swirlngthghts

[swirlngthghts]

dudes who are normal will be like im joker insane but women who have not felt real since they were seven will be like im average normal

[swirlngthghts]

Ruth Madievsky, All-Night Pharmacy

[swirlngthghts]

Miffy's Traffic Light Located: Utrecht, Netherlands

[swirlngthghts]

[swirlngthghts]

March 1, 2023

I’ve been stuck in my head for a while and i hope today is the day i start getting back on track in life.

I started going to driving lessons mid June, went camping with a few friends, also celebrated Amanda’s bday. I haven’t finalized my resume though, which is a task i need to start asap.

I’ve been stuck in my head because of all they dreamy unrealistic things, things like relationship, life, friends, wealth, a nicer body. These days I think I’ve been picking up bad habits around, for example talking about myself a lot in conversations, or binge eating. I’ve been seeking constant dopamine, and I’ll look into it this week.

Flow State.

Know yourself, striving to, desiring know yourself and settling upon an idea is the root cause of all problems. Your not an idea, not a story, and the entire idea of you is going to be rooted in the past. When my brain settles upon a story, i don’t believe it, in each and every moment, here and now, I AM myself.

You don’t understand women.

You dont know what we are, what we feel, what we think.

You see us as dating objects and the faster we are, the more you want us.

Until you grow up and see beyond that, no matter how many girls you go out with, you will always be lonely.

[swirlngthghts]

March 1, 2023

I’ve been stuck in my head for a while and i hope today is the day i start getting back on track in life.

I started going to driving lessons mid June, went camping with a few friends, also celebrated Amanda’s bday. I haven’t finalized my resume though, which is a task i need to start asap.

I’ve been stuck in my head because of all they dreamy unrealistic things, things like relationship, life, friends, wealth, a nicer body. These days I think I’ve been picking up bad habits around, for example talking about myself a lot in conversations, or binge eating. I’ve been seeking constant dopamine, and I’ll look into it this week.

Flow State.

Know yourself, striving to, desiring know yourself and settling upon an idea is the root cause of all problems. Your not an idea, not a story, and the entire idea of you is going to be rooted in the past. When my brain settles upon a story, i don’t believe it, in each and every moment, here and now, I AM myself.

You don’t understand women.

You dont know what we are, what we feel, what we think.

You see us as dating objects and the faster we are, the more you want us.

Until you grow up and see beyond that, no matter how many girls you go out with, you will always be lonely.

[swirlngthghts]

I have two moods.

1. Constant panic and worryng about every little detail

2. It is what it is

[swirlngthghts]

Jan 5th, 2023

Happy New Years. I finally met the dude I’ve been wanting to meet so bad and fantasized about for the last 3 years. First time we met was in lower east side, where he lived in NY. I remember standing in Sephora, talking to Katharine over the phone and telling her how nervous I was. I checked the mirror 1000 times, put on my best outfit. I waited around 2nd Avenue.

He was taller than i thought, head was also a lot larger, but still a very cute, cute boy. (At least to me he was.) He took me to a small wine bar, i ordered rose, he ordered a red. We had a really nice dinner and I had the best chocolate mousse of my life, which was nice. We then went over to his apartment because he had an project assessment meeting with his professor.

In the meantime i met his two roommates, his roommate had a very low, slow, chill voice. and then Howard called, we FaceTimed for a while and then his phone lagged, ending with me and gab sitting shoulder to shoulder on their sofa. We later on visited his rooftop, where he lit up his pre-roll. I was admiring the view, the skyline of New York City, also the stars. There’re so many stars tonight. I said.

He looked at me and said, Yea.. I dont think I’ve seen that many stars before.

And yes I later on ended up being too high to even walk stairs which was embarrassing asf, like he had to hold my hand. Then we decided to watch something. He turned on his cool ass projector, and we didn’t know what to watch so we watched some iCarly. He laid on his bed and i just sat in front of the screen, or wall, and stared at the show and realized how pedophilic and wrong and random it was.

I forgot how things went down but he Then it was getting late and i called an Uber back home which was like 80 fucking dollars but its ok, thanks MSI and thanks to hard working ass for all the money I made.

I have been summoned by the demon and i will be back to finish this entry soon.

[swirlngthghts]

simple things that make me happy

[swirlngthghts]

His name is Drew, we met through tinder or bumble, doesn’t matter which one though, cos i think I’ve seen him on both.

He’s an architect and has a loving successful family, great sense of humor, very ambitious about life, and likes to try new things also chills so that’s a plussss.

So first two dates were horrible, I remember our first date we went to pier 1, and I literally felt nothing at all lmao. Second date was very spontaneous i had just gotten back from HK and he came back from a trip to Paris, we smoked and went to Toasteria Dong Men but it was just a pretty horrible date i even remember meeting up with Bernard that night saying “omg i just went on the worst date ever” LOL

But yes i continued talking to him because a fun soul is a fun soul at the end of the day. At Zhongshan I was drinking w Nei Nei he came to pick me up and we went over to his house to chill. I forgot the details but yes morning was nice. And after that day i started getting more n more attached.

We went out the other night to an Italian Resto then to a bar named Underlab at Kuofujinianguan. That was my favorite date so far. We talked about our stories from before and got to know each other and I got a bit tipsy from the lemon shot from that Italian resto.

[swirlngthghts]

又迷茫了

好無助的感覺

為什麼一直都找不到一個滿意的男生呢

可以陪我約會, 帶我出去玩

會帶我去吃好吃的

會陪我吃飯

To be continued

[swirlngthghts]

愛是什麼呢？

[swirlngthghts]

I had a dream that you were back, not back to Taiwan, but back in my life.

It was the weirdest dream ever. We were in someone’s house, there were many rooms, I was on a job mission with some colleagues I’ve never met, and that was where we were supposed to stay. He was in another room, I never went in though. I heard him talking about his new job. We all ended up sleeping on a rooftop, with blankets and all, I realized I was sleeping on the edge of a tall tower, which scared me so I went downstairs. I ended up at a shady KTV place. The walls were yellow and dirty, all the people that walked pass me was weird asf. There was an Indian that was pounding his chest and doing the olooolaoalaol thing with his tongue sticking out. I then was grabbed by two girls (Korean? Chinese?) they were pretty crazy and doing funny dance moves, then I woke up.

I even met a middle school friend at some scene, and she said she lived at tutto bello, which was a place in HK (in my dream).

I woke up, browsed his social media, which was hardly ever updated, and our conversation is still left at his “morning”, which wasn’t missed out for a day since September.

[swirlngthghts]

Jan 21. Hong Kong trip is over and it was a great experience overall, everything was all so surreal and I witnessed what are market was like there. We met our business partners in person, the medias I contact through whatsapp/ email. Workwise, let's talk about my bad trip on the last day. I wanted some fun on my last day, and I really wanted to experience the different side of HK, but my trip partner was very 雷 lol. So I had to pull some of my own strings. After getting food I went near poly u to meet up with a high school friend. We smoked and I went back to Sheraton. I was in the bathroom and I wasn't feeling comfortable. I felt unsafe, creeped out, I felt as if I didnt do well on this trip. I was literally shaking in fear. I couldn't believe our one month in hong kong was over, and at some point I couldn't believe the fact that I was in Hong kong. It didn't feel like it. It felt like I wasn't even thinking during my trip. I'm now on the phone with Leon, and we've been silent for almost 10 minutes. I just confronted him about the pic he sent me. He was showing me his card and he accidentally took a picture of the spotify playlist he was listening to. And it all came back to me... How my ex first started listening to metallica, then after a few years Men I Trust. It's always for a reason, there's always that one reason. I feel sad, inscure, I felt my heart drop a little. I don't know if this is fair to him, reflecting my past insecurities on him. but what i do know is that I dont like how I'm feeling now.

[swirlngthghts]

12/25 3:46 am

I’m on a biztrip in Hong Kong.

I’ve been feeling really stressed, and been thinking why’d I have to work this hard you know. I feel like I’m being pushed and pushed to my limits and I have nothing to complain about but there’s just this little part of me that wants to just give it all up and have fun for a while.

I’m scared I’ll fail but for the most part I’m scared even if i do good I’ll not be able to get where I want.

I’m scared I’m giving up the other important things in life for work. Love, friends, having fun, life. but I mean, work is part of life, and maybe that’s what I should be most focused on now. Maybe if I just put away these thoughts and worked a little harder. Maybe one day if I get a hang of what I’m doing, work and life would balance itself out.

Looking at peers that still get to hang out, that have a job with less workload, that are interns, or even still students, makes me feel like I’m facing responsibilities at work and doing things that people my age don’t get to do. I feel like it’s a great opportunity and I’m still learning, but at the same time left out, stressed and tired.

[swirlngthghts]

Nov. 15

I don’t like that he has so many stories with other girls, and I don’t like it when he talks about his exes. Listening to them make my heart clench, and I feel a bit sad, a bit yeah. We were sitting on the bench, and it was while I was laying in his arms when i came to a realization that, this man behind me, would never love me as much as he’s loved his previous girlfriends or partners. He’s been through too much, and they make my heartbreaks and love stories seem like the smallest things ever in comparison. I start to wonder whether he would even, or would I ever trust him or love him. Dijon was playing and I started thinking about the dream that I had of GC. And now I’m wondering if the bench in that dream was in New York or Tokyo. I felt so complete in the dream, it was pure joy, inside n out. I should sleep. Goodnight.

[swirlngthghts]

it was halloween yday. I went to a friends bday party at church. I know I know it sounds ironic hahaha and it’s going to be my insta post caption. At least I got that sorted out…thank god lol. okay so I had a great time bc I drank a lot of alc like it was shot after shot after shot and I had some really good spaghetti and my friends looked cute in their halloween outfits. he got off work and went to dinner with his friends at shanghai night. then he came to find me for a while. I opened the really heavy curved front door and saw him walking towards me looking really fine☺️ hahaha then I brought him back to our room in the bar. and as we were singing my l kept on pulling me towards him and telling me how he wanted to punch Leon in the face saying he’s not being truthful and sincere to me. “It’s just my sixth sense, I just feel it” he said. and he did not only once or twice he did it many times and it was just kinda awkward cos he prob felt really awk and wtf at the same time. So then um neinei took some pics of us and he had to go find his friends and they were at a bar close by, so we said we’d meet up later. Our room ended at 2am and so I headed to him and his friends. I met some of his friends and I didn’t really want to talk too much cos I felt like I sounded stupid and childish hahaha but I think I still said some sentences. So I small talked w his friend. And his friend asked us how we met. Did you two meet in Aussie? and he said nah we just met for a few months ago. and his friend said oh then how? And he answered and turned to me and whispered is it okay if I… and I said yes it was fine. hahha then his friend said, “oh yeaa it’s nothing I support this type of relationship. don’t have many single dude friends around so I need these girls to not make me feel as lonely ya know?” kay and I said oh so you 認識很多女生 可以介紹給這位呀 and i tugged on his sleeves. and his friend said he has one already, 不就有你嗎？ and I shrugged and I said hmmm I don’t know how many girls he has. and he said friend replied that the him he knows is v 專情… hmmmm okay lol. We stayed out for the night and it was all very erotic and sweet. Then in the morning we watched some tv cos both our phones were out of batt. we ordered some woolong noodles and ate and got coffee and walked to the bus stop together which is just outside the place he works at. We kissed bye and the whole night and day was just really really nice. This weekend flew by pretty fast I said when we were walking to the bus stop. Yea… this friday, saturday…. (we went out on Friday too) and it was cute because I realized what I felt when I go out with him was, something close to pure happiness.