Whatthefuckkkkkkkkkk. What if this happened before and I didn't know and he was sneaky what if he like watched me while I slept.

Don't think he did but don't touch my fucking door crackhead. My roommates new girl tried to smooth it over by explaining she also opened it when she first came over and in like its totally different I get these times and this odd layout but 9/10 times no one touches this door. 150 ppl come through here this yr and 3 ppl touched my door outside of my roommate. And my roommate is soo paranoid about it I know there's explicit instructions no one ever touches this door. It used to be able to lock from the outside and 1 time I got locked in and no times have I ever walked in on someone peeing. So plz. Don't touch my door. It's like a sign on a pet display don't touch the rabbits they're skittish.

So he says he'll talk to him and asks when my bf is back cuz I assume he's using this as an easy way out of kicking this freeloader out without guilt. But I think maybe the guy was gone but if he wasn't my roommate and the new girl slept in the room he does instead ofthe bedroom they usually do and I feel something happened and felt resolved temporarily.

My cyst is back 100% like 5 days before surgery. Ive had tons of anxiety and felt sick for a few days now. He said he's leaving Monday and I just didn't want to talk to him after being told all my stresses stress him out. He tried to call after I had been looking up shit aboutthe surgery and I was so sad. I didn't pick up. He left a long voice mail weirdly singing lean on me which made me cry because I had my dad on my mind and that was his sad song.

I'm OK with not talking to him. I sent a message saying I didn't have a good day & my cyst is back.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im honestly so much better than i thought i was. 

like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant. 

but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy. 

but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels. 

does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade. 

and i never cracked.

and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked. 

no. listen. 

i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much. 

what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...

how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing. 

have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?

my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either. 

i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you. 

depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.

and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head. 

my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them. 

sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright. 

and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it. 

i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.

sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth. 

to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.

why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene” 

tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt  and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs. 

i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself. 

do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.

and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much? 

sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.

so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.

in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is  a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.

my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high. 

so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money. 

but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine. 

and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him. 

we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month. 

eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.

he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do. 

.......

to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy. 

i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go. 

and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful. 

and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%

and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death. 

but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that. 

but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i want to practice just like going through the anger of his message without an actual response because like fuck him?

“i called you to say i was going to he wedding and caring for you and going to rehab potentially and you said that ou didnt know what to say because its not what you want to do”

false. and this is just crammed into a giant paragraph of other bullshit. man, you called me to tell me what you were going to do. and you have literally never in your life understood what it means to respect another person’s feelings or wishes outside of like a guest in your house for one night. again it was never about him going to rehab. it was the fact that its told to me like a slap in the face. its not like im involved in anyway its just im doing this see you later, maybe?

“and then you knowingly or not manipulate the situation by saying youre not doing the surgery because youre not having it your way just like you did a week ago when you realized my vision for the property is not the same as yours”

man. why is it that i can say something clear as fucking day, repeat it 400 times and this person will tell me straight faced that thats not what i did, thats not how i feel and i must feel this way and if i dont then im lieing to myself.

when i am confronted with a person aggressively asking me vague questions in regards to what was once a positive fucking discussion as a natural born human being it is within my capacity to react with really high suspicion as to how much this person actually respects me. because its not the act of changing your mind - you can change your mind a thousand times. but you can also say ‘man i was thinking about this and this and i was wondering about this and you were saying this’ instead of ‘how many x for this how much for this’ like wow. and then to turn around and use my reaction as a basis of just “not getting my way”? you are repeatedly at every fucking turn demonstrating a huge disrespect for my feelings and you think im a fucking slave that should have zero opinion or feeling on anything you do but continue to merrily go along with what you see for the future.

“i need help and thinking of other people first has prevented me from getting help for years because ‘you guys’ always do this. theres always something that im always ‘ruining’ if im not ‘there’“

literally for decades youve treated people consistently like fucking shit. you give false promises you masquerade in being sick. you refuse at any singular pointt o see any true priviledge you actually have and why that means you can never understand how these people felt like when you left them 200$ at xmas in a crackhouse and went on a family vacation. you ruined xmas bro. you fucking ruined it and you thought you did a good fucking deed. a good deed wouldve been being their family. period. and you didnt want to do that an thats okay but to act like you should be praised for what you did do when it barely made a dent? fuck you you self righteous prick.

“this is what happens at the property. i go to work everyday to pay for you all to eat and for the upgraes and equipment. you guys wake up at your leisure and do exactly as much work as you feel is necessary and then fuck off for the rest of the day when i come home and have to solve personal problems like you and jame or you and aaron”

omg. this is the exact paragraph that defines exactly why im officially out. like first of all you are of zero motherfucking help to all of the above people including myself to maintain a lifestyle we lived here that bruoght us nothing because you think some deep drive will make it better even though your ass is going to rehab. you have zero provisions for any of these people and all they can do is sincerely invest their time energy and money into preparing themselves and their belief in what can happen. to think this crazy man could provide more than two meals is literally foolish like you arent ready to survive if you think youre surviving off of this guy. and like i already know this pretty well. in no way does he understand that i lived in survival mode with a crazy person who claimed to be doing good for my life. i did that already. its a completely different ball game. i dont even believe in you. i believe in me.

“the fact that you feel entitled to a payout because you did two weeks of research demontrates that you have no idea the investment i am putting in”

excuse me, what? by me asking for fucking dignity and respect when you change your fucking plans that involve MY FUTURE that YOU PUT ME WITHIN i’m doing this on the basis of being entitled to a fucking payout? respect? the fact that you think this is “two weeks of research” demonstrates that you literally would throw people out on their ass because you ~owned the property and they didnt you know “invest enough”. and at no point will it be told to you how much you need to invest to be secure. at no point. so he will ask for free labour which to him is not free because he feeds you !!! right because that worked for the slaves.

“i understand that this will be the situation as i laid it out because ive been down this road before a few times and i’m not laying it out to put anyone down; its just how it goes and i know for a fact it will piss me off and cripple me because i am already extremely weak”

man. who the fuck are you? you want people to support you getting help and doing positive things and respect you for being a homeless shelter but literally shit on and disrespect and belittle and degrade the people you want to be with you? whyyyyyyyyyy in the fuck would i ever want to speak to a person who believes i’m lazy and lives off of him and causes problems. why the fuck would i do that. oh but like hes not putting me down its just “how it goes”. and hes telling me this like im going to be like “oh okay i didnt realize ‘thats how it goes’ sorry”. you are in no motherfucking way a savior to any single person nor will you ever be. to truly help another person in the ways you believe you want to help people you have to be born with a trait that makes you preconceived to these ways or you have to work every day at it to become like that and you have not even begun to put in the work it woul take to reach such a high standard of care and altruism. again, fuck you.

“that being said, it doesnt change my desire but i must find a way to prepare myself to see if is something i can handle because if its not youre out to weeks of research and get to go back on welfare but me, i own 17k have to give the boot to my friends and face god knows what other consequences will come from an ill fated venture like this”

just.

do you know how hard it is for me to not just give in to the worst of my feelings and be like can u just go fucking die already. like you are so much of my mother that the only way you will find peace is to just be dead.you are delusional and fucked up and in so fucking deep i dont think theres a way out for you because there is like next to no moments of true clarity.

‘youre out to two weeks of research and get to go back on welfare’

omg. am i real human being? do you think i am like a fucking search engine that aggregated a bunch of results for you and just displayed information with zero fucking care as to what was happening at all? do you in no way think that if you want me in ANY FUTURE CAPACITY to even SEE this opportunity that i have to manage my current life in a specific way? do you not KNOW this? if you dont know this just STOP. build a fucking cabin in the woods and stay the fuck away from people you ignorant piece of shit.

“it pisses me off that im always me with the same attitude when i try to do something like these people that are literally investing the most minimal part of their day into the venture act like im not putting my nuts on the line for someone else”

omg. you legitimately dont see other people as human beings like this all i can form from this. when i was a child, i saw my mother disappointed that she didnt have this bottle of wine she thought she had and she was like mock disappointed about it but i didnt get it and as a child i was just like.. i felt really bad for my mom. like she didnt have this thing she wanted and expected and i wanted at that moment to give it to her if i could and i just kept doing this to an extreme in my life where like i constantly consider another persons feelings so much that i feel true guilt to act in any malicious or shitty way because i feel like i can really empathize with their moments if i tried to so why is it okay for me to act in such a way. i want to be peaceful and understanding.

so to me i am literally fucking appalled that he cannot comprehend the “investment” one makes with their entire actual fucking livelihood but furthermore my “two weeks of research” led him to his own opportunity. without my “two weeks of research” hed just be a jackass going to rehab. in fact as i began to realize how little he was invested mentally and was just throwing money at a piece of land, i became very scared for him and myself and the concept of this idea because i realized no one knew what to do, no one was taking the initiative to actually look it up and this person is investng 17k. and at no point did they think of a building plan or project or outline of a business or anything, they looked up no regulations and just went on like the dreams of hearsay. i couldnt believe it. i began my journal of information out of pure anxiety and fear that this person wasnt actually going to do any of these things and when it came down to it we would be fucked because the landowner has no idea what he can actually do on his own fucking land. and this is very stressful. is it 17k stressful? i dont know. maybe. maybe not. but it is certainly a large investment of my time and a new creation of anxiety, a reason to distrust whats happening - a reason to no longer trust in what he was saying about this. he just wanted to do this and this the same way he wanted to do all the dumb ass things he did before.

“if i had of known this i would have spent 2 weeks looking shit up’ like fuck right off. im sitting here trying to figure out a way to give people a free fucking place to come and better themselves and i have to eat shit when i express concern for myself”

bro. come into the reality ive lived for 2 months. this all started all of it period started because i offered to help you save money. you did not want this. i suggested buying land to offer small houses of some sort for people to stay to capitalize on both his handyman skills and his hosting skills. then i looked up SEVERAL HUNDRED PROPERTIES and like extremely sorted through these for the best possible deals for the most amount of land with healthy landscape. PEOPLE ARE PAID TO DO THIS JOB. LIKE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS OVER MONTHS. and i did this job for you for free and presented not just like 10 lots. i presented another 30 lots afterwards. i learned the fucking landscape of pei. i learned about trees and buying land and municipalities. i made maps and scales and put like all of my brain power into this its like saying because you went tothe store and bought the materials, you own whatever the fuck i built from it. and fine maybe you do. maybe in this capitalistic world you do. but omg why do you have to degrade the actual work i did which did not include me getting drunk in the middle of the woods at any point. like you struggled to figure out the meaning of a pit test when this is something i wouldve learned in a day. and i thought like this person knows already they id it before they already have this basic understanding all they need is like some updated info but nope. nope. youre not sitting there trying to figure it out. im sitting here trying to figure it out because no matter how much fucking money you throw at this it will not work without actual knowledge so fuck you man. fuck you. if i had of known you were such a piece of shit, if i had of known you would belittle and degrade any work and care investment i put into this which other people are literally fucking paid for - i wouldnt have spent any time on it at all. youd still be sitting there sobbing about your dead ex and the times you were strung out on k. fuck you bro. fuck you.

“dont talk to me about relationships dont hold this surgery over my head whenever you dont get your way. thats what i dont want to be part of because i have my own issues and if you dont want the care then ill spend my time caring for  myself”

iterally all of your time is looking out for and caring for yourself and any time taken away from that time is a huge fucking deal. like this person believes that just like hanging out with someone is an investment of his time because his time is very valuable. and if you dont appreciate that he took the time to even grace you with his presence when his time is so damn valuable then fuck you. and repeatedly hes said on multiple occasions for varying reasons “i dont want to be apart of this” and “this” is changed to suit whatever his need is for that time. so now he didnt say “this” like he never wanted me or the relationship its that he doesnt want “the drama”. no. no. you didnt and have not wanted the relationship and it has held you back and gave you all these issues you never wanted. period. this is what you said. period.

“im just so fucing exhausted i wasted 45 minutes typing out bullshit that started because i want to go to rehab and that doesnt jive with your insecurity”

.............. first of all on the basis of this entire fucing discussion you cannot in any fucking way ask me to consider the amount of time you spent on fucking anything at all. anything. it means absolutely nothing at all. it means nothing to what i feel. my feelings are more important. whether you invested time you didnt want to or not is of no motherfucking concern to me so fuck you you hypocritical asshole.

this all started because youre an asshole. youve always been an asshole and you literally cannot rehabilitate the fact youre an asshole. weed is not making you a piece of shit. its really truly not. if it is its like the first case in the entire world of it doing such things to someone because omg.

“not to mention i had to think about this shit for 6 hours yesterday”

no one caressssssssssssss. omg. you can sit and think about it for two weeks straight my friend. it means LITERALLY FUCKING NOTHING BY YOUR OWN DEFINITION.

“you know the only people that give me grief when i try to get help are the people who cant stand on their own legs

im sorry.

excuse me? in what capacity do you believe you have positively affected the direction of my life either mentally or financially or physically? you getting help affects me in zero fucking ways to the point that its not even goingt o make my relationship better with you because i really believe you cannot rehab an asshole. but it sincerely has zero affect on my financial or physical well being. what do you think ive been doing? like am i a zombie? im fucking depressed, not dead. this person has never paid my rent. he paid my phone bill as a christmas gift one year. he has really never actually bought me groceries, his mother has three times maybe.

you know, i have no anxiety. well no overwhelming anxiety and im not spiraling. heres a real true fact of life: if he didnt exist, i wouldnt have considered the surgery at all. in my life without him i wouldnt have had an opportunity to possibly have some kind of care (which i love now has an end date that has nothing to do with my recovery)  i wouldnt even have a drive home. so i wouldnt do it. and id be a little pissed for awhile - mostly at my parents more than anything and then just get over it because why dwell so hard on something not that important anyways.

ive been told by doctors its an option. its not like a recommendation - well it is, but its not like oh wow you really have to get this or else. i think people get really uppity about doctors and medical things for no reason and i get that they exist for a quality of life but i just dont think my life is so bad that i have to do this to myself right now.

and ive gotten - well what else are you doing now? whats different? and its true. fair enough. mark in the pro column. but that doesnt outweigh it. just because theres nothing else im doing doesnt mean i shoul do something i think is not a true importance to my life. like if i can have one month of physical care for a 3 inch incision with stitches - why cant i have one month of care for 15 years of severe depression? like all these doctors said im severely depressed, i need help, i need a support system, i need real resources they cant necessarily provide and everyons like wow i dont have the time or space to help you im sorry its too much for me and maybe you wont get better and i cant see you getting better so i cant feel good about how much time i migh have to spend on this.

but an incision. for a cyst. and a friend will take a week off work and spend everyday by my side. he will leave work to care for me, make me meals everyday, run my errands, help me out. and so my sick twisted mind in some ways in some moments looked forward to a real surgery. ike for a brief period of time i would get the care i needed from people but im too incapicitated to actually leverage any of the care i receive. like people would let me stay at their house for x amount of time and its just like man ive been nearly homeless and you acted like im diseased. its a fucking mockery to act like this cyst makes me deserve any more care than i already had. and i think thats why i really think deep down none of these people will do any of these things. i am sick. i am already sick. like really badly. and its all just like looking in from the outside bullshit. so why does this change now? why should i believe it changes?

and after all of this another nagging small thought is like okay so i finally get some kind of care and help and then it will all stop so he can go get better care and help in his priviledge an its like wow why bother. like well ur all healed now ur on ur own byeeee. i am tired of feeling bad for feeling bad. this is a manipulation. this is the true manipulation. it is using “getting help” and “going to rehab” as an excuse to compleely and utterly ignore anything i have to say about fucking anything at all. and hes trying to convince me of this that im the bad person and im not the bad person because ive never been against rehab.

i said “i dont know what you want me to say” instead of “so what about everything weve been talking about for the past two weeks what about the future what about buying land” after givng him all of this space to tell me on his own. what do you want me to say? its happening _ again _. good luck. hope it works out for you this time. i no longer give a fuck. i knew immediately when he sai h was going to rehab that all of the plans were up in the air again. again. again. again. like four hundredth time in a row and its like man how many fucking times o you want me to follow your bullshit because rehab is as genuine as your desire to be a better person and help all these people but youre fucking ruining people because you cant stay the fuck away. how many times am i required to give unconditional love without it actually fucking returned to me or to have what is returned be nothing but negativity towards my life?

you have no idea that the actions of other people really define how you will feel about them in your moments of weakness and need. you can see it but you dont know it. you dont know that it makes the difference of treating someone with actual kindness and respect because theyre a fucking human being not because “well they dont have that”. you havent graduated from giving someone something because you feel bad that they dont have it. you give them respect not because other people didnt vgive them respect but because this person deserved fucking respect all along. if you do it for the first reason its really all for your ego. you think youre doing something better than the next person. yuo know, “well iiiii woulnt be like that” - yeah you would, just in another circumstance.

i no longer regularly deal with outwardly shitty people. it was really important to me to find people who were caring in some respect but im learning even among those who are caring are abusers. theyre everywhere and its naive to think theyre not because thats how you fall victim. you just dont think its happening because it cant happen because theyre caring.

what i see myself truthfully terribly doing is nothing. although i clearly have a response for him, i dont. im just angry and i dont see how expressing any of my anger towards him will bring any resolution to any issue. and im not “just angry” like im just airing some grief but im angry. im very angry. and its no longer worth it. what can i reply? what could i possibly reply? “oh god youre so right im so sorry of course everything i did is nothing compared to you im sorry for being so selfish thank you sooo much for helping me” because it looks like the only available option now. and im not taking that option. i coul fight. argue all my points. tell him he was wrong. but why? but i think i may do so much nothing that i will just remain passive and hurt. semi forced into this scenario, upset and depressed. and i can see myself trying to accept help before stopping a few days into it.

i wish i could eternal sunshine him. i really do.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

Nothing about any of this at all says to invest even 1 more minute of my time into it.

And that's the only true battle I face right now - pure acceptance of what I know and believe to be true.

The very best response I could give is go fuck yourself.

Like, this is now arguing what he thinks I mean. Like omg. And he doesn't get at all that increasingly over the past month I've not wanted to be with him at all. I would rather sacrifice whatever he has to offer in benefits than do any of this anymore. I don't want to be on this property with him and people I tried to escape. I'm sitting here wondering how and if I can be self sufficient enough to survive without his help because I expect literally none.

I have thought over and over, I never want to speak to you again. It's not like a disagreement I'm having it's a fuck I really don't like you. He thinks I give a fuck about a future when everything is fucked and im giving up on him and this future.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I have to really accept he never wanted this no matter anything else ever said or done because I want to be like but he did or said and no. No. What I know is this shouldn't have happened.

And it did because I hate myself. I'm only with him cuz I hate myself. He fulfills all my triggers. I am in constant stress cuz I don't want more for myself. I want to be hurt and sad and feel unloved. I want to be second.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I took a long, long time and really formed a coherent thought about this. I have always avoided the obvious and never dealt with it because I didn't want to be hurt. Too late.

I tried to really explain this mindset. He can only only only be believed when he's said he never wanted this. That's it. Any other moment was psychosis or something. Love or not, he never wanted this. And yet I am displaying us scenarios and this is my us scenario you know like I need a solid partner right now. But theres no us. So now I'm thinking on everything else I'm Rly just alone. There's no us.

And if there's no us, and my only option is no us and I have to know there's no us? Awkward? To say the least?

But lastly, if there's no us, there's never been us and you never wanted us and this is an us scenario, why u here? Why fulfill some obligation to a thing u never wanted? Like I'm not so pitiful. I accepted outright I wouldn't get this surgery but others convinced me to. So why do this? U feel bad? U said u would? Who the fuck cares.

I want his shitty answer. I want to see how he shifts the blame on to me and I'm fucked. I want him to actively ignore the damage he did. Like prove to me you're not a giant piece of shit, prove you can form thoughtful sentences and present me care I need right now. Not asking for deep love and romance or marriage. I'm asking you to identify how I genuinely feel. I'm asking you to find a resolution that's real and true, even if it's you still running away. Care about me enough to truly get it.

But you won't. You don't know how. You don't care. It's a game. I'm playing a game. I'm trying to make you feel bad. I'm trying to trap you. The only way I'll feel good is to have you forever and ever.

The only thing you gave me was false hope and you will fight to the death that u never lied, it was never false. You told me none of this was real.

But this is real.

Ignore me. Give me silence for a few days right I'll get over it like I always do. Can't predict any show of love or care but can always predict when I'll be ignored. I'm hysterical right. Selfish. Stubborn.

I have absolutely nothing left to lose. Even my dignity is in pieces. I told ppl I was doing this! I told them thinking the whole time don't tell them don't even mention it don't hint at it but I'm naively running around lul I'm moving to pei. Like I'm 7.i feel stupid not cuz ppl think like oh she's stupid for believing him but because ppl will pity me and feel sorry for me like I am stupid I am thT chick. Crazy, poor, addict, must be easy. So dumb, so naive.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so i really think i am done now. 

like im weirdly overwhelmingly speechless but yet have so many thoughts and feelings but none of them of extreme anxiety.

he tells me he went to drop in group therapy today and that hes going to go to rehab after he takes care of me for a month and maybe he’ll be better for spring.

i’m like .........................................

oh. o.ka..y. i just spent weeks - literally weeks - being dragged along by him with phone calls and questions and requests and he saw me invest my energy and time and that i was becoming like excited for this prospect. yesterday i was being told i would make him homecooked meals and take care of his dog. like i was fed everything and boom “maybe, i don’t know, we’ll see”.

and i didnt know how to react because on one hand im like okay cool good job trying something new i hope this gives u something ur looking for and helps the situation. on the other im like wow you literally have zero care about me and even if youre sick and thats the excuse behind this back and forth - you dont care about me. is it the sickness that makes you not care or you yourself? and am i sticking around to find out on the hopes that rehab makes this better? like your complete constant inability to give any respect to another person. its not like im thinking he has to go through with the original plans or else but its like not one time did he mention hey thanks for working on this i appreciate that youre doing this with me and you put time into it and i really want to be on my top game and i know this kind of puts a bump in the road but im hoping that itll be worthwhile at the end of it because we’re on the right track but i am not.

it was just im doing this and this. cool. 

u know he cant consider other ppl right he has to only consider himself and how to make himself better while completely neglecting the massive damage he is currently doing around him but its okay because hes going to rehab and if i believe in this opportunity i wont be bothered by a bump in the road. 

yes i absolutely think my life story should be tramping across canada i guess by myself now to be with a guy fresh out of rehab. so fuck me right. and im just like.. sooooooooooo.... many emotions. im angry and bitter and sad and heartbroken and i dont know what to be. i dont know whats the “right” path for ME to take. because fuck anyone else fuck it all - whats the right path for me. do i want to be angry? do i want to cry? 

except i already knew how this went because i did it before the summer about this fucking trip so its like u must think im literally retarded. if i complained at all in anyway i was an asshole for not supporting his want to go to rehab. i didnt want him to get better. and there was no way to explain that he was just completely neglecting the damage he caused and was causing at this very moment regardless of his positive decision because nothing about making the ecision to go to rehab is that positive. its only positive because youre “getting better” otherwise youre going because you suck right now. thats not a positive decision. it is AFTER fucking rehab. but im not even on this level with him you know. im not saying any of this. i just know that if i say even one single thing about it, im an asshole even though its presented to me by an asshole. 

so i told him that i wanted to go and be sad and i talked to him later. he asked me why i was sad and really pressed on the issue and i told him it dint matter and i would prefer to just go but again he pressed and i felt anxious like either i flat out accepted what happened right now and just live my life in whatever new way i was required to in his shadow or tell him that i felt uncomfortable and sad and that he was just going to come for a month and go away again and that didnt make me feel good. 

and thus - well he was doing this positive thing and he wanted to feel better and not feel like he wanted to die everyday and you know i had this opportunity where i was too and i had problems i wasnt working on and it doesnt make him feel goo to have to deal with the stress of me being upset about his decision. 

and i was just so frustrated. like after two fucking years you still do not get it at all. like omg i could quit smoking everything tomorrow and still feel like absolute garbage and want to di ei could have a great job an still feel like garbage and want to ie because my BIGGEST MOST OVERWHELMING FEELING I HAVE NEVER NOT SHAKEN IN MY DAILY FUCKING BEING is loneliness. and its not like im forcing him to mae me not lonely. but when you offer this stupid dream world where im not going to be lonely, when you put on a mask to parade around and “care for me” after surgery but disappear promptly after its like do you not understand its literally more painful for me in my life to live with loneliness than anything this cyst does to me. anything. i could live with it for a year and it would be less worse than the all consuming depression of loneliness. and by feeling so lonely ive struggled with finding a purpose. and like i have friend(s). i have one very good friend ive had for two years that i really really connect with and really really respect and weve fought but its totally okay and when i feel really alone i honestly think of her maybe first and foremost because i genuinely feel loved by this person. i really really think they would do the most for me and in return i try to do the very most for them. and weve supported major life crisis with each other. we’ve really emapthized and like wanted nothing but the best for each other and like cried with each other and this person is truly an example of why it might be worth giving people more chances.

but i experience such an isolating loneliness and my personal battle because life has decided i will and have experienced this  is that i need to embrace being alone because of all the people who have hurt me. i am not prepared in any form to vouch for someone being okay. ive made so many excuses for shitty people and shitty behavior that deeply reflects and scarred my soul so fucking bad. im soooo tired of making excuses for shitty people. im really tired. 

i try to bring up that he had fed me all this crap and he bounced between saying “i knew it wasnt true” that he was “pretending to be normal” and that he was still buying the land and he didnt understand why this was such a problem for me because “nothing changed” and finally that he was “sorry” and kept asking me what i wanted or what i wanted him to say and its so disgusting to put the victim in a position where they have to teach you what it is you did wrong when its so fucking obvious that you lied.

and so i thought about it briefly after hanging up and once again - dont get surgery. i was so uncomfortable now. i was like downtrodden and disrespected and nothing of what he said gave me confidence in fucking anything so i had a choice of pretending like it was all totally okay and watching him leave at the end or being upset about it and getting the bare minimum care from someone who kept filling my head with ideas that were never going to actually happen. so now im like vulnerable and have to experience this person no matter what and like i dont even want to talk to him now. im so shocked. lke the full weight of what he just did has not even set in fully but i know that its so fucking heavy it just changed my soul and like the minions are working overtime to figure out how to put this shit back together because i cannot even believe the level of how he trie to sell me on this shit and have zero fucking compassion towards the idea that  he once again had to take a new path alone and “couldnt consider me anymore” but “nothing had changed”. dont be upset.

hes going to rehab. 

and like im sorry i dont really believe in the recovery of this person other than the symbolic “i went to rehab” because he smokes weed. he refuses - flat out fucking refuses to see what actual fucing hurt he caused people and hes the only person who can work on these things and in no fucking way what so ever do i believe weed has any part of what hes doing. i really dont. if i can be proven wrong in the end ill take it back in respect but fuck him anyways because if a heroin addict shot me in the leg he still shot me in the fucking leg. forgive but im not forgetting. 

like the shit he has made me do and go through is abysmal and hes never ever going to admit to anyone that he did these things to me so at no point is anyone going to turn to him and say uhm u did fucking what. so wheres my bonus in all of this when / if it all comes back in the spring and hes ready to go because omg guys he went to rehab and now hes enlightened and sober and better than all of us and still the giant piece of shit to me hes always been. and now more so because i still smoke weed and god u know im a real drug addict. 

i told him i was uncomfortable with getting surgery knowing i would essentially be stuck with him for this time and right now i was just really uncomfortable and upset. he said that was fine but he was offering to “fulfill his obligation” of caring for me and he still loved me and if i only wanted him to come make meals and change my banages an leave then he would.

and its like man no. at this moment right now. right fucking now i am full realization that this is super abusive even if youre sick. even if youre sick. because i know this. i did this. and i did this very similarly u know like this woman loved me. she loved me and she cared for me but lke there was alot of things i id wrong like i was lazy and ungrateful and spoiled and a bitch but she cared for me and especially - ESPECIALLY if i was “sick” she really “cared for me” and that cleared her record. everytime i was sick - well u know she did this and this for u. but like she was killing me EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY and all of this - al of this my whole life with this crazy woman was because she was sick. she was sick and this happened. and he was sick and this happened but like no matter the sickness this fucing HAPPENED. you damaged another persons soul like omg do u think u can get away with punching one of ur kids and going to mental ward one time and never ever have it brought up again no u damaged that kid and ur whole fucking family forever cuz ur sick. 

so ur saying before you go to rehab you will come back and care for the person that you have to “have no concern over” thereafter and that person can have literally no fucking emotion like youre a fucking home care nurse they never met before. like omg. are you for real. am i dead? why am i crazy because i think this is uncomfortable, stressful and awkward for the legitimately physically ill person. 

he says i can decide what i want, its my body but hes still offering to care for me and he doesnt want to play games because he was fine to take care of me and get surgery before he brought this up and i had already done this before and its like man why are you gaslighting me making me thinking my feelings about this are a manipulation tactic against you when its a legitimate fucking concern for my own well being and why is it insinuatingly so offensive that i switch to concern primarily for myelf when someone says theyre also doing the same thing. thats what makes you the most sick. and no one will ever reall see this. and its like when i realized i would never get anything back from my sick father and 10 years of caring for him and its just like damn. no one - no one will ever fully know what you did and thats how you actually won in all of this. even if i go out there and i say well he did this and this you already diminished my reputation of being like a logical level headed person in relationships and now i look fucing insane especially the embarassment of sticking around. 

like i cant even explain all the ways it oesnt feel right to get this surgery. ive had nightmares of dieing and its a nothing surgery. like maybe the anasthetics kill me or something. i have a surprise heart attack from my years of smoking. and if that doesnt happen then im here with him and like i dont even want ot look up what the surgery is because im 50% still in hope that like ill jump right up and be cool and like have no problem taking care of myself and i overestimated how much care iw ould need and its all good. best case scenario. then 50% im like okay if the cyst is as bad as it was and theyre cutting out a whole chunk of flesh and stitching it my likely best case scenario is moderate swelling and pain, moderate body movement and anxiety over a fucking wound thats so deep and like ive never had such a deep wound before and in this area i cant even bend with a cyst and its stitched what if i bent and it ripped like fair enough i could ask many of these questions of my personal anxieties with a doctor. and maybe what really happens is a bit of both and i struggle with feeding and bathing myself and my biggest concern is the set of stairs to the apartment and living in disgusting filthy room. 

so now im dealing with maybe a home care nurse level of care. im made some food. my bandage is changed and im left to fend for everything else even though there could be some limited mobility and stairs and just like.. not really being able to do anything strenuous and i imagine not alot of sitting and like this all sucks and now im watching the person i looked forward to the most feed me the bare minmum and leave. or he stays and is of more help and i fall into the same bullshit again. maybe he feeds me over and over these romantic bullshit lines like once i get out of rehab wel do this and this and blah blah blah because hes still fucking sick and theres no controlling what he will actually do so what he demonstrated is that hes unstable an i have no been freshly duped by him and i dont feel mentally strong enough to take the rollercoaster with him in any way shape or form. 

as he was repeating some shit about needing to respect him getting care for himself, my phone died and i took a deep breath and put it dow and was kind of thankful that the fates of technology decided this for me because i was really really super done. i know hes serious about going and i know hes serious about having no concern for me because hes already done all of these things so everythhing that happens is tainted to yeah hes right - “i knew all along” that he was a lieing piece of shit and i was wasting my time. 

and it bothers me that like on paper im like real shit luck in life, been through so much, have very little in posessions, no family and this person was like oh hey we’ll go do this and this and frolic through the land and its like do you even comprehend the weight of what you just did to this person. and to turn around and say make a way for yourself like im piggybacking off of you? omg. 

theres like a top 5 worst people ive ever personally known. my mother almost always tops the list for pure longevity. i have an ex friend who turned so vicious it like fucked us both up in the long run and im bitter about it. my most recent friend would maybe me number 5, maybe in running with my alcoholic friend because besides being nice theyre terrible people. but in this list, possibly #2 has to be him. he is worse than my ex because my ex’s “sickness” was being dumb as fuck and hes like.. hes just dumb. hes not terrible hes just really dumb and like not a good person to be around and even though i got him arrested im not ure he would be top 5. he was just so dumb that im not like traumatize by him im just like man thats on me. thats rly rly on me. but this guy --- im not so fucking retared im just running back to a piece of shit to be shit on with zero fucking bonus to my life. this person has to actively participate in making me want to come back by actions and words. im not stuck with him at all. no money ties. i dont live with him. why woud i go back unless he was gving me something i wanted? 

but he was never going to give me anything i truly wanted. and its my fault for sticking around. he told me all of this so i shouldve known even though “we’re going to have a sugar shack, we’re going to have a dog” - and just this mention of the word “we” was soooooooooooo fucking nice to me you have no idea. this really like.. stuck in my head and made me feel a tiny comfort like wow theres a we. i’m not just an i. i’m finally a we.

does he care? no he doesnt fucking care. hes sick. hes going to rehab. 

the bestthing he could do is leave me alone. thats truly the very best option. my trust is broken. like nothing he says to me from this point on is believable or true or leads to anything substantial. i should put no weight at all on anything he says which makes any conversation with him totally useless. because even if our convo is political i dont believe thats what he believes anymore. maybe tomorrow he believes something else. 

and if you love me. if you actually fucking love me you dont “love me to death”. thats not it. true love of me is an actual understanding of who i am and what ive been through, to really deeply respect where ive come from just lke i have to respect everyones living family my story should be equally respected and taken seriously and not toyed with. thats showing me a true love and if you cannot do this you need to step away and honestly man. its not like a step away for awhile and we’ll see like people are like wow ur so black and white but why am i fucking with a future you when both present and past blew it? there is no evidence to even back up future you and by the time future you outweighs all of this karmically, who the fuck cares that we ever knew each other its like some kid i sat beside in a classroom. like cool bro ur still alive wow nice. i never want to deal with him or anyting about him again. he made me carry so much of his weight he refuses to see it and i didnt need any of this in my life and i didnt ask for him to do any of this in my life. but i shouldve walked away sooooo long ago. i can reprimand myself fo this. but i also know im on my process and this is part of it. this is three years out. im not even homeless or fucked up im just like super sad about all of it. 

he had this speech about how i had to get the surgery before because we had to be ready for spring. so he had intertwined this surgery with this proposed future and i had to do it to be prepared and show him im serious and now im like bro if i get one in 3 months who cares ill just go to the hospital again. this is an option. they never said i would die if i idnt get it. its just a like.. quality of life surgery. and my quality of life is shit anyways this surgery and these cysts mean nothing to me and having to go through all of this man.. at one point he had literally said “if you dont get surgery because of me then thats how itll have to be” 

so you stepped on other people, you hurt other people and if they dont do a thing to better themselves because they have to deal with you “then so be it”? im going to ~rehab~.

i havent turned my phone back on for a few hours i guess and i really dont want to. he wont have done anything differnt, ill have gotten no messages but i dont know. i just.. i want to forget all of this. him, the surgery. just continue to hobbit for the month or something and “figure something out”. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

He called again rambling. But now he was more collected emotionally and it had turned bitter. But what stuck out to me was when he said he wanted to wake up and hope that he got what he wanted. I asked him what that was. He said to feel what he felt for the dead girl.

And I'm confused because of its purposefully open end. For what? For life? For his family? For what? What transference are you looking for? In conjunction with previous convos it seems like its for me so he's like angry now that he's not doing it and feels guilty that he can't do it?

The end of the convo was him ranting about how he just had to go on now because what else can you do and I'm glad he hung up because no shit my friend I'm the living fucking definition of this. U wanna talk about ur life changing? About no purpose? Bitch I don't give a fuck about the burdens I put on you because I'm bitter about my dead dad. I don't work because this is purposeless to me. The one thing I lived for is dead and every year since then has been a never ending search for something to make me feel again cuz even tho I'm sooo hurt that was my ingrained purpose like to me you took away a dogs job. Like a dog that cant run a sled anymore. It just watches sadly while others do it and like why live when you can't run itsdepressing but you let them run and they're stoked. But it's not that simple. And I have no answers. I am here to welcome you on the path of grief. True deep grief. And you will hurt like you have never hurt and feel in ways u will never feel for another person and you will walk this path alone most of the time and yes literally the only option you have is move the fuck forward. You can't go back. No matter how much you scream and cry you can't go back.

You know what my purpose in life is? Sharing my experience of hardship. I'm the proof you're not alone and life is hard and unfair

I tried to joke that this also did not give me confidence in his care giving skills and he immediately became insecure "I'm going to take care of you I'm going to do the best I can to take care of you I don't know what you want me to say if you don't trust me find another caregiver I give you all my love and time and attention and if you don't trust me then you don't trust me"

I told him it was referring to crazy drunk him. Not his literal person. But that really said a lot. It was just like massive insecurities.

I still don't feel loved I feel trapped by a crazy person - again. I feel familiarity.

I guess it's funny right. This whole time I'm thinking god I want to go home. I want to be with my dad again. I'm over all this.

But here we are.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

So he calls me, sobbing. I did nothing. We had a convo about how to use the land peacefully and I looked up a bunch of shit that made this way harder than we both thought and told him and I don't even know if that's apart of the crazy shit I listened to but omg

He tells me straight out that he doesn't know how to explain how much he loves me and he doesn't know why it's so hard for him because I could do this and this to him and he would still love me I could take all his land and he would still love me.

I didn't know what to say. He does this sometimes in moments of his own weakness. I can never know how much he loves me and sometimes he's angry about it.

He continued that he had never loved anyone in his life more than me, that he loved me more than he loved the dead girl but he didn't love me the same way and I wanted him to love me the same and he didn't know how or he couldn't or something. I tried to tell him I didn't want him to love me like her but he was drunk and insistent.

He became increasingly upset and sobbed about how he just wanted to make sure I was okay and he's trying to figure out how he can make sure I'm OK the rest of my life all the time and he doesn't know how to do it.

He eventually hung up after incoherent sobbing and I did not know what to do. What did it mean? I know he loves me more because I'm the only person who has ever treated him like this. I have so much love and care and respect and I put up with soooo much and keep coming back because we're the same. I'm just waiting for him to realize. Just as he realized he loves me more than a girl he adores.

And "but not the same as her" is like a break up line but she's dead and I'm here and he loves me more anyways? What does it even mean? Did I need any of this? Why not a classic love letter?

Because he doesn't love me like that?

And now he comes back in days into this. And he can't run or ignore me because we're committed to my stupid surgery. So now this is just here between us. Like bitch I wanted a simple ass life. I wanted the idea of a family and support system undefined. I don't know what it'll look like. Then I want a secure stable environment that in no way did I ask to own. I didn't even mean forever. I meant like.. 3-5 years maybe. Not forever. And like what does he get from just giving me land and this opportunity? I'm not your kid at all and u don't love me in such ways but enough ways to make a lifetime investment to me not.. Living on the streets?

Before he left he argued that I needed to be taken care of and that I had no capabilities to truly care for my well being. I told him I would be okay for the most part. Like I'm still here, right? And he's sobbing about my struggle and he doesn't want to see me struggle but my life is so complex with so many struggles and I was like sad for him being sad for me because I could hear the desperation for me and my life seperate from everyone else. Not his friend, not the dead girl, like for once it sounded like he might understand how heavy the weight is that I carry and he's cracking under my weight as he desperately tries to come up with a solution. I didn't ask for one but he's moved to a point he'd give up everything to have me be okay.

And to be honest I don't care because the actions are minimal. I'm like wow ok cool but you sent her flowers on Valentine's and I got nothing. You broke up with me on my bday and every proceeding month after. You refuse to live with me in any manner. But you love me you want the best for me bitch my dad gave me vday cards. Here's what you need to reconcile: you legit and admit!! To treating me poorly and it's been 2 years and you know all the poor ass shit you've done to me and me not wanting surgery made you realize I don't trust you anymore. You realize your shit and you treated a girl you loved less better than me and you think it's some deep ass philosophical shit when it's you refusing to admit you fucked up and have been very wrong and to top it off because you were banking on this sooooo hard - it could be years before I'm remotely secure by his plans and actual financial abilities so my investment in him no longer pays off and he has to bank entirely on my love for him which is why I'm getting a hail Mary pass telling me he loves me sooo much and is doing everything for me

But I'm sorry didn't you tell me I wouldn't have this if she wasn't dead. So this is just the fall out of doing everything for her. Im just getting left overs, right?

You kicked the dog so many times you created permanent damage. Still a dog, still following your sorry ass, still loving you but when you raise a foot fuck it I'm out I don't care. You made me mistrust you to a point i have no belief in what you thought you could give me because I know you couldn't even give me that.

I know my reaction made it worse but he deserves to sit with this alone. I've been there and I know it's shit and it's the really fucked part of life to be alone and feel such things but you have to. I think he wanted me to placate his feelings somehow?

I don't know. He just chipped away at my trust for so long that I don't believe he's telling the truth. I think he's just scared and reaching. It's funny how he didn't have to lie to make me not trust him. Just being so fucked so many times it's more predictable that he's fucked than he's not. I truly feel no better at all in any way what so ever. I feel uncomfortable and confused but not anxious so bonus? I'm still not crazy but we knew this.

So here's my intentions and dreams and thoughts sent to the fates; I want to wake up tomorrow solidified. Or like sometime tomorrow or proverbial tomorrow. But I want it all to be real. I want him to come to, realize he wants to give me what I wanted all along and maturely explains his thoughts and fears about it in such a way that I'm convinced he's being truthful and that this is the final turning point.

Can you please stop being so convoluted and complicated and let's just fucking be together until we're not