sophocused

[sophocused]

Andrea Gibson

[sophocused]

[sophocused]

@roach-works // Melissa Broder, "Problem Area" // Mary Oliver, "The Return" // @annavonsyfert // Koyoharu Gotouge, Demon Slayer // Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance // David Levithan, How They Met and Other Stories // Tennessee Williams, Notebooks

[sophocused]

{Quotes:Nitya prakash/Richard siken ,crush}

[sophocused]

Nikos Engonopoulos, from Bolívar, a Greek Poem

[sophocused]

Heart Shaped Pots

[sophocused]

Mary Oliver, from “Hum Hum”, A Thousand Mornings

[sophocused]

update: we got engaged on our 3rd anniversarg, and got married 6 months ago. we are a few months away from looking for our own house, and we have a 1.5 year old boy cat ♡

I never had an unconditional love like this.

I thought I knew what it was in high school, the time you invested in each other, the honesty and vulnerability you expressed to each other, the picking of fights out of boredom but being loved anyway, being loved even if I was being unreasonable. Looking back, most of the reason I stayed in that 2 year relationship was because, well since we went to the same school, we just had to see each other everyday. Not to bash on it at all, but it was clearly codependent, there was a skewed power dynamic, and we were both in all ways, immature. We ended decently though, not through a text and not through a giant fault. We simply outgrew each other. I loved him in a way that I wanted him to go and figure himself out without it having anything to do with me. I wanted to figure out who I was besides being his girlfriend. I don't regret it, but since it's the only other serious relationship I can compare to, it is worlds away from how I feel in my current relationship.

I was in the second half of my 3rd year in uni, when I decided to download a dating app, just because I wanted to prove to myself that I could talk to people without changing the way I am, without getting scared, without bending to their narrative, I just wanted to show myself I could handle people. It wasn't even for romance at first, because I didn't believe that could come from a dating app. I was just enjoying the validation of matches casually, not getting hopped up, but also intrigued by my newfound lack of anxiety.

My boyfriend right now, I'll call him E, I came across him and recognized him from my first and second year. He was just in my labs, we only shared a few jokes, and he was from the other side of the city. He was cute and tall, and had a vibrant thing about him when it came to his laugh or just the way he carried himself. (I had no idea he was a comp sci student because he was in my science labs)

Anyway, those first impressions were enough for me to swipe right on him for this time, even though I hadn't seen him in over a year, and never really spoke to him. What's pretty crazy is I was already about a week into talking a different guy (we'll call him G, who was being too hot and cold about how he felt about me) what's more unbelievable is, I messaged E first, which I didn't normally do. It was simple, just seeing if he recognized me from those labs as well.

I still remember saying, "woow you saw my scrubby 830am self and still swiped right, I'm flattered".

And he said, "what can I say? I couldn't resist your face".

We were both awkward and very clearly busy with our midterms coming up but he kept up, we were both intrigued by the other's identities and the lives led, the stories behind them, mannerisms and just the way we talked and spoke. A balanced playing field of expressing a genuine urge to connect and to know the other.

He was like an opposite, yet the two of us felt like both sides of the same coin. How our minds traversed and how unraveled we conversed just made sense, attuned to each other's language, even though it did feel like we were from different planets. Maybe it was because we welcomed and embraced our differences, celebrated them as much as we beamed at our similarities.

Our relationship didn't progress in the way that had too much likeness to what I saw in modern media of how romance sparked, and I was fortunate of that. There were no mind games, no milestones of closeness like giving pet names, or getting flaunted on each other's social media (not that that is a bad thing for couples to do, it is just not my standard of measuring development/stability)

We dove into difficult conversations casually; religion (he's protestant, and I'm catholic), politics, our stance on love, our constant stance with each other, feelings for each other, plans for the future, issues we were passionate about, the changes we want to make, the life we want to lead, the person we were and the person we were trying to be. For hours, talking to him, being with him, felt like a privilege I was honoured to be bestowed with. I felt "lucky" that I got to keep enjoying this man's company.

The pandemic made us both difficult, difficult being an understatement for my case. New couples would commonly give up after first signs of struggle and the need for even better communication. (At least that's what I was taught to expect from heterosexual relationships, and my experiences with men). Through the pandemic, losing my rhythm and my entire daily routine that made me proud of who I was, I grew to dislike myself, breaking down all I had built up in the past two years, doubting myself and second-guessing every optimistic thought I was barely capable of mustering up.

He, on the other hand, while I went into an involuntary hiatus from loving myself, kept reminding me, that I was still a pleasure to talk to, that I have nothing to worry about, that I can always find my way back to a version of myself that I liked, all while constantly making me feel like my current, self-labeled unworthy self, was undeniably still deserving of his unlimited source of love and care. He never once made me feel like I was asking for too much or made me feel like I was going crazy, or that he is getting tired of me. He had/has such an astounding capacity for ways to love me that I had never set standards for in my life.

He continues to surprise me, as he just helped me get through one of my most difficult low episodes of my life, to the point that I almost hurt myself by telling him to leave my life because I didn't want to end up hurting his love from my declining and fluctuating mental health, and kept waking me up to the fact that my worst fears were only in my head, and that he still could feel my love.

I have never been loved like this, not even by myself, so it is safe to say, I'm excited to keep growing still. No matter how sad I get, I still have the tiniest voice telling me that even now, I am still fully capable of becoming a version of myself whom I love, while loving my current self without labeling myself as a work in progress.

He loves me like this because I am deserving of a love like this. I will remind myself always.

#nina rambles

[sophocused]

I'm not even kidding I think food service jobs are the hardest customer service jobs that exist and if you have them on your resume long enough that it's clear you could maintain them people should be begging on their hands and fucking knees for you to work for them.

[sophocused]

the entire point of life is to be silly, kind, and really weird btw.

[sophocused]

Yesterdays spread in my daily pocket 🪴

[sophocused]

There’s certain benign activities that you should do even if someone is judging you because the sort of person who would judge you for doing that isn’t a person worth listening to.

Worried about wearing that pikachu shirt when you usually don’t wear t-shirts? Do it. The sort of person who would judge you for wearing a pikachu shirt isn’t worth your time.

Worried someone will judge you for eating in public? What sort of idiot cares about another person eating a salad at the park? Just do it.

Worried you’re not dressed well enough for this mall? It’s a mall. If someone judged you for showing up in basketball shorts they have too much time on their hands.

[sophocused]

If you wish to buy me a coffee you can do it here: https://ko-fi.com/purrinink :)

[sophocused]

desert blooms

instagram - twitter - website

[sophocused]

art tips

don't call what you create "content". regardless of what it is. that's the devil talking. call it art, call it writing, call it music, call it analysis, call it editing, literally just call it what it is

I was going to put other things but oh my god please just don't call yourself a "content creator". you are a person you are making art / writing / music / etc you are an artist an author a musician

you are not an Image Generator For Clicks And Views. please. allow yourself to connect with your work by naming it properly and acknowledging yourself in kind

[sophocused]

Reminders for the Anxious/Depressed Creatives

You’re more than what you make.

Your productivity does not determine your value.

It’s okay to do nothing sometimes.

Not everything you do has to result in a product.

Not everything you make has to be important, significant, or even good.

You can make things just for yourself.

You can keep secrets for yourself, whether it’s not posting some of your projects or not sharing your techniques.

You’re allowed to say no.

You’re allowed to rest.

[sophocused]