#Continuing to advocate for a likely abuser in any form because you feel hurt isn't | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hotcrossbun · 6 months

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potential trigger warning:

I'm unsure of all the triggers I'll post so read at your own discretion. thank you. (addiction, divorce, DV, homelessness, sewer slide ideation, family separation) ((i think thats all))

diagnosed: bipolar 2, PTSD, gad.

ive been diagnosed bipolar 2 for 11 years. I'm only 26 years old but I feel my life has spun a little out of control this last year- since November of 2022. I impulsively (and probably mid episode) got married 5 years ago (2018) to a person I knew in high school. my daughter was only about 10 months old. it was really great while we were initially seeing each other but got married after only 2 weeks of officially dating. 😬 I was scared of the idea of being a single mom, trying to do it all and be mom and dad. and i did love them, we knew each other well for years and fell out for a while, but I wanted a sense of family and stability for myself and my daughter. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, but very very quickly the relationship turned. a lot of it was my fault- but there's plenty of issues that went around. I wasn't managing my illness well and they had been diagnosed BPD. their family eventually pulled back and enabled behaviors. there was a lot of abuse to each other from both sides. physical and emotional.

my daughter saw a lot she shouldn't have, me with injuries that probably scared her, listening to a lot of yelling and bad things. I feel horrible about it. I feel like I didn't protect her correctly but I still wanted her to have a family. I tried to leave multiple times but felt I had no where to really go- I felt safer in the chaos, at least it made sense, right? my instability and lack of support had transferred to my daughter unintentionally and I can't forgive myself for it.

after my ex spouse was arrested for DV in March this year we continued to talk and communicate when we weren't supposed to. ( no contact order ) maybe a little trauma bond-y but we both got evicted from the apartment and bc of a lack of support in my life we moved into another place together. I felt me and my daughter wouldn't have had a place to go. but the relationship was the same. we both triggered the worst parts of each other and both were pretty heavily drinking nightly at this point:(

they got charged officially in early July and when the court stuff was over they really never came back home. it was right before Father's Day and it really hurt me and luckily my daughter isn't really old enough to quite understand yet. (she's young, also a bit on the spectrum and has some speech development delays)

but I hurt for her because they decided to no longer be a part of either of our lives. (since July they have spoken to her 3 times and moved away from our hometown as well) ((everytime they spoke i had advocated for the communication))

my daughter and I moved a few states away for the summer to try to restart closer to my sister but my drinking was a little out of control. the divorce was finalized after our move and it hurt me a lot. I felt that I would tolerate anything for their love but they couldn't accept consequences to their actions. and I think it triggered a deep mixed episode I wasn't aware I was in. but I almost figured it out, I had an apartment lined up in a new state- 2 jobs, a new drivers license and insurance in a new state, my daughter was enrolled to start school. (all done while severely impaired, I was constantly under the influence of alcohol) ((sober now but probably would still drink given the ability, sadly enough.)) we were going to move out of my sister's as soon as I paid the deposit for our new place and my application got accepted to the complex- but the night before my daughter was supposed to start school I was deeply intoxicated and my sister noticed. she has a very low tolerance for any form of substance abuse and I did know that. I just rationalized what I was doing- I thought bc I was sad and upset- going through a lot- since it wasn't illegal- since I was still getting things done- that it was okay. we got kicked out of my sister's house that night and had to stay in a hotel for about a week.

while we stayed in the hotel I got very very low and contemplated sewer slide, my daughter couldn't get to school bc I didn't have a car and the buses didn't go all the way out to where we were, my sister wouldn't watch my daughter so I could work, and I was running low on funds to continue to pay for the room and a deposit on my apartment. I felt alone and like there was nothing left I could do. I acknowledged my negative consequences to my decisions, and the guilt hit hard, i just felt so lost. my wallet got stolen and had my card maxed out. we couldn't fly back to my home state bc my ID was in my wallet and I thought we were going to be homeless. I made some calls and long story short now we live with my daughters bio father, after a lot of borrowed money and a 18 hour car ride, and a lot of grateful feelings towards him and to the universe.❤️

I've always loved this man, I am now dating him again. he's never done wrong by me, it was always me that left and created any of the minute conflicts we've had. I think it has been a long time coming- me and my daughters dad being back together- he has been my best friend for longer than I can really put my finger on. but sometimes I feel like I've just lost all control of my life and worry we're just together bc I lost everything, because we've always been there for each other. recognizably harsh, he would be hurt if I said that, and doesn't lead me to think that. I just worry. he's not a perfect guy, he has tendencies at times that are hard to cope with but I love him for it it all. he's been through a lot lately too- but he's kind and tries really hard to be here for me even when I don't want him to be. he loves me and sees me, our upbringings are different but similar enough to be compatible. he helps me be better, more open, he keeps my heart and soul soft. hes no stranger to mental illness in himself or his family, but also doesn't struggle in the same way as me. I understand him and I hope he feels as if I've been here for him the same way as well.

last night after a long long trip, I started to feel a little episode starting to creep up after handling some situational and circumstantial things that are from our pasts. we both respected each other's separate lives but now have to make them coincide. collaborate and mix our separate lives into one. and now I feel like I'm in another mixed state. wanting to change my emotional identity and be someone else, impulsive feelings and manic thinking and lots and lots of guilt and feeling like an imposter, like I don't deserve to be here in this life or to be cared about. to be taken care of. to participate.

I know this man doesn't trigger me the same way but I have some deep rooted issues and emotional instability that I've been able to keep at bay for the most part. but there's a big part of me that recognizes that just 6 months ago this is not at all where I pictured myself or my daughter. I wouldn't truly change anything about right now- I'm happier ironically and feel safe. it was an off route to happiness I feel. but I fell behind again in things like med insurance and jobs and my daughter going to school bc of moving from out of state to back into our home state, and I have some solutions to these issues, we are balancing responsibilities that contain large dynamics that are so new- but what if the instability never ends? my life is unstable. it always has been. same with my emotions. am I bringing chaos to others lives?

how am I supposed to trust myself in the new life and 'solutions' and know if it's actually coming from a stable non-episode thinking? I always trust everything initially and then it turns into something else, like others are misleading me and I'm misleading myself, maybe that I'm misleading them, with or without the intention to do so. I internalize and am self aware almost to a detriment and I think it just causes more issues, bc I don't know what really is sane and what's not sometimes. am I delusional? am I missing the bigger picture? I love hard and feel everything so deeply idk what to trust anymore.

luckily my daughter is adjusting well, she's smart and kind and healthy, she's strong and willful. I just know that it's probably so hard on her and she lost the person she knew her whole life as her father. been moved around and the one thing she wanted to do was go to school and I couldn't do that for her. I feel so guilty. she's happy, her bio dad loves her so much but also I know that huge transitions for little ones isn't always easy and losing people no matter who they are hurts. she may not get it super well right now but I worry when she's older and really starts to grasp everything that has happened it will be something she will genuinely struggle with. it feels like its my fault. I wasn't dealt the best hand in life and although I do my best with it, by default it's her life now too.

I guess I wanted to express, maybe get some validation and advice. I'm seeking therapeutic services but waiting lists are forever long and it doesn't seem to be possible at the moment. I'm holding in there, I'm okay, just feels like everything could not be okay in a moments notice. I feel alone in my type of situation and feel so misunderstood by some people who've meant the most to me. I can't blame anyone though for not understanding bc I don't really understand it myself. I'm strong but only so beefed. smart but only so intelligent. I worry this is my life now. constantly just waiting for the ups and downs to make themselves known, and the consequences of my actions to be the things to tell me that I was in an episode and wasn't thinking clearly.

if you got to the end of this thank you for your time. I don't have a lot of people to talk to and I have very little family. I know my boyfriend loves me but I won't bring him down with my worries. I know that these neg feelings are probably fleeting but the consequences of life never are. I just wanted better for my daughters experiences. for her emotional well-being and her stability. I hope I am on the correct life path bc I am growing tired and a little hopeless that I am making the same mistakes. thank you again⛅

#mental health

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