#I really am okay I just feel sad

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

Vent post below the cut about being aroace and amatanormativity. Yes I’m okay nothing happened im just mopey.

Thoughts I am having:

- I do not feel comfortable with the idea of me having a romantic partner

- I don’t even really enjoy the idea of just one best friend I’m dedicated to, like a QPP; I don’t think I have that attraction either

- I like my roommates well enough, but I won’t be in college here forever; I have grad school, and then internship, and then. Being a neuropsychologist. All of those things cannot be at my current college, because they aren’t taking students or employing people in that program.

- I was completely on my own in my current apartment for the first week and I didn’t like it. It was very lonely and I had a lot of anxiety about being alone if something bad happened. I don’t think I want to live alone in the future.

- I absolutely do NOT want to live at home if I can avoid it. I love my family very much but I would honestly rather be alone, with the loneliness and anxiety, than be at home 24/7.

- I also didn’t enjoy living with roommates I wasn’t close friends with. I got lucky in sophomore year that I made fast friends with my roommates, but freshman year sucked, not least because I felt alone even with two other people living in the same 2 bedroom dorm suite.

- It doesn’t help that I’m autistic and ADHD, which doesn’t make me the best roommate in general. I struggle to remember to clean up after myself, I don’t make new friends easily, executive function makes it hard to do chores around the apartment, and I’m not the greatest at communication. Heck, sometimes I just fully forget to shower for a week. I try my best to be a good roommate but like. I’m never not going to be disabled. I’m not going to magically be a great roommate to get people to like me more or to make friends faster.

- So then. I want to live with multiple friends of mine, who understand and accommodate my needs, without being romantically or queerplatonically attracted to any of them, just as roommates who enjoy each other’s company.

- How on earth is *that* gonna happen?

I know I’m borrowing trouble and that it’ll probably work out fine I just feel. Lonely. I’m aroace, and like. There’s no sexual or romantic or queerplatonic attraction at all. It’s just platonic. But to most other people, those other types of attraction matter a lot in who they live with or stay around. And I can’t provide any of that. Obviously amatanormativity is not accurate to human relationships and people can live together and just be good friends and nothing else, but like. Practically. I don’t really have any examples of that happening irl. And I just feel sad about it being a lot harder not to be alone.

#Tay don’t look #I really am okay I just feel sad #I’m probably just on my period and that’s why I’m emotional skdkgkgkkdjsjdj #anyway if u see this post and u are worried it is about you I promise it is not #I am not trying to vague anybody skdkfkdkjajfjf #just processing my feelings on tumblr.com #Letters to myself #<- so I can find this post later #and see what’s changed in the next couple of years #maybe I’ll queue this post seeing as my queue is broken and only posts 1 post a day #and it’s got almost 1000 posts in there #so like. it’ll probably post by the time I graduate and take my gap year. #and I’ll see what’s different then #hopefully it’ll be better

[mummer]

still sorting out how to feel about it but fuck ncuti was just insantly beyond all expectations. King

#i feel sad his first appearance was sort of playing second fiddle to tennant and he didnt get a proper regen or anything #but i am soooooo excited for him to get started in earnest #plot wise probably my favorite of the specials but that was pretty unhinged #my full conclusion is that rtd is the most self indulgent showrunner alive which works for him but is also very Apparent lmao #doc who #doctor who spoilers #like whys ncuti feeling like a companion/side character in his own show like???? #as someone who isnt a tengirl it’s like. Okay. #also as someone who enjoyed the donna tragedy SORRY #like these specials were really not For Me which is fine. but lets get going cmon 💪 #i’ll just never be a happy ending enjoyer i need it to be at least bittersweet which is why i like this show lol. too happy booooo #me and capaldi being like ITS SAD. ITS ABOUT DEATH. rtd putting his hands in his ears and playing with action figures #which he has the right to do i wish him nothing but happiness also 14 and 15 sjould have fucked

[shima-draws]

So my roommate is also into One Piece. I’m not sure if he’s watched any of the anime, I know for sure he’s watched the live action, but earlier tonight he came upstairs and watched a few episodes with me while waiting for a food delivery, and then he got hooked, and then he sat and watched MORE episodes with me without really knowing what was going on. But it was still wildly entertaining to him, esp since I’m right in the middle of one of the (arguably) best arcs rn, and now he wants to finish the arc with me LOL. NOBODY is immune to One Piece propaganda. Or Bon-chan 🥰

#Shima speaks #IT WAS JUST REALLY FUNNY #Like he’s been spoiled to a lot of stuff and has general knowledge of some things #So he knows (as well as I) about what’s going to happen to Ace #But yeah I’m in the middle of Impel Down and it’s absolute fucking CHAOS rn. Insane. #He was like. How much more are you going to watch tonight. #And I was like well I usually go until right before bedtime when I’m binging it #So he was like let me grab my blanky :) LOL #We started chanting PRISON RIOT!! PRISON RIOT!! PRISON RIOT!!!!! #Idk it’s just nice. I usually don’t get this kind of reaction to stuff I watch #My parents don’t like anime and my sister. Well she likes it but only specific series #So I couldn’t rope her into OP even if I tried lol #So having someone be like ooooh what are you watching it looks good I want to join! #IT FEELS NICE. OKAY. I don’t get that ever!!! #I don’t have the kind of family who would be willing to watch anime with me #And tbh I get jealous when my friends tell me they watch anime with their parents #I doubt my parents would watch anime if I were on my deathbed and asked them to. LMAO #Not faulting then it’s not their cup of tea which is fine. It just makes me sad #*them #Bc that’s just. Such a HUGE part of my life and who I am. And they don’t know anything about that side of me #Or about the things I’m into #Sorry didn’t mean to get emo in my tags. Anyway. #I was gonna watch more OP during my lunch break tomorrow BUT since my roommate also wants to watch more. I will wait :) #Never have to do that usually! Huh!! How fun!!! #One Piece

[icewindandboringhorror]

sneeping with his legs up over his head for some reason... weird boye

#cats #love the second picture... skrungly sleepy well rested boye face... #since he's an elderly boy now sometimes when he wakes up from a nap he looks a bit scruffy and squinty eyed #Hard to beleive he's like 15 though.. he still looks like a kitten to me.. due to his giant round creature eyes and childlike demeanor #I think it's interesting that like... baby cats are babies. kittens are kittens. and you can tell a cat is like 'young adult' phase #looking from like a few months to maybe 1yr or 2yrs.. but after that they just always look the same to me #a 5 yr old cat is a 10 yr old cat is a 15 year old cat. unless the cat in question is particulalry aged or youthful #I still have so so little energy... it's been icy here this week. like not even FUN but just scary icy even thoguh i lOOOVE the cold #and its my favorite weather. I think it'd be okay actually if I had a woodburning stove/fireplace/hearth thing. literally thats my only #concern with the power going out. I genuinely don't mind stuff like having to go to the bathroom in buckets or cook over a fire or do other #less conveninet things. Its just that if eveyrhtng is electric then you have no way to cook and all of that. well.. and I literally need #background noise to go to sleep lest my ocd sprials become so loud I am slowly driven into maddness.. but a few battery packs or something #and a phone with one downloaded video I could play on repeat is fine for that. I dont need internet. ANYWAY.. so so sad that my fav #orite season ever (winter) is here. and the first cold of the winter is like... just an ice storm that you cant even walk in. I #love like 4 feet of snow where you can play in it and stuff. But just a thin flat sheet of a few inches of ice over every imaginable surfac #is not really playable. the wind speeds are so high and so many trees fall it's actually not that safe to go hang out outside anyway unless #you were in a totally clear open field. which is SAD also because i love ice and high winds. i love to stand out there and get whipped in t #he face with ice crystals and feel like I'm in some dramatic movie or something. but alas.. the threat of being attacked by a falling tree. #I did go out some but again it's like. literallyyou cant walk on it. so I just squatted and dragged myself along the ground lol #One of my stories has a whole section where the main characters are trapped in a deadly cold environment for a week and have to use magic #to survive and etc. etc. so I'm always like.. ouuu.. I should go in the ice.. it's Writing Research actually.. *foolishly gets frostbite* #THOUGH yesterday I went on a harrowing evil journey down a bunch of icy hilly roads to go check on some person's cat because the cat #had been left in the house for like 5 days at that point with nobody to check on them and nobody else seemed to want to do anything #about it (like call all of the neighbors or try to get someone out there) so I just went myself with a roommate who agreed to drive me. #It seemed acting totally normal and I gave it more food and water but.. I am still worried about it.. Apparently the person will be able #to get back to their house tomorrow but.. I dont trust them. But I couldnt take the cat with me because it's like.. a stranger's cat #basically and also no carrier + very skittish.. so I feared if I just tried to carry them bare handed they'd definitely leap from my grasp #and then it'd be like.. sliding on a sheet of ice chasing a cat and so on.. I still think they need to be watched for health issues tho >:| #ANYWAY.... many cat adventures lately... and strange weather... I wish for a normal week without always so many Things Happening.. augh

[nguyenfinity]

Every time I draw Mamagi it does AoE damage (I am also in the area of effect)

Lighthearted bonus:

#enstars #hiiro amagi #rinne amagi #i don't know if this is a bad time to be amagi-posting given that hiiro's fs2 just dropped but. oh well #also this might be the last thing i draw for a bit because i am in the final stretch of this semester #if you sent in a request. i will get to it and thank you for your patience #anyways i know i'm kinda being like 'haha rinne mama's boy' which like. yeah but also sometimes-- #--sometimes you're an adult in their 20s and like. yeah sure you're technically an adult or whatever but you still feel like a kid yeah? #and sometimes you just maybe want your mom to help you when you're lost or confused or when you need someone to tell you it'll be okay #but you won't get that for whatever reason #sincerely: an adult in their 20s #....can you tell why rinne is like. a vibe to me now #anyways i'm not saying mamagi dying was a necessary evil but if hiiro and rinne had an adult who actually loved them at home they probably- #-wouldn't have left and we wouldn't have the main story #if she was alive today tho she'd be going to their lives sorry i don't make the rules (yes i do) #if she ends up being exactly like the rest of their village in some future lore i'm gonna be so sad. #she'd throw hands with niki's parents #imagine leaving your sons behind because you straight up died (couldn't really do anything about that) #meanwhile your son's boyfriend's parents just. up and left him because they could #also posts with her will be tagged mamagi #if you read all that <3 #mamagi #she'd adopt all the bees and alkaloid too #imagine if they got their singing skills from her #also mamagi 1 rinniki shipper (also does not care it's not legal) #rinniki

[volivolition]

suggestion do you have... any wants? like obviously you do but like? suggestion my guy my ourple boy. both the easiest and hardest to write. you need a skill to say something to move conversation along but it doesn't fit any skill in particular? about 80% of the time you can have suggestion say it and it will make sense. but like actually characterizing him... how do i define you dude... what makes your character tick... urgh. i dont get you yet. im trying to understand but you are difficult.

#chemi chats #there are some skills that i just dont understand yet and that just means i have to work on their character study chapter #im reading his bio and i think suggestion is a good manipulator and it's instinctive and he tries not to feel bad about it? #he's clever!! charming!! friends with savvy and drama. planting seeds in the mind and coaxing them to grow towards him like he's the sun. #a crude oil reservoir lying beneath a carefully laid flower bed. taps into the roots. the plants don't know any better than to drink. #he's great at sensing what makes people tick and uses that to his advantage. he needs goals to look forward to so he knows how to best #pull the strings to get them there. otherwise he's a bit aimless. he likes being useful. and since influencing others is helpful #he just keeps doing it? because it's what he's good at. and he tries to convince himself its fun and cool and just cuz hes charming and #it's his role as a skill and manipulation isnt thaaaat bad because it's helpful to them after all... but he does feel bad sometimes. #oh im listening to his voice lines and i just got to ''brother you should have put me in front of a firing squad'' and im sad about him now #but what do you want for short term little guy?? probably for people to like him. he likes chatting with people. i bet he'd like genuine #conversations with no strings attached but there's always some part of him filing information and tidbits away that he can't turn off #subconsciously figuring out things he can hold over them or how he can nudge them into thinking someth-/wait.../ no. no he's just talking. #he's /supposed/ to just be talking stop analyzing them stop falling back into that just have a normal conversation!! but he can't help it.. #hm. this is all really helpful for his chapter. he and empathy are very alike but also different. very interesting... #task: swept up #okay good talk everyone i think i understand him a little better now lmao?? still gotta figure him out some more hes not fully there but ye #also i think he goes by whatever pronoun you think he'd use. just ''oh what do /you/ think i am hm?? what /would/ i use; do you think?? :)' #funny fella. i love you.

[dirt-str1der]

I still get scared when i remember kiryu is canonically quite lean and not a fatty at all

#Yakuza loveblog #i really think hes a little tubby and a little shorter #stop making japanese characters taller than 180 .... #you can pick one guy in your series to make that height but not more than tao #two #like there should be a ratio of guys over that height to guys who are normal (160-175 range) #and i say this a lot but i like the idea of kiryu simply being a guy who can dominate the room by presence alone #like he shouldnt be a huge guy he should be above average but being six feet is literally (thinks of a social justice buzzword) whitewashing #fucking haruka is taller than me thats not why im mad i just think that nobody looks at the average height of a country before making their #characters. wait im going to boot up y5 again and see harukas height in comparison to the rest of the people because kiryus always like a #head taller than everyone and while its funny to see him towering over date i think its wrong for him to do that #if anyone tries to argue with me im going to your house and killing myself #sorry i dont feel that strongly about this actually wait i am trying to downplay it im freaking out right now #okay between then and now im okay now but it still makes me so sad

[synthshenanigans]

Man its hard to have a second favorite when they're all insanely good augh

#okay buy actual might be my second favorite tho #got me having that feeling back from dear machine kinda #well not exactly its kinda mixed but ough #sm with this one ugh #small thing tho. there was probably a grew on me reference in the end #or like a nod back to it. which makes grew on me have more of a hit & confirms the idea i thought it was about #with it being towards an audience #idk idk am spitballin really #also hey eccentric mention. that's a word i use. im canon Jash lore/j #bro no im sad now. but like in a good way. cos that means the song hits & is rlly good #also if it helps i do not have bro as an idol. i don't have em for reasons like that that. ALSO IM JUST WEIRD LOL #nah cos once i had to write an essay on the prompt “write about a person you idolize or look up to” #LIKE MY GUY I DONT HAVE ANYONE TF DO I WRITE ABOUT???? #my only idol is hatsune miku thank you very much #okay okay im done now #i just ougj #song hits #chonny jash #moss post

[fuwushiguro]

having a breakdown so im thinking im gonna delete all of my socials forever, i absolutely hate myself and found out someone i trusted to be kind and honest to me hasnt been kind or honest at all. ive been betrayed massively and i hate everything i am and everything ive created. im so ashamed of myself and i am genuinely sorry to you all, to any of you who have ever read my fics im so sorry that ive put you through reading literal garbage. ive tried so hard my entire time here to make quality content and things i can be proud of and things i can share with you guys but thanks to my "friend" it has really hit me like a ton of bricks how worthless i am and how horrible my content truly is. im just so sorry i couldnt be better, im so sorry im me and not somebody more talented. i love you all very much and despite my poor writing quality im so genuinely happy to have made some amazing friends and created some great memories. im really sorry for everything.

#im okay #i mean im not i havent stopped crying #but i will be okay #sorry if none of this makes sense btw #eyes are blurry asf lmao #im so hurt and sad and i just really hate myself right now #i genuinely cant express enough how sorry i am #i feel so worthless

[gh-0-stcup]

One of the worst things about season 7 is Buffy saying she'd kill Dawn if she had to make that choice now.

#yeah okay killing dawn to save the world is technically the moral decision #but buffy saying fuck the consequences i'm protecting my sister was such a beautiful character moment #and it makes me incredibly sad to see her flip on this #one of the reasons why i feel s5 made for a better ending #the last two seasons sapped buffy of so much of what made her buffy #that's not to say it's bad writing - i understand and am okay with most of the choices for buffy's character #it's just really depressing to watch #the second worst thing is the i love angel more than anything else in the world and i killed him speech #because dawn #btvs #btvs s7

[ohitslen]

Hm. Uncanny valley Vash. Thoughts.

#have I been drawing for the uni au? yea. did I loose the files in an unfortunate incident I won’t elaborate on? also yea #it made me really sad because it was a funny bit. and I could recreate it but mm I don’t feel like it rn #so it’ll take some time. however ☝️ #I do feel like drawing. and I have! but for myself like I always do. sharing some stuff here is a courtesy 🤨 #OQNENWK JK well. half kidding. I entirely draw for myself and I’m happy it reaches ppl who like it too! and now #I’m hoping to reach cryptic Vash enjoyers because my god YES. #it’s the best thing ever because honestly. same I also am an uncanny creature (idk what is socially okay sometimes without being too weird #about it. I know you get it. you’re in tumblr) #and actually wouldn’t it be funny if at some point the people who know Vash just brush it off eventually as #“oh is Vash just staring into the void and suddenly went walking away?? haha oh yeah typical Vash’’ #like it’s the most normal thing ever. but it still puts people a little off #I love me some weird Vash :) #trigun #vash the stampede #trigun stampede #vash #lenssi rambles

[meme-loving-stuck]

i remember being brought up christian like, almost concerned that i never felt a connection to any of the shit they were talkin about,

and when i was younger i was like "oh no! am i bad for not feeling connected to god?? is it bad i feel like my dead mom doesnt talk to me or watch over me?? am i horrible for pretending?????"

but turns out i just had Autism Powers that made me immune to it and i was able to completely sever myself from the idea of being Christian at the ripe old age of like 13. and it was such a HUGE comfort to see that there were all these other beliefs and spiritual sort of things that other people chose to believe in and didnt necessarily treat their beliefs as COLD HARD UNDENIABLE FACT the way christians treat the existence of god & heaven & hell

like now that i am older i know i was in fact traumatized by the culturally catholic beliefs my family held & forced on us all, but i am really immensely grateful that my child self looked at all the other aspects of christianity that would horrify most other children into behaving/conforming, and basically just went, "okay, source?"

and that was the end of that

#BLOGGING LOUDLY #okay source sounds so cringe ik but like #i really couldnt buy into any of it after a certain point #even though i almost found comfort in it! the idea of prayer was very much that for me the way it is for many ppl #i just literally could not believe something that didnt have proof i could see or touch #and when i was a bit older i did get hit with the 'well you cant SEE gravity but you believe in that' #but again immediately i was like... you can still prove gravity though. i learned it in seventh grade. LMAO #i dont know part of me is relieved i didnt feel the painful separation or conflict that so many others feel #but i am still kind of sad i couldnt just. be that way. and find a home somewhere #and that nothing else has really stood out to me except like non theistic satanism which also sounds. edgy teen boy #like it is a legitimate belief system and i feel closely aligned to it! but im still just kinda meh about using the label ... hrmm #perhaps need to look into the various kinds of satanism again #i tend to stay away from pagan stuff but its also something i found interesting #my partner seems very interested in becoming a jew despite not really... ever having been exposed to judaism or jewish cultures #but id like to learn more about it too i have many resources just kinda sitting.... #idk i guess i started thinking about this bc actually studying other religions etc could be very fulfilling but i just....eh....

[katierosefun]

one day i won’t start crying the second i leave my college friends to board a train! today is not that day!

#caroline talks #i’m so dramatic lmao we all live in the same state/practically the same state #but it’s been a brutal month so far and a really brutal and sad last few weeks #and my friends walked me down to the train station i used to go on every time i returned from home #and i realized very suddenly that this was the first time i was going to this station with my friends #and for some reason that made me tear up #i don’t know. i got hugs from all my friends and they yelled ‘WE LOVE YOU’ as i walked off #and i think that’s what did it! #whatever! I feel so lucky to have friends where i can just sit and listen to them #and everyone is kind to one another #and makes sure no one is interrupted #and also makes sure that no one is hogging the conversation at a time #and it’s just. not me dumping all this when i should be journaling #but. #i remember someone once tried to learn why i was sad and they later used that to hurt me some more #but my friends know i am sad sometimes and instead they look at that sadness #and go ‘let’s eat food. let’s walk around. let’s jump into the water.’ #and i don’t know. #i love my friends a lot. whenever i’m around them i feel like life will be okay. #and you know! #if i had to go through all my broken and sad friendships in order to meet the friends i have now. #then i’d gladly go through all of it again! just to now have friends #who walk me to the train station and hug me goodbye

[milogoestogreendale]

oh, you’re autistic? what scene from an animated tv show most accurately captures the feeling of your meltdowns and why is it one or both of these two

#im rewatching dead end #norma is such a real portrayal of autism #she is LITERALLY me #also i love it when shows delve into the negative side of autism #because it can be really disabling #huey is similar to abed in some ways #but he’s more angry #he blames himself for meltdowns and holds a lot of resentment toward himself #it makes me really sad bc i feel like that’s maybe closer to the way i actually am #huey is just. god his autistic meltdowns are relateable #this scene really captures the feeling that you’re out of control #and that you never want anyone to see that side of you #okay that’s enough analyzing ducktales im going to bed #de:pp #dead end paranormal park #norma dead end paranormal park #ducktales #huey duck

[alltheshadesofamber]

CHRONIC RECURRING LAZARUS PIT MADNESS ISN’T REAL, CHRONIC RECURRING LAZARUS PIT MADNESS ISN’T REAL, CHRONIC RECURRING LAZARUS PIT MADNESS ISN’T REAL, AND IT WASN’T A PIT SIDE EFFECT THAT JASON TODD WAS SHOWN TO GET WHEN HE WAS HEALED ANYWAY! JASON TODD DID BAD THINGS AND HE CHOSE TO DO THEM! HE’S NOT A SAD LONELY LITTLE IMPRESSIONABLE BABY WHO CAN’T MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS OR EXCERCISE ANY SELF-CONTROL! STOP TAKING AWAY HIS AGENCY! STOP MAKING HIM A BORING GUILT-RIDDEN WOOBIE! JASON TODD STANDS BY EVERYTHING HE’S DONE AND HE DID IT ALL BECAUSE HE WANTED TO! SHUT UP ABOUT LAZARUS PIT MADNESS ON MY POSTS!

#dc #jason todd #batman #batfamily #batfam #dc comics #red hood #i am going to snap this is me snapping #delete later maybe idk #if you comment on this arguing w me i will delete your comments bc i am not in the mood #i don’t want a fight i know it seems like i do but i don’t #this is just me screaming my frustration into the void #just ignore me #i hate fanon sooooo much #people see an interesting complex character and go ‘hmm i’m going to get rid of everything that makes this guy interesting. #bc what the batfam really needs is black-haired blue-eyed guilt-ridden sad boy number 46’ #okay NOW i’m done i’ve expelled the toxin from my veins i can move on with my life now #i’m not necessarily mad at the people who have commented these things really i swear my frustration is directed at the nebulous collective #i hold no bad feelings towards any individuals. if you think this is directed at you i promise it’s not

[jimmymcchill]

jimmy not even being capable of conceiving that kim might be bad for him vs jimmy immediately thinking she's leaving because only he's bad for her and ruined her life, therefore he goes on to ruin his as well

#the most fucked up thing about it if you ask me #also i always feel sad when great and beautiful love stories don't last long but that's only kinda my thing #it just makes me sad #and i am not sure they will or should or could get back together in the future #i honestly don't think they will but whatever #and i don't want to hope because i hate believing in something and then being disappointed i am far too emotional to do that #but the real tragedy here is that they broke up and: #1) jimmy won't be okay alone and will kim? we don't know #2) they really didn't understand each other in the end #bcs #bcs s6 spoilers #better call saul #jimmy mcgill #kim wexler #bob odenkirk #rhea seehorn #mcwexler #saul goodman #meta