system-elixir

[system-elixir]

I’m sure the decision to make the character with a highly stigmatized disorder (a disorder that’s used as a selling point, mind you) the “grittiest,” most “hardcore,” and the most “brutal” one in the MCU was a completely innocuous choice, NOT because the directors saw a group of severely traumatized people as evil creatures they could exploit for profit. Definitely not that.

#this is sarcasm #yes this about moon knight #yes I’m pissed off #every time I see another TV show or movie or media or anything come out and talk about DID as this “fascinating character piece #I just wanna cry #because it’s always villains #or anti heroes #or murderers #or some other violent person #and it’s always done awfully #no #I don’t want to see another fucking character who has DID because a magical mythical entity approached them #stop spreading that narrative #I didn’t gain a cool funky ability because of some magic interference #I struggle with a severe mental health condition every second of every waking day because of the decade of torture I was put through #and while yes it gets better #I’d just like the people exploiting this shit acknowledge that for half a second #dissociative identity disorder #for the record they consider it gritty and hardcore because of how brutally the character with DID kills people

[system-elixir]

So disappointed in Tom Holland. So tired of the media. I understand that the case is a real case, but who really looked at that and went, "Yeah, that's the story about DID we want to tell"?

#dissociative identity disorder #the crowded room

[system-elixir]

This. A thousand times this.

And even when it does come to the parts of DID that are about alters, people manage to overlook some really serious parts of that, too. Let's talk about the difficulty of having an alter who's introjected from an abuser. Let's talk about how strenuous and heartbreaking it is to try and comfort a scared and traumatized little kid who's inside your own head. Let's talk about alters who make massive changes to your life without your consent or do irrational/damaging things in an attempt to protect you and the rest of the system. All of this, while also managing the fact that you can't really be angry or frustrated about these occurances, because these alters are also a part of the system, a part of you, born of the same trauma, and they're just trying their best. I'll never be mad at some of the other parts for trying to help, but that doesn't stop it from being difficult, you know?

I still seriously don’t get people that really think DID is a fun thing to have or something you want to have. Yeah maybe the beginning of figuring it out is like “uwu friends” but god, if I haven’t heard every part in the system in the last month or two curse about how fucking stupid and a pain in the ass it is, then I would be lying to you.

Even as much as we are very well adapted to living as a system, managing dissociative amnesia and navigating life and relationships with it, and even with how much we have shaped our lifestyle to accommodate it, some things about having DID are just stupidly and pointlessly internalized in the literal most ridiculous ways and it’s just frustrating. 

Growing up with a brain that compartmentalizes and conceptualizes self and trauma in whatever way makes sense to a child’s developing brain and builds it off of that just ends up with some really annoying results.

Now that most of the awe and shock of “oh new parts and figuring out the life style” and the “mystique of having this weird disorder” has pretty much all passed, this disorder is just frustrating, annoying, and a pain in the ass to deal with.

We all love each other, and having alters is not something we hate really. We don’t have much issue with each other and that is all coped with. It is just everything else BESIDES the alter symptom that comes with this disorder that makes us all just so damn tired. 

And with that being said, having DID is not just “alters disorder” or “being plural” or “having multiple personalities” or whatever. Its a dumbass chronic dissociative disorder formed from a really pervasive and maladaptive coping mechanism due to really early childhood trauma.

If you think a disorder caused from really early childhood trauma has the main and most important symptom being alters, then you really really do not understand how badly trauma fucks with psychological development.

I’m so over having this disorder right now. 

Anyways, feel free to reblog and converse cause god damn am I bitter about how this brain has screwed me over with how it likes to compartmentalize stupidly way too many times.

-Ray (Gatekeeper)

[system-elixir]

DID isn’t just “alter disorder” it comes with a huge amount of severe dissociation (detachment/depersonalization/derealization) on a regular hour to hour basis, c-ptsd (flashbacks, panic attacks, severe anxiety, depression, etc) a warped view of time (or time passing), as well as a loss of time / memory (amnesia), migraines or psychosomatic pain / feelings (pnes can be comorbid), can come with symptoms of psychosis due to severe trauma, can cause catatonic dissociation, etc etc. It’s also not uncommon for systems to have comorbid / other disorders like OCD, BPD, etc.  DID isn’t just “having alters” it’s so much fucking more than just that, and I’m sick of people only thinking of the “alters” aspect and not the parts that just as hard, if not sometimes harder, to deal with. 

[system-elixir]

Some housekeeping for this blog:

"Elixir," "Breakfast," or "TBC" work as general catch-alls for us, though all parts will also respond to the name K :)

We don't post/reblog a lot, mainly because we don't spend a lot of time in online spaces for DID. Most of the content we do post/reblog is educational but there's some less serious stuff in between

The body is 18. That's very young for a diagnosis, but we were lucky enough to get out of our abusive situation when we were younger and have been in years and years of therapy since

We use the term "parts" more than the term "alters," because it feels more accurate, but we don't care too much about what term is used

This blog is run by the host and a protective ANP, mostly, though all parts are allowed to post and reblog content

We've been professionally diagnosed with DID, and are currently in treatment for it and doing a lot better every day!

Endos and kink/ddlg blogs: do not interact with our content (our DNI is in our bio already, just wanted to restate here)

You are always more than welcome to send asks. We'll try our best to answer, even if there are some more uncomfortable/"offensive"/hard-to-ask questions you have (as long as you're respectful). However, do not ask to speak to a specific part, ask about trauma, or ask about NSFW topics

#pinned post

[system-elixir]

Some explanations about dissociated parts and memory, information from The Haunted Self and paraphrased by yours truly.

Every part deserves to have their piece respected, even if it doesn’t seem to fit in neatly with the others, even if you think it’s weirdly shaped, even if it just seems scary. 

And remember: Puzzles are put together one piece at a time.

[Check out my DID/OSDD casually explained masterpost for sources and more infographics!]

[system-elixir]

Hm. How to phrase this.

I think there's a large misconception that because the majority of people w DID one sees do [behavior,] that the majority of people w DID do [behavior.]

What percentage of ppl w DID share about it, online or otherwise? (Not as many as one would think)

What might lead to someone sharing or not sharing? (Overtness? Discovering dissociated parts earlier in life?) What would they share? (Parts bios? Fun inner world stories?)

What do people *not* share online?

What people see on the internet is only a small fraction of a small fraction of real word experiences. Don't think that you know what people with DID want, need, or are just because you follow a lot of blogs. We exist outside of the internet as well, and are less likely to share the "boring" or "scary" or "confusing" parts of our disorder.

#we're much more comfortable talking about things online than IRL #if you've met us face to face you'd have one hell of a time trying to clock us #it's nice to occasionally be recognized as separate alters online #but online is not real life #and due to the nature of the disorder experiences are going to vary greatly #people like to share the nice parts online #the cool and nifty parts #they don't talk about the awful parts nearly as much #reading about DID will never give you the full experience of having DID

[system-elixir]

My alters aren’t living rent free in my head. 

Every part of this system paid their dues by surviving our childhood. 

[system-elixir]

The theory of structural dissociation

Here’s a post where I explain the theory of structural dissociation. All information is taken from The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization by Van der Hart, Nijenhuis and Steele (2006).

I am not a professional and am only repeating things I’ve read. The reason I’m making this post is because I (and others) refer to the theory of structural dissociation regularly, so having a clear post about it seemed like a good idea!

Before explaining the different ‘levels’ of structural dissociation, I’ll shortly explain the terms ANP and EP. ANP stands for Apparently Normal [Part of the] Personality, whereas EP stands for Emotional [Part of the] Personality.

Very broadly stated, ANP parts are focused on functioning in the daily life and distanced from anything trauma-related; in DID ANP’s can be completely unaware of any trauma. EP’s are more trauma-related; often ‘containing’ very intense, trauma-related emotions, memories, actions, beliefs et cetera.

However, it’s important to mention that the ANP/EP distinction is not black/white. Some EP’s can help out in daily life, ANP’s can still have emotions, stuff like that. Especially once there are multiple parts and more elaborated parts, the ANP/EP distinction becomes blurry. For instance, I wouldn’t be able to define for all of us whether they’re ANP or EP.

Okay. Back to the theory of structural dissociation. Two more important terms: elaboration and autonomy of parts. Please check out this infographic by @clever-and-unique-name​ on the elaboration of parts! Simply put, elaboration is about the degree to which a part has its own traits (e.g. name, internal appearance, skills, beliefs, …) and autonomy is about the degree to which a part feels they are their own self and the degree to which they can take executive control (aka ‘switch out’).

The theory of structural dissociation distinguishes between three ‘levels’ of structural dissociation:

Primary structural dissociation. This is the most ‘simple and basic’ trauma-related division of the personality: a single ANP and a single EP. In this case, the EP is unelaborated and not very autonomous in daily life. Primary structural dissociation often occurs after a single traumatizing event.

Secondary structural dissociation. When traumatizing events keep happening and keep being overwhelming, further division of the EP can happen while the ANP remains intact: in this situation someone will have one ANP and multiple EP’s. The EP’s can be more elaborated and autonomous than in primary structural dissociation, but are typically less elaborated and autonomous than in tertiary structural dissociation.

Tertiary structural dissociation. The difference between this level and secondary structural dissociation is that in tertiary structural dissociation, the person has more than one ANP and multiple EP’s. This can happen when inescapable aspects of daily life have become associated with past trauma, or when the functioning of the existing ANP(’s) is so poor that normal life becomes too overwhelming - causing a new ANP to develop. In this level, it’s common for several ANP’s and EP’s to be more elaborated and autonomous than in secondary structural dissociation.

In severe cases of secondary and in all cases or tertiary dissociation, more than a single part may have a strong degree of elaboration (e.g. names, ages, genders, preferences) and emancipation (perceived separation and autonomy). This is not usually observed in primary structural dissociation, and neither in most cases of secondary structural dissociation.

According to the authors of The Haunted Self, the levels of structural dissociation and various diagnostic labels relate as follows (they categorize more diagnoses in the book, I’m only naming the ‘relevant’ ones right now):

PTSD = primary structural dissociation

Trauma-related BPD, CPTSD, OSDD = secondary structural dissociation

DID = tertiary structural dissociation

Please keep in mind this is a proposed relationship between structural dissociation levels and DSM diagnostic labels. Many survivors experience structural dissociation without the elaboration and emancipation of some dissociative parts found in DID. 

Based on this description of the theory it may seem easy to figure out ‘where you are at’, but personally I believe it’s not. That’s why I, for myself, hold onto the idea that dissociation is a spectrum. These categories help a lot, but there are no hard walls in between. Maybe someone with PTSD from a single traumatic event can have two EP’s. Maybe someone with CPTSD can have black-out amnesia but no elaborated parts. Maybe someone with OSDD can have more elaborated parts (that’s me).

A last important note is that, once you’re in a ‘higher’ level, you can also have the parts associated with lower levels. Simple example: someone with DID can also have very simple, one-dimensional, unelaborated EP’s.

I think that’s plenty information for now. Let me know if I made a mistake, missed something big, or if you have any questions.

- Sae

[system-elixir]

One of our parts does this, mainly as a trauma response. I don't think it's necessarily a DID thing but it doesn't seem uncommon for certain types of trauma, or even if you were just taught to be seen, not heard when you were younger, you know? I know we often weren't allowed to speak our mind at home and that, coupled with some other trauma also relating to it, seems to have carried over into that part, along with bouts of total selective mutism.

I don't have any advice on how to help, but I know that personally, reminding ourselves and this part that "Hey, we're safe now, we can speak, these people we're around love us and care about us" makes it a bit easier.

DID

DOE naturally just not say every thought in your head during a conversation? Especially relevant thoughts that would be normal to contribute? It just never feels natural for me to mention things but then I end up in one-sided conversations and friendships where people don’t really know me. Even when topics I’m interested in or knowledgeable about come up, it just doesn’t occur to me to say things. I respond to their thoughts, like I talk, I guess I’m just not sharing all of my(?) thoughts? 

Recently, every time it happens I’ll get home and one alter specifically lectures me about how I need to speak up. Idk if those are her thoughts and she’s frustrated about being silenced or if she’s just seeing an issue and wanting to help solve it?

Maybe it’s not even really a DID thing. It’s just I’ve noticed it for a while and never had an explanation. Anyone else do this? Even if you don’t have DID?

[system-elixir]

Could you explain what you meant by some people with DID not having traumatic events but a traumatic existence, please?

I’m happy to explain. For reference, I made that comment in this post. 

Trigger Warning: This post will discuss types of abuse and trauma

DID is caused by repeated trauma in early childhood. While this could be a few highly traumatic events, it could also be persistent “everyday trauma”. 

By highly traumatic events I mean things like natural disasters, assaults, extreme abuse, witnessing extremely violent acts, etc. 

By everyday trauma, I mean things like growing up in a household that feels unsafe, where caregivers are unreliable and behave in ways that leave the young child feeling constantly frightened and unable to form secure attachments. Daily existence in an environment where your basic physical and/or emotional needs are not being met is traumatic. Young children need attention. They need love. They need security. 

People with DID may have parts that were formed by specific highly traumatic events, but they may also have parts that were formed by long term patterns of trauma. Those parts may not be able to remember a specific memory and say “This is the trauma that created me”. They may just feel the childhood wounds of abandonment, fear, hunger, cold, etc. 

#we definitely have both and this makes a lot of sense

[system-elixir]

[system-elixir]

Me: *Fucks up my own name* Well, that was awkward! Social anxiety sucks.

Me: Why did I add this song to my library? I don’t even like it that much. *Delete*

Me: Why did I delete that song from my library? It’s a good song! *Adds back*

Me: Why did I add this song…

Me: I wish I could make up my mind!

Me: Are you ever trying to fall asleep and your thoughts get really loud?

Me: Why did I buy this shirt? I would never wear that. *Gives it away*

Me: WHERE DID THAT ONE SHIRT GO?

Me: WTF why would I get rid of that shirt?

Me: Do you ever get in a weird mood and feel like you’re a totally different person?

Me: … Do you ever get into a weird mood and your name sounds wrong to you?

Me: My concept of what I’m supposed to look like changes on a daily basis… Yeah I just have wildly different tastes in things.

Me: Hahaha I have no memory of this person who says we’re friends, they must be mistaking me for someone else.

Me: Doesn’t everyone have extensive conversations with themselves?

Me: Lol I completely forgot I went to that Christmas party, I even posted on FB, weird that I just blanked it out!

Me: Sure sometimes I talk to myself out loud when nobody else is around. I’m quirky.

Me: It’s probably normal to do things and have no idea why you’re doing them.

Me: Hahaha yeah I space out a lot so it’s not that I’m ignoring you I just don’t remember conversations sometimes.

Me: Whoa! It’s already time for bed. The day sure gets away from me when I stay busy.

Me: Ugh, today’s been so boring, what was I even doing for the past 2 hours?

Me: Do you ever get so stressed that you just nope out and then your body starts running on autopilot? Think it’s an anxiety thing.

Me: Ha… Do you ever get so stressed that words fall out of your mouth and it’s like someone else is talking for you? … Think it’s an anxiety thing.

Me: Did I eat anything today? What did I eat?

Me: Can’t remember the last time I showered… Yikes I sure have a bad memory.

Me: Oh my god [friend I haven’t seen lately]! I forgot they existed. Out of sight out of mind!

Me: Jokes about the house being haunted because how does my stuff keep disappearing? Seriously?!

Me: … Do you ever get so stressed that you start watching yourself from over your shoulder, like you’re someone else? Sounds like a totally normal PTSD thing.

Me: Oh, sometimes when I can’t remember something I just ask myself what happened and then my brain tells me! You should try it.

Me: When I start to panic I talk to myself in 3rd person and it really helps me calm down. Must be a coping mechanism I developed!

Me: Do you ever do a thing where you can’t remember if you dreamed something or if it actually happened?

Me: When I think about the past, it’s like I used to be a completely different person. It feels like it wasn’t even me doing that stuff! I sure have changed a lot over the years.

Me: Sometimes I forget what I’m doing in the middle of a task. I’m so easily distracted!

Me: … Do you ever get into a weird mood and not like your friends for no real reason?

Me: I’m gay. No I’m bi. No I’m gay. I’m bi. No I’m gay. I’m bi, I like women too. I’m not attracted to women at all, I’m gay. I’m bi. I’m-

Me: Does everyone have extensive arguments with themselves in their heads?

Me: … Does everyone feel bad when they hurt their own feelings because of something they said during their internal dialogue?

Me: Wait… Dialogue? Monologue? Do most people call it an internal monologue?

Me: Hahaha do you ever feel like your thoughts aren’t yours?

Me: What do you mean most people don’t think of themselves in plural? You don’t tell yourself “we need to get our shit together”?

[system-elixir]

Anyone else with DID used to think your systen was just different versions of you?

It was like...

Me being caught in a good mood and having a winning smile and making eye contact. Me having the (albeit out of character) impulse to be feminine and soft. Me acting like a huge flirt and drinking too much and ending up in bed. Me being caught in a bad mood and feeling like I'm ready to knock someone into tomorrow at a moment's notice. Me having a meltdown about driving or going to school or work because it sounds impossible and not knowing how to talk to people and everything I say comes out sounding immature. Me being silly and childish and wanting to snuggle a stuffed animal and giggling at everything.

It might not sound like that big of a deal but it is. It was confusing as hell! Imagine being a normally very responsible person and finding yourself staying up partying and drinking until 2 am when you have a 9 am class the next day. Or flying through a job interview with complete confidence and having the boss adore you only to start getting in trouble at work and struggling to maintain a simple part-time job. Having your employers ask what happened to the person they hired. Sleeping with a woman and waking up the next day feeling uncomfortable because you thought you were attracted to women but now you aren't sure if you ever were. Not even being able to imagine being attracted to women. Being someone who has perfect grades and works their ass off to get every detail of an assignment right but... also sometimes you're halfway through a class and GOD IT'S SO BORING and IS THE PROFESSOR EVEN SPEAKING ENGLISH because you barely understand a thing that's going on. You don't want to go to college. You want a coloring book and some ice cream. Someone asks you what you do for fun and you have no idea what you even spend your time on outside of school. Someone asks what you're working on in school and you have no idea what you've done all week... you'll just figure it out when you open up your notes in class tomorrow. You can't even answer questions about your favorite band because half of your own music library sounds like crap to you. You have no idea how close any of your friends are because sometimes you love them so much that they're family and sometimes you kind of aren't sure if you even like them. You're normally a very assertive person but for some reason you're apologizing and can't stand up for yourself, even when someone else is in the wrong.

Talk about identity crisis, not to mention having a horrible memory. You constantly blip out entire conversations with people and forget what you're doing. You realize halfway through a task that you have no idea what you were doing. People try to remind you of things and it definitely doesn't sound like something you'd say so you argue because they must be the one who's mistaken. It's actually not fun at all... but having an explanation for it makes it a lot better now.

[system-elixir]

From my understanding, the difference is control. Co-fronting is sort of when two or more alters are in control at the same time or trading off back and forth, while co-con is when only one is in control but another is close by and the two (or more) can communicate. That being said, though, some people use them interchangeably.

Wait what’s the difference between co-conscious and co-fronting? Or is it interchangeable?

[system-elixir]

The main reason I see people talking about wishing to have DID is so they can forget some kind of trauma and stressor, but the thing about that is that DID doesn't really do that. Sure, if you're an ANP, you probably won't know much about that trauma, but your EPs will. This whole idea of "DID would be nice so I can just forget" completely forgets that while you may no longer remember, there's another part of you that does, and they're suddenly in a lot more pain than you'd be in without DID. Now you have to learn to handle that part, and now they have an entirely different set of opinions and reactions than you do. If you, without DID, can rationalize yourself out of severely self destructive behaviors, congratulations! Now that's a whole lot harder, if at all possible.

Besides that, even if you don't remember the trauma, your body and your brain do, and trying to treat or cope with a trauma response when you don't even know what the trauma is is awful. You may not remember what the trauma was, but you can bet your ass that you'll still have the emotional flashbacks, the nightmares, the body memories, the abandonment issues, the exaggerated startles response, the distrust, and so much more.

Oh, and while DID may help you to forget that one thing, it's also going to take away a lot of everything else. Do you have a childhood friend you have fond memories of? What about a family pet? An exciting summer camp? A cool vacation? That's all gone, too! And that's not even starting on the memory loss from everyday life or big events later on. Imagine forgetting things like your graduation or your wedding day.

tl;dr: Even if you could magically just develop DID, you're still gonna have to handle your trauma and your stress, except now you're not playing life on hard mode, you've found the cheat codes for the expert levels.

Please don’t say you *want* DID /OSDD

I am sure a large majority of the people that follow this blog and that this will reach probably should already know this and probably do already know this, but I’ve recently seen “Subliminals to Get Dissociative Identity Disorder” coming up and people claiming how they want it to “try a new coping mechanism” or “help them with their depression” and I really do understand the draw and the idea towards how DID / OSDD might seem easy or an enjoyable escape to serious mental health issues. 

I really do - prior to understanding my condition - I (or at least someone in the system since I know it from our old journal notes) said “Wow haha I wish I had someone who could take over my life and give me a new life” and “I wish I could just become someone else”

The idea of having “internal friends” and “internal parts” that can support you and regularly know what you need and can help you and be a great wonderful family and all that is relaxing and enjoyable. Having people that you know are “stuck with you” might help with social anxiety or depression or abandonment issues and having those parts to talk about interest with might sound great. Honestly, they are some of the highlights of having good communication with a part and similar. Those are the aspects a lot of systems like to show because a lot of systems don’t want to show the ugly ugly moments. 

It’s not easy, fun, comfortable, or safe to talk about all the dangerous and negative moments that come with it or the active struggle and stress that comes just casually and usually with this disorder.

Its not a fun hug box of family members and friends all the time and it sure as hell didn’t start that way. Our system talks and has a lot of aspects in order so from time to time if you read this blog, we might sound like a loving family that shitposts at one another and supports eachother through the worst time - and yeah we do because we spent years trying to understand one another and find a method that worked - but the conflicts that come with it, the loss of autonomy, the loss of individual self, the arguments about how 12+ “different people” (as that is what it feels like even thoguh it is parts) are supposed to share one single life where not every dream and goal can be met, the regular upheval of trauma and unplesant memories, the realization of just how much trauma is the basis for most of our very existence and consciousness, the general C-PTSD symptoms, the time loss, the lack of awareness of what had happened the day, so on and so forth.

Some alter’s don’t work well with the system. Some alters don’t establish boundaries with other alters. Some alters intentionally or otherwise take advantage of others. Some alters hurt the body. Some alters cause more trauma. Some alters just don’t function well. Some alters never “get to live” their life. 

I know it sounds helpful to have people living in your head and to be able to not exist when you are depressed, stressed, lonely, etc - but there is so much loss that comes with the disorder to get that break. It is a disorder brought upon by childhood trauma - a disorder where the prerequisite is practically having lost your childhood and the result is spending your adulthood trying to fix it.

It really isn’t fun and it isn’t easy and behind a lot of smiles, hugs, and mutual appreciation, there is a lot of struggle, difficultly, loss, debilitation, and pain that comes from it. I don’t hate having DID because I’ve adjusted to it and its the life that I am used to and the only life I know and I never had a choice to have it or not, but that doesn’t mean it is something you should want or desire. It isn’t a choice people have to make. 

You can’t choose to have DID and saying you got DID intentionally is just rude and insulting to those of us who had it forced upon us through repeated childhood trauma.

Please don’t say you want to have DID. Please don’t “intentionally become a system.”

If you want DID, I understand where you are coming from, but please know that it is romanticizing and idealizing a really really hard thing to deal with and please know there are a lot better ways to handle and cope than to try to dissociate from yourself. 

LARPing and acting has shown to help people with PTSD and depression to get a place where they don’t have to feel like themselves and where they can build connections with others. Pick up an art form, write a story to express yourself. I know it is probably hard, but please find something else to try to cope. Reach out to a friend if you can, talk to a professional if you can. 

Just please don’t say you want DID. It really isn’t half as nice as it sounds.

[system-elixir]

me: i wish i could erase my bad memories

dissociative amnesia: i hear you. what if we took it another step further?