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freefolkfightorflight · 6 months

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Brain Dump

I started my adhd meds again for the first time in 2 years and my brain is like hey. We got a lot of thinking to do so here you go. My current fixation as I sit on the bed telling myself to clean and wash my damn sheets im covered in.

——-

Me: I just feel so ugly

Him: you are beautiful and good. You just have one defect and you know what it is. (I’m kind of a ho who lies when I think imma be in trouble😩)

Me: you too. You are handsome and good. You just have one defect and you know what it is. (He’s insecure and jealous)

Him: do you want to marry me?

Me: yes

Him: ok good

Me: ok…😍😂 wtf, Alej

———

I think we are both broken children just trying to make it through life and it’s sad and ugly sometimes. But a lot of times it’s really passionate and beautiful.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. This isn’t new news. We’ve talked about marriage before. I’m there. He’s there. I have a ring. he called it a pre engagement ring. And I’m like so a promise ring? And he’s like no. PRE! Lol. but it’s NOT an engagement ring. I don’t care but he does.

Speaking of. He’s more traditional than I’m willing to ever be again. I will never cook every single night. I will never commit to do things like that on a forever basis again. Sometimes I’m scared he will be disappointed in that. But I haven’t faked it these past 2 years. He’s gotta know exactly what he’s getting with me.

It’s just challenging because he’s an immigrant who still has a wife in Mexico. They married super young. they’ve been separated 25 years. She lives with her ‘fiance’/boyfriend etc. but she refuses to sign the divorce papers. Every few months she dangles signing the divorce papers in front of him, asks for money, he pays her, she disappears til the next time she needs money. Currently she’s saying she will sign the papers and he’s just done being used. I keep thinking maybe she means it this time. But he knows her better. He wants to go back to Mexico to sort it out but *I* don’t want him to bc it’s so fucking dangerous coming back. He’s got 3 kids and his mom here. Please don’t leave me to care for them all if you die. Lands alive.

That’s another obstacle. The mom doesn’t want to live with me. SAME😳 but I’d at least attempt it for the good of the whole family. She said absolutely not. He said absolutely not. She wants/needs her own place when me and him get married. Have you seen rent now a days? How will we afford a place for 5 kids, and then at least 2 bedrooms for her? (For when she has his girls). Lol. He doesn’t seem concerned about this part, but I am.

I have an evil ex who put in the child custody agreement that I’m not allowed to live with a significant other unless we are married 🙄bc yes let’s do this again. otherwise I wouldn’t care so much. Like we are two years in. I’d rather just live together. Test the waters. and fuck marriage prior to that just bc of how bad it’s been in my history. But I do see myself being with him forever. So it’s fine. Whatever. Except we can’t bc his ‘ex’. Brah

I just feel chatty and already talked his ear off🙈

I texted every girlfriend I know and they’ve all stopped responding bc I’m talking too much. Send help

#Mexican #Mexicano #marrying an immigrant

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