#2. the certainty that I’m fine actually? I’m fine. look I wrote 50k and also I went to work every day

[sleepymaddy]

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#me.txt #just realized I am unironically that ‘could a depressed person have made this???’ meme #except instead of whatever it is in the episode #it’s 50k of the most boring and plain fiction ever written #spread over like 15 projects bc it was the only way to avoid the physically painful waves of shame and loathing over my ideas #this is something I should discuss in therapy but idek what I’m on about #so I really don’t know how I could. explain it? #things to tackle then: #1. my inability to estimate mood #and for that I need to fill in her journal thing but like #I can identify good or bad things but it doesn’t translate into a mood #I know there are days that are supposed to be good but? they didn’t really feel different #2. the certainty that I’m fine actually? I’m fine. look I wrote 50k and also I went to work every day #also I haven’t been crying as much #so clearly it was hormonal and I’m fine. as mom said. #I just have to find a job I like and then I’ll be fixed and it’s on me for not doing that earlier #maybe also do sports and it’ll be fine. i just don’t bc I’m too lazy and so I feel bad in direct correlation or punishment #3. that anxiety scenario thing has been plaguing me for two weeks #the concept of having to write it and then read it out loud and then record it and then listen to it? nope. cant. the shame is like. lethal #4. but it ties into 2; looked for a psychiatrist and didn’t find one #but also feeling very silly about the whole thing? i don’t need meds. I’m fine. i wrote 50k this month. i even enjoyed things #like that movie and being able to focus on a character #that’s a sign I’m fine. it’s proof I’m fine and that I’m not focusing on work or doing the other important tasks #only out of laziness and bc I’m a bad and selfish person who’s going to get what’s coming to her #…..yeah. i don’t want to go. #but I also wanted to disappear very very very badly when I woke up this morning so probably I should eh #other vague threads: the job from a distance and the life I should have #and the devaluing of nano while it also being the proof I’m fine