#135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main )

[decoysouled]

*casually slides this over to him*

HE AT LEAST GIVES THE COURTESY OF READING IT — the way she has slid it over to him is odd, to say the least, & it makes him feel only slightly apprehensive about what comments must have been left. It is a pleasant surprise, in the end, when he notices that it has been filled out normally. Perhaps his expectations were too low considering some of the surveys he had received back.

( especially a particular one involving a particular nameless. )

Once he has finished reading it, he writes down a small note before sliding it back over & returning to the book he was reading — an old one about various ways of maintaining weapons. Whether it is to hone his body as one or to care for his sword remains unknown, albeit the latter is unlikely.

The note simply reads: I will join you next time you ask me to play a game with you. Is that what you want?

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& post — dash games #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #astralexpresscrew #addressed to — silver wolf (astralexpresscrew)

[decoysouled]

unprompted asks // accepting // @astrcls. perhaps it's thanks to kafka lulling ( or suggesting, or forcing ) you off to sleep. perhaps you don't usually dream --- perhaps this is an exception. but this time ... perhaps the dream feels real --- realer even than waking life. someone you used to know is crying. his face is hazy, but there's a familiar red earring dangling from one ear; on his wrist is a familiar bracer. it matches your own. his breath leaves him in quiet, hiccupping sobs --- as if even in grief, he's conditioned to be polite. his hands are gentle and cold as he reaches for your own, tugging at the bandages there. "tián xīn," he weeps, sounding as if his heart is being shattered into pieces, "you're hurting --- you're in pain ! have i ... did i do this ? oh ... i did this, i did this, i --- i can fix it, if you'll let me. just close your eyes, ████, it will be all right, i love you, i will love you forever, please don't leave me --- " ... ......... ( when you wake, will you remember a name to match the sound of his voice --- will you remember the echoes of his touch ? and will your aches and pains be better for it, or worse ? )

SOMETIMES THE MAN DREAMS — the weapon does not care for such desires, for the remnants of an unknown past that curl their tendrils around the mind of the human who still remains buried deep inside of the body they share. Some days, these dreams leave Ren hollow, as if he has lost someone he cannot name, as if he has been stolen from a time he cannot remember. Others, there is an indescribable feeling that wells up in his chest & threatens to drown him as if a moon had taken the tides of a planet & thrust them inside of him.

( those feelings do not belong to him, blade knows, but some days he wishes they did. )

Tonight, Ren dreams that he is dying. It is different to the countless other times that he has met the end of his life, reawakened by an immortal life that was thrust upon him unwillingly many moons ago — he can hardly remember when it happened, only who did it, those cruel eyes that he can never quite erase from his mind despite the way it forgets; the ways in which memory warps until it is unrecognisable. Until it no longer exists at all.

The person in his dreams is speaking to him as if he is important & he finds he cannot recall who they are nor can he recall who is — he does not know his name, he cannot move his limbs. There is something within him that pleads with him to raise his hand, to cup the cheek of the other & run his fingers along his jawline as if it will offer some semblance of comfort. It is too dark to see ( or perhaps he cannot see at all ) but he knows this person.

( he cannot remember his name. he wants to. he needs to. )

He opens his eyes within a dream ( he cannot wake up, cannot feel that he is resting. is it even a dream or is it real? he does not have an answer. ) & he can see it there in the corner of his sight, that red tassel dangling from the ears of the man before him, the bracer on his hand that crosses before his eyes. He cannot remember his name, but he can remember this man's: Dan Feng is before him, tears falling from his eyes & where anger should be, there is only sorrow.

( a concern for what had happened, a worry for why he is in tears. )

Dan Feng cries as if he is the one wounded, as if he is the one whose heart was ripped out once & had never been placed back into his chest. He speaks so sweetly, so sadly, & he feels the urge to try & comfort the man, to try and console him as if it will quell his weeping. As if he has ever been capable of that. It is his fault, Dan Feng claims, yet he feels that it cannot possibly be, for he was never the best at caring for himself & he has always been prone to recklessness.

( he does not know the source of this knowledge. he does not know if it is his. )

Tonight, he dreams that he is living — death is not coming to him, he realises belatedly, simply injuries he can hardly feel, bandaged carefully as if he has been tended to by someone who cannot help but care for him. Jing Yuan, his mind supplies, must have done this, must have cared for his ailments as he slept, but he cannot understand why his name is the one conjured up by his mind.

( nor can he explain the warmth in his chest, the light smile he allows to rest on his lips for just a moment before it fades at the words of the other. )

Perhaps Dan Feng is lucky in this life, for he does indeed close his eyes, albeit he does not fall into a restless sleep, instead simply relaxing as the familiar feeling of cloudhymn magic envelops him like it is one of the blankets Jing Yuan often brings by, or like it is Dan Feng's arms around him on a moonlit night when they both have had a little too much to drink. He whispers something softly to the other, although he is unsure of whether it is heard at all, for he can still here that quiet sobbing coming from his partner.

( it is okay rests on his lips. i love you comes from his mouth. )

The unnamed ( & who is he, in this moment? who was he back then? ) does not make the same protests he usually would to Dan Feng's healing, although perhaps he is too tired to argue or too affectionate a lover to deny the other something so insignificant like he usually would. It is not time yet, he thinks, for Dan Feng to bury the beloved & create the monster that now roams the stars, seeking out someone who no longer exists as if bloodshed would finally empty the resentment he has harboured for what feels like an eternity.

( in the dream, he cannot understand how he would ever hate this man who treats him so tenderly. who acts as if he might break. )

Ren awakes to an empty room, his eyes fixated on the ceiling above him as the last dregs of sleep are slowly packed away into the corner of his mind, like clothes being placed in a suitcase that would never be closed, remaining open & out of sight, never quite acknowledged yet there all the same, as if it is waiting for something that will never happen again.

There is a sorrow in his heart that will not fade, although he cannot remember what he must have been dreaming of — there was someone crying, he recalls, who was very important to him. He cannot remember their name. He cannot remember their face or their voice or the reason they were weeping. He wishes he did, he wants to, but it seems his mind cannot hold onto it any longer, like the rest of his memories from the life before this one.

He can feel the other's touch still, the cold yet tender hands that gently tugged at his bandages until they unravelled & the gentle feeling of water washing over his wounds as if it would heal him. He knows, somewhere in his heart, who it was that had tended to him so thoughtfully, who had wept over him — it is the same merciless man who had buried him until he had risen once again, but he cannot reconcile this knowledge in his mind, cannot remember anything else.

( there is the warmth that comes with being loved in his heart, washing over it like sand on the shore. it is a remnant of a different person's life & it does not belong to him, but oh how he wishes it could for just a moment. )

Ren closes his eyes once more, although he does not give into the sleep that creeps into his body nor the exhaustion that has followed him like a second shadow. For now, he will allow himself to feel adored. For now, he will carve what little he remembers into his mind. By evening, he would forget this dream & the feelings that come with it, an intangible sadness, an irrevocable care that was offered to the person he once was.

( on days like this, he wishes he could keep this memory, despite the fact it has never been his to keep. )

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #astrcls

[decoysouled]

unprompted asks // accepting // @astrcls. "i ... brought you some siu mai." jing yuan seems to be nearly drooping, the weight of an invisible world carried heavily on his shoulders; in spite of his indomitable strength, the cracks in his facade are beginning to show --- dark circles under his eyes, faint lines etched into his face where none were before. ( truthfully, he has not yet recovered from the injuries phantylia inflicted upon him. ... truthfully, he was tired years before that. ) it's with ( unexpected ) difficulty that he gradually lowers himself to the ground alongside blade, handing over the home-cooked food; it's just as warm and soothing as the general himself is. his smile is no less genuine for the exhaustion that tarnishes it around the edges. "it is good to see you again, you know," he says, and means it. "will you stay for awhile this time, or ... ?" or will you be gone as quickly as you came ?

THIS MOMENT IS LIKE A WINDOW INTO A BYGONE AGE — a past that has long since been lost to the withering of his soul; different as he may be these days ( a creature damned to eternal suffering ), he cannot help but acknowledge that to sit here feels foreign despite the familiarity he feels somewhere in the recesses of a dying heart. Here, in a house that he has never been inside yet feels like a home. Here, next to a person he has not known in centuries.

Here, an ancient relic of a life that happened so long ago that it may well not be his own, trapped inside a photograph that is eerily similar to the original painting it is based on yet not quite similar enough, the faces of different people staring through it. A homage to what once was, framed on the wall of an empty bedroom in a house that crumbles at the seams like a distant memory one cannot quite recall ( no matter how they try ), crooked in all its unseen glory.

& in that house that once was, he was buried & resurrected all at once. In his memory, Ren has left those days behind, locking the door with the sort of care that only those saying farewell for the last time were capable of; with the sort of love given when one planned never to return, whether by choice or because they were no longer capable of it.

( in the garden of his memories, in the house of what once was, blade has always felt uncertainty in the fraying seams of his soul. as if it was his. as if it was not. as if it no longer could be even if he wanted it to. )

Here, in the place between the homes & houses of the past & present, Blade sits with a blanket pulled around his shoulders as if to stave off a chill that is more psychological than physical — the sort of coldness that death leaves a person feeling despite the warmth that floods the body from a beating heart. Here, he holds a plate of siu mai in hands that are wholly unworthy of handling anything delicate, of touching anything that could be broken beneath a too-harsh grip or deformed by a lack of carefulness.

( & why did jing yuan trust him enough to hand him anything at all? why did he allow blade to sit here, to be taken care of, without an ounce of pity in his eyes? )

❝You shouldn't think so.❞ He replies, semi-absently, ignoring the way his traitorous heart seems to speed up at those words in a reaction that is more muscle memory than associated with any of the complex feelings Jing Yuan's existence dredges up within his heart. Or so he will tell himself until the day finally comes that he can confront the truth of it without mourning what he once had, what he cannot have any longer.

( the sincerity in his voice, despite all the trouble ren has brought him, is just salt in the wounds of a splintered soul. )

There is a silence that hangs in the air between them as Blade eats the siu mai, using it as more of a way to avoid answering the latter question — it is something that has an uncomfortable weight to it, the sort of question he might expect of a lover ( of someone who desires his presence no matter what ) or a friend who has not seen him in centuries. He supposes, in the end, that Jing Yuan might fall into the latter category.

Eventually, he hands over the plate, still half-full, as if he cannot stomach more than he has eaten — his appetite is often low during these times of lucidity between the episodes of mara that tether him to an existence of disconnection from the world around him, no matter where he is. No matter who he is with.

❝Finish it for me.❞ Ren requests, hoping it is not obvious how he hesitates, as if he doesn't know whether it is within his rights to make such a demand of someone who he used to love be close to care for in some way. ❝I doubt you've eaten.❞ & what reason does he have to fret over him as if Jing Yuan is a person that Blade is allowed to show weakness to, even in these moments of their companionship? ❝Humour me, Jing Yuan.❞

( & he wonders, some days, if the past that slips through his memories held moments like this: soft & untainted by the world & accompanied by a feeling of love love love. )

❝I shouldn't stay.❞ He murmurs several minutes later, as if he has put far more thought into it than should be necessary — & perhaps he has, for this is not his own life. This place, this care, is a remnant of the life lived by the person who used to inhabit his body before he was ripped to shreds by grief, revived by abundance & shattered by a sword of his own making by a friend who was much the same.

( i shouldn't stay, he says. but i want to. how i want to remain here forever, if you would let me. if the universe would. )

❝I'll stay until you've recovered.❞ He offers after another eternity of silence, carefully snaking an arm around Jing Yuan's shoulders, bringing the other's head to rest on his shoulder. ❝You're tired. Sleep. I will be here when you wake up.❞ & how he wishes he could say something that meant more, that was not just a bandage over a wound that will never truly heal — Jing Yuan asks him to stay & he cannot. Dan Feng ( by whatever name he chooses these days ) asks him to leave & he cannot.

For once in his life, Blade finds himself wishing he had chosen a different path than anger & resentment & revenge. For once in his life, he mourns that it is too late to do so.

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #astrcls #addressed to — jing yuan (astrcls) #( blade whenever he feels things that were more yingxing's feelings than his own: :/ )

[decoysouled]

unprompted asks // always accepting. @astrcls // stares at blade from across the courtyard. jing yuan is terribly sorry --- it's just that he can't help himself; seeing a familiar face after all this time has dredged up some powerful memories ...

THERE IS A LINGERING FAMILIARITY — there are few things the weapon can recall of his past life, memories hazy & blurred together by the agony of death ( of living once more ) until all that remained were fragments of righteous fury scattered throughout his mind. Some days, he wonders how much of his lifetime he has lost to the fractures within him. Some days, he remembers flashes of it, terrible sins he has committed, pains he wishes to part with.

Some days, he is not quite human. Some days, he does not care to be.

There is a lingering familiarity in the gaze burning into his back, Ren notes, his own searching around the courtyard ( had they done this before, in the lifetime before this eternal agony? ) for the holder of it, eventually meeting Jing Yuan's eyes with his own, just as unwavering. The general is simply another person from the weapon's history, one he does not care to keep hold of outside of the resentment that has driven him since the day he was changed into the creature he was now.

A weapon is not chained by its history, only by the intent it is wielded. Thus, he should not care for the way those eyes watch him as he turns away, tearing himself from this moment of weakness that he could not seem to avoid. His past is of no consequence & these feelings of familiarity, of longing for it, are not his, but those of the unnamed who once existed within this body — the blade does not care for those emotions, for the few memories he holds that are not filled with cruelty. That are not warped beyond comprehension.

Ren hesitates for only a moment before he begins to walk, vanishing amongst the sea of people that linger. There is no place for him here, not as he is, not any longer, & perhaps someday, he will not feel the ache that comes with his lost lifetime. One day, he would free himself of all chains, including the gaze of Jing Yuan on his back, no matter what it might cost.

No matter what he may feel.

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #astrcls #addressed to — jing yuan (astrcls)

[decoysouled]

She blinks in confusion at that one box before handing him the paper. It left her confused only just a bit

" I don't know if my affection will make you feel peaceful but I do care about you. We are partners and wether or not this...we become anything more other then that has yet to be seen."

(yeets this for them - )

Blade's bingo card // accepting.

THE CARE OF A FRIEND CAN BE PEACEFUL — Kafka's calming of the mara crawling beneath his skin was peace, Elio's promises of finality were peace, even the company of Eden & Silver Wolf was not something that ended with him being annoyed. Rather, the worst feeling he held toward the two was a mild annoyance, an exasperation that he is sure he has felt before.

( in another life. with another person. )

❝There are few things that bring me peace. Don't concern yourself with it.❞ Those occasional memories that flittered through his mind before being forgotten, leaving him with a feeling of joy & a hole in his heart when the past should have been were one of them. Ren sees no need to mention those. ❝Working with you is not... terrible.❞

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& post — dash games #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #addressed to — eden (doloniadiegesis)

[decoysouled]

"Only two away from 100% Looks like your stuck with me big boy." Hi Blade LOL

HE WOULD BE STUCK WITH HER REGARDLESS — he intends to see Elio's scripts through until the time came that this undying body would be cast out & his soul scattered amongst the stars he had once stared at with someone by his side as if they were all that had mattered to him. Those days were long gone & now, there was only this life, in which he had to play nice with those around him.

( the man would call himself fond of the group. the weapon would deny itself capable of any emotion at all. )

❝I regret ever making this.❞ Comes the muttered response, albeit it is not spoken in a way that is particularly irritated, merely exasperated, as if he is expecting follow up questions he does not wish to answer. ❝I have been stuck with you since the moment we both ended up here. It is not willing.❞ Except that is a lie, an obvious one at that, for if he didn't want to deal with her, he would not bother to respond at all.

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& post — dash games #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #hxkerwxlf

[decoysouled]

somewhere across the universe, jing yuan is short of breath again.

somewhere else, dan heng wakes from a nightmare that has the same familiar face, one he's equal parts terrified of and oddly sympathetic to.

HE HAD THOUGHT HE WAS PAST PAIN — that nothing could ever hurt him again, not in the ways they once had, that his heart was no longer open but simply a void of nothingness; filled with resentment & nought else. Yet, it seems the man is proven wrong once more as he gazes upon the answers left by Jing Yuan, a look in his eyes that can only be described as resignation, as pain.

( the weapon sings, craving blood. )

He had known this, really: that Jing Yuan would look at him & see a man long dead, that he could not love Ren in the same ways that his patchwork soul ( cut to pieces & stitched back together time & time again until all that was left was the mara that consumes him ) had begun to fall for the man. Somehow, having it confirmed to him is worse than knowing it anyway.

( perhaps the ability to deny it was what had kept the pain at bay. )

As for Dan Heng's audacity to even fill the page out... One couldn't blame Ren if he were to cover each & every green tick up with scraps of paper until it resembles a scrapbook more than it does a survey.

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& post — dash games #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #astrcls #addressed to — dan heng (astrcls) #addressed to — jing yuan (astrcls)

[decoysouled]

smash or pass // accepting. anonymous // For Blade: Dan Heng, Jing Yuan. Bonus points: rank in order of "smashability" or lack thereof

❝The only smashing Dan Heng & I will be doing.❞ Ren states, a lilt of annoyance to his voice — perhaps once, there was some form of love between him & another person that the man resembled ( but dan feng was long gone from this world. he knew this now. it did not hurt any less. ) it no longer lingered in the space that had been filled with resentment. ❝In this life or his next ten, is his skull into my sword.❞

( sure, jing yuan would be mad at him for that, but what did it matter? )

❝As for the general, maybe once I might have considered it.❞ In another lifetime, one where he was not Blade & Jing Yuan was far less jaded — he could never return to those days, to those few memories that came & went like dandelion seeds flying by on the breeze. It was best not to think of them at all. ❝But I'm not the person he might yearn for. Not any longer. It would be best for us both if I didn't spare him more thought than necessary.❞

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #anonymous #( i have complex feelings on renheng / jingheng tbh ) #( for any sort of feelings / attraction for blade it would take a LOT of work )

[decoysouled]

unprompted asks // accepting // @astrcls. "how --- " jing yuan's voice cracks on the first syllable; he pauses, clears his throat, and tries again, this time taking a seat alongside blade as he does. "how are you feeling ? those wounds look ... terribly painful, my friend." ( 'my friend.' in the halcyon years of old, he would have called him 'ā-xing,' and he would have kissed everywhere that hurt. these days, all jing yuan can do is as much as blade will let him. all he can do is ache in silence for someone he held --- holds --- so dear. ) "i've brought you something." jing yuan sets a steaming bowl down in front of blade. once upon a time, yingxing ( and dan feng ) would have loved this: a spicy hot-pot dish, made with duck and tofu and all manner of healthy, hearty vegetables. if jing yuan's eyes water again, he'll blame the spices. and then he reaches out, brushing his fingertips against one of blade's bandages in a gentle, troubled manner. "will you let me change these for you ?"

THERE IS NO PLACE FOR EMOTION — the weapon bristles at such an implication, at the idea that it could feel anything at all. The man does not focus on the pain, the agony that should have preceded delicious death if only mortality had not been stolen from him long ago by a traitor who had abandoned him as soon as he had forced upon him this fate. The man falters. The weapon fades. All that is left is what remains in-between the two.

( do you remember ██: once you would be tending to his wounds. you would bandage his hands & press light kisses to his fingertips & you would be filled with love love love for someone you could not have — i do not remember this. )

Pain has been a state he has lived within for so long that he has forgotten what it feels like — it is saved for his memories, for the phantom feeling of a sword through his wrist that pinned him down, of standing & allowing himself to be killed time & time again until he was an empty shell & nothing more. It is reserved for days of the past, for things he can no longer recall, for people who no longer exist.

( do you remember ██: he used to cook for you & he would tend to your own wounds just like this. he would show off his skills, call for your attention, & ███ would encourage you to watch. he would grin at your attention with fondness & ███ would laugh along with him — i do not remember this. )

❝They will heal.❞ Ren speaks, his voice irrevocably weak in a way it has not been in a long time. It is pained despite the way he dismisses the idea — there is no point in caring for agony, it is an old friend that haunts him; it is like a lover that refuses to fade from memory. ❝I'm used to this.❞ To hurting, to refusing himself the comforts of treating wounds that will either fade or remain forever. There is no point in treating a weapon: if a blade cracks, it must simply be replaced.

( do you remember ██: when he was away at war, you would sit & write him letters & read his over & over again. you would spend your days hoping for his return, overworking to take your mind off it & even ███ could not drag you away from the forge like you usually allowed him to — i do not remember this. )

❝You didn't need to cook for me.❞ These words are spoken in a tone that is slightly softer, albeit it is still sharp & rough, as if he cannot file down his edges no matter how he tries. The weapon does not like this gentleness, forged for war by the suffering of a thousand deaths. The man is not sure how to feel or if he would like to feel anything at all. Ren falls silent as he gathers some of the food on a spoon, raising it to his lips.

( do you remember ██: he used to call you ā-██ & hold your hand when you asked him to. you used to hand him gifts with a timidity not typical of you & he would tease you for it, yet he & ███ would act as if you had given them the blessings of an aeon & more — i do not remember this. )

When those fingers ( oh so gently ) touch his bandages, the weapon wishes to jerk away, to rebuff him & spit venom at him for how dare he treat something built for cruelty as if it were not? The man wishes to crumble beneath it, to cling to the last vestiges of a life once-lived. Ren does neither, only stares down at the hotpot, attempts to decipher the taste of something familiar despite how he does not recall having ever eaten this at all.

❝Why... are you treating me with such kindness, Jing Yuan?❞ Questions the weapon, words spoken plainly & with a hint of anxiety from the man. Ren, the sum of both, does not enjoy the complexity of this emotion — has he ever been treated like this, like something that could be loved? ❝You do not need to pay the price. You do not need to care for me as if you wish for it to save you.❞

( do you remember ██: there is nothing to remember. you recall nothing. you used to be a person, but now you are simply a sword & that is all you will ever be. you will die someday like you have always wanted, elio will make sure of this. you are a blank slate, a tool. you are to die & die & when all is over, you will rise once more to meet your final demise — i remember this. )

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #astrcls #addressed to — jing yuan (astrcls)

[decoysouled]

botanical headcanons // accepting. @resolutepath // oak :   who would your muse consider the strongest person they know ?   (blade)

To Blade, physical strength is an attribute he values for himself & others. When it comes to the discussion of who is the strongest person he knows in terms of raw power (without the ability to manipulate others or see their moves, as those are things he views more as skills / individual strengths) then that person would be Dan Feng / Yinyue-jun.

Even if Yinyue-jun exists only in his memory, there is nobody else he could claim had greater power, both when it came to the destruction of others & his healing abilities, both of which Blade once witnessed during his mortal lifetime. That time is long gone now, a set of blurry years, marred by the deterioration of his mind due to being mara-struck. To Blade, no one else has ever come quite as close to the way Dan Feng once destroyed him.

When it comes to emotional strength, he would say Kafka to be the strongest person he knows. Her inability to feel fear is a point of interest to him & he believes it means she remains uncompromised emotionally — this alone is something that Blade has never really experienced, consumed by rage & pain for as long as he can remember, his past twisted into something far more painful, good memories having long since faded away.

If he were more like her, he thinks he might not be so angry at the universe for the fate he has been given. Nonetheless, he would also claim himself as emotionally strong, even if he isn't truly — to Blade, Kafka is simply far stronger than the rest of them in her resolve.

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #resolutepath #( i'll get to the other two soon )

[decoysouled]

unprompted asks // accepting // @astrcls. it isn't right. it isn't right, and jing yuan knows it isn't --- but if he closes his eyes and lets his imagination and memory fill in the gaps in equal parts, he can almost dream that dark hair is white again, that stormy eyes are once more a lovely shade of blue. he can almost remember the heat and the smell of the forge, and all of yingxing's frustration at being forced to abandon his creations for the evening. ( he can almost turn the man in front of him into the man who once was. it's so terribly unfair. jing yuan hates himself for this, among a great many other things. he pushes the sentiment back down and holds it there, until the bubbles stop coming up. ) --- at least the blanket he offers is warm, as is the tea; at least his touch is impossibly gentle as he sits down alongside a dead-yet-not friend, letting their knees bump together as he holds out his hands expectantly, waiting for blade to show him the bandages on his own. "they're due for a change," he says to not-yingxing, "will you let me ?" a beat, and then: "how are you feeling ?"

THE GENTLENESS JING YUAN TREATS HIM WITH IS NOT FOR HIM, that much Ren is sure of — it is guilt, perhaps, for not stopping the events that had created the monster who stole the body of a man; or it is a devotion to the memory of someone who no longer exists. For the person once-loved, whose empty shell he now inhabits, & yet this care is so achingly familiar that Yingxing ( with whom Blade shares this shattered soul ) must have received it.

Then it is habit, the way Jing Yuan had wrapped him in a blanket & offered him tea as if he knows that Ren is hungry for warmth, the sort of which he cannot recall having ever felt in his life. It is habit, the way the other sits so very close & asks to change the bandages on never-healing wounds as if he is used to it.

( was it him, then, who wrapped Yingxing's wounds? was it him, then, who tended to his past so diligently? )

Ren wishes he could understand why it is that Jing Yuan shows him such concern after all he has done — after witnessing the man's grief at what had become of once-friends. He had expected to lose these moments, too, after Jing Yuan had witnessed the results of his grudges, the spearing of Dan Feng someone else the other once had loved at the hands of a blade who did not know compassion or mercy.

( he cannot understand why it was not held against him. he doesn't know if he wishes it had been, or if he is grateful. )

❝I feel fine, Jing Yuan. You need not worry yourself.❞ Ren responds, not quite ready to confront all the ways he is not & all the ways he cannot remember having ever been alright — for how could he be, when he has been slain more times than he can count? How can he be, when at the ends of old friends, he was turned into a monster? Dan Feng had splintered his soul, but it was Jingliu who had formed it into a weapon.

He wonders if Jing Yuan would have done the same, for three must always pay a price & perhaps in one timeline, Jingliu was not the one who destroyed him. He does not think of that any longer than he has to.

It takes him a while to unfurl his fingers from around the teacup, almost empty yet not quite, & place it down. It takes even longer for Ren to bare his hands to the other, to shrug off the blanket & show arms covered in bandages as if they will do anything to stave off the shaking & the phantom pains that will linger long after he heals from unending wounds.

❝I will allow you to tend to me.❞ He mumbles, & it feels like he is admitting defeat, but Jing Yuan is gentle & kind & patient with him, so Ren feels he should allow him such small indulgences as caring for the ghost of a friend. He does not think of how Jing Yuan treats him as if he was once more than that. He wonders if the other ever thinks of it, too.

❝I am... sorry.❞ For your grief. For the pain I have caused you. For worrying you. The rest of the words do not escape his throat & he wonders if Jing Yuan can understand what Ren is trying to apologise for — for fighting Jingliu in front of him, for hurting Dan Heng ( even if it is his right to seek retribution ), for not being the person that Jing Yuan yearns to see, even in memory.

I am sorry for becoming a monster.

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #astrcls #( jy is good at drawing out the humanity in him tbh ) #( & the parts of yingxing's memory that still live within )

[decoysouled]

unprompted asks // always accepting // @apocryphis. " ... she bailed again, didn't she." arms crossed over her chest and foot tapping impatiently at the ground beneath her sole, topaz gauges the man before her, sizing him up (geez, she has met threatening types in her lifetime, but there is something positively chilling about... this one). conjuring her phone to look at her latest text exchange with the cunning silver wolf, she notices a new message yet unread; opens it, reads it... and sighs. "should've known." she grumbles under her breath; before reporting her attention to the man before her. "so, you must be 'bladie', huh? she says in her text that she'd send a 'gloomy-looking guy' in her stead. but... i assume you have no interest in paying up her debt any more than i plan on taking credits from anyone who doesn't actually owe the ipc a debt." this girl, she swears. " ... did she send you here to kill me, or did she con you into showing up instead of her?"

FROM THE MOMENT SILVER WOLF HAD MADE HER REQUEST, Ren should have known that she had some sort of scheme she didn't deem important enough to inform him existed. Next time, he would make it a point to ask her of the exact reason she needed him to meet with her associates ( or perhaps debt collector was a more accurate term ) instead of going herself — whether the answer would be fraught with lies or sweetened by honesty, Blade would not be able to tell.

It would, at the very least, allow him some recourse when confronting her later on, rather than the quick & quiet agreement he so often met her with.

It seems that he is not the only one Silver Wolf has lied to today, although such knowledge is an empty comfort that leaves him feeling more exasperated than he was before. Some days, her schemes remind him much of someone he knew in the past, distant memories rising to his mind that he can never quite grasp — it's for the best that he has forgotten, he is aware, but some days he hopes for more than reminders in the vague form of emotions swelling in his withering heart.

( there are few he recalls & even fewer of them that do not leave him with burning anger in his chest. )

❝She's otherwise engaged.❞ Blade's voice cuts through the silence that is left by his thoughts, albeit he doesn't deem it necessary to respond to the woman who stands in front of him — it is only the use of that nickname ( annoying & detestable, few are allowed to use it & even then, it is only because he sees no reason to argue with the likes of Kafka ) that elicits anything beyond silent acknowledgement.

❝Call me that again,❞ he states slowly, ❝& I will see to it that you become acquainted with the wrong end of my sword.❞ It is the same threat he once repeated to a familiar face, the likes of which once followed a friend to the ends of the earth, now whisked away by the express & the enemy that Ren could never rid himself of.

When the trailblazer had been the one to use that nickname, Blade had been far milder in his tone, for remembrance left all with melancholy for the moments it lasted.

Or perhaps it was familiarity & duty that had let them be spared, something he did not owe to any member of the IPC, whose ships he once had torn through with the shattered sword ( made by expert hands that knew how to create the most wondrous of weapons, wielded by shaking ones that remember only how to destroy ) that one hand remains on at all times. That had been in search of someone, with a purpose & righteous anger, none of which he feels at this current point.

& perhaps that is all that saves her from his blade at her throat, instead having earned his irritation & cutting words. That, & the fact she has yet to wrong him, & thus there is no reason for her to be skewered if it isn't yet necessary.

❝Even if you had interest, I wouldn't have offered.❞ Ren says this like it is something she should already know, as if it is a reminder. Perhaps he has said something like this before to a different face, in a different time, or perhaps they have never left his lips before at all. ❝Her debts are hers alone. The only debt I am interested in is one the likes of you are not privy to.❞ The debt he has personal stakes in is one signed by spilled blood & the abundance itself.

( signed so long ago that he can only recall who it was who forced this contract of immortality upon him, whose ghost he has chased like a second shadow. the living remnant of a dead man is better than having nothing at all to show his wrath. )

❝I believe she sent me here to intimidate you.❞ He adds after several minutes of quiet, uncertain if it is the actual reason, but it is the only one he can come up with & thus, it is his decision to pass on his assumption — if it turns out he's wrong, then this woman will never need to know. ❝I've no interest in your death nor in engaging in combat with you. It's unnecessary. Next time, I'll make sure she sends someone else.❞

After all, if he has been sent to negotiate instead of scare, then Silver Wolf would have been better off sending Kafka to deal with her debts.

#002. ❝transmissions: down with the fallen.❞ — answered #& fandom — honkai star rail #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #apocryphis #addressed to — topaz (apocryphis)

[decoysouled]

what are you seeking?

PEACE.

"i survived because the fire in me burned brighter than the fire around me."

oh, little soldier, how long have you been at war with yourself? how much of yourself have you lost to the fire that's made its home in your heart? oh, but who can blame you? for as long as you can remember, you've had to face the world alone. all bared teeth and bloody knuckles. you learned young the only person you could rely on was yourself, didn't you? learned that the others would leave you to the wolves?

and so you learned how to fight, how to stand tall even if you stood alone, how to shed the softness that wounded you before. but that isn't very sustainable, is it? the embers you swallowed, the fire you cloaked yourself in, it doesn't just burn the world around you. you have watched piece after piece of you go up in smoke: your hope, your smile, your mercy. what you seek is an end to the seemingly endless burning.

and, little phoenix, you deserve it. please, breathe out. lean on me. the world isn't as cruel as you've made it out to be: it is okay to stop fighting. it is okay to let go of that anger. there is so much more to you, so much more that you have. the serenity you seek can be granted, but only once you are willing to work on letting go of the hate you've harboured for so long now.

#& post — dash games #& fandom — honkai star rail #009. ❝vessels: the order.❞ — headcanons #134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main )

[decoysouled]

TAG DUMP // BLADE, CAELUS.

#134. ❝plant your curse under my skin.❞ — blade #135. ❝i cannot stop this sickness taking over.❞ — V1 ( main ) #136. ❝you can’t be lost if you’ve gone awol.❞ — V2 ( genshin impact ) #137. ❝wake me when the new day comes.❞ — V3 ( yingxing ) #128. ❝go on then icarus; take your turn.❞ — caelus #129. ❝pull the wool out from your eyes.❞ — V1 ( hsr ) #130. ❝follow me once more into the breach.❞ — V2 ( genshin impact ) #& verse — 2.1 ( present ) #& verse — 2.2 ( past ) #& verse — 2.3 ( of teyvat ) #131. ❝some reality got a hold of me.❞ — V3 ( modern )