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rjhpandapaws · 3 years

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A Weaker Man Would Walk Away

Chapter 1: Is It Really a Rookie Mistake If You Make It Twice?

Gavin was thrilled for his promotion. A detective at long last. They were going out to celebrate tonight and come tomorrow he would be partnered with Lieutenant Anderson for training. Gavin hoped to follow in his footsteps, to become successful, respected and well liked. Working along side him was the first step toward that. Hank was well liked at the station both for his skills as a detective and because of his compassion. He was even taking time out of his evening to join them at Gavin’s promotion party. Gavin was thankful for that, considering as Hank was married and probably had better things to be doing with his night than drinking with a bunch of patrol officers. “Quit staring Gavin.” Tina’s voice pulled him out of his reprieve, “You’re technically not a detective until tomorrow, so get back to work. You can ogle the married man at your party tonight; for now you have to at least pretend to concentrate.” “I am concentrating Tina.” Gavin remarked as he pulled his attention back toward his computer. “On your work dumbass, not the Lieutenant.” She said dryly and Gavin flipped her off. “Don’t you have something you should be doing?” Gavin asked with faux annoyance to his voice, “Aside from bugging me that is.” Tina grinned, “Nope. Unlike you, I’m all caught up.”

Gavin had passed drunk a couple shots ago. If he were a smarter man he probably would have stopped; but it really couldn’t be considered a celebration if someone didn’t make a few poor decisions. Gavin was the right man for the job, bad decisions were his specialty. That, and Hank seemed to be drunk enough to finally start looking his way. Had he been a better man, or sober, he probably would have kept his distance. Unfortunately he was neither of those things. They left in the same cab, and that should have been where things stopped, but Gavin’s decisions were being made by the alcohol coursing through his system. So he invited Hank inside. The idea was that they would have a few more drinks and then Hank would be on his way. The drinks at the very least got prepared, but they were quickly forgotten in favor of giving into temptation. Gavin had drunkenly confessed his interest, and Hank had suggested that one night couldn’t hurt. The drinks were left forgotten on the counter in favor of satisfying curiosity and lust. No feelings, no strings, just getting out of their systems before fraternization became an issue. A one time thing that would be buried come morning. They wouldn’t do it again, or, at least, that had been the plan.

The morning after was easy, comfortable even. Hank inhabited his space like he had done it for years instead of a single night. Comfortable was dangerous, Gavin knew that, but he couldn’t help but relish in it. For the sake of saving face, Hank took a cab to work while Gavin took his car. Tina knew at the very least, but they still wanted to avoid questions. They were professional partners now, and this sort of thing wasn’t exactly allowed. Not that Jeffery was a stickler about it, but better safe than sorry. Their unspoken something was always simmering just beneath the surface. It came out in looks, lingering touches, and suggestive commentary. What was only supposed to happen once happened again a few months down the line when neither of them could take it any longer. Ezra was gone for the weekend so they made an event out of it. They parted ways on Sunday with the empty promise that they wouldn’t do this again; but Hank still kissed him and Gavin still chased it. This was wrong, and the last thing Gavin wanted was to be Hank’s dirty secret. Neither of them had admitted to the feelings they knew were there, so it was easy to pretend that he wasn’t. Then Ezra had gotten pregnant, so like a good husband would Hank pulled away from him, and Gavin had to pretend it didn’t hurt. Hank was married, he had a life. Gavin had been something to pass the time. He had known that from the start, but it didn’t do anything to soothe the hollow ache in his chest.

While Hank did his thing, Gavin tried to move on as well. If Hank could let this go so easily, Gavin could do it too. Except three years later when Hank called him and was miserable about the divorce, Gavin fell back into the mess he thought he was over. They weren’t partners anymore, so there was a little more distance between them, professionally at the very least. Gavin took him out for drinks to help him forget. Find him someone to take his mind off of things. It wasn’t supposed to be him. Gavin had promised himself he wouldn’t do this again. Yet, the next morning it felt like something between them had shifted, like something had fallen into place. Gavin was falling in love all over again, but this time it seemed like Hank was falling with him. It was easy and familiar. Cole was quick to find a place in Gavin’s heart as well. Gavin wasn’t sure as time passed if he was in love as much as he once had been, but he was happy and not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. They kept it professional at work so they didn’t formally tell Jeff, but Gavin still had the distinct feeling that the Captain still knew. Gavin would have been more surprised if he hadn’t, he and Hank were long time friends after all. That, and since things had changed between them, Jeff had taken care to keep them on separate cases unless it couldn’t be avoided.

As all of the good things in Gavin’s life tended to, his relationship with Hank ended in a dramatic fashion. They had been drifting apart even before the accident. Gavin liked Hank he supposed, and there were things he found attractive, a lot of them really, but it was hard to believe that Hank would stay around long. After all, wasn’t he in Ezra’s place now? Then the accident had happened. It was the straw that had broken the camel’s back, and like a fool Gavin had stuck around anyway. For a year, until he couldn’t bear to watch Hank slowly kill himself with whiskey any longer. He loved Cole too, and his grief had driven him to pick up smoking again, he had quit for the kid’s sake. They had fought. Gavin had said things he regretted immediately but couldn’t take back. Hank had given is fair share of low blows as well. Gavin had collected his things from the house and left. He might have taken a couple of Hank’s shirts as well, but that was his business. Their relationship had soured quickly, and now they couldn’t even be in the same room without fighting. It was funny how fast in one part of his life could change while everything else remained the same. All the while his private life crumbed to dust beneath his feet, he was still an unranked detective and Hank was still the acting Lieutenant; on the days he bothered to show up anyway.

He was standing out on his balcony in sweats and a Knights of the Black Death shirt that had seen better days. It was in private moments like this that he was willing to admit that he missed Hank, if only to himself and the cigarette smoke that was curling away from him into the night sky. He was ready now to admit that he loved Hank, once perhaps, and maybe even still. He wouldn’t let himself fall though, not again. It was a rookie mistake that he didn’t plan to make for a third time.

#A Weaker Man Would Walk Away #AWMWWA AU #Hankvin #dbh Hank #dbh Gavin #Dbh fic #dbh

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rjhpandapaws · 3 years

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A Weaker Man Would Walk Away

Chapter 2: I Meant All the Things I Never Said

Tw: Cheating, Child Death, Suicidal Ideation, Alcohol Abuse.

Hank could almost convince himself some days that what he had with Gavin hadn’t meant anything to either of them. Almost, but he had loved Hank when Ezra couldn’t, and had even loved Cole when he came along. Even on the night of Gavin’s promotion there had been something just out of reach; the lust had burned too brightly then. In the morning though, he had felt it, the familiar feeling of falling in love. He wasn’t one to cheat, so he had tried to keep his distance. A hard thing to do when Gavin was assigned to be his partner. It was easy to forget and be pulled in. A suggestive remark here, a lingering touch there, and all of the stolen kisses in his car. Hank knew better. He had to be the bigger man; walk away. It would have been easy to blame Gavin. Call him a homewrecker among other things. After all, it wasn’t like his marriage was a secret. It was pretty common knowledge. There was no way Gavin couldn’t have known. Love was a powerful thing though. It pulled Hank to Gavin as much as it seemed to pull Gavin toward him. His promotion night wasn’t even the start of it for Hank; but in a way it marked the point of no return. He had managed to convince himself that he wouldn’t have any consequences to face if he had stopped after that night. Stuck to it being a one night stand and been on his way.

He and Ezra were all but on the rocks by the time Gavin was hired at the station. Even if it had been subconscious at the time, Hank had been looking for a way out. He wasn’t looking to cheat, just someone to talk to about it. An escape of sorts. While they didn’t talk much at first, Gavin became his escape. Gavin, Tina, and Chris were the most interesting of the group of rookies that had been brought on. They had been friends before the academy and being hired which was something that didn’t happen often. Usually you had to make friends from your coworkers. Gavin and his two voices of reason came to the station as a package deal. The breakroom conversations on Mondays were always interesting. Tina or Chris, and sometimes both; getting on Gavin’s case about a fight he had gotten into or any of the other bad decisions he had a tendency to make. Even though the aggressive behavior had only taken place outside of work, Hank had still worried about the kind of cop he would be. He hadn’t needed to though, Gavin was good at what he did for the most part. Gentle when he needed to be, and combative when that worked better. The thing that had surprised Hank the most was how good Gavin was with kids and how much the kids seemed to like him in turn. Whenever he was around kits it was almost like a switch got flipped and Gavin became an entirely different person.

Hank had been the one to put the word in for Gavin’s promotion. His thought process would make him a good detective. He hadn’t thought far enough ahead to the fact that as the only solo detective, Gavin would be his partner. Or that it would lead to the night that changed everything. He had accepted the invitation to the promotion party to be a good partner. The plan had been to have a couple of drinks then head home. He knew the saying about well laid plans, and now, he was definitely in hell. When Gavin had asked him to dance, he didn’t think it would lead to anything. He liked him sure, but he could handle himself. Gavin was young and would bounce back if Hank let him down gently enough. That didn’t stop Hank from thinking though. He wondered what it would be like if he pulled Gavin closer. How would he react? Would the club lights be enough to hide his staring? If he leaned in for a kiss would he be able to blame it on the alcohol? Would it matter? He should have left when he caught himself thinking like that, but he didn’t. Gavin was having a good time with him and Hank was enjoying himself too. It was a night to let go of himself and just be. To enjoy himself without having to walk on eggshells. He should have left then, but without uttering a word Gavin asked him to say, and Hank had been unable to say no.

He should have called it at the cab ride. They lived in opposite directions. He should have put a stop to it then, but he didn’t. Or when Gavin invited him inside for drinks. He could have said no then, but he followed Gavin. On a night of bad decisions, the confession had been the real breaking point. Gavin wanted all of the same things as him, and for one night they could have all of it. Come morning they would be coworkers, but tonight they were free to be in love. Drunk as he was, Hank knew the moment their lips meant there was no way this would be a one time thing. He wouldn’t be able to give up the feel of Gavin against him. There weren’t supposed to be feelings involved, it was the lie they had agreed on; but Hank knew what falling in love felt like. He would not be coming back from this. In the worst place and time he was falling in love all over again. Of course, by the time he noticed it there was nothing he could do to stop it. He loved Gavin and would never be able to tell him. The subtle silver band on his finger held him captive. The morning passed like they had been doing this for years. It passed in a haze of tired kisses, gentle words, and hot coffee. It was natural, and something in Hank broke because of it. After he left the safety of Gavin’s apartment he would have to bury this and pray it stayed down. Suffer in silence in a way that had become familiar since his marriage had stalled.

He had an out. They were professional partners now and there were rules. It was a way to get away from this and correct his mistake. Had he been a better man he would have taken it. Walked away, at the very least until what he had with Ezra crumbled away at long last. If Hank had been stronger it would have only been a matter of waiting. He was weak when it came to Gavin so the next slip up didn’t take long. Ezra had gone on another one of her trips. She would be gone for the weekend so he caved and invited Gavin over. He had known Gavin would accept it; and yet he still held the small hope that he would already have plan. The weekend was an example of all the things they could have had. It passed to quickly for Hank’s liking, but it had been burned into his memory like a brand and it haunted him. Hank had never thought he would have been the one of them to cheat, and he had his suspicions as it was. The line had been so easy to cross with Gavin, like it wasn’t there at all. He had loved Ezra once, but it had never felt like this. It made his marriage feel even more like he was trapped, but this time it had nothing to do with Ezra’s cold distance. It was because he knew now that there was something outside of it worth having. He couldn’t leave though, Ezra had made sure of that.

When the weekend came to an end they promised that they wouldn’t do this again. It had only been words. Hank didn’t know which one of them leaned in first when they came to kiss for what he hoped was the last time, but pulling away had been painful. It felt like giving up; like he was closing the door on all of the good things he could have had. Surrendering in a way. The Ezra had gotten pregnant. Hank was pretty sure the kid wasn’t his, they had stopped trying to patch things up a while before Gavin had been promoted. There was still a chance though, so he resolved to stay. It was the excuse he needed to finally pry himself away from Gavin. Their partnership at work ended pretty soon after that. Gavin had put in to work on his own, and Hank did his best to pretend it hadn’t hurt. Cole changed things for a while. Hank had a living, breathing reason to try and make things work. Gavin even went so far as to act like he was happy for Hank. It was a bitter sort of pain. The kind that came with knowing you were being liked to. Cole was three when Ezra decided she’d had enough of playing house and left them. She had someone waiting in the wings for her and Hank didn’t have the energy to even feign surprise at this point.

He called Gavin, there was no one else he was comfortable with seeing him this weak. They went out. Gavin’s reasoning was that he needed to take his mind off all this and catch his breath. They went out for drinks because that was the way Gavin took his mind off things when burying himself in work wasn’t an option. It worked, because all Hank could think about was the last time they drank together and all the things he would give to have that again. There was nothing to stop him this time. It felt almost like they were just picking up from where they had left off. Cole took to Gavin quickly, and the reverse was just as true. For the first time in a long while, Hank had everything he had ever wanted. He planned to savor it as long as he could. He got three years of bliss, of getting to love Gavin and have a family. Three years that he would give up the rest of his life to get back. All of the things that had changed his life had all taken place in a matter of moments. So it made sense that a moment was all it would take for everything to come crashing down around him. All it had taken was a patch of ice and bad timing. He had lost Cole. He died on the operating table because he had been left in the care of an android. Hank had been the one to tell Gavin, and the second piece of his life began to crumble away.

Gavin dealt with it in the way that he dealt with most things, by burying himself in work. They’d had their issued before this, but losing Cole seemed to be what finally broke them apart. Hank couldn’t blame him, but that didn’t lessen the hurt. In a moment of anger he had snapped and told Gavin he didn’t care if he stuck around or not. He had been drunk, as he often was these days. Gavin had looked at him with a heartbreak that was seared into his memory, packed his things and been gone in the morning. He’d left a note on the door: I love you, but I can’t keep watching you kill yourself like this. He drank. Black Lamb and the pictures he had saved to his phone where the only things he kept of Gavin. The only things he had left really, he didn’t go into work enough to see him. There was one to help him remember the good times, and the other helped him to forget when the pain became too much. It provided him a lot of time to think. About the things he could have done; the things he hadn’t done; and the things he’d done wrong. They all took their turns to haunt him, a relentless tag team of regret and misery. They came in small sharp stabs under the pain and grief of losing Cole. The one thing that could have been changed. Cole would still be alive if only there had been a human there. If Cole were alive, then Gavin probably would have stayed.

It was between glasses of whiskey and the rapid clicks of his spinning revolver barrel that he realized he had never actually told Gavin that he loved him. He had shown it sure, but he had never said the words. Maybe that was what Gavin needed toward the end of things, reassurance that he was loved. Perhaps if he hadn’t been so afraid of those feelings he might have said it. if he hadn’t been such a weak man he might have said something. It was over now though. Too little too late. Even if he were to admit it now, Gavin wouldn’t come back. They were different people now, bitter and broken. So he loved Gavin when he was alone with his thoughts. Where he could mean all of the things he never had the courage to say. Then drink until all of those thoughts had been drowned. He lost the game again tonight and tomorrow he would try again. Maybe he would win and Gavin would never come to know the things Hank had meant to say. There would be no harm done. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. Or so Hank hoped. Unspoken things had a tendency to haunt people.

#A Weaker Man Would Walk Away #AWMWWA AU #Hankvin #dbh Hank #dbh Gavin #dbh fic #dbh #child death tw #cheating tw #suicidal ideation tw #alcohol abuse tw

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