#Anesidora journalposting

[flaskoflethe]

Today was the first time it sank in that I can stop trying so hard on a few things, because when I stop forcing them as hard and "fall back" to my "natural" state... what comes naturally is what I wanted in the first place

#Gender euphoria #I passed for the first time that matters - to myself #As in - you can relax it's just you being yo #Time to stop before I overshoot and mess up the other way XD #Seriously voice training takes ages but stick with it #I literally can't get my voice to sound like it did before I started without my throat hurting #I still don't like it but it's because I sound like an annoying nerd #Which - first of all hey! - second of all fair - I can live with #That's a pretty good description of me if you think about it! #The funnest thing (seriously) is voice was the least important thing I realized this about today #Anesidora journalposting

[flaskoflethe]

Despite the fairly unfiltered nature of what I post, I'm a pretty private person. Because I tend not to filter online, I keep things at (what I consider to be) a healthy remove. This is partially due to privacy concerns, but equally because I get overwhelmed by social interaction really really easily. Posting is easiest, no direct realtime engagement expected and the text medium means I can really make sure I say what I mean to say. Dm's or chats are harder, but still easy - even group chats/chat programs, because they still maintain that remove.

Voice... that's hard for me. I'm not fully happy with my voice yet although it's come SUCH a long way since I started training, but that's not really the issue. I just flat out, don't like being recorded? It's unavoidable in some circumstances - at work, in areas that have cameras etc - but in private socialization? It repulses me. But, to be clear, this is a me problem. Anyone who doesn't have my weird hangups, fucking GO for it! I just, idk, want to be able to turn off if I'm in a social environment.

This is complicated if someone likes recording things socially. And if the group doesn't mind, or likes, the recordings. Of course it isn't actually complicated, at all! I may not be a utilitarian, but if there are some number kf people, 1 doesn't like something, 2 do, and the rest don't care, the person who has the problem is the one with the burden of action.

Anyway still trying to figure out how to navigate it, because 1. I'm clearly not being reasonable - this is why I'm posting about it, because while I'm conflicted about it I'm not actually wanting anyone to change what they're doing. My discomfort is mine to process as I need to. And 2. I don't particularly want people to not do something they enjoy for the sake of my comfort. That is, i'll get more pleasure out of not doing something and letting others enjoy it more than I will from doing it and depriving them of the enjoyment.

Are there ways to work around it? Absolutely. Am I hypersensitive? Also yes. This is me more being frustrated at myself, and my therapist being on leave so it's another week+ before I can start looking at it more closely to see how I want to progress. Sorry for the vent/ramble post!

#Anesidora journalposting #Yeah I'll slow down on these probably in a week and a half or so #I'm just not great at handling stress and even doing things I enjoy in a group is hard with external stress added #Anyway the point of all this is we're responsible for curating our own experiences and the custodians of our own comfort

[flaskoflethe]

I hate it. I wanted to make a cringe-as-fuck post, but can't because it would sound like I was talking about someone on discord and uhhh that would be really uncomfortable. This is the problem with socializing, it keeps you grounded

#Idk which is worse honestly #Either way nya is fun to say and even MORE fun to use in posts #Or was anyway :P #(this is all tongue in cheek - I'm not actually annoyed!) #Anyway this post brought to you by “I was told by my surgery team not to use any of my normal anti-migraine tools before surgery” #And giant box grocery stores (Kroger/Safeway/WinCo/Costco/anything remotely like that) gives me a pounding one #Plus this will be the second of three weeks in a row I'll be doing 6 day weeks! #Anesidora journalposting #Tbh one reason I don't keep an actual journal is this does kind of read like a journal entry I would actually write...

[flaskoflethe]

I complain about work a fair bit, so change of pace - I'm getting moved into a new role, that I'm PRETTY sure is technically a big promotion? In corporate terms (that I honestly don't care to understand) I'll be a direct report not headcount? But while it'll get me more time spent on things I actually enjoy doing (data science and machine learning, yay!) it will also have a lot more time in meetings and interacting with users...

I'm terrified, and excited for it. But it kinda follows the pattern life lately has fallen into. Stuff I've been waiting for, in some cases basically my whole life, has started actually working out in the last year or two. Is it coincidence that started after I started estrogen? Idk, but it's been maybe the best period in my life even WITH the pandemic

#Not like I have imposter syndrome or anything going crazy ATM #Haaaa I wish :P #The biggest upside is less time on a bunch of bullshit I'm awful at and the biggest downside is different bullshit I'm also awful at #Anesidora journalposting #Yes the take away from this should be transition doesn't fix everything but it makes fixing anything else easier