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#(i may just still be a tiny bit mad about him voicing Mario in the Mario movie but not really)
zerothisnero · 2 months
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Pizza tower movie but Weird AL voices pizza head and Chris Pratt voices Peppino
In today's essay I will-
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bottled-bliss · 5 years
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AOP
This can be read as a kind of sequel to "Walking Back Home In The Mud" but it's fine on its own too. Enjoy! Or not, I can’t force you.
A peculiar smell drifts in through the open windows- dewberry. It’s sweet and light and totally out of place. She shouldn’t be able to smell it at all, not with the overpowering stench of fresh paint burning her nostrils. She hasn’t caught a sniff of it since Vermont, except maybe in some perfume shop at one point or another, but artificial smells are different. They don’t have the same time traveling abilities, the power of launching you back into your childhood bedroom like you never left. It makes her think of her mother, how much she misses her and how she’d love to have her here, to help with the alien being that she’s growing inside her, just under her heart.
“Frank,” she shouts and hears him promptly stomp down the stairs. “Can you smell that?”
“Can’t smell anything but the goddamn paint. I left the windows open, hope it helps,” he grumbles. “What is it? Something burning?”
“No, nothing like that.” She eases herself down onto the couch and twists just enough to stretch her legs on it as well. Movement is becoming increasingly difficult these days, as her belly keeps expanding. “Maybe I imagined it,” she shrugs.
“Like the garlic bread last week?” Frank chuckles. He gently grips her ankles, lifts up her legs and sits down beside her, as he grabs a throw pillow to place on his lap, under her feet. “Gotta keep them elevated,” he reminds her and starts giving her feet a much needed massage, smiling when she lets out a moan. He looks a bit silly with the mint green smudges on his face, on his clothes -all over him actually. Silly and laid-back and gorgeous. The past month has taught her she shouldn’t even try to bend forward, but if she could, she would be kissing him right now.
“You don’t know how good this feels,” Karen purrs before getting down to business. “So, are you finished painting the nursery? I want to have the crib set up by the end of the week. The changing table too and it wouldn’t hurt to have some drawers in there and-”
“Slow down,” Frank says, his thumb kneading the arch of her left foot as she wiggles her toes. “I’ll set up everything, stop being so stressed. You didn’t take the week off so you could nag me the whole time, did you?”
Karen gives him a snort full of disapproval. “I don’t nag.”
He raises one eyebrow and cocks his head, lips curling into an amused smile. “Baby, you nag.”
She kicks his hand away playfully while trying to hide her own smile. “If I do, it’s because this little hell spawn of yours is giving me a hard time,” she huffs and places a protective hand on her belly. “Would it kill you to sit still for one moment?” she addresses the baby and then turns to Frank. “I could swear it already hates me.”
“Might be because you’re still calling it ‘it’,” he says, running his palm over her leg.
“It’s mine, I’ll call it what I like,” she tells him.
Frank leans to the side, lowering his head towards her stomach and rubbing his cheek against it. “What are you doing in there that’s got her so mad, kid?” he says in a low voice, like he and the baby are having a private conversation, and then jolts up, surprised. “Christ, that was one mean kick!”  
“No kidding.” Karen exhales slowly. “I’ve developed this theory that the baby is actually trying to kick its way out of me. And at this rate, it will probably succeed.”
He places a tender hand over hers, worry obvious in his eyes. “Does it hurt?”
“Not really, but I’m not enjoying it either.” She hisses as the imprint of a tiny foot appears, pushing against the stretched flesh of her belly. She’s about to start telling the kid off, when she notices Frank’s hypnotized stare. Without saying a word, she takes his hand and presses it down, hoping her estimation of the baby’s next target is correct. “There,” she says when the kick lands. “You felt that, right?”
“Yeah,” he gives her a teary-eyed look. “Yeah, I felt it.”
Her fingers wrap around his in an affectionate squeeze as he pretends to examine the living room walls. “You’ve already painted those,” Karen remarks kindly.
Not bothering to deny he got caught, Frank lets out a quiet, soft laugh. “Can’t hide from you, can I?” He continues rubbing her leg lazily, his eyes rolling to the side as he tries either to recall something or avoid her gaze.
“Frank.”
“Hmm?”
“What did you do?”
When he turns to her, he’s holding a breath that he lets out slowly, very slowly, buying time for himself. “What makes you think I did anything?” he says finally. It’s just a game they play. He likes to tease her but he always spills the beans without much effort from her part. Karen’s brow shoots up and he knows that he shouldn’t drag it out this time. “I may or may not have called your doctor while you were in the bathroom earlier.”
“Frank, come on,” she whines. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”
“And it will be, for you,” he assures her. Her disbelieving glare makes him want to laugh, but he manages to stifle it. “You don’t trust me to keep my mouth shut? I will, cross my heart and all that.”
Karen moves forward with a grunt and slaps his arm. “Why couldn’t you wait?”
“Because I hate surprises, you know,” he says. “And I was thinking about that form you showed me the other day. Child’s name goes on top. We haven’t even started talking about names yet. What are we going to tell the notary public? Give us a week to decide?”
“I have half a mind to call it Matthew even if it’s a girl, just to annoy you,” she grumbles and Frank roars with laughter.
“Don’t you dare.” He grabs her hand and brings it to his lips.
“Matthew David has a nice ring to it too,” she smirks.
“You wouldn’t be that cruel to the father of your child,” he says before kissing her palm and placing it on his cheek. “I’ll be good from now on, I swear.”
The baby delivers a little pop of a kick, as though asking her to take pity on daddy, and Karen rubs the stubbly cheek under her palm. “I could do worse but I’m going to let this one slide. It seems that you two are teaming up against me.”
“It,” he stresses the word, “knows what’s right.”  
“Oh, getting cocky, are we?” She leans closer to her belly and casts him a smile that is all threat, as she whispers to the baby. “Are you comfortable in there, Matthew David?” Frank raises his hands in surrender and the baby stays suspiciously still. She counts that as a win. “Both are good names though.”
“No way in hell,” he laughs again. “I can’t handle more than one David and one Matthew in our life. We’re covered on that front.”
“So it’s a boy,” Karen exclaims. She expected to be a bit disappointed at finding out now instead of later, but she really isn’t. A little nervous, maybe, because she doesn’t know the first thing about raising a boy. But also excited.
“Didn’t say that,” Frank cuts her excitement short.
“A girl?” She realizes she doesn’t know the first thing about raising a girl either. What was she thinking, that she would magically have all the insight necessary to bring up a person, simply because they happened to be of the same gender? Frank presses his lips together in response, refusing to give up the secret. “That’s not fair,” Karen frowns.
“I thought you didn’t want to know,” he quirks an eyebrow. “If you’ve changed your mind…”
“I haven’t,” says Karen and turns her head away, pouting in mock annoyance.
“Okay then.”
Placing an arm behind her knees, Frank lifts up her legs and gets up, setting the pillow on a different angle, making sure the position is up to his standards before gently laying her feet on it. As he stands there rubbing the back of his neck, Karen follows his gaze across the room, to the kitchen table where the printed AOP form lies. She wonders if the same thing that bothers her, bothers him too. “Have you thought of any names?” she asks.
“Don’t expect anything creative from me,” he chuckles, distracted momentarily. “Jane and John are the first names that came to mind.”
“Jane Castiglione,” she says, inclining her head to the side as though seriously considering it. “It doesn’t sound bad.”
“It sounds terrible. Same goes for John Castiglione,” he replies as he bends down to kiss her forehead. “We could go with Penelope, if it’s a girl. If you…”
Karen reaches up to stroke his cheek. “It’s very sweet of you to suggest it, but as much as I loved my mom, I don’t want to force that name on a child. It’s not very… us, don’t you think?” Her eyes widen, sparkling with an idea. “What about your mom’s name?”
“Louisa? You like that?”
Yes, she really does and the more she thinks about it, the more fitting it seems. “Louisa Castiglione. Yeah, I like it. Do you? Or is it too much like…”
“A little bit,” Frank admits with a tightness in his tone. “We have time to come up with something. No rush.”
Karen nods. “And if it’s a boy?”
He hesitates for a split second, maybe even less than that, looking confused, which tells Karen a lot more than he’d planned. “Uh, I don’t know,” he replies. “We agree that both Paxton and Mario are shit names, right?”
“Oh, definitely.” A bright smile starts forming on her lips, as something like joy stirs in her stomach, prompting the baby to begin moving again as well. Joy, she thinks and puts the name down in the mental list of potential names for their daughter. “But we won’t be needing any boys’ names, I take it?”
Frank throws his hands up and then cradles her face in them, leaning in to kiss her. “How the hell do you do that?”
“You’re too easy to read, Castle,” Karen giggles and throws her arm over the back of the couch, slanting backwards. “A little girl, huh?”
“Yeah,” he beams at her, taking a deep breath.
“Well, I hope she likes green because that room isn’t getting repainted for a long time.”
“Eh, I wouldn’t mind doing it all over again, if she doesn’t like it,” Frank tells her, eyes narrowed with a smile.
Great, Karen thinks, the kid isn’t even out yet and he’s already set on spoiling her. “Jane Castiglione is really not a bad name.” Frank pulls a seriously displeased face. “Is it the Castiglione part that bothers you?”
“No, why would it? I’ll sign the paper as Pete Castiglione and I’ll be proud to do it. But it bothers you.”
“Just a tiny little bit,” she confesses.
“It’s just a name, Karen.” He shrugs and his eyes gleam with mischief. “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”
“You know, continuing to quote Shakespeare in spite of me asking you to stop, is grounds for divorce,” Karen says, tapping her finger on the couch while holding his gaze.
“You’ll have to marry me before you can file for divorce,” he chuckles as he makes his way towards the stairs, probably going to add some finishing touches to the nursery before jumping in the shower.
“Well, you haven’t asked me yet.”
Frank freezes in his tracks and for a moment, Karen considers if that’s too much pressure for him. There’s no reason why it should be; they’ve been living together for some time, they’re expecting a baby, for god’s sake, and while she doesn’t need a ring on her finger to feel secure in her relationship, she’s going to smack him if he freaks out on her. When he turns around to face her, his features are soft and calm and Karen is glad that she doesn’t have to resort to violence, especially because she’d have to get up to do it. “I will,” he tells her simply and goes off to finish his chores.
Frank planted two large rose bushes in the flower beds of their front yard just last week, but despite their size, they haven’t made their presence known until now, as a mild breeze carries their scent inside the house and spreads it around the living room. Karen inhales deeply, not letting the smell drag her back to the past, but have her glimpse into the future instead. She knows enough about genetics to understand the chances of the kid looking like her are slim, but she’s perfectly okay with that. The only flaw she can imagine in a child that looks like Frank is that she’ll have two sets of those dark, puppy eyes melting her heart. “I won’t allow you to be spoiled, you hear me?” she speaks softly, rubbing her belly. ‘Your father will be a constant foil to my plans, but you’re not going to become some obnoxious brat that nobody likes. And you’d better love mint green, we’re done with painting for at least five years. Well, maybe if you’d like a bit of yellow, I’d consider it. I don’t know, stop being so spoiled already,” she smiles as her daughter finally settles down to sleep. 
AO3
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taraadevlin · 7 years
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The mysterious Ken and the secret on the second floor
1: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:01:38 ID:DJ9qQQei7 I’m gonna write now, okay.
2: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:01:47 ID:agIBjaFPH Oooookay.
4: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:02:47 ID:DJ9qQQei7 My details (at the time)
175cm 62kg A regular face Hobbies: Shogi, aquariums Never had a girlfriend, only a few friends
Okay, let me write this down.
At the time I was a first grade university student and living alone, so I didn’t have much money (my allowance from home was also quite small).
I worked part time jobs at family restaurants and convenience stores, but I noticed that home teachers got paid a lot better.
But registering to be a home teacher on the web is a bit of a hassle, isn’t it?
So I got permission from the neighbourhood and started handing out flyers.
I’m pretty sure I had on there that I could teach junior high school students English and Japanese, one hour was 3000 yen, and it had my contact details.
Then a few days later I got a phone call.
It sounded like a middle aged lady.
“I saw your flyer~ Would you be able to come over?” she said.
When I asked her about it she said she was looking for someone to teach her son.
She wanted me to come every day and teach him for four hours.
I was like, are you for real? That’s 12 000 yen a day, awesome!
I should have thought it was a little strange she wanted me to be there for four hours a day every day.
6: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:04:09 ID:agIBjaFPH I get it, they kidnap and kill you on the day, and then demand a ransom. I saw that yesterday.
9: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:06:01 ID:DJ9qQQei7 >>6 I saw that too and thought I should start a thread! Because this story happened about four years ago…
11: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:07:30 ID:agIBjaFPH >>9 Really? Being a home teacher really is a scary job, huh…
8: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:04:52 ID:DJ9qQQei7 She wanted me to come the very next day, so the next day I went over.
It was in the evening (from about 5pm I think) for four hours, so I ate dinner early and went over.
When I arrived at the address a tiny old house was sitting there.
It was also that time of day so it gave off a bit of a creepy atmosphere.
Well, it’s work… I thought, so I timidly rang the door bell.
When I did, I heard the voice of that same middle aged lady from the phone and felt a bit relieved.
When the door opened and I saw her I was at a loss for words.
Her head was full of dandruff.
She had dark bags around her eyes.
Her grin was horrifying.
Instantly I wanted to go back home, but in the end money won out.
Old lady: “Please, come in.” (grin)
“Thank you,” I said and stepped inside. I think my voice was shaking.
I asked her where her son was and she was like, this way, and led me into a further room.
To be honest I was absolutely terrified. I dunno how to explain exactly but the atmosphere the house gave off was really scary.
Reluctantly I followed her further inside and we ended up in what looked like a child’s room.
There was a chest of drawers, a TV, a bed, stuffed toys, toy robots, a study desk…
There looked to be a child sitting at the study desk in the back, but when I walked over to it I suddenly realised.
12: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:07:41 ID:DJ9qQQei7 “Hello!” I said as I approached, but upon closer inspection… it was a doll…
Not just any doll, it appeared to be handmade. It was about the size of a real child and was even wearing regular clothes.
Its face was awful. There were just three dots made of cloth.
In Mario there are these characters called shy guys, right? It looked just like those.
Old lady: “That’s my son.” (grin)
I turned white. This place was dangerous. Really dangerous.
“Uh… that’s a doll… right?” I accidentally spit out.
That was the wrong thing to say.
Old lady: “Huuuuuhhhhh?!?!?!?! What are you saying?!!! That’s my son!!! Ken-kun!!!!”
She suddenly screamed out in a loud voice and began to cry.
This was really bad. She’s probably gonna kill me. I don’t want to die.
I need to end this peacefully somehow and get back home.
“Oh yeah I know! I know!” I said.
“Ken-kun, let’s study!!” When I said this, the old lady started to smile again and returned to normal.
Of course Ken-kun didn’t answer. Why would he? He was a doll after all.
Rather than calling it study, I just turned towards the doll and began talking to it.
Having to do this for another four hours would be hell. Even taking a break for ten minutes was still painful.
“The be verb is here so it becomes this~ This is the conjunctive form so it’s ‘u’ okay~” I went on like this alone for four hours.
The old lady watched from behind the whole time grinning. It was really creepy.
15: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:09:38 ID:2q03lblwb That’s terrifying.
16: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:09:48 ID:DJ9qQQei7 Somehow I managed to pass the four hours.
“Okay, well let’s finish it there~” I said to Ken-kun.
There was no reply. Of course not. It was a doll.
Old lady: “Well done~ Thank you very much~” (grin)
While thinking about how creepy her grinning face was I got ready to go home.
Old lady: “It’s already late, so why don’t you stay and eat first?” (grin)
No, I ate before I came so I’m alright, I told her.
Besides, any food that came out of this creepy house was bound to be awful.
Old lady: “Please eat!!!!!”
She screamed again. It was so scary. She was mad. But I thought she would kill me, so I reluctantly accepted.
She took me to what looked like the dining room and I sat down in a chair.
She took out a knife and started preparing dinner.
When she took out the knife my heart began to race. I broke out in a cold sweat.
She took out a dirty old pan and began to boil something. It smelled like curry.
Ah, curry. I’m glad it’s something normal, I thought from the bottom of my heart.
Old lady: “Okay, here you are.” (grin)
She put curry onto a dirty plate for me. The spoon was also the type you get free from the convenience store that she was using again.
“Thank you,” I said and timidly began to eat. It was just regular curry. Not awful, not great…
Old lady: “Tastes good, I hope?” (grin)
“Yes! It’s great!” I said in a really loud voice. I was so scared I may have have replied a little too enthusiastically.
Old lady: “I’m glad. Why don’t you stay the night?” (grin)
I had no idea what was going on anymore.
17: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:10:43 ID:VfIQkBZza Why couldn’t you refuse the food?
20: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:11:44 ID:DJ9qQQei7 >>17 Because I was so scared.
“No, really, that’s okay,” I answered.
Old lady: “Ken-kun would be so happy~ Please, stay.” (grin)
“No, it’s okay,” I said again.
Old lady: “Please stay!!! You’ll make Ken-kun sad!!!!”
I was scared. But staying overnight in this house was even scarier. The thought of being killed was even scarier than that.
I had no choice. I decided to stay.
I’d pretend that I was staying and when the opportunity presented itself, I’d run.
It was decided I’d stay with Ken-kun in his room.
Having to sleep in the same room as this creepy doll was most unpleasant.
She put out a futon for me in his room.
Old lady: “Isn’t it great~ You get to sleep with your teacher tonight~” (grin)
I was so scared.
18: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:11:13 ID:2q03lblwb I don’t get it.
21: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:13:27 ID:agIBjaFPH Isn’t that confinement…?
23: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:13:50 ID:DJ9qQQei7 Old lady: “The toilet is next to the dining room, so don’t go upstairs okay.” (grin)
First I’d wait for the old lady to go to sleep, so I awaited patiently in Ken-kun’s room.
I lamented that I’d forgotten my phone. If I had that I could call for help.
She’ll fall asleep once it gets late, so I waited some more.
That was around 10.30pm.
I had nothing to do so I just lay there in the futon.
26: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:17:08 ID:DJ9qQQei7 Before I realised it, it was 1am. Looked like I’d fallen asleep.
The old lady has to be asleep by now, so I got ready to make my escape.
I grabbed my bag and began to tip toe to the door.
One step… another step… Only my heartbeat made any sound.
“What are you doing?”
Uh oh… that’s it, I thought. I’m dead.
27: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:17:27 ID:DJ9qQQei7 When I looked over the old lady was sitting behind the dining room door, grinning at me.
No way… she’s been sitting there watching me all this time…?
All the blood drained from my body.
Old lady: “You weren’t trying to go home now, were you?” (grin)
I panicked.
“Uwaaaaaaaaaaa!!!” I screamed and ran towards the back of the house.
There was no window a person could escape from in Ken-kun’s room.
I ran up the stairs as fast as I could.
Dotadotadotadota!! I saw a door in front of me. I opened it. It was pitch black.
I looked for the light switch and turned the lights on. Everything in the room lit up.
The room was full of nothing but stuffed toys and dolls. It was terrifying!!
I was brought to a standstill when suddenly
“Kyakyakyakyakyakya!!!” I could hear a voice screaming from the back of the room.
I looked over and saw something that looked like a person? with a really huge head and eyes that looked like they were gonna pop out.
Our eyes met.
“Hyahyahyahyahya!!!!”
It was terrifying. I wet myself. It was disgusting.
In a panic I opened the second floor window and jumped out.
I didn’t feel any pain. My fear won out over that.
I ran all the way home. That night I couldn’t sleep, and my foot was in so much pain that the next day I went to the hospital and found out I’d broken my left ankle.
Afterwards I moved away and didn’t go there again. I didn’t want to go there again.
I wonder what it was I saw in that room?
The end.
28: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:18:40 ID:jey5ysCe1 Perhaps it was a disabled person locked up?
32: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:20:30 ID:DJ9qQQei7 >>28 I thought it might have been the real Ken-kun. Maybe he was a handicapped kid and the doll was her way of escaping reality…
29: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:18:47 ID:RcNiQtX6w Wow that’s terrifying, haha.
30: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:18:55 ID:agIBjaFPH So scary.
33: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:21:47 ID:DJ9qQQei7 When I said I moved, I meant I moved away from that town entirely.
If you have any questions, I’m happy to answer them.
34: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:22:15 ID:jey5ysCe1 Do you remember where that house is?
37: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:23:24 ID:DJ9qQQei7 >>34 Kind of. I forgot the exact address though.
35: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:22:37 ID:VfIQkBZza In the end did you get the money?
38: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:23:57 ID:DJ9qQQei7 >>35 Nope. Returning home safely was more than enough.
36: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:22:44 ID:dHk9aLaVg Was it hydrocephalus?
41: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:25:08 ID:DJ9qQQei7 >>36 Maybe, his head was really, really big. Like it was gonna explode.
39: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:24:56 ID:jey5ysCe1 I’m sure it was really scary, but no doubt it was Ken-kun locked away on the second floor.
Was he really there in the dark all that time? He was probably happy to see another person after so long.
42: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:26:04 ID:DJ9qQQei7 >>39 The more I think about it the scarier it gets…
44: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:26:53 ID:lfysAOZOU >>42 I was just kidding. That’s the first time in a while I’ve been so scared. Thanks.
40: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:25:05 ID:lfysAOZOU I’ve foooound you~
42: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:26:04 ID:DJ9qQQei7 >>40 Quit it…
43: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:26:46 ID:wnJtOEtzv What prefecture was this?
45: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:27:04 ID:DJ9qQQei7 >>43 Kanto region.
47: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:31:25 ID:wnJtOEtzv Was it Chiba?
48: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:32:48 ID:DJ9qQQei7 >>47 Do you live in Chiba? Never fear! It wasn’t Chiba.
51: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:37:21 ID:JrNj686dD What an interesting story. Anyway, did you change your phone number?
52: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:40:34 ID:DJ9qQQei7 >>51 I blocked her number and changed mine soon after!
55: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:53:02 ID:MXh05JNfs This isn’t something you should read on the street at night.
I decided I’m not gonna walk and read my phone anymore.
56: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:53:27 ID:DJ9qQQei7 Are there no more questions?
Well I’m gonna go to bed now, if you’re gonna be a home teacher make sure you’re really careful.
See ya.
58: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/06(日)03:29:31 ID:jJGIHsjDD Been a long time since a scary story gave me goosebumps.
22: 名無しさん@おーぷん 2014/07/04(金)22:13:44 ID:JrNj686dD Man that’s scary. But the fact you could make this thread means that you’re still alive. I’m relieved.
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