#Ah well if I'm going to get sued by a pensions company I might as well do the thing properly

[the-busy-ghost]

Since I’m now obsessed with the concept of a Scottish widows themed tv series, may I suggest, a four season+ tv show following the life of one immortal black widow as she weaves her way out of one close call after another. 

As the backdrop to her plot we will also see her interact with the stories of real-life widows (though some of the stories may be mildly inaccurate for the Drama), and so I present for your consideration:

Season 1- 1513 to 1528. The Scottish Widow- a daughter of the minor nobility of Midlothian who married an Edinburgh burgess- has lost her first husband at Flodden. The second husband she marries hastily in the aftermath of the battle to protect her business interests is... less convenient than he seems. Her peers include Margaret Crichton (cousin of the late James IV, and widow of another burgess) and the provost’s widow Janet Paterson. Meanwhile the dowager queen of Scots, Margaret Tudor, has her own problems and a certain earl is looking increasingly attractive. As civil unrest develops around 1516 we meet Agnes Stewart, Countess of Bothwell and her new husband Lord Hume (at least until his head ends up on a spike), Isabella Hoppringle the prioress of Coldstream and maybe later Euphemia Leslie of Elcho (not widows but too interesting to leave out- and brides of Christ who involve themselves in wars may be an interesting perspective), and others. The season ends with the Widow’s husband drowning when one of her ships sinks on its way back from Veere and yet she somehow seems to have made money, not lost it...? And now we see her making her way towards the kirk of St Giles in the dark of night while, thirty miles away, a long-lost son rides to his mother at Stirling...

Season 2- 1548-1554- the Rough Wooing is in full swing and the Scottish Widow is over the Forth, having snagged herself an earl and become Countess of Kinross ten years ago. Everyone is vaguely aware that she should at least be in her fifties by now but she doesn’t look a day older than she did in 1528. Fortunately most of her husband’s estates are in Angus and the Borders or she would have to bump into one particular rival much more frequently- Margaret Erskine, widow of Robert Douglas of Lochleven (he died at Pinkie), the favourite mistress of the late James V, and a formidable woman who is not a little miffed that- through some temporary witchcraft or madness- one of the late king’s familiars was granted the new earldom that she believed should have been hers. But any further squabbling is temporarily called to a halt by the order of the dowager queen Mary of Guise and the need to band together to while English ships are raiding the Tay and Forth. 

A whole second season of intrigue follows, the Scottish Widow’s national loyalties and wedding vows are put under strain as both protection money and a handsome and seemingly malleable English lord catch her eye during negotiations. Meanwhile we are also introduced to women like Janet Beaton, lady of Branxholme and Buccleugh (widow of “Wicked Wat” Scott); Janet Stewart, Lady Fleming who is busy making a name for herself on the European stage due to the fall-out from her affair with Henri II of France; Marion Ogilvy, who was as good as married to the late, infamous, Cardinal Beaton; perhaps some interesting Englishwomen of the period; and others. The season ends with Mary of Guise becoming regent, while, with the winds of change in the air, the Scottish Widow again descends into the crypt at St Giles.

Season 3- 1567 to 1573/4- Obviously this season has to open at Kirk O’Field and it’s going to be a crazy season for the costume and pyrotechnics departments. At first though the Scottish Widow seems a different character- younger, timid, blushing modestly around men of the court, and hysterical in the face of all the political intrigue which she witnesses as a lady-in-waiting to Queen Mary for a short time. Turns out she’s now passing herself off as her own descendant, the sheltered daughter of the late Earl of Kinross, raised in seclusion on some estates in Angus since her father’s untimely death thirteen years before and, having been taken under the new queen’s wing, her lost lamb act is working quite well on both the men and women of court. But, as the political situation deteriorates, the Scottish Widow remembers that she is not only adept in courtly intrigue but also in war and trade. She also changes her supposed religion at least twice, and manages to get hitched three times in three different countries (we’re travelling to both Ireland and Norway in this, for that full, lavish Season 3 nonsense when you have loads of funding). She may also have a son of dubious paternity- she knows she cannot be a constant in his life so can only observe his upbringing from a distance. This season will not only feature Mary Queen of Scots, but also Mary Fleming (wife and widow of Maitland of Lethington), Agnes Keith (wife and widow of the Regent Moray), Annabella Murray (wife and widow of the Regent Mar), the aged Margaret Douglas (wife and widow of the Regent Lennox and mother of Darnley), Jean Gordon and Anna Throndsen (both sort-of wives but not yet widows of the Earl of Bothwell), Agnes Campbell (in between the death of her husband MacDonald of Dunyvaig and her marriage to Turlough Luineach O’Neill), maybe Jean Stewart Countess of Argyll (as a technical divorcee not a widow but still) and others of that most infamous period. I’m assuming the season would end somewhere around the end of the Lang Siege but I’m not sure yet- the most important point about Season 3 is that it be spectacularly lavish and dramatic, while the plotting is of secondary importance. 

Season 4- 1590s. The Scottish Widow has an interesting role this season- she’s now the honoured wife of a prominent minister of the Reformed Kirk of Scotland. She also has a clutch of stepchildren in whom she outwardly tries to instil some discipline whilst secretly encouraging each of them into rebellion- this is not always a self-serving act on her part, and she is surprisingly popular with her stepdaughters. Her husband is not the king’s biggest fan, but is from a prominent Ayrshire family so mixes with the elites and his wife with him- the Scottish Widow has certainly come into contact with the scandalous Countess of Arran and the fabulous Anne of Denmark and others. She is also keeping an eye on her son’s development at the university- he seems destined for the Kirk too but secretly seems more suited to older style of politics (squabbling stabby nobles) than the new. But rather than hanging out in Edinburgh or the east coast, this season most of her time is spent in rural South Ayrshire. Technically her role is as the mistress of the manse but she seems to spend more time  getting into unseemly squabbles with the neighbouring lairdly families over grazing rights, and debating over whether it technically counts as a crime if you requisitioned some cattle/smuggled goods in from Ireland in the name of the Lord (by which she means paying for one of her stepdaughters’ dowries). But looming over everything is the growing spectre of the witch-hunts- although the Scottish Widow is not about to get caught up in this as a victim. Instead when her husband dies suddenly and suspiciously, the blame falls on some of her poor neighbours with whom the Widow and her stepdaughters had been fighting. When an old woman might go to the stake because of her, we have to wonder- has the Widow gone too far this time?

And probably it would get cancelled after Season 4 because a) huge cliffhanger means cancellation and b) all of the Scottish nobility and a good portion of the merchant class were interrelated, so the Widow’s marriage pool is increasingly small. But could defo go on in some spin-off novels covering the 17th-20th centuries. 

I’d like to point out that I don’t really find the murder of one’s spouse to be a happy/easy subject, no matter what gender the murderer is, though in this age of marriage for politics and convenience more than straightforward “love” it’s a bit different. And also if men get to have their Hannibals and Breaking Bads and Draculas and all sorts of worse horrors, then I think a massively over the top show where it’s heavily implied (but not really shown) that a sixteenth century noblewoman is doing away with some (not all) of her husbands is not really that controversial.

Anyway I’m no writer and have no imagination but it’s the sort of show we all deserve.

#rant #apologies I needed to have some fun wildly making shit up with care for organisation or clarity #even if it's a bit long-winded and ridiculous #And not at all easy to follow #Ramblings #Ah well if I'm going to get sued by a pensions company I might as well do the thing properly