#→ i've only felt religion when i've lied with you ( fexi; invisiblehoward )

[fezdispenser]

@invisiblehoward​ gets a bridgerton starter!

       Of course, he should know better than to have allowed himself to grow so fond of Miss Alexis, how he finds himself awaiting her weekly clandestine visits to the bookshop, spends all his free time getting lost himself within the pages of the books that line the shop walls, squireling away the ones he thinks she’d love, leaving handwritten notes within the margins for her to read. His Grandma scolds him, warning him how he has no business fraternizing with the ton, he tells her how Lexi is different, and she reminds him his place and hers, how they’re from DIFFERENT worlds; how he’s read too many books, too lost within his own imagination for his own good, and maybe he thinks there might be some truth within her words as much as its wounds him to hear.

     They’re JUST friends, he reminds himself every time his heart flutters at the thought of her, how Lexi fast becomes the highlight of his week, despite his Grandma’s warnings. It’s Thursday, and he eagerly awaits her arrival, a copy a Pride and Prejudice set aside for her arrival, only off the presses a few short weeks ago. She arrives a little after 1pm and the two scurry off a quiet space in the back of the store away from prying eyes, god forbid they should be seen talking in such a manner so openly.

      Fez holding out the book for her, “This came in this week, Pride and Prejudice, written by the same author as Sense and Sensibility, I do wonder who she is don’t you? A mystery, like Lady Whistledown.  I digress Miss Alexis but I should think you’ll be rather fond of Miss Elizabeth” a small smile offered as he passes her the book carefully, fingers almost brush causing his cheeks to flush instantly, “I do hope you enjoy it, how did you find last week's offering? Favourable?” he wonders, he loves hearing he thoughts and opinions on the books they read, their own private book club, unknown to the rest of the world.

#invisiblehoward #→ i've only felt religion when i've lied with you ( fexi; invisiblehoward )

[fezdispenser]

invisiblehoward asked: “ i know we agreed on keeping things casual, but... “

FWB MEME | Accepting! | from : @invisiblehoward​

         Casual not usually a word in his vocabulary when it came to dating; although his brother reminds him it’s been for fucking ever since he was even on a date, which is why Ashtray sets him up on tinder in the first place, makes the profile before Fez can even tell him no, not that Ash would listen anyway. I’m fuckin’ sick of you mopin’ ‘round all the time, you need a girlfriend or something bruh. He doesn’t have a clue what the fuck dating apps are all about, what happened to meeting a girl in real life, getting to know her, peeling back the layers piece by piece, not this impersonal fuckery of text messages and GIFs (what the fuck even were GIFS meant to be used for? Flirting? Fucked if Fez knew. 

        He’s swiped right on Lexi his first day on the app, she was home from college for summer, and Rue had set her up much like Ash had him. Remembering his little crush he had on her when Rue use to bring her around back in middle school, which felt like a fucking lifetime ago now at TWENTY TWO. They joke about how they didn’t really do dating apps and  Fez thinks fuck it, and asks her if she like, wants to go out for dinner, no pressure, just face-to-face and not over some weird app. And that dinner turns to two, then three, and before they know it they’re on date number four, keeping it casual with a fun little day date to mini golf, which he is TERRIBLE at, but at least he’s making her laugh at each hole when it takes him at least FIVE tries to get his ball anywhere close to going in, and on the drive home she says

                     “ i know we agreed on keeping things casual, but... “

      Fez a little flustered and taken back by her, looking over at her, a hint of a smile flickers on his mouth. He only said that because he knew she was going back to college in two months, figured that casual was all she was looking for, a little summer fling before it was back to the books come September. But if he’s being honest, he likes her, A LOT, and the more he learns, the easier he finds himself falling for her harder. She tells him about college, about the books she’s reading, her plans for future, how she has it all figured out, and he listens in awe, he could listen to her talk or hours, forever amazed by the way she knows everything. “I just figured you wouldn’t be lookin’ for nothin’ serious since you got college and shit to be worryin’ ‘bout, but if Ima be real wi you, I like you Lexi, for real, so, talk to me -- what’s goin’ on in that pretty lil head of yours shawty--” nervous in his admission, but he wasn’t gonna lie to her, not when she really had him feeling a certain type of way about her. Fez was many things, but he was no idiot, not when he knew just how deep his feelings were for Lexi.

#invisiblehoward #→ i've only felt religion when i've lied with you ( fexi; invisiblehoward )

[fezdispenser]

@invisiblehoward lexi liked for a throwback starter!

sun scotched in the summer  sky, the hot californian heat beating down on them as they sat on top of the roof top, watching as rue rode off on her bike leaving the two of them alone, something about a call from gia needing her to help her with something with her dad, and fez didn’t like to ask too many questions, since he knew how hard it was for her to even talk about how sick he was; and how the chemo wasn’t working, easier for them to not think about what that meant in the long run. they’d been hanging out all summer, but it was the first time they’d ever really been alone, and he wonders if she’d rather go home too, but he hopes not. “ if you like -- gotta be goin’ that’s cool -- or -- if you uh -- wanna hang for a bit that’s cool too --”

he felt so fucking nervous now it was just the two of them; thinking back to all the times it’s just been him and rue and how different it feels with lexi, and maybe that’s the little crush he has had since the start of summer, the one rue teases him about when it’s just the two of them hanging alone in his smoking. I ain’t got no fuckin’ crush. no matter how much he denied it they both knew the truth, but he’s prayin’ rue keeps that to her fuckin’ self. “i’mma grab a dr pepper, finna get you anythin’? yo wantin’ an ice cream s’ammich or somethin’?”  he asks, nerves in his tone and he hops up to his feet ready to climb down to get his drink and whatever lexi wants. “ yo you can like stay up here i’mma be back real soon.” and he is as promised, returning a few minutes later with the good in hand and some extra’s in case they got the munchies, since he always did whenever he was smoking.

#→ verse; and everytime i look at you its like the first time ( invisiblehoward ) #→ i've only felt religion when i've lied with you ( fexi; invisiblehoward ) #→ fuckin' fearless ( lexi howard )

[fezdispenser]

invisiblehoward asked: ❛ don’t we deserve to be happy? ❜

             He always loses track of time when it comes to Lexi, how minutes turn to hours, and before he knows it's 11.30PM, and he SHOULD  be driving her home, but selfishly he wants her to stay, to have her in one of his shirts, cuddled up in his bed with him, he’s thought about it on lonely nights when he’s still awake at 3AM, dreaming about all the things they spoke of; letting his imagination run wild and its always Lexi Howard by his side in every dream.

          Her head in his lap looking up at him with sad brown eyes, and he knows she could convince him to do just about anything when she looks at him like that, he tells her they should be thinking about driving her home, but he doesn’t want to, wanting nothing more than to have her here with him and the look on his face says it too.

           “all i’m sayin’ is it’s a school night and yo mom ain’t exactly my biggest fan... BUT you do be makin’ a point.” he shrugs, boyish grin plastered across his face “not that ima bad influence or nothin’ but if you told a lil white lie ‘bout being a rue’s place i wouldn't tell no one.” bold for him because he’s not usually this forthcoming but the more time they spend together the more it doesn’t ever feel like long enough. Fez could listen to her talk for HOURS, and he does, never getting tired of the marvel that was her mind, she's like, the fucking smartest person he’s ever met, and she's funny, so fucking funny and the best part is she doesn’t realise it.

             “be nice to like, fall asleep beside ya instead of on the phone sometime--” sleepovers were new territory, and being real fezco had never even had a girl that wasn’t rue in his bed, and that was like not the same, but he couldn’t help let his mind drift off to the idea of Lexi fucking Howard in his bed.

@invisiblehoward​ / angst meme / accepting! 

#→ i've only felt religion when i've lied with you ( fexi; invisiblehoward ) #invisiblehoward #→ no fuckin funny business ( answered ) #HAVE SOME CUTE FLUFF

[fezdispenser]

@invisiblehoward​ gets a we didn’t exactly plot but vaugly mentioned it starter!

               Freedoms stripped away, all sense of who he was replaced with faded beige, his bullet wound healed, but the scars of that night still burned in his mind, prison was nothing like it seems on TV. Locked up like an ANIMAL waiting trial for a crime he didn’t exactly commit, but to claim innocence a lie too. This is ROCK BOTTOM. No funeral for his brother; and no justice for his death, the cop responsible still gets to go home to his family; gets to LIVE, while Ash is buried six feet deep in an unmarked grave; his Grandma shipped off to some state facility, his home left in ruins. His lawyer comes some days; goes over the same story; tells him he should THINK about the plea deal; consider his OPTIONS, reminds him how a jury would look at someone like him, how they won’t see him as a KID who was failed by EVERYONE, no -- they’ll see a MONSTER, and when he looks at himself in the mirror that’s just what he sees looking back.

           The first time Lexi came, he wouldn’t see her; COULDN’T BARE facing her, told Rue to tell her not to come back, that he was a LOST CAUSE, but Rue’s stubborn, and she comes back, week after week, and EVENTUALLY she talks him into letting Lex on his visitors list. He’s nervous as shit the night before, can’t fucking sleep -- but nothing new there, even in the free world before all this sleeping never came easy. You’ve got a visitor O’Neill, and he’d lead down to the visitors' room, knots in hit stomach as he spots her already seated at a table, and already he HATES that she’s seeing him like this, but FUCK it was nice to see her face in person, swallowing thick the lump in his throat.

          Lexi being here, a sharp reminder of EVERYTHING he’s lost.  He doesn’t get why she even WANTS to see him; he had NOTHING to offer; an almost certain fate behind bars for the foreseeable.  “Wasn’t sure if you’d come --” head bowed down, staring at the worn plastic table, feeling like if he looked at her for too long his heart might just fucking stop. He wants to tell her how much he’s missed her; how she’s never left his mind these past couple of months; how her letters were the only  thing he looked forward too; he knows it’s selfish -- that he doesn’t DESERVE her compassion; her love. But she gives it ANYWAY.

             “I uh -- meant to write ya back, I ain’t so good with words like you are -- shit, uh -- I don’t even know what I’m s’pose to say to ya, Lexi --”  it felt so alien; when they’d spend the first half of the year talking Every day about their hopes; their dreams, shit he’d never said out loud came out with easy to her, and yet, right now, he can barely fucking look at her. 

#i said: fuck ur feelings #invisiblehoward #→ i've only felt religion when i've lied with you ( fexi; invisiblehoward )

[fezdispenser]

“Go knowing I told you all my secrets. Because you were my best friend.”

EVELYN HUGO MEME || ACCEPTING || FROM @invisiblehoward

They’d been talking for months; the late night phone calls, and 8AM texts, the nights spend on his couch not close enough to touch, but close enough to feel warm and safe in each other’s company – that felt familiar; nostalgic, like back before Rue’s dad died, and his Grandma got sick, when thing had been simpler.

But NOTHING felt simple any more; life was cruel, it was unforgiving and relentless, his world darker without his brother at arms, and he couldn’t speak of him. He hadn’t said his name in months, and Rue and Lexi didn’t dare either. Ash was gone. And with him part of Fezco was too. That softness that made him who he was fallen, in its place a cold, numbing ache that spilled out like broken glass and sharp blades cutting everyone off who tried to break through.

He never made it to her play; never made it to the wake they held for Ash after the funeral either, he couldn’t, the guilt, and pain, it consumed him, having to face his friends, his found family, knowing he was the reason Ash was gone, no, fuck that – no way. The only ounce of solace was in knowing that rat bastard Custer went down with him, he should have let Ash finish him that day like he did Mouse. He can barely stand being in his house, it no longer felt like a home, Faye tried her best to comfort him, while in her own grief – Lexi showed up, every day, that unspoken promise she made on the couch back in January ‘i’ll stand by you’ rung true. But the more she pushed closer, the more he backed up.

Everyone he loves leaves; his mom, his grandma and now Ash. He couldn’t; wouldn’t let Lexi be next. It had to be this way.

He’s in her room, and it’s the first time he’s been in here, she’s sitting on the edge of her bed, and he’s stood a few feet back by her door, at a safe distance so he couldn’t back out of what he came here to do. “ you can’t be comin’ round no more, Lex –” he’s shaking his head, teeth sinking down into his lip until he tastes blood, his hearts already broken but somehow this still fucking hurts. “ you ‘n’ me – never gon’ work – you know that, who the fuck we kiddin’ – ain’t nothin’ good in this world –” there is a dry laugh that scratches in the back of his throat; not that anything about this was funny, but grief had a fucking funny was of presenting to the world. “ you take care of yo Self lexi howard –”

And now she’s talking, voice raised, and a sadness painted on her face that could kill him if he could feel anything any more; he only catches the end “go knowing i told you all my secrets, because you were my best friend” he’s shaking his head, tears spilling from behind blue eyes as he turns to walk away before he can’t.

#→ i've only felt religion when i've lied with you ( fexi; invisiblehoward ) #when i tell you i SOBBED #writing this #i am not joking TWICE #tw death #tw character death

[fezdispenser]

@invisiblehoward sent a 📸 to see pictures fezco has of lexi on his camera roll

#→ i've only felt religion when i've lied with you ( fexi; invisiblehoward ) #invisiblehoward

[fezdispenser]

❝  i don’t need your permission to fall in love with you.  you don’t gotta love me back,  but it isn’t gonna stop me from being here when you need someone.  ❞

EMO STARTERS || From @invisiblehoward​

              if only she knew that that was the problem; he did love her back. and that fucking terrified him. see, his grandma told him once that love was the one thing in this world you could never trust ‘don’t fall in love snowflake, that’s the only emotion you can’t trust’ and he always wondered if that was true; he thought about that a lot as weeks turned to months and their phone calls got longer, not ending until one of them was asleep on the other end of the line; he wondered on all the nights they shared at his house watching the classics and little house on the prairie re-runs; how could this be so bad when it felt so fucking good?

            but it was different now. every thing was darker; nothing felt hopeful any more, all those stupid fucking dreams he had of a life so far removed from the one he was stuck in felt so much further now with ash gone. he didn’t deserve  anything good. he didn’t deserve lexi howard. he was the reason ash was dead. that image of him burned in the back of his mind, it kept him up at night, and in the brief moments he could sleep he’d wake screaming, sweat drenched and heart racing after seeing ash die over and over like some sick movie he couldn’t stop.

          so, how could he let her love him? how could she love him? eyes squeezed tight shut for a moment, as he’s trying to ground himself, to say something -- and there is a part of him that wants so badly to let her in; that comfort she offered gave him a shred of relief from the pain that he was drowning in. he’s known grief before, but never like this; it was suffocating. blue eyes open to look up at her, “ain’t that just that the problem though -- i do.”

          “ i just don’t know how you can love me.”

#→ i've only felt religion when i've lied with you ( fexi; invisiblehoward ) #invisiblehoward #→ no fuckin funny business ( answered )

[fezdispenser]

→ bro i'm so confused ( ooc ) → ride or die ( promos ) → who the fuck this bitch? ( memes ) → no fuckin funny business ( answered ) → hell yeah ( wish list ) → how the fuck you know all this ( headcanons ) → ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece ( musings ) → everything is blue. his pills. his hands. his jeans ( visage )

→ i've only felt religion when i've lied with you ( fexi; invisiblehoward ) → cause i got you and now that's all that counts ( fexi; obsherver ) → all we do is think about the feelings that we hide ( kazco; kitkween )

→ that's my family ( rue bennett ) → fuckin' fearless ( lexi howard ) → playboy ( nate jacobs ) → lookin' all sailor moon & shit ( jules vaughn ) → we don't eat carbs ( maddy perez ) → kitten queen ( kat hernandez ) → malibu barbie ( cassie howard ) → that's my business partner ( ashtray o'neill )

#→ bro i'm so confused ( ooc ) #→ ride or die ( promos ) #→ who the fuck this bitch? ( memes ) #→ no fuckin funny business ( answered ) #→ hell yeah ( wish list ) #→ how the fuck you know all this ( headcanons ) #→ ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece ( musings ) #→ everything is blue. his pills. his hands. his jeans ( visage ) #→ i've only felt religion when i've lied with you ( fexi; invisiblehoward ) #→ all we do is think about the feelings that we hide ( kazco; kitkween ) #→ that's my family ( rue bennett ) #→ fuckin' fearless ( lexi howard ) #→ playboy ( nate jacobs ) #→ lookin' all sailor moon & shit ( jules vaughn ) #→ we don't eat carbs ( maddy perez ) #→ kitten queen ( kat hernandez ) #→ malibu barbie ( cassie howard ) #→ that's my business partner ( ashtray o'neill )