stars---thunderbird

[stars---thunderbird]

Some quick background: John is paranormal activity deflector. Shit happens around, but he is like, surrounded by a 10ft no-go zone.

 Before Elric was born, we joked that he was going to be like a magnet or super powerful medium. 

Anyways, the other day John goes, "I have a really dark, morbid thought." 

"What?"

 "What if he makes those sounds (we call them the pterodactyl screams) because he sees like, tortured souls and demons and that's the sound they're making?"

 I looked at him and was like. See above picture.

#parenting

[stars---thunderbird]

I once made an offhanded joke in front of a me coworker that I would, “date the dude that got me that bear in a heartbeat.” I cannot stress how much I was joking.

It was this bear (see photo below).

I came into work a few days later and low and behold, it was sitting on my desk. To not get in trouble, he didn’t sign his name, but signed in it a way that I knew it was him.

It made me incredibly uncomfortable. I worked with him later that night (his shift started at a different time). I had to thank him for it, but that I didn’t want it. He tried to argue that I said I would date whoever got it for me.

He was almost 30 at the time and I was maybe 20. I had no interests in him. We had pleasant conversations, but that was it. I told him no thank you. I did not want to date him.

He took it better than most guys who get rejected, but he clearly wasn’t giving up.

Eventually he got fired for coming yo work hammered.

[stars---thunderbird]

Every sales job I’ve worked has that one item. The white whale. The biggest ticket you can sell. The sale you brag about when you’re chatting with other industry people.

When I sold mattresses it was a split king adjustable base. That’s two twin extra long mattresses next to each other to make a king, but each side can move independently. They’re insanely expensive and honestly kind’ve impractical but it was the biggest ticket thing to sell.

When I sold sex toys though our white whale was the 20lb ass. It was a female pelvis, a cut out from the waist to the tops of the thighs. It was hyper realistic material and cost about $500. I definitely had bigger tickets but not in one item typically.

In my time at the sex shop, I sold three. Each time was completely different in terms of how the guy acted about buying it. The first man was a little embarrassed and shy about it. I was professional and supportive as I rang it up. Once I handed him the receipt he looked at the box. Then he looked at me.

If you’ve ever wondered how big a box has to be to fit a 20lb ass let me just tell you: it’s pretty damn big. It’s an uncomfortably large armful of box and every side has a picture of the sex toy inside on it. It’s not subtle.

“Could I get a bag….?”

There was no bag that existed that could possibly contain all that ass. “Hang on,” I told him.

I got scissors and tape and covered the box in cut up black bags. Looking relieved he picked up his purchase and left.

The next man to buy one carried it proudly to the counter; self assured and not embarrassed in the least. When I said I didn’t have a bag, but I could wrap it for him he gave a hearty shrug and hefted it into his arms, marching out the door with the butt on full display.

The last man to get one was just kind’ve an odd guy. Not creepy, but eccentric. We got along great, and as I rang him up I said, “Well one guy wanted his taped over, and one guy carried it out. What would you prefer?”

“There’s no bags?”

“No store bags. I think our jumbo trash bags in the back might fit it….?” It seemed rude to suggest putting a $500 item into a trash bag, but he wasn’t bothered.

He considered this then said, “Bring me the trash bag.”

When I delivered it to him he still managed to surprise me. Instead of shoving the huge box into it he opened the box. He took out his new $500 sex toy, and all the little things it came with, tipping them unceremoniously into the trash bag.

“There! Now I don’t have to deal with the box later!”

I was slightly stunned but agreed that I could easily deal with the trash. Then in a move I still think about with delight he flung the trash bag over his shoulder like a Santa with a sack full of ass and sauntered out the door.

[stars---thunderbird]

[stars---thunderbird]

Reblog for a larger sample size!

No "show results", if you're not a fanfic writer just be patient.

I saw a post about an anon saying it was embarrasing to have an ao3 account in your 30s (it's absolutely not), so I want to do a poll and see what the age range actually is.

[stars---thunderbird]

Alex’s April Fools joke pitch.

[stars---thunderbird]

“Is it okay if I draw fanart of your fanfic?👉🏼👈🏼”

My brother in Christ we shall have a spring wedding

[stars---thunderbird]

I got a new journal because it was on clearance and some better glue.

I can't guarantee I'll hold out because what is my brain. But this? I like this process.

[stars---thunderbird]

[stars---thunderbird]

Lisa Frankenstein fan art by Crystal Cox

Spookshow Babe | Instagram

[stars---thunderbird]

[stars---thunderbird]

🦀 Kudos Crab 🦀

If you are scrolling and see Kudos Crab, your fics will be blessed!

You will get good comments and kudos!

You will beat your writers block!

GO AND WRITE!

[stars---thunderbird]

@yespumpkindoodlesthings

A Playful Colorful Eclectic Artist Home in London

[stars---thunderbird]

you guys wanna see the most accurate and blasphemous representation of the words ‘catholic shaming’?

[stars---thunderbird]

researching parrying daggers as a fun little treat and i'm delighted by how much every single one of these things looks like it's designed to be as annoying as possible

[stars---thunderbird]

agh

[stars---thunderbird]