#I am not trying to vague anybody skdkfkdkjajfjf

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

Vent post below the cut about being aroace and amatanormativity. Yes I’m okay nothing happened im just mopey.

Thoughts I am having:

- I do not feel comfortable with the idea of me having a romantic partner

- I don’t even really enjoy the idea of just one best friend I’m dedicated to, like a QPP; I don’t think I have that attraction either

- I like my roommates well enough, but I won’t be in college here forever; I have grad school, and then internship, and then. Being a neuropsychologist. All of those things cannot be at my current college, because they aren’t taking students or employing people in that program.

- I was completely on my own in my current apartment for the first week and I didn’t like it. It was very lonely and I had a lot of anxiety about being alone if something bad happened. I don’t think I want to live alone in the future.

- I absolutely do NOT want to live at home if I can avoid it. I love my family very much but I would honestly rather be alone, with the loneliness and anxiety, than be at home 24/7.

- I also didn’t enjoy living with roommates I wasn’t close friends with. I got lucky in sophomore year that I made fast friends with my roommates, but freshman year sucked, not least because I felt alone even with two other people living in the same 2 bedroom dorm suite.

- It doesn’t help that I’m autistic and ADHD, which doesn’t make me the best roommate in general. I struggle to remember to clean up after myself, I don’t make new friends easily, executive function makes it hard to do chores around the apartment, and I’m not the greatest at communication. Heck, sometimes I just fully forget to shower for a week. I try my best to be a good roommate but like. I’m never not going to be disabled. I’m not going to magically be a great roommate to get people to like me more or to make friends faster.

- So then. I want to live with multiple friends of mine, who understand and accommodate my needs, without being romantically or queerplatonically attracted to any of them, just as roommates who enjoy each other’s company.

- How on earth is *that* gonna happen?

I know I’m borrowing trouble and that it’ll probably work out fine I just feel. Lonely. I’m aroace, and like. There’s no sexual or romantic or queerplatonic attraction at all. It’s just platonic. But to most other people, those other types of attraction matter a lot in who they live with or stay around. And I can’t provide any of that. Obviously amatanormativity is not accurate to human relationships and people can live together and just be good friends and nothing else, but like. Practically. I don’t really have any examples of that happening irl. And I just feel sad about it being a lot harder not to be alone.

#Tay don’t look #I really am okay I just feel sad #I’m probably just on my period and that’s why I’m emotional skdkgkgkkdjsjdj #anyway if u see this post and u are worried it is about you I promise it is not #I am not trying to vague anybody skdkfkdkjajfjf #just processing my feelings on tumblr.com #Letters to myself #<- so I can find this post later #and see what’s changed in the next couple of years #maybe I’ll queue this post seeing as my queue is broken and only posts 1 post a day #and it’s got almost 1000 posts in there #so like. it’ll probably post by the time I graduate and take my gap year. #and I’ll see what’s different then #hopefully it’ll be better