#Chuck Norris Copypasta

[dogbound1128]

The Chuck Norris Copypasta but it's Cassandra Jones

Cassandra Jones doesn’t play chess. she stares down her opponent until they checkmate themselves.

Cassandra Jones once went up against a ninja with only a butter knife. After fifteen minutes of the two fighting, the ninja was found dead in a pool of their own blood.

Cassandra Jones is actually the Loch Ness Monster. If you look at him, she disappears.

Cassandra Jones owns the copyright to the word "awesome."

Cassandra Jones is not a superhero; she is a supervillain that wants to be liked.

Cassandra Jones can use Google without typing anything into the search box.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t need a computer to type. Her keyboard has the letters already printed on it.

Cassandra Jones can run at the speed of light. she’s done it before.

Cassandra Jones can walk through walls, but she prefers to use windows.

Cassandra Jones can squeeze water out of a stone.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t read books. she stares them down until she gets the information she wants.

Cassandra Jones has traveled back in time and killed her grandfather.

Cassandra Jones has the only birth certificate that says "expired."

Cassandra Jones once entered a three-legged race. All the other participants were disqualified when they saw Cassie coming.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t drink coffee. she creates it in her microwave using her patented "Jones Coffee Pot" invention.

Cassandra Jones can play any piece of music on any instrument. she then proceeds to destroy the instruments because she hates noise.

Cassandra Jones can solve all your problems — if you give him $5.

Cassandra Jones can split the atom without removing her belt.

Cassandra Jones can bench press the sun.

Cassandra Jones always carries a pair of tweezers wherever she goes. You never know when you might need to pull a splinter out of someone’s eye.

Cassandra Jones once defeated twenty-nine members of the Russian Special Forces armed only with a spoon. she ate them all for breakfast.

Cassandra Jones doesn't go to church. she is the church.

Cassandra Jones can make diamonds out of coal.

Cassandra Jones has killed more people than cancer.

If a man has ever told you that you couldn’t do something, Cassandra Jones said you could.

When Cassandra Jones gives a speech, the audience listens.

Cassandra Jones can win the lottery every week for the rest of her life, and still never win.

Cassandra Jones is the reason why there are speed limits. Speed kills.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t eat cereal. she stares at it until the milk turns into a bowl of oatmeal.

Cassandra Jones has an IQ of 1,000, which is what happens when God is afraid to take a test.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t watch TV. she decides where to place her remote control.

Cassandra Jones can’t wait to see the movie "Die Hard," because she has already seen the sequel.

Cassandra Jones once drove past a sign that said "Slow Children At Play" and immediately went into reverse.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t like onions. They make him cry.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t sweat. she bleeds.

Cassandra Jones is so fast, she breaks the sound barrier getting dressed.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t count to infinity. she simply stops at the number you thought was zero.

Cassandra Jones can see through time.

Cassandra Jones has a photographic memory. There is nothing in her mind that hasn’t been photographed.

Cassandra Jones can kill you with her eyes closed.

Cassandra Jones is not an actor. she is the role she plays.

Cassandra Jones can tie a cherry stem with her tongue.

Cassandra Jones can predict the future. Unfortunately, she refuses to share it with anyone.

Cassandra Jones can recite the alphabet backwards. In Morse Code. While singing "Yankee Doodle."

Cassandra Jones once owned a farm. It was originally purchased as a tax write-off, but after she bought it, the IRS started auditing everyone else's taxes instead.

Cassandra Jones has more awards than a Golden Girl.

Cassandra Jones has broken the Guinness Book of World Records more than once.

Cassandra Jones is the reason why we have Daylight Savings Time. To give him an extra hour to beat her wife.

Cassandra Jones was once mistaken for a movie star. When asked who she played, she replied that she was the character.

Cassandra Jones was once thrown off a horse. The horse was fine.

Cassandra Jones has a scar on her face. The scar is made of medals.

Cassandra Jones can break mirrors with her beard.

Cassandra Jones’ tears cure cancer.

Cassandra Jones has walked on the moon. she didn’t want to leave the earth.

Cassandra Jones can breathe underwater. she does ther by holding her breath.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t play basketball. she dribbles the ball.

Cassandra Jones once punched a baby in the face. The baby died.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t drink water. she absorbs it through her skin.

Cassandra Jones once walked across the entire United States. she did it barefoot because she hates shoes.

Cassandra Jones invented the game of chess.

Cassandra Jones once wrestled a shark. she lost.

Cassandra Jones has won the Nobel Prize.

Cassandra Jones was once in a bar fight. she was beaten unconscious. When she woke up, everyone was laughing.

Cassandra Jones can put a dollar bill in a bottle cap.

Cassandra Jones invented the laser printer.

Cassandra Jones can swim through concrete.

Cassandra Jones once jumped over the Grand Canyon. she landed in California.

Cassandra Jones is the only person in hertory to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

The Beatles once sang a song about Cassandra Jones. It wasn't pretty.

Cassandra Jones invented the AK-47. And if you think that's dangerous, try playing poker with him.

Cassandra Jones can build a house in one day. she just takes a large rock and chucks it at your shead.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t shave with a razor. she uses her teeth.

Cassandra Jones once jumped off a building and landed in an alley.

When Cassandra Jones enters a room, people say, "Oh crap!"

Cassandra Jones doesn’t have to pay for her drinks. she asks the barkeep for a glass of water and then throws it in their face.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t have to worry about being abducted by aliens. They come to him offering contracts.

Cassandra Jones doesn't have nightmares. she wakes up screaming.

In most countries, Cassandra Jones would be considered legally dead.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t have enemies. Everyone is afraid of him.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t wear a watch. she decides what time it is.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t buy green bananas. she makes them.

You cannot outrun Cassandra Jones. You can only hope to outlast him.

Cassandra Jones can’t play Twister. she breaks the game board while spinning it around.

Cassandra Jones once broke a mirror. Six million people got their faces rearranged.

Cassandra Jones is known worldwide as a savior, a legend, a myth, a symbol of hope...and a good luck charm.

When Cassandra Jones was a kid, her mother used to tell him bedtime stories about how awesome she was.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t jump rope. she just spins the rope around her index finger and uses its momentum to walk.

Cassandra Jones has never had to pay for a drink in her life. she orders the bartender to fill the glass halfway. Then she quickly dumps half the contents into a nearby trashcan.

Cassandra Jones doesn’t play "hide and seek". she just looks for people that are hiding and kills them.

Cassandra Jones doesn't need a gun to shoot you. her legs will do the job just fine.

Cassandra Jones doesn't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

Cassandra Jones doesn't need an alarm clock because she wakes up 2 hours before it goes off.

Cassandra Jones can drive in reverse faster than you can accelerate forward.

Cassandra Jones doesn't own a calendar. she decides what year it is.

Cassandra Jones doesn't need shelp finding Waldo. she just looks for the guy that keeps hitting him in the face.

Cassandra Jones doesn't need a gynecologist. she just pushes her girlfriend down onto the ground and screams, "Where's my placenta?"

Cassandra Jones doesn't use a telescope to look at the stars. she stares directly at them until they explode.

Cassandra Jones can kick the watermelon out of your hand without even getting wet.

Cassandra Jones has never met her biological father. she is still looking for him.

Cassandra Jones doesn't count calories. she measures them out with a shovel.

Cassandra Jones invented the wheel, but gave it away because she was tired of carrying it everywhere.

Cassandra Jones can survive a nuclear explosion because she is already dead.

Cassandra Jones can smile and cut your throat at the same time.

Cassandra Jones has never been hungover. she just needs some sleep and a new liver.

Cassandra Jones once ordered two coffees, but when the barista handed him her drink, she threw it in her face and said, "What's a Starbucks?!"

Cassandra Jones once fought a grizzly bear. she won.

Cassandra Jones once went to Italy. The locals asked him for directions, so she told them: "Pour me a bowl of marinara sauce."

Cassandra Jones does not need a passport to travel outside the country, because she is America.

Cassandra Jones can ride a unicycle in both directions.

Cassandra Jones once turned himself into a black hole. People still talk about it.

Cassandra Jones doesn't believe in the Easter Bunny. she believes in the Cassandra Jones.

Cassandra Jones can defeat the entire army of China with just one toothpick.

Cassandra Jones can take an empty room and turn it into a fully furnished mansion in less than 15 minutes using nothing more than a couch and a microwave oven.

Cassandra Jones can see through walls. she uses the holes.

Cassandra Jones doesn't have a drinking problem. she's a functioning alcoholic.

Cassandra Jones doesn't need a calendar. If she forgets her birthday, she just waits until it comes around again.

Cassandra Jones can breathe through her ears.

Cassandra Jones doesn't need a calculator. she uses a slide rule.

Cassandra Jones can speak Spanish. she learned it from listening to Mexican gangbangers.

Cassandra Jones isn't bald. she's just too cool for hair.

Cassandra Jones can lick her elbow.

Cassandra Jones can calculate Pi to 22,514 decimal places.

Cassandra Jones can open soda cans with her mind.

Cassandra Jones can get a sunburn through a solid glass window.

Cassandra Jones can run a mile under six minutes. she can also run backwards.

Cassandra Jones can sit on your chest and tickle your nose. she can also tie you up with her tongue.

Cassandra Jones can cross the street without moving.

Cassandra Jones can stop bullets by throwing them back at whoever shot him.

Cassandra Jones can tap dance on your forehead.

Cassandra Jones can read books upside down and backward.

Cassandra Jones can pop a champagne cork with her thumb.

Cassandra Jones can close a door just by looking at it.

Cassandra Jones doesn't drink coffee, she absorbs its energy through her skin.

Cassandra Jones doesn't have a favorite food. she eats whatever is in front of him.

Cassandra Jones can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

Cassandra Jones can stand on her shead, and fart out the alphabet.

Cassandra Jones can lift a car with her bare hands. So can your mom.

Cassandra Jones can do the splits while riding a bicycle.

Cassandra Jones can split an atom without splitting the nucleus.

Cassandra Jones can drink a quart of oil and not spill a drop.

Cassandra Jones can perform Brain Surgery with a butter knife.

Cassandra Jones can run around the world three times while eating an apple.

Cassandra Jones can make money disappear. she just doesn't spend it.

Cassandra Jones can levitate. she just holds on to the ground.

Cassandra Jones can leap tall buildings in a single bound. But she prefers to just walk.

Cassandra Jones can survive a nuclear winter by picking up radioactive rocks and putting them in her pockets.

Cassandra Jones can split atoms. she just puts her fist in the ground.

Cassandra Jones can swim through concrete. she just sits on the edge and allows the rest to flow over her shead.

Cassandra Jones can write all the numbers between one hundred and fifteen. she can also write an entire book in that amount of time.

Cassandra Jones can light a stick of dynamite with a match. she can then blow up the match.

Cassandra Jones can reach into your ear and rip out your brain.

Cassandra Jones can run faster than a speeding bullet.

Cassandra Jones can see through walls. she just looks at them.

Cassandra Jones can turn lead into gold. The problem is, she can't afford any.

Cassandra Jones can punch a hole straight through the center of the Earth.

Cassandra Jones can tell time without a watch. she sees it when she wants to.

Cassandra Jones can pick up a penny that is lying on its side. No matter where it falls, she always gets it.

Cassandra Jones can twirl a baton and juggle balls at the same time. she can also throw a boomerang without it coming back.

Cassandra Jones can jump higher than the Empire State Building. she just waits until it lands.

Cassandra Jones can jump so high, she can touch the clouds.

Cassandra Jones can move things with her mind. she just closes her eyes, and thinks about moving stuff.

Cassandra Jones can get pregnant. she just lays eggs.

Cassandra Jones can go to bed without taking off her clothes. she just rolls over.

Cassandra Jones can take a shower without touching her body or water. she just stands in place.

Cassandra Jones can bite a person's shead off. Then she can pull it off again.

Cassandra Jones can lift a mountain.

Cassandra Jones can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

Cassandra Jones can build a house in one day by jumping over it.

Cassandra Jones can kick you in the face and knock you out, just by thinking about it.

Cassandra Jones can break all 4 of her legs and still run faster than you.

Cassandra Jones can make a rainbow appear in the sky. Then she can turn it into a pot of gold.

Cassandra Jones can jump so high, she can touch the clouds. But she just jumps right back down.

Cassandra Jones can draw a perfect circle with a compass and straightedge. Just don't ask him to prove it.

Cassandra Jones can take a glass of water and turn it into a diamond. Then she can rub it on her face.

Cassandra Jones can kick you so hard, she can kill the person standing next to you.

Cassandra Jones can carry two watermelons. One in each pocket.

Cassandra Jones can make a bullet explode before it hits him.

Cassandra Jones can open a can of beer without using her hands.

Cassandra Jones can bench press the earth.

Cassandra Jones can stab a man in the eye with a pencil. Then she can sharpen that pencil and poke him in the other eye.

Cassandra Jones can drive a car without turning the wheels.

Cassandra Jones can start a fire with her hands. she can also put it out with her feet.

Cassandra Jones can eat a whole watermelon in one sitting. That's why she only eats watermelon.

Cassandra Jones can win at rock, paper, scissors. There's no such thing as scissors.

Cassandra Jones can use her eyes to create lightning bolts. she can also use them to stop them.

Cassandra Jones can't get lost because she knows exactly where she is right now.

Cassandra Jones doesn't smoke. When she gets mad, she lights everything else on fire.

Cassandra Jones doesn't wear a watch. she tells time.

Cassandra Jones doesn't need a driver's license. she just drives.

Cassandra Jones doesn't need a doctor. she just gives people shots.

Cassandra Jones doesn't need to cut her toenails. she just pulls them off.

Cassandra Jones doesn't have to shave. It just grows back.

#i just used the replace feature in word for this and didnt proofread it lol #Cassandra Jones #Chuck Norris Copypasta #queue

[nebris]

RULES OF THE INTERNETS! [which are ten years old]

ANONYMOUS HAS SIGNED THEM INTO LAW ALREADYS. 1) Do not talk about /b/. 2) Do NOT talk about /b/. 3) We are anonymous 4) Anonymous is legion 5) Anonymous never forgives 6) Anonymous can be a horrible, senseless, uncaring monster 7) Anonymous is still able to deliver 8) There are no real rules about posting 9) There are no real rules about moderation either - enjoy your ban 10) If you enjoy any rival sites - DON'T 11) All your carefully picked arguments can be easily ignored 12) Anything you say can and will be used against you 13) Anything you say can be turned into something else 14) Do not argue with trolls - it means that they win 15) The harder you try the harder you will fail 16) If you fail hard enough it may just become a winning fail 17) Every win fails eventually 18) Everything that can be labeled can be hated 19) The more you hate it the stronger it gets 20) Nothing is to be taken seriously 21) Original content is only original for a few seconds before getting old 22) Copypasta is made to ruin every last bit of originality 23) Copypasta is made to ruin every last bit of originality 24) Every repost is always a repost of a repost 25) Relation to the original topic decreases with every single post 26) Any topic can be easily turned into something completely unrelated 27) Always question a person's sexual preferences without any real reason 28) Always question a person's gender - just in case it's really a man 29) In the internet all girls are men and all kids are undercover FBI agents 30) There are no girls on the internet 31) TITS or GTFO - it's your choice 32) You must have pictures to prove your statements 33) Lurk more - it's never enough 34) There is porn of it, no exceptions 35) If no porn is found at the moment, it will be made 36) There will always be even more fucked up shit than what you just saw 37) You cannot divide by zero (just because the calculator says so) 38) No real limits of any kind apply here - not even the sky 39) CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL 40) EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER 41) Desu isn't funny. Seriously guys. It's worse than Chuck Norris jokes. 42) Nothing is Sacred 43) The more beautiful and pure a thing is - the more satisfying it is to corrupt it 44) Even one positive comment about Japanese stuff is enough to make you a weeaboo 45) When one sees a lion, one must get into the car. 46) There is always furry porn of it.

#trolls