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#'the kens have brainwashed the barbies!' actually made no sense like tell me how they did that greta???
quillkiller · 9 months
Note
i liked a lot of barbie but…so on the nose. and obv it’s the barbie movie so it won’t be as nuanced as some other ones but like, cmon. the reason everyone is obsessed with ken is that his brainwashing makes sense. barbie’s arc is so much less well thought out
idk if i agree that it couldn’t be ’more nuanced’ because it’s greta gerwig and i’ve seen all her other work. if anyone could do it it’s her
it’s not like i expected barbie to end patriarchy obviously but i just thought it would do one single radical thing.
these are a few things that would’ve made it more nuanced by just not adding them in the film (and by removing it, making it more nuanced):
1. glorias husband existed solely for the reason to say that gloria was heterosexual (i don’t think i’d be this disappointed if he just. didnt exist and barbie was in the front seat at the end of the film, leaving the audience to interpret on their own what kind of family dynamic the three of them had created/therefor challenging the nuclear family).
he shouldn’t have existed, served no purpose other than to ensure the hetero norm and the nuclear family
2. glorias monologue was also tired and repeated and just done before and i wanted more. it didn’t cover anything that hasn’t been covered before and it just left me feeling sad and disappointed. if its a film based on feminism and patriarchy, go all the way or atleast do something new
3. gloria even told barbie that she shouldn’t apologize to ken, reminding barbie that he brainwashed the barbies and tried to overthrow the government. and then she still did? she still had to fight him trying to kiss her while still also apologizing? while still doing the emotional labour for him as women do for men. she shouldn’t have apologized like. just not apologizing would’ve made it more nuanced/radical
4. ’one day the kens will have the same power in barbieland just like women in the real world!’ and for what? they brainwashed, took advantage of women and tried to overthrow the government. women in the real world have never tried to do that / and if i so much as tell a man that i think women deserve rights im being a boring feminist ruining the mood. im certainly not being rewarded for it.
they shouldve removed that line, instead of ending the film in mens favor and patting them on the back
by not adding these lines, plots or characters the film would’ve been much more nunced in my opinuon so its not a question on how it ”should’ve done more” bc doing more in this case just ruined it
how is this film going to spread an ”anti patriarchal message” if it literally told the kens / men that ’oh it’s ok don’t even worry about it and actually i’m sorry. women shouldn’t hold you responsible at all❤️’
so to me it’s not that the film should’ve done more, it’s more that it should’ve done less and not be so scared of hurting mens feelings
i had the time of my life watching it with my dyke best friend and laughing so much it hurt our stomachs!! and i’m so glad i got to see it in the theatres. the disappointment just keeps washing over me more and more the longer its been since ive seen it. i love greta gerwig and all her work and i don’t hate barbie. i just wanted more and i feel let down
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plush-anon · 3 years
Text
SCOOB! Stream of Consciousness Review
Here we are folks - I finally review the originally cinematic, fully CGI animated Scooby Doo Movie (one year later... I did not queue this as I thought I had last June - damn you, Tumblr. I’m not changing much here, so enjoy as it was intended).
Created by a team who have professed their affection for this mystery team and their meddling dog too, will this be a lush experience fit to satisfy any Hanna-Barbera fan? Or will it be a hot garbage cash-grab, littered with Easter eggs and references that do nothing to hide a meatless mess of outdated memes and shallow character development?
LET’S
FIND
OUT
Below this cut is my entire stream-of-consciousness review on the SCOOB! Movie, as experienced. SPOILER warning here - I’m digging into everything, no plot points spared. 
Here we go~
And we start off with a decent shot of the California coastline (looks like the kids backstory is front and center), some 90s hip-hop synthwave song about California, and OH SWEET JESUS THESE MODELS LOOK TERRIBLE
Ahem
Yeah, this is a problem right off the bat - some of these people in the opening shots look remarkably unfinished - think three shades above “Rapsittie Kids: Believe in Santa” level - and the animation on them is less than stellar. 
On the plus side, we do see a fantastic variety of ages, sizes, and races - there’s a brief blink-and-you’ll-miss-it Sikh man on roller skates playing a sitar - but when the designs look rushed in the opening shots, it’s not a fantastic sign. At least they’re brief, but it’s hard to see if this is a lower level of the film’s style due to rushed animation, or if they didn’t care to polish it up as much, given that it’s maybe a 30 second scene. 
Still, kudos to actually going for variety in the crowd shots. Minus kudos to making most of the clothes look like Play-doh draped over a Barbie doll. I’m not even kidding on that one, the clothes are super basic and barely have any sign of texture or creasing or even fabric/cut variety. Almost reminds me of the first Toy Story movie’s design for human clothes, yeesh. 
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Ahh, our first introduction to Scooby Doo at a Greek gyro food stand. That’s foreshadowing right there folks! 😉
Sadly, he is really weirdly animated in his run sequence - he looks out of proportion as he’s running on his hind legs, and the human animation has really bad consistency - some background characters are really janky, while others actually move really nicely. The characters we immediately focus on seem to be pretty smooth at least, but that’s still very strange.
On a side note: Ruby and Spears Sub Sandwich shop. Nice 😁
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They are reaaaally pushing the super over-the-top dramatic music for a bike cop chasing a dog that stole gyro meat
Why
It’s not even interesting chase music, just generic super-hyped-up chase music
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And now we finally get to see a young Shaggy, standing next to a tie-dye food stand called Casey’s Confections that… sells meat. Hm. Guess WB hasn’t learned after all these years 🙄
Unfortunately, I’m not a huge fan of the kid they got to play him, Iain Armitage. He’s not a bad voice actor by any means, but he just doesn’t sound right for Shaggy. I know that as a kid he’d be much less likely to have a cracking/squeaky voice, but he sounds… it’s hard to pin down a word, but - precocious? Darling? Either way it doesn’t quite match, especially given how Shaggy sounds when he grows up via Will Forte. Just… no connection there. 
I tie it down to the particular vocal twangs and nuances the gang usually has. I’ll touch base on that note later I think, once we hit the teenage versions of the gang, but for now I’m just not feeling it. 
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On the one hand, I empathize deeply with Shaggy and his Spotify’s unsettling ability to pinpoint his insecurities with song choices, and also deeply enjoy that one small gesture where his fingers kind of shake & tighten around his phone while he takes a deep breath to calm himself- it’s a very nice, subtle sign of frustration
On the other hand we just passed two guys with no nipples and an unerring likeness to a Ken doll in those Barbie movies, so I’m distracted by that now
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(between this and Fred’s no-nipples in Happy Halloween SD!, is WB just terrified of giving men nipples in animated movies now? what gives?)
Also distracted by the thrifty lesbians who bought those two shirts that come together to make a heart in the middle, on the store’s 2 for 1 day
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happy pride y’all!
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Finally got context for the two sand piles!
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Very, very sad context, but still! Progress!
Basically Shaggy’s practicing talking to people in order to learn how to make friends, since he either has no idea how, or has never had a friend before. So he’s trying to learn the right way to do it since his own attempts have failed
And him talking to these sand piles not only counts as practice, but he’s using them so that his mom thinks he’s spending time with friends like he told her
Ow :)
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So ketchup leather is apparently a thing that exists
I’m learning so much today!
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Given that Shaggy has no friends at this stage, but he’s still called Shaggy, I’m kind of wondering if that was a mean nickname that everyone called him, but he was just grateful for the interaction/pretended it was from friends, so he kept it 🤔
Actually, take it back, his mother is calling him that. Family nickname, maybe…?
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Shaggy has Blue Falcon (classic) and Dynomutt funko pops
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noice
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Oof, you can reaaaaally hear the age in Frank Welker’s Scooby voice. Can we get Scott Innes back? He sounds almost identical to his performance 20+ years ago :/
Also talking waaaay too much - even SDMI Scooby wasn’t this wordy, and he NEVER shut the hell up 
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Okay wait
So Shaggy met Scooby on Halloween day - then met the rest of the gang hours later?
Huh. And here I was thinking it would have been a few weeks minimum 
Although I have to say there is a lot here to work with, if it paces out how I think it does
Shaggy meets Scooby. Bare hours later, he buys him a collar (instead of his mom? weird) and asks him to stay with him, despite not really knowing him. Then, only a couple hours after that, he finally makes some friends… but only when Scooby is with him. 
Given that it looks like the gang are all around the same age in the same neighborhood, there’s a solid chance that they’ve taken classes together at the same school. If none of them met/knew/made friends with Shaggy then, but only did so AFTER Scooby came into the picture, that might lead to the argument we know about later when they split up; afterwards, S&SD go to the bowling alley, then get abducted by the Blue Falcon, plot continues. This could make it seem like they were only friends with him at the start because he had a dog. 
And the brief scene earlier with the music device shows that he tries to tamp down on his anger/doesn’t really address it - could lead to something more later 
hmmmm 🤔
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Wait what
These two kid bullies just came out of nowhere, stole Shaggy’s candy… and then started on about how Halloween is only a marketing ploy to get companies to rot your teeth and go to the dentist more, before throwing the bag through a window and telling the two that ‘your blood sugar will thank us for it!’
Are - are these the brainwashed children of a Karen? Is that what I’m seeing?
I mean we could have had a Red Herring cameo, but apparently informing children about candy conspiracy theories is more important :/
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Daphne: It’s Halloween - no one should go home without their candy
FD&V: *none of them have candy/candy bags*
???????
(Wouldn’t it make more sense if the bullies had stolen their candy too? What the hey man)
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I do find it neat that we actually get to SEE the wires the ‘ghost’ uses to fly in full effect - that’s actually pretty cool, and not really something we get to see up close in older Scooby shows. Most of those just have the bad guy randomly flying about, and the wires revealed after the fact 
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Actually, given how FD&V react to this ghost almost immediately… have they already been solving mysteries? It seems like it, given how smoothly they move together to capture him
That’s kind of odd in kids. Like, even in PNSD they weren’t perfectly in-sync on stuff
This then leads to the gang solving mysteries together… in spite of the fact that all Shag and Scoob did was hide in the wardrobe that had the stolen goods, while FD&V captured the dude 
Granted, they do ask Shag and Scoob if they wanna join in and say yes, but that seems like an strange jump after what could have been a one-time deal
I just find that a touch odd - esp when they could have had a five minute scene or so of them wandering around the house, touching on some old SDWAY traits. Heck, show that they’re SCARED in some way, and don’t immediately move to tackle what looks like a murderous spirit at age 8-9 or so. Even just showing the kids learning about each other would be enough, but what do I know. I’ve only watched Scooby Doo everything since I was 4 🙄
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Ahhhh, and now for the updated rendition of the theme song
Where they’re all still kids doing everything the teenage gang did in the theme song
It doesn’t look as good as the OG, though - kind of like a computer game simulating the SDWAY intro using the PNSD kids in CGI. It’s honestly strange to see, and a little jarring - especially when we then transition to the older teenage gang right in the middle
Like, we don’t get to see you guys age through the song as you’re chased by/catch different monsters? That could have been pretty neat honestly - shows how long they’ve been doing this
Tho I gotta admit, seeing the Spooky Space Kook with his OG sound effects is pretty awesome, brief as it waoH MY GOD FRED WHY ARE YOU HAVING A ROMANTIC BEACHSIDE DATE WITH THE MYSTERY MACHINE 
THAT WASN’T IN THE ORIGINAL AND NO ONE ELSE GETS A CHARACTER INSIGHT SHOT LIKE THIS
WHY
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Huh, looks like Ruby & Spears gave up their subway sandwich shop for a coffee shop
That apparently the gang goes to in order to eat malt shop food
okay?
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Ah, and here’s where we finally look at the voice acting of the older teenage gang. Buckle up folks, cause I gotta lot to say
We’ll start with Fred, bc honestly? I think Efron actually fits him pretty dang well. He’s got a different cadence from Welker, true, but as far as an update goes? I think he’s a solid fit. Very much in line with the all-American kid that Fred’s kind of been slated as for the past 50 years or so, but updated more for the modern perspective. I call it solid (and possibly a replacement for whenever Welker decides to retire). 
Next? Oof. Velma is, IMHO, the weakest casting. Velma, no matter her voice actress, has ALWAYS had some form of nasal twang to her voice - that’s part of what makes her Velma to begin with, and helps her stand out. Nicole Jaffe, Pat Stevens, BJ Ward, Christina Lange (PNSD), Mindy Cohn, Kate Micucci, Linda Cardellini -heck, even Haley Kiyoko from ‘The Mystery Begins’ and Sarah Gilman from the ‘Daphne and Velma’ movie understood this! They all had that nasal twang to their voice - differing between actresses, of course, but still recognizable as Velma. Gina Rodriguez though? Honestly, it just sounds like she’s acting it straight. Not bad acting at all, by any means - she just doesn’t sound like Velma, and doesn’t seem to be trying to. (Honestly wondering if she was only hired bc she voices Carmen Sandiego in the reboot cartoon for the lolz fun reference! type connection) 
Daphne is sort of similar in voices, but hers is more of a pitch her voice hits - Heather North, Mary Kay Bergman, and Grey Delisle Griffin all have that pitch they hit naturally when speaking. Amanda Seyfried? Does not - in fact, her voice is actually deeper than I was expecting - but it’s not quite as big a difference as it is for Velma. It fits her character type okay, and she does well with it overall.  
And finally, the most controversial one: Will Forte’s Shaggy. 
I’ll go ahead and say this: he’s not Scott Menville levels of bad Shaggy voice acting. If I were to place him on a list, I’d probably put him around Billy West level - kind of sounds similar via vocal tics (voice cracking, likes and zoinks, etc), but his own voice just overtakes the impression he’s seeking to hit. When I hear him speak, I don’t really hear Shaggy; I just hear Will Forte trying to do an impression of Shaggy. 
In comparison: when Scott Innes took over for Shaggy, it was like Casey Kasem’s, just a touch more of a twang to his voice and just a dash over-the-top - but it was still Shaggy, and you didn’t doubt that for a minute.
Same thing for Lillard, but maybe moreso - he was pretty much the most perfect casting for a live-action Shaggy there could be at the time Scooby Doo (2002) was made. Him taking over for Kasem from there made perfect sense: he was honestly the best cast Mystery Inc member of the live-actions, and a lot more recognizable to the general public as Shaggy than Scott Innes was. He could also do different emotions with Shaggy that not a lot of the other voice actors had the chance to do (mainly bc script), so for future stuff they have that flexibility, if they wanted to play around a little more. 
With any luck Forte will get better over the course of the movie, but honestly the casting could have been so much better with Matt Lillard and Kate Micucci. 
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Shaggy Rogers, evading taxes since 2020
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siMON COWELL??!? 
WHAT THE
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WHY?!?!?
ALSO HIS CHARACTER DESIGN STYLE IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF THE GANG WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON?!!?
IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SD CELEBRITY CAMEO
LIKE
IF YOU WERE GOING TO DO A CAMEO FROM AMERICAN IDOL WHY NOT RYAN SEACREST 
HE TOOK OVER FOR CASEY KASEM ON THE AMERICAN TOP 40 WOULDN’T THAT MAKE MORE SENSE
aaauuuggghhh
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Also he’s there as a potential investor in Mystery Inc as a detective agency
A music industry professional… is interested in funding a detective agency.
Like… did he miss out on Josie & the Pussycats? Is that why he’s here?
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Wait a minute
Oh noooooo
I know why he’s here
I remember this spoiler
Shit
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And once again, here is your reminder to tell Simon Cowell a great big fcuk you
Only this time it’s for making Shaggy and Scooby feel worthless and saying that friendship is worthless and cannot be counted on for anything worthwhile
Simon Cowell: Professional Dickhead
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Welp, at least this gives a solid reason why they leave: Simon Cowell was being a professional dickhead, and the gang didn’t really say anything against him or interrupt him on his whole ‘Shag and Scoob are worthless spiel’
Or, well... Daphne stepped up some, but more to say ‘they’re our friends!’ rather than ‘that’s entirely wrong, our friends aren’t worthless!’ Better than nothing, but yeesh
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Ahhh, Takamoto Bowling - the emptiest bowling alley in the evenings this side of Coolsville 
(no seriously, the past few times my dad has taken my sister and me bowling pre-pandemic, no matter the day or time? it’s ALWAYS got more than 6 lanes of people there, what the heck)
Also Scooby wears three bowling shoes, which honestly makes more sense than I thought it would - that pup goes spinning and sliding every which way on a normal floor, bowling alley floors would be like ten times worse
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here’s a nice little detail - when Scooby sees one of the bowling pins peek out with red eyes and he yells that to Shaggy, Shaggy actually squints and walks closer to see if it actually does have eyes
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aww
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Huh, okay 
Panicked Will Forte Shaggy actually sounds more like a good Shaggy voice than normal talking Will Forte Shaggy
I can dig it
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Still kind of underwhelmed by the Shag and Scoob disguise scene - wouldn’t it make more sense to have them like, dish up hot sauce or something on a plate that nonsensically makes the robots overheat before they discover their ruse?
Idk, maybe they’re off their game after Simon ‘Dickhead’ Cowell
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Carlton Way - must be named after Fred’s only other voice actor, Carlton Stevens of PNSD
Also Hanna’s Barber Shop is next to Barbera’s Pizza! Cute.
And… Pitstop’s Pink Perfume ad. Wait, who is that? *assorted googling noises*
...ahhh, Penelope Pitstop from Wacky Races! Who, according to Wikipedia, was revealed to have Greek ancestry in the 2016 Wacky Raceland comic book, having been born on the island of Aegina
Now I’m wondering if we’ll see her in this too, given Cerberus...
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Honestly kind of fascinating to see the gang with a police radio in their van
Also fascinating to see that only main characters are allowed clothing variety and texture/creases/folds
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it’s actually really sweet to see Fred, upon hearing that Shag and Scoob are likely in danger, immediately makes a 90 degree turn in traffic
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It looks like they changes Dee Dee’s name a hair - now it’s Dee Dee Skyes, instead of Sykes
It works well for the Falcon aesthetic, so that’s cool
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Shaggy, after Dee Dee tells them that Dastardly’s trying to kill them: Scoob, someone thinks we’re important enough to *mimes slitting throat*!
Scooby: It’s nice to be wanted.
Excellent! This movie has captured Shag and Scoob’s blasé attitude towards death! Now we’re onto a solid Scooby film :D
Dee Dee: Hmm, I hear that!
And they even have a friend to share in their attitude! Splendid!
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Christ, I can work photoshop better than Blue Falcon can, and I don’t even know how to use photoshop
I will give major kudos on his costume tho - it maintains the important elements of the OG Falcon, while still updating it with more bird-related aesthetic, like the feathered appearance of parts of his costume, the split cape resembling the tail feathers, and the talon gauntlets & boots. neat!
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Yooo, Dynomutt, I thought secret identities were still a thing with Superheroes, what the hey are you doing giving it out to a duo you literally just picked up behind a bowling alley
Ngl, I’m kinda hoping we get some scenes where Dynomutt messes up a little like in the OG cartoon - this one feels really serious, which is kind of strange
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Okay now I want to see older!Blue Falcon come in for a cameo
Mainly bc I’m getting the feeling that this one is a major dumbass, and not in the fun and friendly himbo kind of way 😑
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Wait, THAT’S our first look at Dastardly? That’s a bit abrupt, isn’t it?
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Also his ship must be pumping thousands of gallons of toxins into the air, that smoke cloud looks hideous. Forget logging into his mom’s Netflix account like the trailer said, EPA should probably be hunting him for sport with a laser cannon, jesus fcuking christ
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Honestly kinda want a plane you can pilot like a motorbike now
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Welp, it looks like we have a fun, mustache-twirly, puns-aplenty, loves-to-be-bad kind of villain on our hands folks! This is gonna be FUN AS HECK
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Eurgh, this scene - the super-stiff-but-stretched-out ‘yeeurgh’ faces really squick me for some reason, but I can’t really pinpoint why
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I have decided I highly dislike the Brian Blue Falcon, or Brian Falcon for short, and would like to see Dastardly tie him to some railroad tracks
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North St for Heather North, and… wait… Funland Carnival? Like where Charlie the Robot hung out?
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Apparently that’s in Romania.
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A very yellow-greenfilter Romania at that.
 Like, I’ve seen blue washes on movies trying to portray evening in the middle of the day so they don’t actually have to shoot at night, but yellow? That’s normally used for deserts and hot days and uhhh 
NOT for evenings in a country with landscape like THIS
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odd
(I mean I guess they got the mountains and trees right, but still. Yellow filters make a place look arid, which Romania is Not, to my knowledge)
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Dude, Brian Falcon is such an idiot even Shaggy and Scooby, commonly portrayed as the idiots of Mystery Inc, look at him like he’s a moron.
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(They are Not Amused.)
Also Brian Falcon is an absolute coward. That’s new. Even Shaggy and Scooby face off against the robots directly in a Whack-a-Mole game and destroy some. Dude, get your head in the fcuking game already, yikes
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Woah, Laff-a-Lympics, Wacky Races, Hex Girls, The Banana Splits, Penelope Pitstop, Space Stars, Posse Impossible, and Hong Kong Phooey easter eggs in one shot
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Geezus
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Another nice moment: when cornered by Dastardly, Shaggy moves to stand in front of Scooby to protect him
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Dastardly (to Shaggy): I don’t care about YOU. You’re not REMOTELY important!
*proceeds to shoot Shaggy THROUGH the ceiling and up into the highest car on a Ferris Wheel where Brian Falcon is hiding like a man baby*
Welp, so much for a fun and zany villain. Time for this Plush Anon to kill a bitch *cocks shotgun*
I will, too - kudos to the animators for hurting me so badly with the face Shaggy made right before being shot because
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OW
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Ehehehhehe, yess, the infamous ‘Dick’ scene
Dastardly: No, I’m a DICK. With a D!
You sure are, you sack of dildos with a D!
This scene had to be put in on purpose - if this had been released in theaters, I just know the adults would be dying in laughter 🤣🤣🤣
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Shaggy: Brian, do something! 
Brian Falcon: Like what?
Shaggy: Like, drop some F-Bombs!
love it 😂
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Is it like movie law now, that if there’s an action scene with a Ferris Wheel in the background, it has to fall off and roll down a mild incline like a wheel? Because it kinda feels like it
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Aha! Dastardly said his drats! Perfection.
Now to shoot him through a ceiling to make them matter even more :D
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OOF. 
Well that hurt. 
Poor Shaggy - basically internalizing now that he’s the worthless one and weak link of the group now that Scooby is considered more important
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Holy fcuk I’m crying
Shaggy just broke Brian Falcon down to his deepest insecurities without even trying while talking to him
He even used the words ‘imposter syndrome’ 
Shaggy hon, you’re the best
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Oh hey, Fred, Daphne, and Velma! It’s been a while since we saw you guys again, what are you doing?
Arguing about the metric system and realizing that Shaggy and Scooby reminding them to eat periodically helped them keep a clearer head...
And using the word ‘hangry’.
But then looking through a ridiculously cute photo album of the two and a video the gang took together (the video is honestly really heckin’ cute, 10000/10 would recommend)...
And then getting pulled over so Fred can have a brief ‘oo-la-la’ montage about the pretty blonde cop who honest-to-gods looks like a Barbie doll.
Where Daphne then describes how ugly Dastardly is...
Right before the petite blonde cop who’s maybe like 5’7” at best rips off her outfit to reveal it was Dick Dastardly this entire time, all 7ish feet of him.
And then kidnaps them all along with the Mystery Machine while he makes terribly fun dorky puns
...SO BACK TO SCOOBY AND SHAGGY...
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...where Scooby is making kissy faces in the mirror while wearing his Blue Falcon uniform
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Hrm, that’s not really better is it
We actually see Shaggy reading (OG) Blue Falcon’s autobiography, and making hurt but snide comments about Scooby’s ego
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Which are actually pretty clever tbh
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Cooooooongratulations, Fred Jones! You are now officially a full-on himbo!
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Alas, poor Daphne. While your knowledge of the tropes of your show might have served you well in other places, this was to be a theatrical release once upon a time, and so such knowledge falls to ruin.
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You know, I just realized - we’re never really told HOW the Cerberus skulls work, both in how each skull can be used to find the others,  and, presumably, in releasing Cerberus itself. We’re given a brief glance-over of Scooby’s ancestry (and I mean REALLY damn brief), and a quick mention that these are supposed to be Cerberus’ skulls being stolen, but… that’s it. Nothing else is given. 
Now, I read the first few chapters of my SCOOB! Junior Novelization, and it actually went into further detail about the skulls themselves and what Dastardly’s initial plan was early in the book - open the gates of Hades and obtain the seas of treasure therein. It acted as an introduction both to the climatic endgame we’ll face at the end of the movie, and to Dastardly, who uses the same disguise trick he used as the Barbie cop when he stole the first one in South America. 
(They actually DID plan to use this as Dastardly’s intro, but cut this… 3 minute scene for time. Yeah. See below video for the details - honestly think they should have kept it in. Saves time later and definitely more show than tell, compared to what we got)
youtube
I feel like that would be a better introduction to him than the one we got - hell, it would have fit in quite neatly after the revamped theme song montage. They could have the scene with Dastardly finding/stealing the first skull as an introduction (as above), then have him answer a call or something. Exposit openly “You found the key! Excellent! Now where are we going next?” 
THEN cut to the diner/coffee shop scene we had earlier. We still wouldn’t know exactly what the key was/entailed off the bat, and they could still have FD&V find out on their own - maybe by hacking the little robot instead? IDK.
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The final skull is on Messick Mountain.
Cute.
On a side note, I do love how Dastardly’s ship interior looks - very dieselpunk
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Velma just hacked into Dynomutt… somehow, and I finally get my wacky Dynomutt shenanigans!  Hazoo!
...sadly that was really dang brief. Realistic, yes, but still too brief. 
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Eyyyy, we finally get the whys of why Scooby is needed! … really dang fast. 
Also Fred says Jinkies. 
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Hey, Muttley popped up! In a shrine… to his demise… that we find out he reached when Dastardly pushed him forward into the Underworld to steal the treasure of Alexander the Great in a portal he rigged up… only for both of them to find out it was a one-way deal unless they used the key to be able to come back. The key, of course, being Scooby Doo, descendent of Peritas, Alexander’s dog. 
Eh, workable enough-ish. It’s interesting to see that Dastardly, despite how much he disliked Muttley in the older cartoons, still cares about him to a certain extent. 
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Pfff, Fred’s a poor man’s Hemsworth XD
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Sweet, we’re in ‘Journey to the Center of the Earth’ now!
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Um
O W W W
You guys really had to do the ‘me or them’ thing with Shaggy and Scooby… and tHeN hAvE sCoObY cHoOsE tHe FaLcONs?!? Just because they said he was important as “the key” and gave him a spandex costume.
Over at least 7 years of friendship. 
Booooooooooooo
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actually no I’m Not Done Yet
This whole scene is a mess.
Like
Shaggy’s turn was really dang fast… but I can still see how he gets to it. It’s at least a day between Scooby being chosen as a pseudo-sidekick and the island arrival, during which Shaggy’s talk with the main adult (who has taken up the mantle of his favorite superhero) essentially confirms his feelings of worthlessness and leaves him to stew for HOURS on end (on top of another adult, Dastardly, who also calls him “not even REMOTELY important” at the carnival before freaKING SHOOTING HIM THROUGH THE CEILING NO I AM NOT OVER THIS). Tie that to a teenager who also believes his only friends have come to think he’s meaningless baggage, and suddenly his entire support system is vanishing underneath him to one of his former idols without ANY sign of hesitation from Scooby’s part (with the exception of the collar scene, but I don’t think that that means the same to Scooby, given how quickly he bounces back)
Scooby tho… hrm. It could be that he’s clinging to the good feelings Brian Falcon inspires in him (by choosing him as the next possible Dynomutt), as a way to overpower how FD&V hurt him, while also building on how he came to love the duo because SHAGGY loved them so much. But the movie doesn’t frame that up… at all?? At least compared to Shaggy. 
Idk, maybe I’m missing something, but this scene is a mess through and through
Boooooo
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Scooby: *tries to leap into Brian Falcon’s arms like he did with Shaggy but falls*
Brian: Uh, what are you doing?
Scooby: Rhaggy never missed. 
Damn straight he didn’t
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oh hey, it’s Captain Caveman
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I was wondering when we’d see him.
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AAAUUGGHH
It’s that blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scene from the trailers I sobbed over - the one with Shaggy holding Scooby’s collar
Fun fact it actuALLY FADES INTO THE FLASHBACK
THAT WAS NOT A TRAILER THING THAT’S ACTUALLY HERE IN THE MOVIE
OW
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Oh No
Fred is here, alone, after that whole scene with Dastardly saying he had a use for Fred
...while that’s likely Dastardly in a Fred suit (that sounds creepy just typing it), I’m still going to enjoy this brief but absolutely lovely hug Shaggy and Fred share...
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(seriously tho, look at this, it’s a genuinely close, squish-your-lungs-out kind of hug, I love it)
...as well as Shaggy, who's still hurt from his fight with Scooby, immediately gearing up to go help him after hearing Dastardly’s trying to kidnap him.
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Brian Falcon and Scooby Doo now have to take on Captain Caveman in gladiatorial combat in order to claim the final skull of Cerberus
I love cartoons sometimes
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Captain Caveman just put the smackdown on Brian Falcon and punched him into the ground up to his CHEST
Then smacked him so far into a wall he cracked the stone around him!
GodDAMN is this satisfying 😆 altho minor question here: how did he gain the rank of Captain? Do cavepeople have a naval force?
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He just whirled Scooby around his head, then spun him so fast his costume broke off
I may have to look into some Captain Caveman stuff now, that’s fantastic
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Shaggy and Fred - sorry, “Fred” -  just smashed through to the colosseum in the Mystery Machine
And Dynomutt just fired missiles at Captain Caveman to smash him into an Amigara-shaped hole of himself
I REALLY love cartoons sometimes
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Oh No
Just as Shaggy starts trying to apologize, “Fred” kicks him in the back, rips off his disguise to normal Dastardly self, and kidnaps Scooby atop the skull, before revealing he destroyed the Falcon Fury jet
New tagline for this movie? Shaggy Rogers and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day
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...at least the rest of the gang is back together?
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Brian Falcon: *Immediately tries to blame Shaggy for inadvertently leading Dastardly to them, while storming up to get in his face*
Fred: *upon realizing BrianF is blaming Shaggy for everything, without a SINGLE moment’s hesitation, immediately leaps in to defend Shaggy and physically push back Brian Falcon several feet*
We stan one Himbo, theydies and gentlethem
Also?
Velma (sneering): What kind of hero blames other people for his problems? *Walks over to comfort Shaggy with Daphne, while Shaggy looks dumbfounded they’re defending him bc he also blames himself for Scooby’s kidnapping*
This. This right here, is the kind of Mystery gang content I wanna see.
I don’t care how the rest of this movie goes now, this scene right here is ambrosia to the Scooby fan’s soul, and therefore makes this entire movie worth it, outdated memes, lingo, and all
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Cackling rn - Fred and Brian Falcon are in a point-off a la the Spiderman meme 😂
or, more specifically, the post-credits sequence of Spiderverse where they’re arguing about who started pointing first
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It gets better when Velma and Daphne try to pull each other off of their pushing fight, and Velma grumbles “Toxic Masculinity” I’m crying
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WOAH
More super Shaggy stuff here (apart from being flung through a building roof without a scratch) - he pushes apart both groups effortless, and even knocks them back several feet
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If we estimate Dynomutt as… we’ll say 450 since he’s made of metal, Falcon at 220, Dee Dee at 160, that’s about 830 lbs on one side
Then Fred, Daphne and Velma on the other (hmm, 180, 150, 130?) would be around 460 lbs
Dang boi
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Oh honey no, it’s not your fault
But dang if he didn’t get a good message from it, one I’ve done my best to transcribe here:
“I was afraid that... things were gonna change. And they did change. But like, that’s okay! People can grow. But it doesn’t mean that we’re growing apart. Because the one thing that will never change is that Scooby Doo is my best friend! Ten years ago, a little boy made a promise to a stray puppy that he’d never leave him no matter what. And I’m gonna keep that promise! Now it’s time we stopped that mustachioed menace from opening the gates to the {underworld} and letting loose that fearsome {Cerberus}. So what do you say we get out {of here}, and go get my always-snacking, never-lacking, often-napping dog back? Who’s with me?”
Honestly not a bad message for kids. Things will change, people will change, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends. (Obvs real life exceptions apply, but that’s not a bad note honestly)
...shame that that conclusion comes right the FUCK outta nowhere
Like
How, exactly, did he come to this conclusion? WHEN? What inspired him to realize this, what was the impetus for this specific line of thought, that it’s okay for friends to change?
It kinda feels like this should have been either the happy ending speech given after they’ve saved the world, or one at the start of the third act, like if Shaggy arrives when Scooby thinks he’s chased him away and ruined everything, and Shaggy & the gang still save him. And Scooby asks him why he did that - when Scooby tried to change himself to fit what Brian Falcon wanted, instead of treasuring the friend he still had, or maybe why Shaggy reacted the way he did. THEN Shaggy gives the speech we hear, a la:
“I yelled at you because… like, because I was scared. I was scared that... things were gonna change. And they did change. But like, that’s okay! People can grow. But it doesn’t mean that we’re growing apart. Because the one thing that will never change is that YOU’RE my best friend! Ten years ago, a little boy made a promise to a stray puppy that he’d never leave him no matter what. And I mean to keep it!” 
At least that would make a little more sense to me. Again, not a bad speech, but a little rearranging would help to really hit home. 
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Okay, now we’re back with Dastardly in Greece, and suddenly the background people all look MILES better than the ones at the start of the movie. Did they just forget to polish the first two minutes of film, what the heck?
Also, Dastardly’s ship is literally the entire length of the Greek ruins presented o_O
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HOLY SHIT THE SKULLS TURNED BACK TIME AND MADE THE RUINS INTO AN ENTIRELY RESTORED PALACE WITH THE GATES OF THE UNDERWORLD BEFORE THEM
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They’re also colored a very atmospheric neon arrangement that’s surprisingly quite tasteful ^.^
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The Mystery Machine can fly now!!! eeheeheeeheeheeheeheeee
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And so we finally see Cerberus, a massive, towering figure with sharp teeth and pffffffhahahhahaa why are all three heads wearing Spartan helmets
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To its credit, they’re also wearing basic body armor, wrist guards, tail spikes, etc, but the helmets are killing me 🤣 who thought to stick that onto the dog? Did Hades forget to remove the armor after winning the Gods’ Pet Costume Contest, or was it like that horse in the ATV costume - it felt safer so it didn’t let anyone take it off?
Or was this a precaution against Herakles coming back? These are questions - hilarious, hilarious questions 😁
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Awww. Scooby immediately runs to the battered Mystery Machine to rip the doors open for the gang!
And… wait. THIS is where that wonderful hug was in the trailers? I thought that was at the end of the movie when everyone was safe!
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This now does not bode well. But we’ll worry about that later. Time to enjoy this gorgeous wonderful hug of the entire gang, and Shag and Scoob apologizing to each other for fighting 🥰
Yet another scene to make the rest of this movie worth the rest
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(halfway wanna frame this shit and put it on the wall, it’s that lovely)
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Fantastic! Dastardly is now in Hell, where I’ve been wishing him this entire movie! :D
And dang… he actually apologizes to what he believes is a dead Muttley. Who is, naturally, snickering at all of this. The two bicker predictably, but eventually hug and make up, too happy to see each other to resort to old habits. Honestly a nice little scene, all-in-all. 
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Back to the gang and they’re doing the glowy eyes in the dark bit! I actually haven’t seen that in a Scooby movie forever, it’s neat.
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Also Fred is now going full Liam Neeson over his van, war paint and all, using the tire cover as a shield and… holy shit. 
HOLY SHIT
THE ASCOT IS BAAAnnnnnd it’s gone. Boy, that was… short. 
Fred just ran full-tilt at Cerberus, screaming like a mad man, before getting flicked away by its big toe, and losing the ascot and makeshift shield. It punched so hard his facepaint came off
It was fun while it lasted y’all
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Heyyy, Shag and Scoob just came up with the plan, and it’s actually solid! I’m so proud, and so is the rest of the gang! Also willingly going to distract Cerberus while the rest figure out how to close the gate and stuff Cerberus back in
I love my boys 😊
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Annnnd there goes Brian Falcon like the coward he is
To… call his dad? And admit he isn’t a hero.
Only for Dynomutt to point out Shaggy and Scooby are taking him on and are terrified. 
This then cuts to Shaggy and Scooby running around in a chariot and gladiator wear, running back and forth a la the door gag from Cerberus to the OG SDWAY theme
I think I love this movie
(although they’re hinting at Dynomutt being resentful of OG Blue Falcon essentially abandoning him to his incompetent son, and I really wish it had been touched upon more
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that’s actually rather heartbreaking, when you stop to think about it, and there’s a lot that could be done with an additional two minutes of screentime) 
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Huh, another good message for kids: it’s okay to fail and be scared, so long as you keep going and try to do what’s right.
Two good messages for kids in one movie. Not too shabby, on the whole. 
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Brian Falcon just flew in and punched the three-headed dog, then jumped into its mouth as it tried to eat Scooby, resisted the MASSIVE JAW STRENGTH, and got them out of there safe and sound
Finally, something heroic!
-- 
I was wondering where Dastardly and Muttley got off to - apparently they’re off to take a money bath.
Aight
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Shag and Scoob have now convinced the Rotten Robots to turn into bowling balls to knock Cerberus off their feet a la the classic marbles pratfall back into the underworld
That is a sentence I just wrote
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OH FCUK NO
NO
ABSOLUTELY NOT NO
YOU ARE TELLING US THAT AFTER ALL OF THIS - ALL OF THIS - ONE OF THEM HAS TO STAY IN THE UNDERWORLD TO LOCK THE GATE
THAT OCTOBER LEAKER WAS RIGHT WHAT THE HELL
LITERALLY SO
I mean i know its a kids film specifically Scooby Doo so happy ending but what the literal FUCK
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WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGHHH
SHAGGY NOOOO
“Buddy, back when we were kids, you saved me. Now, it’s my turn.”
and he dOES THIS WHILE HOLDING SCOOBY’S HEAD TENDERLY IN HIS HANDS
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AND WHEN EVERYTHING REVERTS IT’S JUST RUBBLE AND RUIN AND SCOOBY’S LEFT SOBBING OPENLY AT NOTHING
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AND THE GANG ALL COME TO CLING AT HIM AND CRY OVER THEIR FRIEND WHO THOUGHT HE WAS WORTHLESS MOST OF THE MOVIE AND THOUGH THAT THE GANG THOUGHT THE SAME ABOUT HIM
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH
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WELP, TIME TO COPE WITH INAPPROPRIATE HUMOR
Shaggy: I yelled at my dog, got him kidnapped, and ended up helping the bad guy to open the gates to Hell. Guess I’ll die. 
Dee Dee: Well actually, this is more Dastardly’s fault because -
Shaggy, yelling as he slams his hand against the lock: GUESS I’LL DIE!!!
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Ah, so the writers wrote themselves into a corner, and the only way out was a Deus Ex Machina (at least, I think I’m using that term correctly…) 
Because to get Shaggy back, a giant statue of Alexander the Great and Peritas appears out of nowhere - literally, since it definitely wasn’t there before - with an inscription Scooby has to read to get Shaggy back.
This would have been a lot more effective if we’d seen it when Dastardly arrived in Greece - maybe even as the marker for where the gate to the Underworld was. Have Alexander facing one way, and Peritas facing the other. You open the gate on Alexander’s side, and come home on Peritas’ side. Having this unfold into the gate gives it more purpose than “magically appears right the fcuk outta nowehere” and you could have a pun with the “backdoor” escape. Everybody wins!
And if that’s too good for ya, how about a brief lingering shot by it at some point as Dastardly flies into Greece, behind where the gate materializes, or directly across from it on the plaza? Maybe have one of the gang kick it after Shaggy leaves, and say ‘This is all your fault! Why would you make something like this?’
It’d still be a magical contrivance, but at least it would make some fcuking SENSE.
(Granted it DID lead to this hilariously ominous shot, so maybe I shouldn’t complain:)
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Velma: I finally figured out what you guys are! You’re the heart of Mystery Inc.
Me: YEAH BABY! *flips over table* I’VE BEEN SAYING THAT SHIT FOR YEARS AND NOW, I’M FCUKING VALIDATED AT LAAAAAAAAST!
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Shaggy: *rips off Dastardly’s face to reveal…*
ALL: SIMON COWELL??!?
Me, choking on food: I’m sorry WHAT?!?!?
Velma: *takes off mask again to reveal*
ALL: DICK DASTARDLY?!?
Dastardly: Drat! No one ever goes for the double unmasking. 
So I was right all along - Simon Cowell truly was a Dick this entire time.
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And so we close on the gang unveiling a Mystery Machine paint job on their official detective agency building, Brian Falcon living the good life as the DJ at their party, the Falcon team gifting a sleek new Mystery Machine to the gang (which honestly looks pretty unique - it’s not the classic, but it is something new that isn’t awful, so kudos there), and the gang on their way to another mystery.
So, at the end of the day is this a good Scooby movie? 
Meh? *waves hand in meh motion* But it definitely had its moments. 
This Scooby film is flawed as heck, no doubt about it - the plot has a MAJOR problem with telling instead of showing, some parts feeling out of order or WAY too short, and of course the deus ex machina ending. I honestly would have loved some more time for their first mystery as kids, where we actually got more character moments/bonding from Fred, Daphne, and Velma as they solved it the more traditional route, as well as not framing FD&V as super duper mystery solvers right off the bat??? 
The stuff with Blue Falcon isn’t AWFUL, per se, but it is ridiculously satisfying to see him get smacked around. Captain Caveman was honestly one of the funniest bits in the movie, same with Dynomutt. 
As far as the character stuff? It all felt fairly natural, progression-wise. Shag and Scoob don’t have this big break-up with the gang - they’re hurt by the literal Dickhead’s comments the gang don’t speak up against, and go to blow off some steam together. Shag and Scoob don’t have this giant blow-up argument - it builds over the film into a hurt spat they both recognize they overreacted to almost immediately. The gang (FDV) go looking for them almost as soon as they leave, and, upon hearing they’re in danger, turn and head towards them to save them, realizing how important the two are to Mystery Inc along the way. They defend each other, help each other, have some of the Best Dang Animated Mystery Inc hugs I ever did see - THIS feels more like the Gang I’ve been waiting for forever to come back to DTV (and in a rough sense, did). While I do wish we’d gotten more screen time of FD&V, what we got wasn’t too bad. 
Weirdly enough, at the end of the day, I’ve actually grown more accustomed to Forte’s Shaggy - it feels like it fits this different style a touch more than I originally thought, and holy hell if I didn’t come close to tears at that ending gate scene, he knocked that one out of the park.  Velma still doesn’t feel much like Velma, but I did get used to it by the end. I kept cracking up at Efron’s Fred, and no complaints on Seyfried’s Daphne.
Jason Isaacs as Dick Dastardly absolutely killed it. Blue Falcon Crew was okay (excepting Mark “The Racist” Wahlburg - it was just him talking, no real effort. You could recognize Wahlburg right off the bat, acting as a goofy douche) and freaking Captain Caveman was awesome. Apparently they combined both Billy West and Don Messick’s recordings for Muttley (awesome!!!), so this may very well be Don Messick’s final role in a Scooby Doo film. 
It got off to a rough start, but ended well enough. The animation was solid, the writing has some unexpectedly clever and funny moments sprinkled throughout, with some pretty fun action sequences on the side. Watching this, I really do believe that the people working on it love Scooby Doo and all things Hanna-Barbera… at least in their own way. 
I ended up buying this instead of just renting it ($5 more, why not) and I am honestly glad I did so. Despite its flaws, it has some great moments with the gang as friends, and I have been Craving That Shit for DECADES
And if these writers/directors ever did another Scooby film? I think I’d be up for giving them a chance - at least so long as we got some more absolutely BEAUTIFUL hugs with the gang
I hope you enjoyed this stream-of-consciousness reaction to SCOOB! (2020)... a whole ass year LATER, admittedly (I didn’t switch my Save Post to Queue, curse my hubris), but hopefully y’all’ve been entertained. Good night everybody!
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