strawberryezpls

[strawberryezpls]

why will i always feel like this?

I literally hate everything and I understand why i wanted to kill myself so bad whenever i did (back in may lol) ummmmmmmmm this time around of the year is lwokey a little bit triggering because i was just depressed as fuck! and why is my mom making me give my father money for my own good(like a charity) when i don't see or even heard of them doing that to my grandparents like ever? and it doesn't look like it ever did them any good. I graudte from community college this year and i can finally go live in he dorms WHICH IS A ECCESITy cuz if im not living in the dorms im still not living at home. It actally crazy how i have zero support from my family at all. Like they all tell me to study hard and get good grades and blah blah but it's like once I try "oh why aren't you helping around the house" and its not a good feeling. Omg and I think i have autism like for real, or something cuz i have all the traits and i would just be a high level of mask. or am i just overlooked and im not realling masking i'm just brushed off as that's just me. imagine it really is just me. I also don't feel like living for anythign rightnow. I did see nicki minaj yesterday which was ENLIGHTENING she was like 2 hours late but idc and i somehow didn't get caught hehehehhe. um i have to get my wisdom tooth out in like 3 weeks and my finals are almost over. Omg that bullshit about me waiting for the right guy bitch I went right back to the guy i left for the clairty of my mind. and then we've been together ever since. But here's the thing he said hes observing now bc of the way we handle arguments. Like shouldn't you know what you want and how you want it. idk sometimes i feel like im being used and i don't understand how why he even wants me around i feel like i don't do anything for him at least emotionsally or mentally or like what i'm supposed to be. Which like i was fine with being in a sort of situationship with him since january but i think since we wenton our first one on one date a little after valentines that we would be together together but i guess not. And i don't really want to be with a amn now that's like im observing bc of the way we agrue which is like whatever. also wtf is knock knock ginger? sorry i'm listening to a podcast. omgi think being in ramadan which i s gonna sound sad and probably wrong for a moment but bare with me. like everytime Ramadan comes around i just don't feel good bc i feel like i was taught islam wrong like i just don't believe everything or anything someone from my country is saying abt it spefically my dad. like it just gets me so angy bc i could've been those girls who love their religion and I wanna do that but I want there to be people who als understand me and shit. I really love how im college educated but you would think 9 year odl wrote this pls. speaking of idk how imma do it living with a random person like i don't evn like living with someone else, like i love my bed yall. i also need a car with a door handle and the bumper not falling apart. I also wanna be boy free for a while bc it's just something abt it yk. I also don't trust anything anyone is saying and everything everyone says no matter who it is is annoying as fuck and they need to stop talking and im talking abt people who i don't even know too. Like why is everyone annoying all of a sudden b4 i didn't feel like that. wait it priobanyl bc i have to fucking be sober for the next month. saye but at least i get to turn up on my birthday I think. idk i'm scaed to smoke too early ater my surgery. which speaking of i NEED to do something fun and i need tolook good on my birthday like fr. Like i would want to do something even by myself just because i deserve it but my parents be pocket watching me like its not my money. anyways i really wanna get my lashes and nails done really bad. I think I'll just buy a wig and wear it that day and then i could get my own outfit yk. I literally cannot wait broooooo I don't know where imma be eating and whos ocming and whos not yk but yeaaaaaaa. I got too many people who would overlap and i don't want to

[strawberryezpls]

but you tolerate it

i've gotten to the point where i don't even wanna talk abt him, and i feel like i have too much. like i just want him out of my life atp. boys in general is confusing. I'm in school, but i lowkey don't even wanna do radiology tech. Like i still wanna do psychlogy, and if i really wanna then i can go to a university next quarter!!!!!!! and just start my shit over there yk. but idk man. also im in this state of limbo where i'm waiting for the mania or depression to kick in. I'm also extremely busy idk how imma do it for the next 10-12 weeks. But i need this little push just to see if i can do it. So far I have pretty good positive thoughts, but they can go negative so fast. I just wanna get skinner, and graduate and get an AA or just something i just need something for myself so i can keep goig bc i feel like i have nthing and ik i should still try to figure things out, but i wan something by myself for myself yk. like i need to do something alone this year that'll make me proud. finally typing on a computer that i bought myself fin fucking ly. I also decided that i don't need to settle for less and I should really just wait for the right guy to sweep me off my feet. ANYWAYS BYE I HAE NOTHING ELSE O GIVE. I HAVE A TAROT DECK TOO.

[strawberryezpls]

songs as of January 7, 2024

I wish i could hug the girl i was the last time i was here

ferrari horses

ill do it

nice to meet you

do you miss me?

slut!

never lose me

crushcrushcrush

that's what you get

fallin 4 u

barbie dangerous

greedy

probably more but idk man

[strawberryezpls]

songs as of sept 1, 2023

same boat lizzy mcpline

doomsday lizzy mcpline

waiting room phoebe bridgers

georgia phoebe bridgers

softcore the nieghborhood

the gold phoebe bridgers

static steve lacy

video games lana del rey

foolish one taylor swift

castles crumbling taylor swift ft hayley williams

lovebomb nessa barrett

hits different taylor swift

anything from AR aka addison rae ep

what was i made for billie elish

[strawberryezpls]

hellooo

so much has happened I don't feel like myself and I need to get back without poisoning myself. I think the manipulation into thinking I'm a bad child from my parents is working. unless I am a bad child. (i went to hang out with friends without telling anyone where i was) if that makes me a bad and horrible child enough to make threats to then yeah that's me. Anyway, I think the mania is catching up to me and depression is rapidly on the way because it's fall. Which means I need to romanticize the shit outta my life. because if not we will have a repeat of fall 2020 or 2021. 2022 was way better but I was distracted by stupid fucking boys. Now I need pure motivation to not have my life be garbage. Also, I'm listening to more lizzy mcpline , fucking DOOMSDAY??????? bitch that song is my shit. like the middle of the song>>>>>>> anyways I had plans to go to Beyonce and i can't now because I was being a bad child. Like that's how I think my parents see me. But I did just pay for their kid's bts so that's great. And I wanted to switch to work mornings but there's a waitlist so I can't. But whatever anyway I have a shopping problem and I'm sad asf rn so I'm going to go and shop even tho it doesn't fix anything permanently but hey whatever works. I think if I don't get serious help anytime soon this mental illness will get the best of me and I will let it bc I'm tired of fighting back frankly. If the world ended rn I would do everything I wanted to do and go. Anyways Sabrina Carpenter performed for the Eras tour!!!! so proud of her. Also, I ordered something off of TikTok shop god what has my life come to, I've spent at least a good $20 on Kitchen scramble.

[strawberryezpls]

[strawberryezpls]

mental illness

this shit aint no joke i might be manic rn and idk what to do with that. It's crazy to think just a year ago i was on celexa feelings so happy and no sad for once. And it was sunny the sun was out i was just a happy person out of no where. And no a year later im sad but i can't feel it. Also i can't remember anything i'm doing last time i was like this was november/october and parts of December. It's scary but i can't help it literally. It just feels so weird to realize it and i don't know how to overcome it. I'm watchhing skins which is probably really bad. Also chris just dropped the fucking baby wtf i dion't remember that. I love him and he deserved everything. Anyways i went on a date and all i could think about was peanut butter and another guy so that was fun. I also just didn't like him in the end he was a weirdo and i didn't realize he was 28 fucking 28!!! thank god i had my friends there tho if they weren't i wouldn't have escaped. I think he found it weird that i was there with my friends but tbh like you were a weirdo. and did he really think i was gonna go an hour away alone???? men are fucking weird and insufferable. I’m too scared to go out with women because that’s a whole different world. I also had this nice creamer for coffee and now my tonsil stones are huge and i tried to get them out, but it decided to bleed instead so now i really want to get them taken out, but the pain??? no thank you. might be going back into my disordered eating too rn. I feel like im floating and i can never touch or reach the ground, it seems impossible rn. And i think that’s whats going to sned me over the bridge. Also there’s ppl who are getting assited sewer slide bc of their bpd. which is really sad and scary that we offer that. But like do you know how bad it must be for someone to go through that esp with it being with medical help. Like you had to really think that through. idk it feels like something i would do bc sometimes my mind won’t shut up i think me being on medicine is better obiviously before i decide to go that route. but i just can’t  handle how my mind is going rn bc it sucks and nothing is gonna help me rn, how tf did i do this. oh wait i was barely surviving nvm. I feel like even tho celexa was short term it did somewhat help but i need something stronger. idk my mind needs to be erased i can’t think like this is makes me feel fucking crazy. i don’t think me being a psycholgoy studnet is helping. 

[strawberryezpls]

a broken heart and a sad birthday

we are over forever and I hate that. I want more I'm not finished and now it's gone and I can't get it back. so now I'm left to listen to Gracie abrams on repeat.

[strawberryezpls]

This intro>>>>>>>>

Meet me at midnight…

…for the Lavender Haze music video premiere (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

taylor.lnk.to/lavenderhazemusicvideo

[strawberryezpls]

Cant wait for tourrrrrr

In my Eras era. 💅

[strawberryezpls]

Im such a pisces venus like omg

Okay so the posts that i posted today are drafts from a long time ago if u couldnt tell. And just wow i did year up when i did read "i could be like this forver" when referring to peanut butter. Literally on the phone with him rn. Um but i noticed like if i feel hes getting distant i enter flight mode so quick. And the week b4 that was fight mode. Like but i just needed him to talk to me tbh to lmk he actually cares for me as a human being. Oooooooooooooo i dont think we've reached our big fight yet ur orobably like wtf but like the big fight is what determines ir relationship weather u make it through or not. And he told me hes gonna talk to me no matter what. But anyways we hitting 3 months tomorrow, and ill see him Saturday😭 like clockwork. Im just scared like our time together will be so tiny as the months go on bc this man is BUSYYYYYYYY. And i wish i could be as busy as him so i wouldnt have to sit and ponder but like that would tire me out so fast ugh. Anyways i did have a weird ass dream with a snake in it so we better hope im not prego. And i hadba did that bill and i had a kid and ee were doing a drop off thing. Also i wonder when ill have the dream where u give birth and raise yhe chuld and then u wake up greiving that chuld or something. That would scare me tbh. But anyways i did think i was prego like 3 weeks ago 😖🫣 never again. U know whats also never again smoking and taking an eddy during work. Why do i hate myself u ask idk but i couldnt function and went to target and got new books which ig is a good thing. Also money is gonna be tight these days bc im not working as much which is sad. And i wanted to pay for school and birthday shit. Also my bf got mad at me 4 being high and it was lowkey hilarious. Bc hes a cold turkey dude. Anyways thays . My life rn might be accused of being a furry and i just bought furry gloves bc my hands get cold at night driving home and the heater doesnt hit as hard as it should and that doesnt help my case so.. anyways imma get him back both of them. Istg working at a male dominant place will get u into shit u dont wanna be in.

#Spotify

[strawberryezpls]

https://www.tiktok.com/@jworgie/video/7119569355414850859?_t=8URBFPiqARv&_r=1

July 31 2022

Ive had body image issues since i was 10. I thought me gaining weight during a time i was having puberty meant i was overweight. I thought the doctors were going to tell me i was fat and over weight at age 11. I sucked in my stomach when i took pictures and even tried to make a practice out of it. I ate 4 waffles and blamed myself for eating too damn much. I would go to the bathroom during lunch so that the teachers wouldnt ask me/worry abt me not eating. But i would later eat on the bus bc i was hungry. I tried so hard to be skinny. But now that im the opposite it hurts. Its like i let down this little girl. I binge when im really stressed or when im feeling an emotion so big i cant even process. I feel horrible after i binge but i still do it. I dont know normal food portions. I have messed up eating patterns. And today i realized how much hurt and anxiety i was holding when i was 12 from sucking in my stomach. That was the most horrible feeling ive felt in a while.

22.3.23

Why am i still struggling for 10 years yikes someone send a fucking therapist

[strawberryezpls]

Oh god has my life been a Rollercoaster

I really didnt mean for any of this to happen tbh

Oh its November 5th its 2am. Im here to rant and update on what my lige has been since july 31st. (I can't believe its been that long). Also im doing this on a phone instead of my school laptop so bare with me.

Lets do by month

AUGUST

"august slipped away into a moment of time, cuz it was never mine"

August was starting off great. I dont have covid, im moving and my work besties moved away. But dont worry(one comes back later). Anyways i only remember like 3 specfic days in august tbh(oops) but the first is tge day of the seventeen concert. It was magical i had the time of my life 10/10 would go again. However i cane home at like 11:50, which is a big yikes but didnt get caught. Then theres the day where this guy at my work asked me to cover his shift and then we started talking like all the time. And ppl were suspecting something was going on with us. And there was not in august tho. So it was a cute 2 weeks of flirting acting like we were gonna date. But we didnt :(

September

"You know its not the same as it was"

September, this is the month where we moved to our new place. I share a room only with my sister exciting right? Im pretty sure prince and i had our first kiss in sept or it couldve been august idk. But after the first kiss he told me that were gonna stay friends but i wanted more and that was the first of many times where ill be sad or crying over him(lame ik) but then one day he was like can we hnag after work and i was like ok sure, so i thought he wanted to talk for some odd reason. But we started kissing(and when i tell u my face was like huhhhhhhhhh so this is what its like) and then i lost my v card less than a week later. And hung out with friends a day later :) then we started doing it again afterwe said we wouldnt(well him more than me)

October

"Theres things i want to say to you, but ill just let you live"

I start finding dignity in myself and trying to get over him. I went to a haunted house tho which was fun. Also didn't get caught either. I went to the movies by myself too. I also started to lose a lot of interest in peanut butter. I also missed my period which is crazy bc I still haven't gotten it(we're in November). OOh, and I went to dave busters for the first time which was fun. I also met a new guy his nickname will be bill

Okay now we're in November and I saw him on the first day of November and I'm about to see him again tomorrow.

22.3.23

Things went left SO FAST. 0/10 WOULDNT RECCOMMEND ON GEORGE EASHINGTN GRAVE

[strawberryezpls]

Okay quick little update. So peanuts new nickname is bear. Bear and i are dating now and have been for a month and then some. Im really happy i am learning a lot abt being in a relationship and im learning so much from him. I love him with all my heart he makes me want to change and actually take my future more seriously m. Anyways new guy from the last post we basically ended things and have had any contact since dec 27th or something. Anyways our anniversary is the day he said ily to me but tbh its technically officially the 31st of dec accoridng to him. Cuz from the 24th i was treating him like my unofficial bf and i think the 28th or something like that it was official snd then the 31st was our first date. Also theres another guy i havent talked abt him much or at all bc its really irreleveant but i used to talk to this guy in 2021 and it was very obvious he was using me for nudes and didnt like me at all. I mever sent him anything thank god. But i kinda left his ass on read back then and he contacted me june of 22 and i was like i was just getting over that. And so i finally started realizing the guy is tryna get back again. And hes trying again for birthday nudes. Like dude 🙄 he even hit up my friend which is how ik he doesnt like me fr. But yea its quite comedic he keeps contacting me

[strawberryezpls]

God i fucking hate my life rn.

When i first had my fall out with oeanut butter i felt so shitty and useless and just sitting in a pool of idk whats the word but i feel miserable and its like im wondering what did u do wrong. And now that im experiencing this with new bae its a completely different level bc ive done things that i havent done before he is my atw and dear john for goodness sake. It just sucks being like this. Like i thought he loved me but i knew better he was using me. Now we probably will never talk again and i think that hurts the most. I mean in the long run its for the best. I think i was started to love him. And i was hesitant bc he said some things last time that made me reconsider everything between us. But i think im also sad bc if things with oeanut butter dont work out i eont have anyone to fall back on which sounds bad ik. But i think ive gotten so used to going back and forth that if i lose one itll feel like im losing both. Anyways im sad abt new bae bc hes not picking uo my calls and is probably breaking up with me or whatever we are. But im also happy with how things are going with peanut butter he hugged me and held me in his arms and i could literally imagine being like this for the rest of my life crazy ik. But hes just so special to me. No matter what happens i want us to always be close, like i can never be mad at him to the point where ill never talk to him again. But if he does end up breaking my heart which god forbid i will go into a spiral. With new bae it hurts bc i saw the red flags and still conitnued with him just bc hes older and more exposed and bc hes the same religion as i am and he said he could take care of me if anything were to happen. And i felt like this was what i needed when i dont need a man to take care of me. I get too dependant on men when i like them. Also he just accidently called me like pls ive already made up my mind that im getting over u. Gimme a day or 2 and ill be gucci u think i actually dont know. Anyways i just wanted to rant rq bc im sad and miserable abt a boy. But im also happy that the first boy and i are somewhat normal again. Also i keep smelling him everywhere which is nice but confusing asf

[strawberryezpls]

midnights 🌙

[strawberryezpls]

I loved the summer i turned pretty book. The show lowkey pisses me off and ppl are team conrad am i missing something??