sweetlildiary

[sweetlildiary]

Hollow.

I watched Sherlock S4E2 - The Lying Detective live last night(8th Jan 2017) and it was very difficult to watch. Emiliano didn’t watch it with me the first time and I’m honestly so glad because had he then I honestly don’t know what my reaction would have been.

Within the first 20 minutes both self harm and suicidal thoughts had been mentioned and it was as though it awoke something within me.

Since watching that episode I feel so incredibly bored and like I need something reckless to fill a hole, be it drugs, alcohol, or self harm. I contemplated smoking but that wouldn’t work. It needs to be something that’ll give me some sort of high and distract me from my incredibly dull life.

I’m contemplating starting self harming again just for the thrill of it. Just... remembering all of the feelings honestly makes me feel light headed and... in a weird way possibly even slightly turned on?

...remembering the way the blade puts immense pressure on a point... the way the skin feels as it tears... the feeling of the blood dripping down my arm... the high it gave me afterwards... oh good god I may actually need this back in my life... But the thing is, how do I hide it?

I rarely wear anything that covers my arms around the house - same with my legs, so I don’t think I’d be able to get away with doing it on my arms or legs, and honestly the rest of the body is fucking shit for cutting on. Like, seriously, barely any blood comes out, tf.

[sweetlildiary]

Nonbinary Gender neutral Agender

Are all of these the same thing?

Edit: nonbinary and genderfluid seem to be the same thing - "no gender in particular". Agender is basically "no gender".

[sweetlildiary]

Okay. It's official. I definitely need to speak to M sometime soon. I feel so far from myself… or do I feel more myself than ever? Ugh

[sweetlildiary]

???

Everything in my life has been completely turned upside down.

It used to be that I was very nearly 100% certain of who I was(at least physically and partially mentally). A cis pansexual female. However for whatever reason I’m doubting.  Sexuality wise, I’m still attracted to all humans 18+, however I’m starting to favor females for more, and I’m not sure if that changes things...

And now for the big one, I’m literally doubting my gender.

A couple of years ago I wondered what it would be like to be a male and quite liked the thought, however I dismissed it because I knew that over all it was just a curiosity that I would be rather happy with trying, sort of like a new makeup style, or a new way of making a drink - something temporary that doesn’t change anything permanently. However lately I’ve been feeling it far more intensely.

I of course plan to have a double mastectomy eventually, and now I’m wondering if this was actually just part of that feeling.

While yes, my original intentions with that still stand, it’s almost as though it’s gained another meaning.

It’s as though everything I was certain of has vanished.

I know so many people nowadays say “you don’t need a label” “labels don’t mean anything!” but I like having labels. I like knowing exactly where I stand and exactly where I belong.

It used to be that I was nicely sorted into the two boxes and I fit perfectly and all was good; cisFemale - Pansexual

Where as now it’s like the rapture or something and my box has gone and left me behind and I’m running around trying to work out which box is REALLY mine but I can’t find it!

It’s gone from neat and tidy to “?????? - ???????”.

I of course have some sort of idea, I believe I’m either non-binary or gender-fluid, however who really knows...

I don’t know how to feel about this, although my feelings so far are “uncomfortable” and “embarrassed”, and I don’t know who to talk about this with.

I of course have the usuals, however I don’t really believe that anyone quite understands.

All of the people I grew close to and still talk to are cis straight males, so how on earth can I really open up to them about my possibly nonbinary and pansexual feelings when I don’t think they have any real idea on what any of it is like or even really means...

I’m of course contemplating talking to M about this seeing as he knows me shockingly well and may be able to help me out, however its a case of being able to find a time to talk to him and all of that.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens, as usual.

[sweetlildiary]

“I also want to be able to post a happy post on here soon.

Preferably one that is titled something along the lines of “I’m Going Home!” and is about how I’m moving back to England soon. Although I think we all know that isn’t happening any time soon, so… yeah.”

When I posted that I was hoping it’d jinx everything, or set something in motion to make it so. I knew that it was so incredibly unlikely to happen, but I was so desperate I was willing to try just about anything...

Little did I know that that shit worked. I’m genuinely moving back to England on May the 4th (AKA Star Wars Day).

Do I believe that writing about wanting to move and wording it as a jinx made this happen? No. Do I believe that on some level, somehow it may have helped? Kinda...

Honestly, though, I’m in such denial that this is happening and part of me really doesn’t want it to be true so badly that when talking about this out loud I refuse to word it as fact. If I’m talking to someone about it I word it as “I may be moving back to England soon,” or “if-slash-when I move,” etc.

Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m so absolutely ridiculously happy to be moving back! It’s just not the way I wanted to be moving back. The ideal way of moving back would absolutely be involving my mum and brother and step-dad. However it’s just me moving back. And I’m moving in with my stepdad’s sister, too.

I’m terrified because I don’t really know her all that well and suddenly I’m moving in with her.

I’m going to be honest, I never quite finished this and seeing as it’s currently 4:44am I should probably just post this unfinished.

Perhaps it will be completed tomorrow - who knows!

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

3 Points.

1: the amount of English food and telly being watched and eaten by everyone at the moment is honestly heartbreaking to me. Everybody knows how desperate I am to go back to England and they keep doing this… why??? 2: I really want to delete all personal social media now. The people abandon me every time I genuinely need somebody(usually because they're "busy" and yet their snaps say a VERY different story 🤔) and I'm just so sick of it all. 3: Carrie Fisher died… and I've spent the entire day overly emotional because of that… I've cried so much… she was so incredible… she's had such an impact on my life… she's such an inspiration… and she's just… gone… 😓 I truly want her autobiography even more now…

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

I just got asked why I want to move back to England and I went on a rampage on my keyboard and now I'm actually in tears… I'm so desperate… help…

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

Rambly Tangents Regarding England.

Okay, I actually wanted to physically write this in my old diary, however I can’t find it and I can’t do a thorough look because it’s currently 4am and my wardrobe is unfortunately placed on the wall that is shared with my and my brother, so since writing here is the next best thing I thought I’d just type and post my feelings here.

Christmas was technically 2 days ago now, however due to the non-Christmas feeling it feels like it hasn’t been yet. I’ve been saying that it doesn’t really feel like Christmas this year and my mum says its because I’m not a kid anymore, however I know for a fact that that is bullshit. I say its because of the fact that we’re not in England.

I think I’ve posted about this before, or at the very least tweeted about it, but Christmas in my mind is freezing cold, snuggled by the fire or radiators with family watching crap telly and just... its a fucking family time.

We get no family time here, and even if we do it’s not the same.

Christmas used to be waking up and opening presents at home and then going round to a family member’s house and spending some time there and then going to another family member’s house and finishing off Christmas there all the while seeing family members you don’t see very often and... just spending time with family.

I mean if I’m honest quite possibly the most accurate representation of Christmas I’ve ever seen was the Gavin & Stacey Christmas Special.

I don’t get any of the excitement about anything here, not my birthday, Halloween, Christmas, anything. I just want to be back in England, back home, and have my excitement back. Have my joy back.

I mean for god’s sake I spend all day every day at home wondering with complete desperation “How the fuck can I get home”.

I know I can just go back and visit but that’ll cost me £800 and I just don’t know if I can spare that kind of money anymore...

I know I could borrow some from family but I don’t want to.

I just want to go home and stay there.

The other night my parent’s said to me that we’ll be going back to England once we have all of our tickets left, I said “that’s next year isn’t it?” they responded with “yes” only to backtrack about an hour later and claim that they said no such thing and that I was making it up.

The 5 year thing has also changed to 2-3 years, however who the fuck knows what that bullshit even means.

At this point in time there are 3 possible years we’ll all be moving back home;

1 year(School year, so Summer 2018)

2 years(Summer 2018 as well????)

3 years(Summer 2019???)

Of course the original number of years was 5 however what with it being December I believe that in January it’ll switch to 4(although I’m not entirely sure) so basically 2020. So any time between 2017/2018 and 2020 we should be moving back. That is still far too long for me to have to wait for my life to begin. Far too long to wait for me to be able to go out with friends(if I still have any left by then - that’s not looking to good), to go out on my first official date(At the age of 22-25, how fucking romantic), to be able to start having sex again(at that point I’ll be, as stated before, 22-25 so it will have been 3-6 years FUCK!), and just... have a fucking LIFE.

I don’t know what kind of sick fucking pleasure they get from seeing me gain weight from not doing anything(which is crippling any and all sense of worth and confidence I’ve had), and slowly go insane from not having a life and being trapped like an animal in a zoo, but they need to fucking cut it out because at this point it’s genuinely making me wish that I was living with my fucking dad(which anybody who knows my past probably knows is a awful thing for me to say)...

I sit at home and go on snapchat and see all of these people living their lives and seeing all of their gorgeous Christmas decorations and just get so happy but so depressed because I want that. I want to be able to snap little portions of my life. I want to be able to snap on Christmas day and show off the decorations whilst referring to it as Merry Day on all social platforms. I want to have a fucking life.

I also want to be able to post a happy post on here soon.

Preferably one that is titled something along the lines of “I’m Going Home!” and is about how I’m moving back to England soon. Although I think we all know that isn’t happening any time soon, so... yeah.

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

How Can You Expect Me To...

How can you expect me to be normal and successful when you tear me away from somewhere every time I’m doing well?

How can you expect me to stay strong and power through every emotion I have when every time I’m starting to feel better you tear me down?

How can you expect me to feel comfortable enough to socialize with people when you’re constantly setting me rules about what I can and can’t talk about with people?

How can you expect me to be myself when you’re so goddamn ashamed of me that you don’t even allow me to be myself in front of your husband who has known me since I was 5?

How can you expect me to... even just fucking live when you keep me trapped in countries I can’t succeed in and claim I’m a massive disappointment to everybody in our family and his...

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

Save Me...

I want to move out.

No... I need to move out.

Or... no... I need to get away.

My mum literally told me that I am a disappointment to everybody last night.

I need to get away.

I need to just go back to England and work my ass off and never contact them except to be like “disappointment, huh? Fuck off.”

I have this little plan I imaged myself doing the other night as I was doing it but not complete.

Basically I hope one Christmas or whatever my partner will force me to facetime with my family and I will and it’ll be awkward and they’ll be like “so, what are your plans for the holidays?” And I’ll be like “Oh, I’ll probably just spend it with my son.” and they’ll be like “SON!?!?!?” and I’ll be like “lmao, yeah, I may have stole that line from Kate McKinnon” and they’ll be like “who?” and I’ll be like “The hot one from the new Ghostbusters, Jillian” and then I hope that one of the inconciderate assholes will reply with something like “the dykey one?” or “the lesbo one?” or something like that and then I’ll just hang tf up.

I want them all to feel bad for what they’ve done to me.

Apparently they always thought I’d be the one to move out and be successful.

Why haven’t I? Because I’ve had the most unstable life and mix that with my mental illness and voila. 

My sister is more successful but she’s only had to move... not even half of what I have.

She did the England-Mexico-England. That’s it.

I’ve done England-Mexico-Kuwait-Y.England-S.England-Mexico. The longest friendship I’ve had that has been stable and that has been physical was about 3 years... maybe.

Moving that much, added with abuse, added with self esteem issues, added with trust issues... that’s enough to fuck anyone up.

And so many of those were avoidable.

If you’re so goddamn uncomfortable staying in a place for longer than 3 years keep fucking moving but don’t put your children through it. Make them live with your parents or something, fuck.

The abuse... well. One of us tried informing you of that prior to when you actually listened but you didn’t seem to care. Fantastic parent you are.

Neither of you ever helped with my self esteem issues. Calling me fat so often that I hate every inch of my body is awful. Saying that my mental issues aren’t real and that I should get over or “stop” whatever I’m feeling really doesn’t help me feel good about myself. FUCK. I really fucking dislike one of you and hate the other.

Trust issues... for once those aren’t my parent’s fault. They’re the result of so many people randomly turning against me and never giving me any reason. They’re the result of someone claiming they’re coming to visit me and then claiming they’re on their way and then never showing up... they’re the result of people gaining my trust just to use me, or gaining my trust and then making me feel so uncomfortable I just wanted to run... they’re the result of a friend inviting me into their home, locking me in their room with them and then trying to seduce me whilst saying that if I make any sort of movement that seems like I’m into it they will destroy my relationship, and then nearly pushing me down the stairs when I desperately tried to escape, only to have to fall into the arms of someone who got me drunk and tried to have sex with me... But mostly... they’re the result of the person I loved most in the world, the person I trusted most in the world, the person I connected most in the world destroying every inch of me randomly at unpredictable times and then pretending it never happened...

And just god fucking damn I need out of this family... just... get me out... please....

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

Dogs.

I’ve come to a slight realization;

Were I to move back to England early and by myself, I would most likely need to get myself a dog(I imagine any sort of pet would work but I’m 100% a dog person so...) as company and a stress/anxiety relief. That thought of course excites me, I’ve already began looking into different breeds and names, etc. However whilst thinking of dogs I also realize that were I to move back to England, I may never see Xayah and Poppy again before their deaths. And that truly breaks my heart in the most painful way.

My dogs are my babies and it baffles me how anyone can view them as lesser creatures.

If I were to get a dog I’d treat them like my baby. I’d feed them breakfast around the time I have mine, I’d take them on trips, buy them Christmas and birthday presents.

So how anyone could possibly view themselves as better than the gorgeous living creatures that are dogs is completely beyond me. And yet I’m currently forced to live with someone who does exactly that.

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

Facebook.

I’m honestly considering deleting my Facebook.

It just pisses me off and honestly I barely ever use it - so what’s the point?

I only use it to stalk people and find out what they’re doing, but then most people are stupid enough to have public profiles so I don’t even need a Facebook account to do that.

But honestly, the constant pictures of England and nights out, all just depresses me.

I’m so desperate to be back in England that 90% of my dreams are set in England, 90% of my thoughts are occupied on how I can get back to England and how I can live there.

But then I realize, actually, if I were to do that, I wouldn’t be able to speak to people as easily.

God damn it, what the fuck do I do?

I just need to be in England so that my mind can become clear again and I can focus on other things...

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

Hatred.

Most of the people who know me know that I’m really not one for hatred. I don’t really hate anyone, at all.

I don’t hate my dad, despite my past with him. I don’t hate my grandmother, despite her abandoning my sister and I when we needed her the most. I don’t hate the guy who has spent the past 4 years emotionally abusing me in every way he can. I don’t hate the guy who always chooses his girlfriends over me(Who also happened to get me drunk to have sex with me despite being with one of those girlfriends).

And yet, despite all of these clean “non hating” relationships, I truly HATE _ _ _ _.

I hate literally every. single. thing. about him and his fucking fucked up cunty family.

Especially his fucking double standards when it comes to me and then his family.

“Oh, no, you can’t date a musician, they’re awful” he says as he pulls out his fucking guitar and plays it whilst supporting his absolutely terrible nephew who deserves his own fucking post on why he’s a massive cunt.

God I just legitimately want to stab myself in the arm and slice open my wrists I hate him so fucking much its unreal.

I’m honestly planning on NEVER seeing him again once I’ve moved out.

The way he treats children and yet is a fucking teacher?

He threw me down a flight of stairs because I didn’t get up early enough. - TEACHER.

He threw me across a room because I didn’t want to go into school one day because I was being bullied - TEACHER. IN. THE. SAME. SCHOOL.

If I ever have children they will 100% never know him. Or at least never have any sort of relationship(even distant) with him.

He’s such a hypocritical massive fucking cunt who I genuinely HATE with every single fiber of my being...

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

“The Fictional Characters” “challenge”.

Side note before I formally start this post: I have a feeling that having both "sections" or whatever you want to call them of the title within quotation marks is going to irk me, however I'm not 100% sure that that is what the "challenge" is called, and it isn't really much of a challenge, so I'm just going to have to put up with it.

The three fictional characters challenge is basically where you describe yourself using only 3 fictional characters of your choice.

I never took part in it because I just didn't seem to be able to find three that were fair and that I was willing to confess to(Homer Simpson probably would have been one of them, let's leave it at that), and now that I believe I may have found the three, I'm posting it here. I'm unsure as to whether it was a "tag" trend challenge thing like the ALS ice bucket challenge, or whether you just participated when and where you wanted to(The where being Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc...) but either way I was never tagged, and if I'm honest nobody would have paid any attention had I even bothered to participate, also it's been months since then so I'm a tad late, whoops.

Anyway, to get to it, I believe that my 3 characters would possibly be;

1. Newt Scamander - Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them.

Seeing as this film was only released on the 18th of November(2016) it would have been rather difficult to have known the character deep enough at the time of this challenge's trend to have been able to relate so much to him, so there's another reason as to why this is so late! Ha! Anyway, the reason that I relate so much to him is mainly because of his awkwardness. He seems so comfortable when he's by himself(Me.) and so awkward around other people, as though he's not entirely sure how to act(Me.), however once he gets to know them a bit better he opens up slightly more(Me.) and yet by the end of the film he's still rather awkward when trying to show his true self to someone he's developed feelings for(Me.) There's also a list that I saw on Instagram that helped me be even more certain of my likeliness to Newt;

"newt scamander is me believes the real monsters are humans loves animals far more than people and would die for them would happily destroy a shop to retrieve an animal and keep it safe accidental favourtism but loves all equally awkward but able proudly shows off hogwarts house defends hogwarts over other wizarding schools wears the same outfit repeatedly will curl up in bed and pout when upset" Honestly, that's all completely me. Although, were I trying to rescue an animal in a shop I would put in a bit more effort not to damage or mess up the shop, unlike Newt, but you know, whatever, really, hahah.

2. Harley Quinn - Most Things That She's In.

I know, I know, most girls probably had her on her list because she's so "quirky" and "cool" and "funny" but she's also "sexy", yeah, yeah, stfu. I've no doubt in my mind that she absolutely would have been on my list whether I'd made this list back when it was circulating or whether I'd make it months or even years from now, she's absolutely on my list. I don't care which Harley you picture when I give my reasons why(Most likely Suicide Squad seeing as that's the only thing most people know her from *eye rolls to death*), but just... okay??? Harley is completely insane(Me.) and is so desperate for the person she loves to love her back that she'll literally do anything for him, just so that he'll want her even a little bit(Me.). Also, as shown in a deleted scene from Suicide Squad, she enjoys tearing people's minds apart and fucking with them just for the hell of it, which, although I am partially ashamed to say, I enjoy doing, as well. There are many more reasons, as well, I just honestly can't really be arsed to get into them right now, and they're not the prettiest of reasons.

3. Sherlock(And Moriarty) - Sherlock

I think I may just make a list for this one(and possibly go back and do the same for the others, if its easier). I've also included Moriarty in this because let's be honest, they're very similar.

Sherlock List: He doesn't really enjoy being around people all that much. He doesn't communicate well with people. He's awkward as fuck. He loves being by himself to just think and do whatever he likes. When he gets bored he gets reckless. He needs someone to check up on him regularly so that he doesn't slip into bad habits. Moriarty List: He's insane. He loves playing with people. He loves power. He fixates on people to obsess over. He has random outbursts of emotion. It pisses me off that the biggest thing about these men is a big thing you need to succeed in the real world that I don't have - genius.

Okay, so that was my list. I may come back and edit this at some point, seeing as it all kinda went south regarding detail and the possibility of it not making sense after the wonderful Newton Artemis Fido Scamander, but oh well.

Edit: Also - Credence from FBAWTFT... good god that hit hard home... anyone who's never been closeted regarding anything or just felt the need to hide due to having something about you belittled honestly won't get it, but I honestly feel like crying whenever I think of Credence and what happened to him, fuck...

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

Here we go again...

I’m used to getting phases where I wish I lived in England, and the longing and pulling on my chest to go back... to be home, again, I’m completely used to it. It’s essentially just a “phase” at this point, it comes and goes as though it’s a period or something less gross.

But... this time it hasn’t...

As we were packing to move out of the last house, I became suicidal. I realized that I’d only be 100% willing to move if we were moving back to England. I felt trapped and annoyed and overly emotional because once more we were needing to move in this country and yet it was just down the fucking road.

Its not that I don’t like it here. I do. I really, really, honestly do. It’s lovely and peaceful and the people are mostly nice.

It’s just... it’s not England.

I’ve realized lately that no matter where in the world I am, how happy I feel there, or anything, I will ALWAYS want to return home.

There’s things there that I adore and miss, eg; the colour of the sky at 5pm, the feel of the grass when it’s cold, the look of the ground, the feel of a brick wall, the way the air feels, smells, and tastes, the burn of the cold in winter when you don’t have enough clothes on, the burn of a radiator when you’ve been out in the cold and need to warm up quickly, the fact that you can drink tap water and it will ALWAYS taste different every time... 

England is home.

Every country we live in I always wind up wanting to return to England after a couple of years, but whenever we’ve lived IN England I’ve always felt completely content and at home.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching English TV Shows lately(The Smoking Room, Gavin And Stacey, etc) but I honestly just want to go home.

I feel fairly trapped here because unless I fancy being an underpaid teacher, teaching assistant, ect, I have no options of a job, whereas in England, although I don’t have a choice of anything and everything, I have a much higher chance of getting any sort of job than I do here, and quite frankly I love that.

I could get a crappy little job stocking shelves in a supermarket and get paid the same amount that my mum does right now working in the school here. And that is genuinely not even an exaggeration.

Idk, man, I just... I just want to go home... but then I remember that I’d probably have to leave my dogs, my family, my friends... everything... I’d have to leave everything... and then if it didn’t work out I’d be trapped... I’d have nowhere to live... nowhere to go... I’d be worse off... or would I?

This has been torturing me for over a month now, and I’ve no idea how to work it out or what to do about it... 

Everyday I think about every tiny little detail and have spoken with people about it and yet I’m no closer to deciding what I want or what’s best now than I was months ago when I first started to think about it.

I mean.. granted... yeah... there’s the other option... but I’m so impatient... I mean maybe I just need to go back for a holiday or something just to calm myself down like I did last October - November... Although tbh I’d probably pick November - December or December - January just because Christmas in England is beautiful and magnificent and just... everything. It’s everything a Christmas should be, tbfh.

I want to do that, I really do. But how? I don’t have the money anymore... or any reason to need to like I did last time... how do I do this? How do I go about it?

What if it doesn’t work out and I do a “That Night” and wind up trapped... although I’m not 13/14/whatever anymore so that’s highly unlikely to happen, but still... I don’t wanna be crying on the plane ride home again.. I wanna stay... but I want my family with me... FUCK I NEED TO WORK THIS SHIT OUT ASAP BEFORE I GO FUCKING INSANE...!!!!

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

Dream, dream dream dream…

Last night(July 21st) I had a dream that I had a baby, but it almost wasn't like a normal dream… In "normal" dreams you can't remember how you got there, however I sort of did remember… I remember shortly after having my baby thinking "I don't remember being pregnant…" but then I thought and remembered being outside of work, placing a hand on my stomach and thinking "I'm pregnant…!" This dream also made me realise just how scary an unplanned pregnancy is… I kept thinking "I'm not ready for this… I'm still living with my family… I don't even have a boyfriend… I still have my nipple bars in, I can't breastfeed… she doesn't even have a name…!" Shortly after I got home I was taking my baby out of the car in her carrier and talking to my sister and she said "she(the baby) doesn't have a cute small nose like our brother does… she's got a big nose! Where did she get that from?!" Her speech was rushed as though she realised how rude what she was saying was halfway through saying it. I laughed it off and just said "me? I don't exactly have the smallest nose!" Within 10 minutes my little baby girl had somehow turned into a toddler and twins(a boy and a girl), and she kept switching between baby and toddler. My stepdad's brother took her away from me to go out or something and I was so worried and I remember my mum comforting me, although I can't remember what she said… This dream has honestly messed with my emotions so much today… I've realised that I really do want to have my own children… or even just child. But I'm not ready yet. I've decided that I'd like my first child by 24, whether I'm in a relationship or not. I feel as though I'd be alright as a single mother… maybe… I'm not sure what the future holds for me, I just hope that I get to experience having my first baby, and that they're healthy, and that I'm ready.

#entry

[sweetlildiary]

#reblog #image