#Garbage Football Roger and Thuy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

garbagefootball17776-blog · 7 years

Text

Episode 7843 Transcript

B: This is Garbage Football, the podcast dedicated to dredging up the worst of football’s long history. This is brought to you by myself, [name] and my co-host here, [name].

C: Yes! And today we’ve got a good one for you.

B: That we do. Now if anyone remembers Game 96249 (nine six two four nine) that our colleagues Roger and Thuy talked about a couple weeks back, this one might ring some bells.

C: Yes, though personally I think the differences are what makes it fantastic.

B: Of course, of course. Well this game is another one which has been going on for a very long time, game number 100423 (hundred four two three). This started a couple years after 96249 (nine six two four nine), before they realised quite how terrible an idea that one was and other people wanted to get in on the action.

C: Right, but of course, they knew they couldn’t just copy the rules of 96249 (nine six two four three), so the thing they thought would be an interesting addition? The game restarts at every ball loss.

B: Sounds like a terrible idea, doesn’t it? I can see this and I’m sure plenty of our audience can see that, so I’m not quite sure why they thought it was a good idea, but there we have it. There are a couple other rules differences (different from even base football even) which are going to become particularly relevant, and interesting, later on.

C: Right. So we have our two teams, each of eleven players and they’ve got themselves on either side of a mountain range. Mountain ranges seem to be somewhat of a trend for games during this period, don’t they? B: Yeah, all games 97000 (ninety seven thousand) through 100100 (hundred thousand and a hundred) at least were over mountain ranges, if I remember correctly.

C: Apart from game 99452 (nine nine four five two) of course.

B: Yeah, apart from that one. Have we talked about that one yet on the podcast? C: I don’t think so. I’ll be sure to write that down. For anyone who isn’t in the know, look up 99452 (nine nine four five two). I don’t want to spoil it but, trust me, you won’t regret it.

B: You won’t.

C: So we have our two teams either side of a mountain range, and they’re getting ready to go. B: Which teams was it again.

C: Did I not mention? B: Nope.

C: Oh, silly me. So we’re on either side of the Appalachians, West Virginia against Pennsylvania, mountains cutting north-east to south-west across.

B: Alleghenies was it? C: Those are the ones. So you’ve got West Virginia to the south and Pennsylvania to the north and cutting across the play area in the middle is Maryland.

B: So you’ve got these two teams and play stars with Pennsylvania in the north and they’re trying to get across the mountain range down into West Virginian territory. Can’t remember for the life of me where the end lines where but that’s not quite relevant to the core of the game. Point is, they get into the mountains and in short time the Pennsylvania player carrying the ball gets tackled and play passes to West Virginia. So the game resets.

C: For anyone who doesn’t remember, in 96249 (nine six two four three) had a standard old-football width field and 100423 (hundred four two three) is doing the same thing here so it turns out it’s not too hard to find the attacker in the middle of a mountain range.

B: Yeah, so the exchange happens and then the game resets and it takes an excessive amount of time for the players to get back to their starting zones for whatever reason. This happens quite a lot over the course of the next, maybe century? C: Two. I think it was two.

B: Let’s say two then. So over the next two centuries, they played this pretty boring monotone game. And then one day, someone on the West Virginian team gets bored of the walk back (they’re going by old football rules on this so they’re hiking all the way forward and back, or so they think) and so they just grab a van from a nearby garage and the whole team gets a ride home. C: Seems pretty normal, right? But of course, Pennsylvania thinks that that stuff isn’t in the rules and there’s a little bit of a fuss for a couple decades and play kind of stops while they argue this out. It eventually resolves when someone realises that, no, there’s not actually any rules against using vehicles.

B: Or a whole other bunch of things, as it turns out.

C: Right. So next play, instead of trying to run across the country, Pennsylvania just gets a car and sends one player out across the mountains, hoping that the other team won’t be able to catch them.

B: Right. But of course, this doesn’t work.

C: Nope, West Virginia just rams ‘em.

B: Rams ‘em.

C: Rams ‘em right in the side. Pennsylvania’s car rolls over, nanos drag the guy out and he gets tackled immediately.

B: There were a lot celebrations on West Virginia’s side that night for sure.

C: Sure were. I don’t think, what’s her name, Alex was it? I don’t think she’s playing 100423 anymore, but she’s gone on to do some real great things.

B: I’ll be sure to look into her record later.

C: I definitely encourage it.

B: So the car thing.

C: Yeah. So this is where 100423 (hundred four two three) gets interesting. Because you see a lot of this stuff in your standard football game, right? The cars and whatnot. But then it just starts scaling and scaling and you’ve gotta remember that they’re doing this whole thing in a space no wider than an old football field. And they do carry the car thing on for quite a while.

B: My favourite has got to be when they started using those landspeed record cars and just not stopping for the whole way. I think Pennsylvania countered that with a wall or something?

C: Yep, wall right across the field. Totally legal. That’s was pretty much the end of the car era. West Virginia tried to jump it if I remember correctly, tried to ramp off something like in one of those old video games but it just didn’t work out. I do have a different favourite, if you’ll let me talk about it.

B: Go ahead.

C: So this is maybe 500 or something years into the game.

B: So the car thing’s been going on for like 3 centuries now? C: Yeah. They tried a lot of stuff. Really resistant to change really and kept trying to do the same thing over and over. Kind of pointless but I think they got kicks out of it. Anyway, Pennsylvania has the ball and their last attempt was some lone speed thing which just got wrecked by a speed bump, funnily enough.

B: Didn’t think they even worked that well.

C: At 200 miles per hour they’re less a suggestion than a punishment.

B: Ha, I suppose they would be. I imagine it was a hell of a wreck.

C: Oh, it was. Anyway, Pennsylvania have had it with the speed demon approach, it’s just not working out for them. So what do they do? B: Do tell.

C: Convoy.

B: What?

C: So they got this super heavily armoured, like proper military grade stuff, super heavily armoured truck, surround it by a bunch more trucks and then they head off to make their way through the mountains.

B: What the fuck.

C: Yeah! They’re going at like 20 miles an hour but it’s fucking working, which is what really gets me about it. And like if you think about it, it totally makes sense that it would work, like, what’s West Virginia going to do about it? B: What did they do? C: Fuck all. At least for the first time. Pennsylvania actually managed to score.

B: How many times had that happened this game?

C: First time.

B: Jesus. What a strategy.

C: Yeah. Wonderful idea. To be honest, I’m surprised they didn’t come up with it earlier. Though there have been rumours that they were just sitting around on the idea for quite some time and were just waiting stalling for it.

B: I guess they wanted to play for as long as possible. One of those games.

C: Yeah, definitely one of those games. I think I remember seeing some interviews with players from the game and they were really very attached to it. Like one would have been attached to a child back in the old days.

B: Those games always confuse me. I don’t really understand how someone could get that attached to something.

C: I don’t know, I think it makes sense to me. I mean, they’ve watched this thing grow for hundreds of years. Surely they’d get attached to it after that long.

B: I suppose. But a lot of people play a lot of long games and they don’t get attached in the same way. C: I guess it varies from player to player. B: I guess it does. Anyway, how did West Virginia respond? C: Called in a military company.

B: They were allowed to do that?

C: Yep. So basically you’ve got all these vehicles in the convoy and what the West Virginians realised is that these vehicles, they aren’t actually part of the game. And if they’re not part of the game, there’s no rules stopping them from getting outside forces to interfere with the vehicles.

B: And? C: Military company straight fucked their shit up.

B: Know any specifics? C: They got some long range anti-vehicle weaponry and just blew up a shit ton of the trucks in the convoy. Nanos pulled the players out and the West Virginians dove in for the tackle, resetting the game.

B: That’s one hell of a play.

C: Sure is, though it’s nothing compared to some of the other stuff that comes up in this game.

B: They tried out a lot of crap, didn’t they? C: Yeah, way too much for us to cover right now.

B: Highlights? C: Sounds good.

B: So I have three words for you.

C: I think I can guess what they are.

B: Giant. Human. Cannons.

C: Oh jesus.

B: This has got to be my favourite thing they tried to pull off.

C: I’ll let you go over this one. It’s fun to listen to, listeners, trust me.

B: Yeah. So you know they’ve got that cannon they use for that 500 game that’s going on over the whole continent? Yeah, so it turns out it’s not actually that hard to set something like that up. It also turns out that it’s totally possible to build one big enough to fit a person in. So West Virginia has this idea, right, that they’re just going to build a giant cannon and then shoot a player out of it and then they’ll just aim it across the line at the other end zone and score the point. So they spend quite a while building this, playing the rounds as normal and not much happens in the game itself.

C: During the plane era or something, wasn’t it?

B: Right. That turned out not to be a particularly effective strategy, but they kept at it regardless. Weird, really. Anyway, West Virginia has built this giant cannon and they reveal it with this grand flourish and less than 3 minutes later they’ve scored a point for what must be the first time in 1000 years or something like that. And then this just continues, because Pennsylvania? They ain’t got a response for it. This is the fastest period of scoring that West Virginia gets in the whole game, pretty nuts really.

C: Pennsylvania had to come up with some way of defending against it though, right? B: Of course. The game lasted for a really long time.

C: Right. So what’d they do? B: I think it’s funny to look at this from Pennsylvania’s view. There’s even some camera footage if I remember. They all start running from the line and then you can just see a dot in the sky above and then it gets bigger and bigger and if you look hard enough you realise that, yeah, that’s a person! I think the first time it happened, the whole Pennsylvania team just stopped in their tracks and watched in awe as the West Virginia player plummeted into the end zone. By the fifth time this happened, they’d stopped even trying to run towards West Virginia and just waited around their end zone. I guess they were hoping someone would catch the West Virginia player or something. For a long time it seemed like West Virginia were going to win, when they got the ball off Pennsylvania, who kept trying to hide the ball for as long as possible. They managed to drag that out for a couple decades at least. Turns out the mountains are really good places for hiding things. The chapter finally comes to a close when the Pennsylvania team realises that they can totally just build a giant net over their end zone, catch the West Virginia player and then reset the game. And this is all of course totally within the rules of Old Football, since no one expected players to be flying through the air kilometres off the ground. C: They were really missing out. Do you ever go back to watch any of that old football though? B: Of course! I think modern football is much better of course, but it’s amazing to see the origins of the thing, like you’re going back in time almost.

C: Yeah! I was thinking the same thing. The games back then were so fast as well, it’s exciting to be able to sit down and watch a whole football game in one sitting. I’ve even gotten a big group of people together and we watched it together, like my parents used to do back in the day.

B: And you didn’t invite me!

C: Well it was a spur of the moment thing. I’ll invite you to come around next time!

B: Alright, thanks! I look forward to it. Now, back to the game.

C: Yes, back to the game. Though I think we ought to be wrapping up soon? B: Oh god, yeah. I guess we should go over how the game ended then? C: Sounds good to me. So, unlike Game 96249, this game actually did end.

B: And it won’t be as exciting as you think.

C: Nope, it really isn’t. You have this game that lasted for maybe 7000 years total, and then it ended in something like a year.

B: Real quick.

C: Yeah, real quick. And it all basically boils down to West Virginia’s rocket idea.

B: Yeah, so what happened is that they figured that even if the cannon idea didn’t work, nothing that Pennsylvania built could withstand a significant force beating down on them at once. So what they did is they used some of the old missile technology from god knows how long ago and built a whole array. They strapped a player to one, almost cartoon-like if you ask me, and then just fired it at the Pennsylvanian end zone. And like, what can the Pennsylvanians do to respond to that? Their net didn’t work and so West Virginia just started racking up points one after the other and there was basically nothing that Pennsylvania could do about it.

C: They tried stalling for a bit didn’t they? B: Yeah, stalled and tried to build a bunker or something but because the lines of play are so close together, it’s impossible to hide for long enough to build up the appropriate defenses against what West Virginia was doing.

C: At least, impossible after they figured out and found all the best hiding places millennia earlier in the game.

B: Yeah of course. Like I said earlier, mountain ranges are great hiding places, but there’s only so many hiding places and by this point in the game they were really running low.

C: So West Virginia just wins, then? B: Basically. Pennsylvania didn’t even stand a chance. They’d been at a disadvantage for a large part of the game.

C: Apart from the underground era.

B: Yeah, apart from that, obviously. But they’d been trailing behind and honestly I was hoping for them to catch up, but they never really did.

C: West Virginia did have some fantastic engineers on their team though.

B: That’s very true. It’s very easy to argue that that was what won them the game. Very anticlimactic though, unfortunately.

C: Very true, very true.

B: Anyway, that wraps it up for the game. I think we have just long enough to give our thoughts on it and then we’re going to have to finish up.

C: Right. Personally, I really enjoyed this one. The concept was pretty ridiculous at the beginning and I was expecting for something excessively boring like 96249, but what we got was almost exciting. Makes you wonder whether it really deserves to be on the podcast.

B: Perhaps, but we’ve already recorded the episode now! C: That is very true. So what did you think of it?

B: I also enjoyed it, though like I said I think I was hoping for a closer game. C: Shame really, though personally I was rooting for West Virginia the whole time, except for the underground era of course.

B: Of course.

C: Of course. And I think that’s the episode? B: That it is! Thank you, everybody at home, for listening to Garbage Football!

C: [name] and I will be with you again next Tuesday and there’ll of course be a premium episode on Friday by Thuy and Roger.

B: Be sure to catch us next time. Bye! C: Bye!

#garbage football #17776 #17776 football

14 notes · View notes