#(like ACAB and truly ik the cops wouldn't do shit so tbh i probably wouldn't but it does work on him) but anyway normal day discussing

[ablednt]

Honestly though I really am in such a weird spot with my mental health that I know at least a few others are in where I have a grasp on systemhood and sharing my body strong enough that I am not going to do anything to seriously hurt it

But it's like if I were alone in here I know I would be very much high risk of shit like I don't hurt myself because it would hurt the people i love in a very physical sense and also because I would just have control taken from me by someone else I don't have a choice in the matter really.

But when I reassure everyone that I won't do anything drastic it sounds like I'm telling them I'm okay and that my mental health is doing alright and that would be a lie my mental health is really bad frankly and though I am in some ways in a better place than I was as a teenager when I didn't have the experience I do now in other ways I'm a lot worse.

It's frustrating like I tell people that suicide doesn't trigger me because it doesn't and they assume that it's because I don't struggle with suicidal ideation but really it's because it's a constant influence on me it's always in the back of my brain.

Just a lot of stuff like that? It's because of the way neurotypicals organize psychiatric help and how they define a crisis only as it effects others. Like yeah I sure am palatable to society I sure am non-threatening. I am also in a perpetual state of emotional crisis that makes me always feel a little too close to death for my own comfort though but like haha it's fine I'm not going to hurt myself and that's the only thing that matters to "pro recovery" people really/s

#suicide tw #self harm tw #like I wish I was worse sometimes that I could actually get real help #it's not like being openly suicidal would get me any help though when I tried to say hey my mental healths been bad lately #to the parents the dad threatened to tie me up in his room to 'stop me from hurting myself' #cause obviously everything can be solved with physical abuse/s and I told him if he even fucking touched me I'd report that shit #(like ACAB and truly ik the cops wouldn't do shit so tbh i probably wouldn't but it does work on him) but anyway normal day discussing #mental illness at my house it's like 'we tried gaslighting you into thinking you were neurotypical and that didn't work #so what if we threatened you would that make you normal lol' #honestly rationally I know it'll get better once I move out and that without the looming pressure of their presence everything feels So Easy #but I'm fucking terrified that I'll fall apart or lose my job (if I get it. not official yet but fingers crossed) or I'll just. break #I never learned to actually cope with anything I just learned how to act fine so my parents wouldn't hurt me #so now as an adult I'm like ??? a???? #id talk to the therapist I apparently just finally fucking got assigned to me about all this but you see #I am moving as soon as i find an apartment/get a job and am assuredly losing my insurance so #I'll have to start again entirely which is so frustrating #idek if a therapist will do any good for me to be real with y'all but I just. need someone I can fall apart around withou #*without causing them great distress #cause my friends really can't deal with this stuff I vent a lot to them I'm open about my issues but I don't ever want them to bear the #weight of it all they've got their own problems just as serious as mine 😔