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h-godrej-blog · 7 years

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L’amour de ma vie tw: death, alcohol

The blinds are drawn, leaving the white lights to flicker above him. He hates it, he hates how much they remind of him the MORGUE. The doctor doesn’t seem too happy, trying best to keep a straight face. The file between them is the only string of connection they have; an analysis on the Montague Captain’s health.

The doctor hesitates, “. . . Hiran, you’re dying.”

You’re dying.

The words sound odd. As if Death had finally decided to knock on his door ( without any surprises or explosions ). Hiran merely blinks, “ – because of my heart?”

The doctor tosses the file aside, pulling down his glasses to give him a serious look. “No, young boy, because of your liver.”

Later that evening, Hiran makes his way to the bar. He finds the doctor’s concerns to be out of character, a hoax. Perhaps the Capulets had paid him off ( or the Spades ). Regardless, it shouldn’t have been a matter of his liver ( it should have been his heart ).

The beating organ.

It felt heavy, the weight of all the losses smothering against it. Hiran wonders if he can die of a broken heart, he wonders as he orders another round of drinks.

He wonders . . . what love tastes like, his hands slowly reaching for the glass of whiskey.

Ishq. The first time he sees it, he’s a young boy. His parents are a few steps ahead of him, their hands intertwined. They are about to see an opera, and Hiran is about to complain the entire time.

Halfway through the second act, he manages to fall asleep. However, the crescendos are too LOUD, the applause too magnificent – the poor boy wakes up in a daze, finding a strange sight. His father had leaned over, giving his mother a kiss.

Hiran tilts his head, wondering what that meant. He had never seen it before . . .

. . . and now the grown man gulps down two vodka shots for his parents. They had taken a good chunk of his heart with them the moment they fell to the floor, their souls departing from the bodies. He wonders if this why his heart feels so empty.

Mohabbat . This time, he doesn’t see it – he FEELS it. Feels it in the way she sighs his name into his ears, in between blind touches and roaming lips. He can remember the way her back arches, his fingers tracing down her spine.

This is a FAKE affection, something created between lingering touches and untamed desires. They are not lovers, they are not friends, they are conquerors. One night stand gone horribly wrong ( but oh so right ).

She accepted him with open arms, turning a candle into a fire. She was his rival, she was the enemy. And no one would know what she looked like in those odd hours, no one but him. It’s hilarious, he thinks. For the Montague never asked Rafaella to take their secret to the grave.

And now he asks for some more rum, denying the slight ache his heart felt. Denying everything. It had been nothing ( it had been something ).

Pyaar. They told him to never look at the sun directly, they told him it would be harmful for the eyes. He finally understands what they were talking about the moment Hector steps into the room, his neck covered in bruises that do not look like fingerprints.

They look like bite marks, left by a lover.

Hiran gulps, looking away. He doesn’t want to ask anymore, and Hector never tells him. He merely wants to RIP his heart out of the ribcage, wondering why it ever grew attachments to others. Wondering why there were so many holes, so many scars.

His heart was dying.

His heart is dying, he claims. Ordering one more drink before the bartender cuts him off. Hiran wants to bitterly tell them that friends are supposed to be honest with each other. But the words come out slurred as the realization slowly sinks in; they were never friends.

No one looks at their friend the way Hiran looks at the sun.

Fanaa. The liquor burns down his throat, warming his stomach. The room slowly spins while his head feels light and airy. There is a smile on his face ( for once ) and peering out into the crowd, between the blur of dancing bodies and slowed laugher, Hiran realizes.

This is what love tastes like.

It tastes like a tequila shot; rigged as the salt, HOT as the liquor, and refreshing as the lime. Over and over again, Hiran feels it – he feels LOVE.

Except he’s falling, not sure how to make sense of things. This is where the madness descends, the CHAOS of intoxication. He loved it, he loved he loved he loved.

He loved so much, it broke his heart.

What a shame, to crave something that will inevitably destroy him. What a shame, to pour affections from a bottle. Hiran tries not to cry, or laugh, for Death had been waiting for him. Death would take him, bit by bit, piece by piece, until there was nothing left in his heart to salvage.

He stumbles into a worried face, one that would’ve been pretty had it not been for his glossy eyes. Hiran winces, knowing well how this ended.

Calina.

This was the face of Death, the face that ended it all. A night of good fun abruptly coming to a full stop. He blinks, admitting, “ . . . get me home.”

Get him home, so he can seek love for another night. Another bar. Another drink.

And yet, they tell him that he’s dying.

#( journal )#( silhouette )#// this is slight AU #// but also you can blame ark cause i was inspired by ark to write this :)))#// WHAT IS LOVE? BABY DON'T HURT ME #// DON'T HURT ME NO MOOOORE

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sometimesrosy · 7 years

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Tagged by @tracylorde thank you! and i’m glad you’ve come over to the dark side of writing fanfic too.

1. what is your most popular fic by kudos? comments? bookmarks? are they all the same?

kudos Proof Canon AU fake marriage where Bellamy and Clarke must marry to secure an alliance. This one has a lot to do with Clarke helping Bellamy recover from his trauma and learn to believe that he deserves love and happiness. Not slow burn. They get busy right away. And it causes problems.

comments Got You A series of interlinked story prompts set in canon AU after season 3. No second apocalypse. It’s mainly about how Bellamy is helping Clarke recover from her trauma and stop being afraid to love. Slow burn. A bit of angst in there that I think is why the comments are tops. Everyone freaked out. It was awesome.

bookmarks: The Air Is Fine Up Here This is an Ark AU set 5 years after the show, but in a world where The Ark’s air system is fine. It’s the political environment that is destructive. Second children are not illegal they are just shunned. Clarke is a doctor with an illegal clinic in Factory, and she meets Bellamy because he is doing gladiator fights to earn money to support Octavia. It’s pretty plot heavy. It was nominated for a best Ark AU on bellarke fanfiction awards a couple years back, so it was my most popular for a long time, but the others have caught up.

2. do you have a favorite of your fics? if not, do you have one you’re most proud of? why?

Coming Home, which is a modern AU with a divorced Clarke and professor Bellamy, where she comes back to her college town and discovers who she is again surrounded by her friends. So it’s got some themes of the show. I wanted to think about what kind of “apocalypse” would be that devastating in the real world. So I made it this kind of divorce/abuse thing. But it’s not about the divorce, it’s all about the recovery. So it’s not personal at all. (okay it is. although it’s still entirely fictional, not a memoir in the slightest.) I’m also really proud of the bit of humor in this.

3. what fandom/ship (if you write for more than one) is your favorite to write for?

The 100 Bellarke

4. do you have any fics that got more popularity/attention than you expected? if so what were they?

Contracting and Expanding, this weird little child birth fic that I wrote because I was frustrated that women and girls don’t seem to understand what childbirth is really like. Like it’s this kind of open secret, and it’s so romanticized sometimes. I added a second chapter to wrap it up over a year later. I’ve never really understood why it is one of my most popular one shots.

5. where do you get your ideas/inspiration from? do you have a fic that you feel is particularly unique in that area?

I have a WAY different path to fanfiction than most of you. It wasn’t a thing when I was a kid. There was no internet. I started writing fantasy and science fiction when i was 15, but it was all original because I didn’t know of this concept. And there was certainly no community for it. Nowadays I think writers build their chops with fanfiction, explore, experiment. When I got to fanfiction, I’d already been through that stage and was taking my writing SO SERIOUSLY. Fanfiction let me get the fun back, and lowered the artificially high stakes that I had created in my head. Writing is so psychological and the writing process is basically a writer fighting the demons in their head in order to get words on a page. Fanfiction was like a big FU to my demons, because I was going to enjoy writing again.

Most of my writing inspiration comes out of my history, my reading, my curiosity, my questions. Me. I’ve been such a Fantasy/Scifi geek for so long though, that a lot of it is based on that. Fanfiction, though, allowed me to write general fiction, without the pretension of literary fiction, which going to school for English/Creative Writing had conned me into thinking was the only deserving writing (screw you academia.) Ha. I actually wrote about Clarke as a professor and Bellamy as a student in Academic. Be aware, I was not an academic. I got out of college and started waiting tables so I could be a writer/artist. Ha. Like in The Arkadias/Just Having Fun Clarke/Bellamy povs for the same story. Okay. So my inspiration either comes out my real life or out of my scifi/fantasy reading. Or wish fulfillment and my love of fake marriage tropes ala The Carriage House.

6. do you have a favorite character to write POV for?

honestly it alternates between Bellamy and Clarke. I suppose I might have more from Clarke’s pov. I’ve never checked.

7. what’s your favorite sidepairing to include?

Raven and Wells maybe. I don’t do too many side pairings. I’m more into the platonic friendships.

8. do you have a fic you feel is underrated in comparison to your other fics? or you just wish more people would read?

Maybe Moonshine. Because I turned it into an original novel that I’m still working on and I really like it, but I can’t blame anyone because I left it unfinished it when I decided to adapt it. But it’s like a preview of my novel.

9. what’s something you would go back and change in one of your fics?

I think I did go back and change an Echo ex Bellamy girlfriend to Gina.

Oh wait. I would have made everyone older in The Valley, part 1. It started out as a soulmate HS witches AU, but I tried to explain the sharing skin marks and it got pretty dark and very sexual. It’s the most sexual of all my fics, and I think it’s a little icky that she’s only 18. I like the concept but the HS thing was a mistake. Just like I don’t think I should try for writing smut, I also don’t think I should try for YA fic. I’m just not a YA writer. Or maybe it was the wrong story to try on. I had to drop that story. It went down a path that was more complicated than anticipated.

10. what is your favorite sort of comment to receive on a fic?

It’s kind of cool when people take quotes from the work and talk about what they meant or how they affected them.

11. what are your favorite genres of fic to write? (e.g. modern au, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, etc.)

oh, sometimes I feel the need for Modern AU fluff ( a lot actually) but my favorite is probably Science Fiction, like not post apocalyptic, but space.

12. what are your favorite tropes to write?

Hands down, fake marriage/dating. Canon AU. Modern AU. Space AU. I’ve got a fake marriage for all. I’ve got a MULTI FIC fake marriage for all. And I’m not sorry.

13. do you write fics similar to what you enjoy reading or completely different? both?

The science fiction and the canon au is similar to what I used to enjoy reading IRL. But I’m in a phase of reading very gentle fiction. Fluff and easy reading. Comfort reading, so what I mainly read in my fanfiction is modern AU fluff fics.

14. what’s your writing process like?

My fic writing is a lot less planned out that my original novel writing. Probably because I already have the characters straight in my head and if I’m doing canon, I have the world too.

So what happens is I get an idea that excites me. It starts spinning around in my head and I want to see what would happen if I put Clarke and Bellamy in that world. Sometimes I have an idea about where it ends up. Sometimes I don’t have any idea (except for Bellamy and Clarke always get together, but i may not know how.)

Then I go with the inspiration and write furiously for however long. When I’m posting a chapter every day or three? That’s this phase. Then I hit a snag. I’ve run out of inspiration or doubts have infiltrated my story or I don’t know where the plot goes next or life has gotten messy and ruined my focus, or maybe the story just got complicated and I need to work out the snag. My pace slows down. I start taking on other projects, writing or otherwise. I figure out the snag and work my way back into the story (or occasionally) I decide that story is either too complicated and drop it, or I decide that I’ve actually finished the story and need to wrap it up.

15. multi-chapter, oneshot, or drabble?

Multi-chap. At heart, I’m a novelist and I have a hard time not thinking about how the tropes got to be the way they were in the story, so I build a world around them and create things to make them more logical or deal with cause and effect. And I also have a hard time leaving short stories the way they are, without continuing with what comes next. Sometimes when I read one shots or drabbles, I really don’t understand how the fic writers can simply not write what comes next. How do you keep yourself from continuing? My urge is to keep exploring the characters, story and world. I have finished multichaps that I could keep going with, but I have moved on to other stories.

16. if someone was only going to read one of your fics, which would you want them to read?

That’s a hard one. I think each one has something different to offer and I like them all. I put so much effort into the multichaps so I’m going to stick with one of those and pick the one I’m writing right now. Into Eden. It’s a space colonist AU and is turning out to be my longest fic ever and I think I’d count it as a novel. It will have a beginning, middle and an end, and there’s quite a bit of world building and conflict. It’s a fake marriage/mail order bride where Bellamy is the bride. If I can take a trope and put my personal spin on it so it’s a unique story, that’s what I’ll do. And that’s what I am trying to do here.

i’m really bad at tagging and this is why i don’t often do these things. it gives me anxiety so I’m only tagging a couple and if i missed you and you want to do it, please pretend that I tagged you because I actually want to hear EVERYONE do this. I think this stuff is interesting and it’s always good to think about your writing and your process. @mareebrittenford @marauders-groupie @the-ships-to-rule-them-all

for ease, the questions are copied blank, after the jump. (good idea kat)