#<- lol tumblr crashed on me bc my 7 day snooze live thing ran out. anyways… im scraping by. i didn’t get an onboarding. and it’s not all

[pepprs]

like no it’s actually insane. not to double post but like. OF COURSE i have impostor syndrome. i am given reasons to believe i am an impostor EVERY SINGLE DAY. i am left out of conversations and forgotten about and sidelined and don’t have access to all the things and am seen as subordinate and interact w so many ppl who knew me when i was an undergrad FOR GOOD REASON bc i was one literally less than a year ago!!!! and im one to talk bc im a full time staff member now but im still hurting and feeling abandoned or whatever and i feel like an ingrate bitch for hurting over it but it’s REAL. and i know that im surrounded by ppl who care abt me and want me to grow and stuff and the only way out is through… but im TIRED. this has been my experience for like 5 years and it’s times like this where it’s just.. im TIRED of fighting to be shoulder to shoulder. to force the square peg into a round hole. im 24 and i don’t have a phd and i haven’t lived very much or very long and there’s a lot of things i don’t know. i need to stop trying to close a gap that can’t close. it’s literally killing me to try to close it and im not even in school!!!!

#purrs #and not to get on THIS high horse too but it makes me sick to wonder if i would still be feeling like this if what happened in july hadnt #happened. like maybe my impostor syndrome is so huge and overpowering because i had to IMMEDIATELY leap into footprints like 6x my size and #fill them without any transition. maybe i wouldn’t be feeling so shitty about myself because i wouldn’t have had a reason to. and i know the #growth is important and it opened new opportunities etc etc but like. im ECS #<- lol tumblr crashed on me bc my 7 day snooze live thing ran out. anyways… im scraping by. i didn’t get an onboarding. and it’s not all #about me like none of this is. but im TIRED and i still feel so angry and hurt and whatever and that’s only making it worse. idk. godddddd #delete later