#He can have a brief respite from The Horrors via spending time w them but he knows he Will one day have to kiII them or at least attempt to

[yeonban]

I want to sob every time I remember that Kolya does some things for himself for short-term relief which inevitably lead to long-term suffering

#muse: nikolai gogol. #More explicitly it's him regularly/continuously seeking out the people who've proven they can understand him. re: Fyodor and Ranpo #He wants companionship so badly man. And he KNOWS it'll always end in a worse way than it began if he does go down that route #but he Still does it bc as much as he alienates himself from society he's still human and I can't even imagine how lonely and horrendous #his mental health is underneath that facade he keeps putting up. bc just imagine you faking your personality ENTIRELY 180 style for a week. #he's been doing it for 365 days a year /for almost 2 decades/ #The ONE relief he grants himself is that of spending time with the people who understand him and who he likes/loves/holds affections for #yet at the end of the day he's also aware that dooms them both. which is why it simultaneously soothes him and falls in line w his goals #He can have a brief respite from The Horrors via spending time w them but he knows he Will one day have to kiII them or at least attempt to #and when that time comes he Will take it as seriously as he can; no fooling around. hence the even worse suffering than before