Today is my husband’s 17th bday. I miss him so much, not just who he was but the remarkable man he would have been.
When you’ve been masking for most of your life because everyone missed diagnosing me until 19 and you were punished as a kid for exhibiting any kind of stim so now you’re an adult and diagnosed you randomly stim sometimes and don’t know why
(Basically how my “assessment” went)
Doctor: So you think you’re autistic?
Doctor: Oh but I see you’re trans. Can you explain what non-binary is to me?
Me: *explains* But this isn’t important. We should probably talk about why I’m actually here.
Doctor: When did you start experiencing dysphoria.
Me: When I was a kid-… The reason I’m here?? Autism!?
Doctor: Uh-huh, and when did you start experiencing dysphoria?
Me: I-I just answer- I’m here for a reason! This is your job! Can we talk about why I’m actually here??
Doctor: Yeah, just a second. So when did you start experience gender dysphoria?
Me: Autism? That’s what I’m here for!? Tics? Excessive daydreaming? Audio hallucinations? Trauma? Hello!?
Doctor: Yeah, the kid’s lying about it all. They just watch too much anime and want attention. They’re overreacting, their “trauma’s” not really trauma.
Me: The fuck?
I’ve started wearing ear plugs at night because I was getting to the point where I was constantly waking up over and over at night because of noise. Anyway, now when I wake up it’s literally completely silent, but then when I take my ear plugs out I suddenly hear the heater and the lights and AAAH it’s really weird >_<
Lol but they are helping me sleep
Mom stop saying “Youre not autistic, you have aspergers.” challenge
Lace of sparks curls
I am inside contained briefly
Another shape entirely
Between skull bones and tongue
A little broken
A little queer
The unreliable narrator of reality
Of soft impressions fluid
Finding all the cracks
But I am something else
star lit darkness deep
No depths no bones at all
The imperfect channels will erode
Sputter into dissolution
Leaving me bare and bright
tumblr is all about supporting neurodivergent people until it’s autistic men being openly autistic. i cannot stress how many times i’ve seen people shame an autistic man just for being autistic in public. this includes, but is not limited to:
- MANSPLAINING oh my god. yall are all like “i love when people tell me about their special interests ☺️☺️☺️” then lose your shit at an autistic man trying to do exactly that. this discourages them from ever telling anyone again! i don’t think i need to tell any autistic person or someone with rejection sensitive dysphoria how much it hurts to want to tell people about an interest only to be met with hostility.
- a continuation of the previous point, shaming special interests and hyperfixations: very simple example of that is men who are interested in military history. i see sooooooo many posts that are about tuning out men who are passionate about it or calling them fascists for being interested in learning about armed combat. i personally don’t care for military history either but posts that are specifically worded to be like “fuck this man for being interested in history” are… strange.
- accusing them of gatekeeping; you people are all like “no one gets bullied for being a nerd anymore”, “it’s cool to be a nerd now” until like, actual nerds get upset that big companies like disney buy out properties they love and change them around to fit #Wokeism and sell more shit. oftentimes, the people who are upset about these changes are autistic and the stuff being completely denatured by big companies are their special interests/hyperfixation! if my special interest was taken and changed to “appeal to a bigger audience”, i’d be upset too, but i wouldnt catch half as much flack because im an afab nb autistic person. thats just the facts baby! not to mention that in like 95% of cases, the thing being changed are just for publicity and the Company never cares about the minorities they’re representing.
- not adhering to beauty standards and displaying autistic behavior in general: shamed for being fat, having neck beards… as an Autistic™ myself i KNOW how much of an ordeal it is to take care of myself because of just how awful some stuff feels. brushing my teeth? having wet hair? the itchiness that comes after shaving? it’s a nightmare!! yet autistic men are clowned on for being “dirty” and “looking neglected”. also, the typical autistic behavior (being awkward, perceived as weird in public) is suddenly not okay when it’s a man displaying it..?
like i get it. some autistic behavior is annoying as fuck (sometimes interrupting people; not realizing you’re not wanted; being literal all the time…) and should not be inherently encouraged or allowed just because somebody is autistic. the problem here is declaring a hatred for men and then just describing autistic people, while claiming to be supportive of autistic people. that’s incredibly insulting to everyone.
not even getting into how that allows terfs to infiltrate our circles, and how some of you people embarrass yourselves by being like “it’s not the same for you!” when trans autistic men get upset with your rhetoric. care to explain what’s not the same??? it’s just not clicking!
Sensory Share: Cringemata, Hyper-empathy Paresthesia Beams, and Expressions of Overwhelm
An entry in my personal sensory dictionary is “cringemata”.
Cringemata: cringe + stigmata
A sustained sensation of cringe in the palms and soles alike to being on the edge of a sneeze that never quite comes.
CW: woeful medical context
I am hypersensory to light touch pretty much everywhere. Waves of paresthesia suffuse me. My muscles boil with fasciculations and cramp until they tear. My…
Personal opinion? I don’t really have a firm stance on self-diagnosing. If you believe that you’re neurodivergent, then I believe you and I believe you should get help and any accommodations in school/work that you can ask for, as long as you can justify it to teachers/bosses.
By that I mean, if you think that you’re autistic and you struggle with keeping focus in an exam hall, but think that extra time or a smaller room might help, I think you are totally in your rights to ask for those things with the justification of “I think I am _ and I think _ might be helpful for me because I struggle with _ ”
Bare in mind, I’m from a country with free healthcare, so my assessment was free. Especially in places like the US, where an assessment is NOT free, I 100% support self diagnosis on the basis that not everyone can afford to get tested.
Chewing gum is something that I used to do all the time, too! It’s a form of Oral Stimming (providing yourself with physical stimulation of some kind, and it usually helps us to focus on other tasks).
Stimming is something people with ADHD and people with Autism do, so it could really be down to either in your case.
ADHD and Autism have very high comorbidity rates (they occur together in people quite a lot) which means it’s likely that you have both. Sometimes they can be misdiagnosed as each other because of the large overlap, but I think it’s more likely for the misdiagnosis to happen the other way around.
If you haven’t already seen it, take a look at this ADHD-Autism Venn Diagram I made! It shows the overlapping symptoms between the two, and shows which are separate. I hope you manage to figure it out!
Do other people constantly have music playing in their head or is this an autistic thing?
Any other autistic people experience this?
Sometimes i ask my mom a question like “what time will dinner be ready?” and she will give me an answer like “in a few minutes” or “in about 20 minutes” and i just feel agitated. Like, ??. I asked what time and not when? Of course I can figure out for myself what time “in about 20 minutes” is, but I still just get so annoyed. I asked a question and you gave me an answer to a different question.
Another reminder is that: having an mental illness/disorder/disability. doesn’t and will never define who you are. You are you. No matter what. No matter what anyone says or thinks you will always be yourself even if you have bpd or autism. Doesn’t matter what it is. Whatever you are going through is completely and utterly valid. remember you are loved believe it or not. Take your meds. Have a glass of water and get a good nights sleep bby❤️❤️
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# ’s #& # # #
The story starts like this: Approximately two weeks before I was told that I no longer qualified for my insurance which subsequently ended my therapy sessions, my therapist and I were discussing one of my bigger issues which was physical contact. I won’t go into much detail about it, but I’ve never been comfortable with people touching me. I didn’t like intimacy, and the thought of my own family hugging me gave me anxiety and I often had a very vocal reaction to it.
Out of nowhere, my therapist asked me if I’ve ever been tested for being on the autism spectrum. It caught my off guard–I’m twenty-seven years old, how could I possibly be on the spectrum? I’ve only ever been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety; I told her that, which she knew of course, and she explained to me that both of those can be found in people on the spectrum.
She explained the traits that she’d come to notice in me, and believed that I might have Asperger’s Syndrome–but, again, I would have to be tested by a medical professional for this. That’s where our therapy session ended–where, to my misfortune, my very last session of therapy ended.
A bombshell; I did speak with my psychiatrist about it the following day (again, before my insurance had abruptly ended), and he told me the same thing. I do have the traits, but I would need to be tested.
But once my insurance ended, I couldn’t get tested; I didn’t have the money necessary to do these tests. All I had was the word of two people that I trusted very much, and the several nights spent researching every aspect of the spectrum, and where I fell on it. And, boy, did I do research. Even after two years, I still do research. I find out new things every day; I follow people who are on the spectrum, and they provide me with information about it.
I’ve learned so much, and every new batch of information helps me to understand what I am, and it makes me feel at ease. A pin drops when I learn something new; when I hear a fact and take a look at my behaviors and realize oh, that’s me! To me, it felt precisely how I felt when I admitted to myself that I was Trans for the first time; this was a part of my identity that I couldn’t put a word on it, but I can now.
But I still haven’t been diagnosed. I haven’t spoken to a professional (how can I, without insurance?). And… it makes me worry; it makes me worry that I’m placing myself into a community that, medically, I may not really be a part of. It feels like I’m on an airplane, in a seat I thought I purchased, but the flight attendant is telling me that I’m not even on the flight roster.
Is my place in the community valid? Even though I’ve done the research?
I’m so scared; I’m so worried that if I present myself, in hopes that I’ll find others like myself, that I’ll get rejected. That I’ll be told I don’t belong.
Do I belong?