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lonelylittletransgirl · 4 years

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3:40am - 04/05/2020

14 weeks since i’ve talked to the boy, almost 15; i guess technically only two weeks if we’re talking about me being stupid and messaging him, but 14 weeks since he’s spoken to me, and i’m finally ready to talk about it.

when i met him he was magical, i fell for him instantly, it’d only been a few months after i finally got upset enough with Lisa to leave the remains of that friendship behind, and i was feeling a little down with how little social success i was having with the start of college. I remember standing around in the lecture hall before a test, his class was before mine, and i followed a group of people i wanted to be friends with in. he and i both stood awkwardly among our friend groups, this wasnt our first time meeting, but putting our awkwardness aside, it was the first time we spoke, and the start of his era in my life.

the semester rolled forward, and my mental health spiraled, i was facing a daily struggle of do i put gas in my car or do i eat, can i afford that snack while editing at 4am or was i just to go hungry until lunch as not to disrupt my precarious eating schedule. i was stressed about how low my grades where, how tired i always was working an abusive job that paid well below industry standard on the nights i wasn't up fixing group project issues at 4am in the learning commons, sleeping in my car didnt help, but it gave me an extra hour between late nights and early mornings saved off my commute, ontop of saving gas, it wasn’t that bad but was certainly not helping. my mother was driving me insane, like she always does, and i was willing to do anything to keep out of the house, i just... lost control of my life, and completely stopped caring, and this is where he really stepped in. skip a class because im too numb to focus, he’s by my side in the learning commons, someone to talk to, send memes to, keep me entertained, i couldn't go home, my mother would notice im not in class, but i just couldn't drag myself into the classroom every day.

jump forward into the summer... or really... middle spring, probably late may... early june... our mutual friend xander needed some furniture for his new room, the boy and i kept promising to see eachother over the summer, i finally invite him to come to ikea with xander and me, so... we all went together, and after dropping xander off i go back to boys house with him for the first time, and this leads us into the start of the summer.

we see each other often, always initiated by me, but never unwelcomed by him, the exact timeline is all a blur now, but i remember canada day, going to his grandparents house with him, his whole family was lovely, they where so much more functional and kinder than my own, i had an anxiety attack at some point during the day but only the boy and his brother knew, that day really stands out to me because it had been the first time in years id felt accepted by everyone around me, i was able to be myself, i was with people i enjoyed, i had no stresses and it felt euphoric. I remember that night distinctly for entirely different reasons though, it started off well, the boy and i went to milton to see the fireworks from outside the old highschool, a place my dad used to take me and my brother when he was still in our lives, i got a sunburn on my back despite using sunscreen, clearly not enough, and i remember the boy laughing at me because it was a really bad burn in the shape of the bralette i wore in place of a swim top, it was all fun, until the drive home. driving him back to his house something felt wrong, i dont know what, but i remember bursting into tears, this wasnt the first time i cried around him, and certainly wasnt the last, but it really stands out as a night that changed a lot about how he felt towards my emotions. going back to the first time i cried around him, we went on a bike ride on the trails around his house, i borrowed his moms bike and he rode his, at some point he started biking really fast away from me until he reached a house, a house i learned later was the house of someone who hurt him years ago, i... dont exactly recall how i felt about it, but we biked back to the school nearly beside his house, the sky dark at this point, and he went off sitting alone in the field. something about.. him biking away from me, not telling me anything, then leaving his bike on the fence and running into the field away from me, it felt for the first time i can completely recall, like he was starting to push me away, i remember walking up to him in the field, i was already holding back tears at this point and he could tell, he asked what was wrong and i completely collapsed into tears over how i felt. i recall rambling on about my dad, my mothers ex, my mother herself, and my history with abandonment, isolation, and how him leaving me like that made me feel; i remember him holding me, keeping my hair out of my face, stroking it gently while pushing it away, softly telling me its all okay, he apologized, explained everything, and after my eyes where clear enough to walk past his mom not looking like id just bawled my eyes out, combined with the incoming thunderstorm approaching over us as we laid in the grass up at the starts, we headed back to his house.back at his house was rather uneventful, i remember laying beside him in his bed, we watched some youtube, shortly after getting back to his house i left fearing the incoming storm, roughly... around midnight if i had to guess, keeping in mind this is before i was allowed to stay over past his midnight curfew.

moving along through the summer we come to another important night, it was similar to the bike ride night, a humid summer evening, this night i remember fewer details about, but we where laying in his bed, being idiots, i recall him showing me how to act more feminine for a man, sitting on his lap, wrapping myself around him, it was all in play, nothing serious, but i did really like him, and he knew it. at some point the play turned into me laying on his bed, arms at my side, he’s hovering over me in a playfully dominant way, we joke about being ontop of one another with both of us being so submissive, we never take it seriously, but something was different; he looked in my eyes and there was a glimmer to his, “what do you want?” he asked, i told him he already knows, after playing dumb a little more, he starts softly kissing my neck... it was a strange feeling, not unwelcome, but not rough enough for me, he was very gentle, pausing to make sure i was okay, asking for consent often, finally, he looks into my eyes, and says once more “what?” while giggling, i just stare back up at him, after a few seconds he says “i know what you want” and leans in to kiss me, then again, and before i knew it we where making out, and kept it going for a few minutes... until his mother knocked on the door telling us it was past his curfew. and thats the story of my first kiss, and the first time the boy kissed me, i... felt euphoric again, i remember feeling on top of the fucking world for days following, i was so happy, and so in love, and was now completely enamored with this boy.

there where more fun filled summer days, we never kissed again after that, but there was still occasional cuddling, by my request, lots of hugs, and i was still babe and he was still the boy i loved. i guess the first time i really started to feel envious was during pride, we went as a group, myself, the boy, our mutual friend chris, and some other friends from their group discord. the day started out great, it was my first pride and there was so many people, so much excitement, it was all happening and starting out fun. partway pretty early through the day one of the boys ex’s met up with us though, and really stole all of his attention from me, i tried to hide that i was upset, the rest of his friends left to go home leaving just me the boy and his ex, but eventually it became too much, i decided to go home alone, so they dropped me off at the subway station, and turned around, walking away without even saying goodbye. the second i was through the doors to the subway i burst into tears, i felt like an idiot crying most of the train ride home, the drive home, i felt like shit that whole night, and it really hurt to see the boy i loved with someone else. i put that day behind us though, and enjoyed the rest of the summer with him.

Fall arrived, he went back to school, my depressed spiral into mental illness landed me on academic suspension, meaning a year of no school, so i did not. we where separated much of that time, we would see each other maybe bi-weekly, we grew distant, not by choice, i really wanted to see him all the time, and he accommodated whenever he could.

at some point, i dont remember when, but we had a fight, he got mad at me for acting like his girlfriend, he reinforced that we aren't dating, we aren't a couple, he made sure i knew he was gay, and only liked men, and i dont remember the outcome of that fight, but his mom found out, and told him to bring me back. his mom was such a dear, she loved her family, baked every week, cooked meals for them all constantly, always took me into consideration and always offered me something, she would even go out of her way to accommodate my pickiness, and always found something that worked despite the boy being vegetarian and me being picky. she took the boy and i to the mall, boy always joked with me that my bras where too childish, and i did only have three, so his mom took the opportunity to teach me about bras, and the wonders of them, and all the things id need to know after starting hormone therapy. after that he was pretty accepting of my presence, we where very active in the discord, talking for hours a day, it kept me entertained at work and him in class, along with all the friends in it, and the next major turning point was the introduction of rowan.

its now 4:47am, to be continued later

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themoneybuff-blog · 6 years

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Which New Car Would You Buy?

Last week via email, reader David Hatch asked: If you were going to buy a new car, what would you get do you think? I wrote a short email replythen decide this topic is worth a deeper dive (of only for my own personal edification). You see, Kim and I have been talking about cars lately. Mine is fifteen years old and hers is over twenty. Although both are running fine, we realize that well have to replace one (or both) of them in the near future. When we do, what will we buy? What kind of new car is right for Kim? What kind of car is right for me? Lets start by looking at the cars Ive owned in the past. Every Car Ive Ever Owned I am not a car guy. Even though I can appreciate nice cars, I dont have any desire to own them. Im not sure why. Maybe its because my parents never had nice cars when I was a kid. They had practical, serviceable vehicles that got the job done. During my 33 years of driving, Ive owned five cars. In high school, I inherited my fathers 1980 Datsun 310 GX. I drove that little red beast until it died during my senior year of college. I had a lot of fun with the Datsun, but I treated it poorly. The best part about this car was that I could perform a lot of the maintenance myself even though I dont have much mechanical knowledge. (Driven from March 1985 to March 1991 six years.) After the Datsun died, Dad bought me a $1000 Ford Tempo as a college graduation present. It was a POS from the start. I drove it for less than six months before giving up on it. (Driven from March 1991 to September 1991 six months.) When I landed my first job (which turned out to be the worst job I ever had), I also bought my first new car: a 1992 Geo Storm. Naturally, I bought it on creditbefore Id even received a paycheck. I loved that $12,000 car the entire time I owned it. (Driven from September 1991 to December 2000 9.25 years.) On 01 December 2000, a semi sideswiped my Geo Storm on the freeway during morning traffic. The car spun 360+ degrees before striking an overpass guardrail, deploying the airbag. The car was totalled; fortunately, I wasnt hurt.

After the accident, I purchased a brand-new 2001 Ford Focus from a friend who worked at a local dealership. I paid $15,000. I hated that car from Day One. It was awful. (I should have read the Consumer Reports reviews before buying; I would have steered clear!) I bought that vehicle with a loan too. (Driven from December 2000 to April 2009 8.25 years.) In 2009, after years of dreaming about it, I realized I could afford to buy a used Mini Cooper. By this point, Id been writing GRS for three years, so I put my own advice into practice. I shopped around. I bought used. I paid $15,000 cash. Ive owned that 2004 Mini Cooper for more than nine years now. In fact, as of this month, its the car Ive owned longest in my lifetime.

As you can tell, when I buy a car, I tend to drive it for a long time. I rarely (if ever) get the new car itch. I wish I could say this was because Im rational about my car-buying decisions, but thats not it. Im just not a car guy. (Computers, though? Well, I want to upgrade my computer every year. I am a computer guy.) But David didnt ask about the cars Ive owned in the past. He asked what car Id buy new. What Kim and I Own Now Kim and I have been thinking about this question for a couple of years now. Neither of us is eager to buy a new vehicle, but from a pragmatic perspective, were both going to have to do so relatively soon. I currently own the afore-mentioned 2004 Mini Cooper (with roughly 150,000 miles) and a 2016 Harley-Davidson Street 750 motorcycle.Kim owns a 1997 Honda Accord (with roughly 240,000 miles) and a 2005 Harley-Davidson Sportster motorcycle. Both of our cars run about like youd expect. Kims is very reliable and never has major maintenance issues. It also has air conditioning that works. (The Mini has a coolant leak that Im unwilling to pay to have fixed, so we no longer use it for long summer trips.) Ive had to spend a few thousand to repair the Mini over the past couple of years, but its running fine at this moment. Ive been setting aside $600 per month in my car fund, Kim told me the other day. Before our RV trip, she was saving for a new car, but she cashed out that money to help pay for our travels. I have about $12,000 saved now. Thats not enough for a new car especially not for a Tesla Model 3 but its a start. You plan to sell your Honda to the girls at some point, right? I asked. We know two sisters who should be getting their licenses soon. Kim has promised them they can have her Honda for $500. Yep, Kim said. Thats the plan. But should I do that if I dont have enough saved to pay cash for a new car? Thats a tough question, I said. You could always drive my Mini Cooper to work. I dont use it much during the week. And for about half the year, I could ride my motorcycle instead. Im not sure what Id do during the winter. Well, are you still thinking about buying a beater pickup? Kim asked. Since moving to our country cottage last summer, weve come to realize that our lives would be much easier if we had something that would let us haul lumber and ladders and dirt and gravel and plants and furniture and so on. Im hoping to find a small pickup that runs well priced at a few thousand dollars. Yes, I still think the pickup is a good idea, I said. And that could certainly be my winter ride. I guess we dont have to make any decision yet, Kim said. We dont have to decide anything until one the girls learns how to drive. What Kind of Car Would I Buy? Although I spend most of my road time in vehicles that are fifteen or twenty years old, this year Ive had a lot of exposure to modern cars. During both my trip to Florida in January and my trip around the Southeast in April, I rented a car. Ive spent four weeks of 2018 essentially test-driving modern mid-sized sedans. They all feel like theyre from the future. (I think I had a Nissan Versa for one trip and a Hyundai Elantra for the other.) Ill admit: I like some of the new features. Back-up cameras are kind of cool. Sound systems that automatically pair with your phone are awesome. I like the whole keyless thing, too. (The other night, Kim pointed out that her car was so old that we still have to hand-crank the windows!) While visiting Nashville in April, a friend gave me a ride in his new $150,000 Mercedes. Holy cats! The interior of that thing was like the U.S.S. Enterprise (the fancy Picard-era Enterprise, not the utilitarian Kirk-era Enterprise). I have no desire to own a luxury automobile, but I can certainly appreciate the design touches. If Kim were to buy a new car, shed buy the Tesla Model 3. Shes a fan of electric vehicles. If she cant afford a Tesla when it comes time to buy a new car, I suspect shell end up with a Honda or Toyota hybrid. (Im not sure, though. I havent asked her.) She just wants a comfortable, reliable car to get to and from work, and for us to use on long road trips. Me? Well, Ive delayed answering this question for more than 1000 words because I dont really know which car Id buy if I had to buy a new car. Lets think it through together. I prefer smaller cars. I have zero desire to own a modern truck or SUV. I dont want a minivan. I dont want a large sedan. I like vehicles with small footprints. Theyre easier to park, fuel efficient, and generally more agile.I like something a little sporty. Im not a fast driver, but I do like to be able to accelerate now and then, either to overtake another car or to enjoy twisty country roads.I want a car with ample cargo space. As I mentioned earlier, I haul stuff all the time, so I want a vehicle that lets me carry stuff from the hardware store. Itd also be nice if I could transport a kayak or two. (Believe it or not the Mini has decent cargo room. It certainly has more usable cargo space than Kims Accord.) Based on this, Id focus my search on three classes of vehicles: compact pickup trucks, compact cars, and subcompact cars. Unfortunately, compact pickup trucks are a dying breed. Yes, Ford is bringing back the Ranger in a few months, but currently there are only five options in this category. The only one that gets good reviews is the Honda Ridgeline, and that costs $30,000 or more. There arent many options in the world of subcompact cars, either. Most of those options also get poor reviews (and low customer satisfaction scores). There are plenty of choices in the world of compact cars, however, and at prices that dont scare me. Both the Toyota Corolla and Toyota Prius are highly-rated and affordable. That said, if I bought a compact car, Id probably pursue a Mazda 3 or Hyundai Elantra. Plus, Id have to consider the modern Mini Cooper. (My ex-wifes boyfriend is a mechanic and fellow Mini fan. Hes warned me that newer Minis are both larger and less reliable, so Im skeptical that Id choose a Mini again. But I do love mine.)

The Bottom Line So, which new car would I purchase? Honestly, I dont know. I dont want to buy a new car, and I hope I dont have to make this sort of decision for many years. Having said that, I am absolutely in the market for a beat-up but reliable pickup preferably a compact pickup. Something like this seems perfect:

As a wildcard, I suppose a used Subaru Outback might be a smart choice for me also. (Actually, a Subaru Outback would be an excellent choice for our current lifestyle.) The older I get, the more I view vehicles as tools. Theyre not status symbols for me. I dont get an adrenaline rush from a souped-up sports car. Right now, I want a car that runs reliably, allows me to haul stuff, and doesnt take up a lot of space. Thats it. (Except when we take long road trips which happens two or three times each year I dont care about comfort.) Realistically speaking, heres what I expect will happen: One of the girls will get her license in the next year. Kim will sell the Honda to her for $500.Kim and I will pool money to buy her a new car. It wont be the Tesla Model 3 that she wants so badly. Itll be a Subaru Outback or a hybrid Toyota or Honda.I will continue to drive the Mini Cooper until it is well and truly dead. At that time or perhaps before Ill buy a beater pickup for use around the homestead. (Yes, we may end up having three cars at some point but only for a little while.) What about you? If you had to buy a new car, what would you buy? Why? What features are important to you? Are there certain makes or models that you prefer? Refuse to consider? And based on what Ive told you here, what kind of car would you recommend for me? https://www.getrichslowly.org/which-new-car/

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themoneybuff-blog · 6 years

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Which New Car Would You Buy?

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themoneybuff-blog · 6 years

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Which New Car Would You Buy?

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