Am I wrong for despising a mentally challenged student?
There was a post that I made about how I was annoyed of her for disruptive in the hallways and telling her to shut up. Anyways, there is more to about her. For the sake of the summary, I would call her Agnus.
It all started when I was in sixth grade where I was looking at a spot in the cafeteria then I saw a girl (who is agnus) and I thought she seemed nice. When I sat next to her as tried to have conservation with her, she would keep saying “I’m the best”. During the same year, I had special therapy with her and I thought she wasn’t that bad until I saw her true colors. She’s so obnoxious in the cafeteria as I keep telling her to stop but she won’t listen to me. Even my friend with Down syndrome dislikes her. I pretty much have to work on group projects with her and even sat close to her in my english class which is no fun. I would sometimes go to the restroom to isolate and I moaned about it one time.
In 8th grade, she gotten worse and practically became a bully. In government class, she kept insulting at a group of male students for no reason. Did I mention that she doesn’t even have an associate but I have one? Anyways, I was pretty much forced to work with her on group projects and she is no help. On one group project, she kept saying how much she hates her mom no reason while smiling and laughing. On another one, she kept showing a magazine about a “cute boy” working in target. I actually blame her for failing in middle school and being forced to be in special Ed throughout Highschool.
Speaking of Highschool, when I was in Highschool, I didn’t have to work with Agnus on projects anymore but I have to deal with her in a lot of classes. During my freshman year, my earth science class was playing a Kahoot game. I was caught up and pretty much got all of the answers right. However, Agnus’ disruptive behavior caused me to fall behind and lose kahoot. In the same class as I was sitting by her, I couldn’t concentrate on my computer assignments due to her disruptions. Luckily, the teacher separated us.
In my sophomore year, she was the absolute worst in special Ed English class as she wouldn’t stay quiet. One time, I told her of how she’s annoying me and she responded “I don’t care”. By the way, in my special Ed American history class, a group of girls were complaining about her. I’m felt relieved that I’m not the only who felt like this. Especially how Agnus is pampered by other students and staff.
During my senior year, my mental health has gotten worse (I’m autistic and I have depression and anxiety) and partially blame Agnus for it. She was so obnoxious in special Ed English class as she tries too hard to be a gangster. In PE class, there is a sophomore girl who I will call Emily and she hates Agnus more than I do. Agnus pretty much stalks her.
The sad thing about the situation is how I would get nightmares of lashing out my anger towards Agnus since I was in 8th grade.
The good news is that I’m in college now and I don’t have deal with her anymore.
However, I do sometimes feel guilty for resenting her.
Btw, I posted on the AITA subreddit. However, there is a strict rule where there is a 3,000 character limit. So I pretty much deleted a lot of my sentences (all of them are important) and caused Redditors to think that I’m being petty, childish, and blaming her for no reason. I am extremely hurt by this.
Hi, is this ask blog for people to only ask questions specifically about autism like, "is this an autistic thing-" or is it open to autistic folks who are having issues in their life relating to autism and or their diagnosis but isn't specifically about symptoms and stuff? Cause I need to talk about something that I want another autistic persons perspective on but I dont want to send an ask if it would derail from your blogs purpose. Thank you, please have a good day. 🍀
Hi, thanks for asking. I don’t have any restrictions in that regard, so any questions related to autism are welcome, including asks for advice or my opinion on something. So feel free to message me the thing you need another autistic person’s perspective on. :)
You also have a good day!
i think its important to talk about rsd and where it comes from. a lot of allistic people don’t understand what its like to feel excluded or unwanted. i am constantly told by my own friends that im handling exclusion poorly and that i just need to rely on my own self worth instead of obsessing over being excluded. the thing is they don’t really understand what its like? they dont understand the kind of damage it does to a person when throughout their whole life they are constantly rejected or excluded from others, been told its because of some trait of theirs that they dont like or isnt good enough, and left to feel guilty for themselves afterwards. and the times that they are included? its out of pity or a teacher asking a student to sit next to the “lonely kid with no friends.” its all forced. and dont think autistic people dont notice the difference. i sure do. because for years its been like this. its why i have trust issues and issues knowing whether a friendship is real or not. because it was just a constant that whatever “friends” i did have were completely fake or forced. it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. this was a constant all the way through high school. this kind of treatment taught me to always question my friendships, to be skeptical of bonds i have because more often than not they were made from pity or to get brownie points for befriending “the disabled kid” or “the weird girl.” it taught me to raise my defenses up and look for every little detail and pattern to make sure the people around me werent faking it. this is where rsd is birthed, at least for me it is. im exhausted with the constant rejection and constant feeling of not being good enough for real friends and finding out that what i thought was real wasnt all along. im exhausted with feeling gullible for letting myself believe i had a real connection only to find out that i wasn’t really wanted. so im sorry if my defenses are up but ive dealt with this for too long for me to be okay with it. “there will be some bad apples here and there throughout your whole life” if all the apples on a tree have been consistently bad then theres something wrong with the tree and its pointless to wait for good ones. even if i go to another tree and find a shiny ripe one and pick it off you may find that there were actually bugs inside or maybe that was the last good apple that tree was able to produce. but yeah sure i guess i can just rely on myself instead and everything will be fine. you know, the self i have consistently been made to believe isnt good enough for friendship, the self that has been passed around between people that don’t want it so nobody has to spend too much time with me. sorry if im skeptical but this is all ive known. and i understand that rejection is something allistic people face too, but it is specifically excruciating for autistic people. its already hard for me to understand social situations how the hell am i supposed to navigate them easier when all ive known is “youre not good enough”
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