#;; something about this last MTFL update made me snap even though I didn't even play it

[clansayeed]

coming next year on choices: stories you play*... *except not really because this is a joke post; satire; making fun of the dumb stuff they keep doing

*~The Royal Education~*

MC is the crown princess of Cordonia; imported from TRR and TRH but the plot doesn’t really make sense if her father isn’t Liam but oh well Maxwell will make a quip so it’s all okay 

who because of some wacky wild law or ancient tradition has to attend her mother's New York High School in order to fully ascend to the crown. she’s beautiful and full figured despite being a freshman and can wear whatever she wants -- and what she wants to wear is a mini skirt and a cut off sweater that shows off her royal shoulders -- but the school has to deal with it because APPLES or something

but the girl everybody knows and loathes, who has been the most popular since day care and is the head cheerleader, and whose daddy invented toaster strudel, doesn't want the competition for Homecoming queen!! you probably didn’t even want to sign up!! but she dumped her oddly healthy and bougie high school tray lunch on your head in front of Boy 1 and Boy 2 so ITS ON. don’t worry, your friends will help, since they each have an oddly unique and necessary hobby that will help you win votes

"You're already getting a real crown! This one is mine!" Bad GirlTM whines the night of the dance, then she keeps you from the dance by stabbing MCs hand with the heel of her shoe because Bastien wasn't paying attention and because she’ll do anything to win

but don’t worry, you can flirt with her through the whole book and if you buy a premium scene at the end to confront her in the locker room shower, your eyes can roam up and down her soft body and curves and you can feel your cheeks flush as you learn she has a really sad home life as an only child despite being white and rich so everything is totally forgiven with a hug even though you’re both technically naked??

live like a real high schooler!

join the cheerleading squad! even though your friends are in other activities. you’re a princess. you have to join the cheerleading squad. buy your uniform for only 25 diamonds, and impress that special someone with a hair scrunchie in theme for only 18 diamonds

hang out at the mall like a real teen! just ignore the mobs of press, Bastien probably just went for a coffee he’ll be back soon

give your new inner-city school a Cordonian apple tree. they’ll find somewhere to put it its fine

customize your locker! buy the locker right next to your crush! or just keep the one next to the janitor’s closet that’s fine too. throughout the book you’ll be able to make your locker look glam -- with matching apple binders and pens, a locker door mirror, some fun corgi stickers, and don’t forget your signed copy of The Royal Romance by Maxwell Beaumont

and don’t forget to grab a quick java boost with your LI on your way to school. you won’t be late, your sleek vespa will get you there just in time for the bell. you might even get to feel his desire against your back. wait what? you chose the woman? oh shit. uh... just pretend her desire is her bouncing beautiful bosom that’s still on your back

featuring...

- the violent red-head best friend, an obvious Olivia parallel but she’s from New York so it’s not the same thing and totally okay. did I mention she loves winter and has always wanted to vacation in Lythikos?

- the cute comedic relief guy in all his gay-coded glory, but if you don’t have an official LI at the dance you can dance with him and its all fine

- the nerdy WOC, who can’t be asian because here at pixelberry we defy stereotypes like that, and who has never so much as seen a weed because doing calculus and planning for college is much more important. this is why she’s never around for you to romance, even though she’s the only woman LI. she’s always studying for college

- Barty, who didn’t want to go there in the first place but somehow got forced along, and is literally just an aged-down Bertrand sprite

- Boy 1, a wealthy popular kid who was dating the rival homecoming queen until this year when he dumped her to “find himself” in his music and ended up finding you instead. he doesn’t want to date you because “you come with drama” but what he really means is “you make him horny”

- and Boy 2, who just moved to NY too so you have a lot in common being outsiders and all, even though he grew up on a farm in Texas and compares everything to pig-wrestling and only ever wears flannel until the dance when he can suddenly afford Gucci suits... even though there was an 8 episode story arc about his family’s financial struggles

- with a special mention to your gender-customized homeroom teacher, who is always driving you home and tutoring you in your worst subject. and there’s a forum rumor that in book 3 when you turn 18 and graduate you can confess your love to them and screw on your old school desk

Will you... take it to the next level at the dance? Because for just 30 diamonds (well... those and the 20 diamond scenes you’ve been pretty much guilted into buying because if you don’t your LI fails high school or something) you guys can screw under the gym bleachers... in the middle of the dance!!

Find love. Find friends. Find your English homework before one of your fifty (50) CORGIS eats it and the teacher won’t believe you! 

*(sorry, even if you get all the timed choices right it happens anyway)

But most of all... find yourself... in every apple-themed wardrobe piece you own.

coming to your app next year! and by that we mean january, because we need to milk this for all its worth

and be sure to check back soon for more book updates, like Hero 2 for VIP, the Home for the Holidays Halloween special, and our super secret mystery book that we still haven’t released yet!! yay!!

#playchoices #choices stories you play #the royal romance #the royal heir #choices trr #; satire #; discourse #re: the royal romance #;; this is pure satire y'all but i don't care roast me #;; something about this last MTFL update made me snap even though I didn't even play it #;; and I just... had to get this out somehow?