spellingisoverated

[spellingisoverated]

I think one of the hardest struggles of adhd for me is the lack of automaticity. Neurotypical people seem to be able to do things automatically. For them, get dressed consists of one step--get dressed.

But with adhd, it's hard to do things automatically because your brain is elsewhere, both consciously and subconsciously. "Getting dressed" isn't just one step, it's many. It's getting up, going to the closet, opening the closet, throwing the clothes on the bed, changing, put old clothes in the hamper, etc. etc.

And your brain can stop paying attention at any one of those steps. If you're not careful when you get up, you might go to the kitchen instead of the closet. If you're not paying attention, you might forget to put the old clothes in the hamper.

I think this is one of the reasons that compensating for unmedicated adhd is HIGHLY energy consuming. With anything you do, there are a million little micro steps where you can get derailed. I think this is why anxiety is often comorbid with adhd: it's one of the only conditions that forces you to always, always stress about what step you fucked up on.

[spellingisoverated]

Remember that if talk or type weird all ok

Remember that if not low support need all ok

Remember that if not level 1 autism all ok

Remember that if nonverbal or semiverbal all ok

Remember that if cognitive function low all ok

Remember thay if dysfunctional all ok

Remember that if "more debilitating autism" all ok

Remember that disability ALWAYS debilitate one thing or another, if have "less accepted" autism still valid and deserving of love respect help

[spellingisoverated]

It's not that I don't want to visit, it just wasn't on the list I made in my head

[spellingisoverated]

I bring a sort of "can't read social cues" vibe to every social situation that I can't tell if anyone likes or not

[spellingisoverated]

Autistics often have decreased autobiographical memory.

Autobiographical memory is an individual's personal history. Things such as where you went to school, how old you were when you learnt to ride a bike, what year you graduated etc.

Autistics have more difficulty recalling these memories at all, have fewer of these memories, or find that there are disjointed episodic memories (memories of the event occurring) but bad semantic memory (the ability to store and retrieve the memories).

This can lead to a difference in how we socially share our own history and narratives and our own social identity. Autobiographical memory is important in letting an individual understand their own experiences, social ties and place in a group.

Memories may take on a third person view rather than a first person view.

This may also lead to difficulties in being able to recall any specific emotions to the events that have occurred.

#it has pockets

[spellingisoverated]

turtleneck giraffe

[spellingisoverated]

i will be autistic for a moment but living in a world where social expectations and standards are made by others and expected to be followed lest you be seen as a 'failed' person somehow when those standards are not based in personal happiness or autonomy or kindness to others makes me feel genuinely insane like daily

[spellingisoverated]

[spellingisoverated]

Sometimes I see people on here who want to be good allies to nonverbal autistics, but at the same time don't understand nonverbal autism at its core.

Most of us, who are nonverbal "from birth", struggle with language, to communicate, and to understand complex concepts. That's why we never learned to speak at all, ever.

But their strategy is to "hand us the mic" and ask "What are some misconceptions about nonverbal autism you'd like to discuss?" and expect us to respond.

"Misconceptions" is an abstract concept. Most of us can't just come up with an answer; my mind, for example, goes completely blank when I read this.

I wanted to talk about allies assuming that our brain works similar for at least 2 weeks, but it's only now that I am able to write something. 2 weeks!

Sure, there are autistics who can't speak due to apraxia, and who don't struggle with language otherwise, apart from the "not being able to speak with their mouth" part. But that's rare.

Even my ability to express myself well is rare. I am not your average nonverbal autistic. I am very skilled compared to the rest of us.

One thing about "never learning to speak" is that most of us really really struggle with language, and with understanding big words and topics. Not everyone, but many of us. That's why most of us aren't on social media.

Whenever I write "educational" posts, my inbox is flooded with follow up questions I just can't answer without help. Because most of the time I don't understand the text. I regularly have to close my inbox because people assume that I can process the text and respond like everyone else can. But having these abilities is an exception within autistics who never learned to speak from the very beginning. It seems normal, but those people just are the loudest. Because they're on social media and love to participate in discussions.

Most of us can't do that.

I'm glad that I made some speaking friends here who made an effort to understand us thoroughly, and they now often repeat what we think and want "but louder". Listen to them, most of us can't advocate for ourselves. They're not speaking over us, they're helping us to communicate without draining our energy.

And for everything else I have some posts linked in my pinned post because I can't just participate in discussions.

[spellingisoverated]

Some of the Walmarts are doing sensory friendly hours and while I haven’t been to them personally it seems like they’re actually dimming those horrid lights and turning down the music. I really hope they continue doing this.

#Walmart #autism #sensory issues

[spellingisoverated]

Autism

NeuroWild

[spellingisoverated]

[spellingisoverated]

not all autistic act same + you can’t always tell someone autistic by just look or interact, but. i find when late/self/no diagnosed invisibly autistic people (who often lower support needs but not always) say “autism don’t have a look” really annoying because

you talking about us who visibly autistic who strangers can tell a mile away or immediate when interact with us. we the “autism look.” we exist just because you not one of us don’t mean we don’t exist.

yes need fight against “all autistic act same and i can always tell” but say opposite also doesn’t help it harms

autism stereotypes not true for all autistic (except like. diagnostic criteria) but need remember many autism stereotypes exist because it true for some of us remember us in your advocacy

[spellingisoverated]

Many say “oh youre higher needs higher lv autism? you just communicate differently n that valid!!”

but, often see ppl often walk around or boil down to “if communicating At All then good”, what if cant? what if when Yom isnt thinking, communicating differently, or expressing At All?

unable to communicate doesnt equal less value. doesnt mean less human. often for self, we dont feel conscious. we often stare off or look at nothing and nothing at all in brain. lot of times we dont think, and other times think and daydream lots, but still no respond. lot of times cant even use own aac when needed most.

dunno how to describe for us, it just nothing

and not responding or doing anything at all doesnt equal ignoring you or “no”. often do want something but body does Nothing, so it assumed “no”.

For Yom, we often Are in our own world. perception of world so different. no less human. Not made for your world. Dont think or breathe same

still deserve love, even if not pleasing you. Been told many bad things because brain don’t communicate at all lot times. been assumed “bad person” because dont respond

This is all the time, not just selective mutism for I

—

everyone different, we are not fact for all. always ask when comfortable.

for us, it best to not force us to do anything, or keep asking “what wrong? what u want me to do?” when not responsive, cuz often can’t respond at all. it best to just make us feel safe n comfortable. so sick of ppl talking so much

[plz reblog]

[spellingisoverated]

Being Nonspeaking and Indigenous

One thing that I have struggled with most of my life is feeling like I don't belong to the communities I am a part of, because I cannot verbally speak my language(s). I am a Sámi and Inupiaq person who grew up with both my cultures being a big part of my life. In Sámi culture, one of the biggest things that connects you to your community is being able to speak the language. I can still understand both spoken Northern Sámi and Inupiaq fluently, but I cannot speak out loud, and I can only use Swedish and English on my AAC. My spelling is pretty bad in Northern Sámi. I can only write Inupiaq semi-well, and I can only write it in qaliujaaqpait (Latin script). This leaves me feeling like I'm not "Sámi enough" or "Inupiaq enough" to use those labels for myself. Many people in both my communities understand this, and have been very kind and understanding. There are many reasons that someone can't speak the language of their community, and disability is just one of them. Just my thoughts today.

[spellingisoverated]

Good parenting advice & education about emotional regulation, how to manage meltdowns, etc. turns out to be pretty good information about managing *your own* emotional dysregulation too.

Part of healing really is reparenting yourself.

#t tag

[spellingisoverated]

Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

#t tag